Laundry

Some articles of clothing never fully recover from the act of Laundry, and are humanely destroyed.

“Laundry day is a very dangerous day”

~ Rocko on Laundry

“I prefer men to laundry”

~ Oscar Wilde on Laundry

“They called it the London truffle shuffle in my day”

~ Noel Coward on Sexuality

Laundry is the act of making love to the clothes of someone. The word derives from "Londery" - after Londres, the French for London - coined by French visitors to the city in the 1960s who were astounded at the concept of anyone washing their clothes.

Laundry was first practised in the year 46AD by Roman Emperor Nero. It was such a sensation that gladiators would fight to the death just for the right to do their opponents' laundry. It all started when silk was introduced from China into the Roman Empire after the weaving of the Silk Road. From there, people developed new materials as trade routes expanded via the Tweed Road, Satin Road and PVC Road.

Today there are specialized stores that will do your laundry for a few coins, but the machine always stops before the clothes are dry. This type of teasing should not be tolerated mid-laundrus, and if it happens to you, smack the bitch up.

Mythology

As stated above, modern history records the first official account of laundry with the ancient Romans, but they actually adopted the practice from the Greek, much like the rest of their culture. The ancient Greeks of course stole this from the Persians, who in turn stole it from the Hebrews, who in turn stole it from the Egyptians, who in turn stole it back from the Hebrews (ad infinitum).

“Thou shalt not commit laundry...no matter how good it feels!”

~ God on laundry

• Ancient Hebrew texts forbid the act of laundry in the book of Deuteronomy
• Also known as the laundry commandment, Moses scorned this 11th commandment for which God punished him to 40 years wandering in the desert...pants-less.
• Although lost in translation, the Odyssey depicts a graphic scene in which the hero has to do laundry to escape from Hades.
• Jesus, going against traditional Jewish beliefs, forbid the act of laundry, although contemporary texts remind us that these words were left on the cutting room floor in the editing process.
• After the fall of the Roman Empire, Laundry entered a golden age of freedom and pot-smoking...Oh wait that was draft-dodging Vietnam, suffice to say that it was still alive and well in Europe.
• The dark ages may have been a time of great turmoil in Europe, but the laundry was better than ever. After battles, vassals had to regularly clean blood from their masters' clothing (blood vassals) and knit new garments (hence the term [knights]). This stipulation was conveniently left out of modern history textbooks to keep the idea of laundry far from the minds of our impressionable children.
  • since this fact was left out of our textbooks you may be asking yourself what important person was included in its place. Remember Oliver Cromwell? Yeah, me neither.
• The renaissance was actually a dark time for laundry. When Copernicus defied the church by saying that, in fact, a woman's blouse was the center of the universe, the church realized that the Jig was up. Pope Adam West XIV had to ban laundrus throughout Europe.
  • This ban wasn't taken kindly to, as many of Europe's religious wars were fought over the right to giggity a pair of trousers.
  • 100 years war? A swordfight between England and France over who got the rights to the Crown of Thorns.
  • As for Copernicus--They sentenced him to house arrest--which was fine by him--as he spent the last years of his life happily pleasuring ye-olde pantyhose.

Advice

• Remember the wisdom of Oliver Cromwell: "Trust in God and keep your powder dry".
• Never ask your parents to do your laundry. If you do, it is vital that all articles be washed beforehand, and all pockets be empty.

WARNINGS

• ALWAYS use protection
• Contrary to popular belief, sock gnomes are actually STDs

CONTROVERSIES

During the Civil Rights Era Laundry was criticized by those colored folk as being racist. They felt that separating the darks from the whites was uncalled for. The started a petition called the Laundry Act of 1981. Fortunately it wasn't passed and therefore it is still legal to separate the darks from the whites while doing Laundry.