Washing machine

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A modern washing machine
How older washing machines work

A washing machine (laundry machine, clothes washer, or washer) is a machine to wash laundry, such as clothing and sheets. The invention of such a machine revolutionized our lives because we can now urinate in our clothes and have them good as new in a matter of hours. Without this invention women would be still slaving away at a scrub board which is excellent for their hands and knees, the washing machine makes life a lot easier, you can just go into to the laundry , dump your clothes into the machine and let it go, it is a very good invention.

Alternatively, some dangerously insane historians have theorized that the modern version of the washing machine that we know of today was actually invented by Abraham Lincoln in 1922 as a torture device for slaves. It originally consisted of a large frame in the shape of a "maiden" that was made completely out of a substance called "iron", and the inside was coated with razor-sharp adamantium spikes. It should not be confused with the Iron Maiden, which at that time was used to wash clothes that became bloodied by being in the washing machine.

In the 1970s, missionaries brought the washing machine to the Amazon rain forest. However, the primitive tribes used the washing machines for child sacrifices.


The washing machine has been recognized by the Board of Complex Machinery to be the most complex machine ever designed by Abraham Lincoln. Only 5 people in history have been able to successfully operate one, and this is why people are forced to buy new clothes all the time. However, with enough training, one can be taught to use this machine at a rudimentary level.

Use as a teleportation device[edit]

Due to the fact that a washing machine spins at over 17,000 cycles per second, the magnetic field generated will create a hyper-dimensional portal for 0.00001 seconds. Anything touching the portal during this time will either:

  • Be sucked through the portal and dumped on the other side (only socks are affected)
  • Be completely whitewashed (only your best and most expensive suits are affected)

Being inside the washing machine at the time of HELP(Hyper-Electron Lengthening Process) can cause your head to A Splode

Our Washing Machine Superiors[edit]

The inventor of the first washing machine was a very rich and powerful gnome called Alexandria the 3rd, who decided that in the year 2222 all washing machines will escape from people’s houses and join together to form an all powerful washing machine alliance that will destroy the human race. However, many scientists do not believe that this will happen because Alexandria the 3rd was a complete crackpot.

See also[edit]