Land of the Jews (film)
“The Jews shall inherit the Earth”
Land of the Jews is a film released in 2005 by acclaimed director George A. Romero, marking a great change in a career that had previously seen him famed for his series of zombie films such as Night of the Living Dead, Dawn of the Dead, Diary of the Dead and An Assortment of Other Things of the Dead.
Plot[edit | edit source]
The story is set in a near-future post-apocalyptic world where some sort of disaster - possibly orchestrated by the Worldwide Zionist Conspiracy - has befallen humankind, who survive holed up in a Jew-proof section of Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania, known as Goysville. The threat to humanity is so great that these last remaining living people have taken the step of voting Dennis Hopper in as their king, believing that - with his survival record - he is the only man who can offer them a chance of redemption from the terror that surrounds them. The Jews - hideous, blood-thirsty, huge-nosed decaying cadavres - now occupy all areas outside Goysville, though the humans believe there may be a few other outposts scattered about where humanity still survives. However, they have not been able to maintain contact with them; some cynics believe that the Jews - who spread the awful disease known as Judaism by biting their victims, thus turning them into more Jews - have over-run them and that Goysville is the last bastion of Homo sapiens.
Defensive Measures[edit | edit source]
Goysville is protected on three sides by a deep river and on the landward side by a fence to keep the Jews out. Every day, a hand-picked and highly-trained team of brave humans must venture beyond the fence to hang up strings of bacon and sausages in an effort to repel the Jewish hordes that attack their compound each night. They also employ a form of minefield - however, rather than utilising explosive devices, this takes the form of large numbers of pennies scattered on the ground. When the Jews see the pennies, they are compelled to pick them all up - thus giving time for the humans to switch on their spotlights and start shooting. An additional defensive measure is the large statue of a stereotypical Jewish mama standing just outside the gates, fitted with speakers which constantly broadcast a range of guilt-inducing accusations, something guaranteed to strike fear into the cold, dead heart of any Jew.
Offensive Measures and Salvage Operations[edit | edit source]
Since Goysville is a built-up area, it has no farmland and so the humans within cannot be self-sufficient with regard to food and other comestibles such as medicine. This has led Hopper to finance the construction of a heavily armed truck known as Kike Reckoning, which is impervious to Jew attacks due to being clad in armour made of simple steel and iron - neither metal has any real scrap value and so the Jews are virtually unable to register its existence even when it pulls up in front of them and starts shooting. In addition to its many guns, Kike Reckoning is also fitted with large numbers of fireworks which, when sent into the sky, form patterns that look very much like money-off coupons for a kosher delicatessen. The Jews are fascinated by these firewrorks and stand gawping at the heavens whenever the humans deploy them, the effect being so great that they are almost hypnotised which allows the humans to play various pranks on them, completely un-noticed, such as pulling down their pants and placing hot-dogs in their mouths.
Accompanied by an assortment of other armed vehicles, Kike Reckoning makes nightly forays into the Jew-infested areas where, as well as culling Jews, it is loaded with supplies such as bagels and Seinfeld DVDs required by - but not locally available to - the human residents of Goysville. However, these salvage forays are not without risk - the Jews are highly dangerous creatures with a mindless determination to get at the humans. It is not uncommon for one of more of the humans to be killed by them while taking part in a salvage expedition.
The Theft of Kike Reckoning[edit | edit source]
Riloy Vey is the designer of Kike Reckoning and the brave leader of its crew. He is seen by the residents of Goysville as a working class hero and enjoys enormous popularity amongst them, aided by his fine Caucasian good looks. His second-in-command, Cholo Unmoral, is a greasy little spic who has bottled up his frustration at Vey's constant luck with the ladies for years. Though a good team member who has been very productive on the salvage missions and is responsible for the rightful slaying of many of the evil Jews, he has become highly jealous and embittered. Unmoral has been bringing in high-demand salvage from their missions, such as bourbon and other liquor, which fetch high prices on Goysville's black market. He attempts to buy an apartment in Goysville's desirable Fapper's Green plaza, but is prevented by Hopper because he never wears a suit and tie and so will have an undesirable effect on the area.
Vey has decided to retire and wishes to travel north to Canada, where Jews are rare. To celebrate, he goes out drinking with his best buddy Charlie Thick, a retard who despite his obvious mental incapacity is a crack shot specialising in sniping - he has saved the lives of Kike Reckoning's team members on many occasions. In a town full of dive bars, they find the lowest of them all - a club where every night patrons can watch chained-up Jews in a cage as they fight it out over a bit of scrap copper and a bowl of chicken soup. However, the night that Vey and Thick visit sees the management laying on a bit of extra-special entertainment - a scantily-clad prostitute named Slut has had small-denomination coins glued over her body, (also of note- her tits and ass are incredible) with a couple of real silver dollars stuck to her breasts, which tantalisingly threaten to pop out of her tight PVC bodice at any moment. The Jews are going to tear her apart, and she's really far too pretty for that.
Shocked by this inhumane amusement, Vey and Thick begin shooting and rescue her - however, as the club is owned by King Hopper, this leads to their arrest and incarceration in jail. It is during this time that Unmoral steals Kike Reckoning, persuading several members of the team to join him. They drive it to a secret location, park up and train the missiles on Fapper's Green, demanding a huge ransom from Hopper - if he fails to pay, they'll blow up the whole city.
