Jesus

Jesus
Bible character
First appearance	The Gospels
Last appearance	Book of Revelations
Created by	Mel Gibson
Based on	Mithra
Portrayed by	Jim Caviezel
In-universe information
Full name	Jesús Hernández Christ
Nickname	Lôrd
Species	Demigod
Gender	Male
Title	Messiah
Occupation	Carpenter
Weapon	Sword
Family	God (father) Mary (mother) Joseph (stepfather)
Spouse	Mary Magdalene
Significant other	12 Apostles
Children	N/A
Religion	Judaism
Nationality	Roman
Born	25 December 1 BC Stables, Bethlehem
Died	3 April 33 AD Golgotha, Jerusalem
Resurrected	5 April 33 AD
Would Stephen Hawking seizurise them?	Not before being struck down by lightning

“Yea, verily, anyone who looks upon a woman and desires her has already committed adultery with her in the depths of his heart. [...] Anyone who looks at another person with hatred has already killed that person in the depths of their heart. [...] Anyone who looks at an object with desire has already stolen it in the depths of their heart. [...] Any President who looks at a country on Google Earth has already invaded it in the depths of their heart. [...] Anyone who looks with contempt at an article within Uncyclopedia has already deleted it in the depths of their heart.”

– Jesus, preaching

“Lord, is there anything we’re permitted to look at?”

– The apostles, asking Jesus

Jesus Christ, "Messiah", "Son of God" – also known as Jebus or just Jesus – is the main character in the 27‑part fictional comedic tragedy series, The New Testament; itself part of the Bible franchise. The story, set in the early part of the first century CE, begins with a boy growing up in Israel. While studying religious texts, he starts to believe that his father (not his stepfather) is actually the Almighty God mentioned in the scrolls.

At thirty years of age Jesus sets out on His quest to coerce desperate people into believing His fantasies, preaching that He is the Savior of World, and without Him everyone and everything would cease to exist. Finally at the age of 33 He is crucified by the Roman Empire for "gross endangerment of the public at large". His body is buried in a tomb, and three days after His death, His body is stolen by grave robbers, but avid fans, followers, and imitators of "The New Testament" and this character, aptly called "Christians", insist that an angel from Jesus's books came to life, took Him back to Heaven, and that He is now the Supreme Power of the Universe.

Fictional character biography

Jesus was born on December 25, 5 BCE, in a pig trough which somehow made a star shine brightly. Then three wise guys brought the infant gold, frankincense, and myrrh which means absolutely nothing to a newborn. But at least they weren't as stingy as that cute little bastard who brought nothing. Same goes for the angel, and imagine what an angel could give you, but still, nothing. Christ, what does a god have to do to get a clean diaper around here? Christ was just like any other regular kid growing up, He enjoyed spending long hours in the temple talking to Himself while kids chucked grapes at His head and His own parents wished He would just get hit by an ox cart. Even at a young age, He would speak in metaphors. Much like the Founding Fathers of America, Jesus refused to explain what the right to bear arms meant, and also repeatedly questioned what a submachine gun was in a feeble attempt to dodge the question.

Like most destructive liberals, Jesus decided to disobey The Man, and broke every societal standard set during the time period. He aligned Himself with twelve gangsters and lowlifes, curiously named later "The Apostles". Members of this group included a conniving tax collector, some lazy fishers, and a man who He knew would ultimately betray Him to His death. Jesus also refused to stone people for petty crimes, blasphemously called Himself bigger than Solomon, trashed markets with an improvised whip, wore open-toed sandals, and talked to women. Obviously, being such a rebel gained Him quite the reputation. Nevertheless, it is believed that the main reason He opposed stoning was that He wanted to collect those rocks to suit His greater goal. With these twelve followers Jesus began to monopolize the construction industry and His "career" as an architect of triangular modernity took off.

Jesus began to care about some of His disciples more than the others, such as John. He told John to write a book, get a deal with Walden, publish it, and then make it into a movie. He also told John to not use the names of some of the loser disciples because they suck, so Jesus changed the twelve disciples (later known as apostles) to John, Peter, Doubting Thomas, eight other guys, and Judas, aptly titled "Lord of the Sucky Friends".

Death and resurrection

Jesus forgot he had planned to meet his homies that day.

Jesus said one day in what is known as "The Last Supper" that Judas was going to betray Him and everybody was confused. Judas explained that with Jesus out of the picture he could hire the Russian Mafia to brutally rape the rest of them and then have complete control over Jesus's merchandise. Judas then left cackling and saying how he would never regret this. Jesus then told John to snap a picture of this because it was a Kodak moment, He also told him to address a letter to Dan Brown and tell him not to go overboard on the sequels because they're only going to get worse. Finally, Jesus gave His final address. He told John and Peter to beware the three Antichrists: Rosie O'Donnell, Dick Cheney, and Ronald Reagan. He told the other nine disciples to screw off and get lost because they were all going to die in a gang war.

A pun, perfectly presented. Alliterally.

The Roman goblins got a little cocky and decided that instead of doing the honorable thing to a level‑80 mage (stoning him), they would instead murder Him on a cross, which would subsequently become His biggest marketing ploy yet. They nailed Him to it, killed Him, and then threw Him into a tomb. But just ask Gandalf, and he'll tell you that's not how you kill a mage. However, Jesus was resurrected by the Decepticons and somehow went up to Heaven being carried by white slaves which are mistaken for a cloud.

Jesus went on to star in His own hit play, The Life o' Jesus, about a group of friends who lived in a hotel. They become obsessed with the wonders of the coffee shop down the road. Jesus played Himself and had an on-and-off relationship with another one of the main characters, Rhiannon. The show was a commercial success, and film adaptations abound.

Second coming

He that is without sin, let him first cast a rock concert.

The New Testament makes a great time skip in the last chapter, the Book of Revelations, which takes in the final days of the known world. Jesus appears once again in this last act, althought his appearance seems to have changed radically. He starts killing everyone in the world except for a few lucky ones, who get to follow him to the sky and worship Him and His father eternally.

Personality and themes

Jesus is to his followers as a shepherd is to someone else's flock.

In the Bible plotline, Jesus becomes the Savior of the entire world. As expected, this story shares many elements with other works of fiction with a "savior" character, e.g. Frodo Baggins in The Lord of the Rings, Connor MacLeod in Highlander and Flash Gordon in the eponymous series. Each has to save the world from evil, although in the case of Jesus nobody wants or needs to be saved. In an additional juxtaposition to most other savior stories, Jesus does not use violence to accomplish His goals, but instead uses the threat of violence to force His will upon others. Finally, the character of Jesus – when observed by anyone other than a fan of the series – is very much an antagonist. While Satan (the antihero of the series) wants everyone to party and get laid, Jesus denounces these things and threatens all who partake to eternal suffering. For a reason still not understood by critics, New Testament fans are unable to internalize the inconsistencies of Jesus's character, nor His teachings within the story. They believe just as Jesus did that carnal and visceral pleasures are evil, but they can't tell you why without bringing Jesus into the discussion (see circular logic). This makes it nearly impossible to approach any self-proclaimed fan of New Testament with a counter argument, because if it doesn't fit in with Jesus's teachings, it can't be considered canon to the story and is therefore dismissed.

Sexuality

As the Son of God and Savior of us all, Jesus could have had all the women He wanted. He was extremely skilled in the art of seduction (four wrapped around His finger from the get‑go), yet there's no scriptural reference to His having actually done even one. There are two possibilities:

1. He told John to erase that part because it doesn't sound holy.
2. He was too busy laughing and mocking the pathetic and hypocritical atheists to care about sex.

In other media

Jesus makes an appearance in the Quran, often considered the third part of the Bible series. In this new part, His crucifixion is revealed to have been a ruse (a stuntman "suffered and died" on the cross); moreover, it retcons the title of "Son of God". This unexplained alteration to the continuation was widely critizised by fans of the New Testament, as it removed the original climax of Jesus's character arc as well as his main motive in his characterization.

Reception and legacy

Much like the My Little Pony franchise spawned the brony community and Twilight spawned the twi‑hard community; the New Testament became better known by its large community of fans. The New Testament fandom, better known as the Christians, have held Jesus as the ideal man, following the teachings that this character had preached in fiction even when they contradicted each other.

With the popularity of the New Testament book, Jesus has become a world-renowned staple of merchandise. The Catholic Church began marketing His W.W.J.D. (What Would Jesus Do?) bracelets to younger unsuspecting children; unfortunately, most of these customers were subsequently beaten when they told their fathers and mothers they spent three silver pieces on some bracelets.

Truth

Dogma. Literally.

Contrary to the enthusiastic preaching of 97% of Christian leaders, Jesus loves you. Fact is, he loves you so much that he voluntarily ditched Heaven to personally take the punishment for whatever alien hentai nonsense you were browsing last night. That crushing wave of shame you feel after blasting one to a picture of Barney the Dinosaur is entirely redundant – Jesus took the hit for it. You can literally give it to Jesus, repent and he'll take it away, and that's it, it's gone. Better yet, you get to avoid Hell. People have so overcomplicated things with self-help books, religious rules, and so much "build your own way to greatness" nonsense that trusting what Jesus did has basically gotten lost.

“'Roun dis tiyem, Agustis Seezr wuz like, "I can has sensus?" ('Coz while Quirinius was Teh Boz of Syria, is invisible sensus!) And all teh doodz went home for teh saying, "I iz heer!" So Joseph went from Naz'reth to Judeeah to Bethlehemm whar David wuz borned, 'coz David wuz hiz graete‑graete gran‑daddie, An Mary went wif him, 'coz she was gonna be married wif him an she had Jeebus n her tummy oven. When they wuz ther, it wuz time for teh kittn to be borned. it wuz a boy, so he wuz wrapd in blanket like burrito an placd him in fud dish (srsly!), cuz innkeeper wuz liek, no room here kbai!”

– Luke 2 (KJV Lolcat)

See also

• I'd like to talk to you about Jesus
• Jesus was Christian, NOT Jewish
• The Jesus Laws
• UnBooks:The Autobiography of Jesus of Nazareth
• Ecce Mono

Notes

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