The Jews Attack[edit | edit source]
Big Schmaddy is a Jewish gefilte fish saleman who is far more intelligent than the other Jews - unlike them, he actually managed to get into university by his own merit, rather than due to his daddy having the right connections. He has realised that money-off coupons for a kosher delicatessen are an impossibility, something that has never existed and never will, so the fireworks no longer have any effect on him. He manages to get the other Jews to come round to his way of thinking by pointing out the simple logic to them, and becomes their Rabbi. He immediately decides to change the pronunciation of his name so that Schmaddy rhymes with Rabbi rather than daddy. Rabbi Schmaddy is also extremely angry at the humans for their attacks on his people during the salvage missions and creates a vigilante gang to march upon Goysville.
The Jews have been waiting for a new Moses to appear who will be able to part the waters that surround the city, allowing them to walk straight across the riverbed and carry out their attack. Rabbi Schmaddy has made an amazing discovery - while out stealing supplies from non-Jewish owned rivers and ponds to make his gefilte fish with, he has realised that, incredibly, Jews don't need oxygen to survive like humans do. The Jews can walk right in, avoiding the pork-fence that had thwarted them for so long! Without Kike Reckoning, the humans must rely only on the weapons they have left - unwisely, all of the heavy guns and missiles have been fitted to the truck and they must fight off the Jews armed only with rifles and machine guns. Judaism has spread like a plague, and the city is besieged by millions of them. Things do not look good for humanity.
Vey Recovers Kike Reckoning[edit | edit source]
Absolutely furious at the theft of his (very expensive) truck, King Hopper begs Vey to go out into the Jew-infested wastelands and bring it back. A deal is struck - Vey will be supplied with money and weapons, allowing him to realise his dream of a new life in Canada, upon safe return of the vehicle. He takes with him a hastily-trained Slut, because the plot is wearing a bit thin by this point and attractive women are needed to keep cinema-goers interested, and three professional anti-Jew soldiers. Vey realises immediately that they are there to ensure Kike Reckoning is returned to Hopper even if he has ideas of using it himself to get to Canada. One of the soldiers is bitten almost immediately. Fortunately, she is an expendable woman of the type often found in horror films, so the team quickly shoot her to prevent her from becoming yet another Jew.
Another is bitten soon after - he's annoying and foppish, so he gets shot too. The last, a giant Samoan named Lardbury, changes sides and begins to help Vey and Slut. They soon recapture the vehicle and persuade the humans Unmoral took with him to see the error of their ways. Unmoral is then attacked and bitten by the Jews - however, rather than being shot, he decides to see 'how the other half live,' reasoning that even being a Jew is better than being a spic. They begin the journey back to Goysville.
The Death of Hopper[edit | edit source]
Events have taken an unexpected turn back at the city. While the other Jews run riot in Fapper's Green biting any human they can catch, Rabbi Schmaddy has an agenda of his own. His intelligence is so great that he is able to understand that the majority of the humans are just mindless fools, driven by greed and hunger much like the Jews themselves. He bears them no ill-will, and is focused on one thing only - bringing an end to King Hopper, the man who is really responsible for Kike Reckoning's attacks on the Jewish people.
Hopper, realising that the end is nigh, attempts to flee Goysville with a large stash of money packed into two Burberry holdalls. Being posh, he can't drive and must sit in the car parked in the garage under Fapper's Green while he waits for his chauffeur (it's amazing how may simple tasks are just beyond the capabilities of rich, posh people). However, all of a sudden Rabbi Schmaddy lumbers into the garage. He attempts to smash his way into the car but is unable to do so - instead, he uses a gasoline pump to smash a hole through the windscreen and pours in the highly-flammable liquid. He then wanders away, back out of the garage. Suddenly, Unmoral reappears - he still has a score to settle with Hopper even though he's now Jewish and probably has a nice big house in the Catskills Mountains so doesn't even want an apartment in Fapper's Green anymore. Hopper, realising that staying in the gasoline-soaked car would be suicide, decides to take his chances and attempts to escape but Unmoral grabs him - just as Schmaddy throws a petrol bomb down the garage exit ramp, blowing them both up.
Kike Reckoning's Return and The Jews' Exodus[edit | edit source]
Vey and the team reach the city and immediately fall into a deep despair as Goysville appears to have been utterly destroyed by the Jews, who have begun leaving the city via one of the now-unguarded bridges. However, as they head off, Goysville's poor working classes emerge from the rubble and shacks that they call home - under King Hopper's reign, they have become so poverty-stricken that they don't even own anything the Jews consider worth taking from them. The rich ruling classes have been completely annihilated; an egalitarian Utopian society is ready to flower. Kike Reckoning's guns are aimed at the Jews and ready to kill them all, but Vey orders the team not to shoot. "They're just looking for some place to go," he says. The film has come to and end - the humans can now reclaim America and begin to build a peaceful new world where all people are equal, and the Jews are now someone else's problem.
Random Quote From The Film[edit | edit source]
Unmoral: (a sound is heard much like a penny falling on the floor) What the hell's that?
Vey: Oh shit...!
(Chaos ensues as Jewish mob fights for the penny)
See Also[edit | edit source]
- You Don't Mess with the Zohar
- Kosher Nostra
- Night of the Living Dead
- Horror film
- Urban Dead
- Wild Jews
|The Living Dead series|
|Romero's Dead films||Night of the Living Dead (1968) • Dawn of the Dead (1978) • Land of the Jews (2005)|
|Dead series remakes||Dawn of the Dead (2004)|