Stairs

“So my escalator wasn't broken after all?”

~ Captain Oblivious

“I never actually fell down those stairs, that was actually a different guy. I never fell down anything, actually.”

~ Joe Biden, famous bike-faller

“Life is kinda like stairs, every step you take is another climb to the top (as overused is that is). What is the top, you say? I dunno, death?”

~ Anonymous

This is a picture of the outside. You might have not known what we were talking about in the article, so THANK ME for giving you this. And yes, saying outside was intentional, you basement gremlin.

Stairs are a structure designed by to bridge a large vertical distance between lower and higher levels by dividing it into smaller vertical distances. This is achieved as a diagonal series of horizontal platforms called steps which enable passage to the other level by stepping from one to another step in turn. No, steps were not derived by that creepy Police stalker song. Steps are very typically rectangular. Stairs may be straight, round, or may consist of two or more straight pieces connected at angles, but let's not get too absurdist, Frank Lloyd Wright.

Types of stairs have included the one you pushed your pregnant mom down at 5 years old in fear of a little sister, the stairs that killed about ten bloodlines at Marriott's, and the escalator in maintenance at the Paris airport, you know which one.

History

Stairs were originally invented back in ancient times, when influential caveman Urk had put one rock down, then put a taller rock behind him, then another taller rock behind it, then, you won't guess this, another, even TALLER rock behind it. A real genius, he was, that Urk, that guy, a real genius, that guy, he was, that Urk. Sadly, Urk did not have any Gorilla Glue back then and the stair quickly wobbled and fell like dominos before he could even walk another step.

Medieval times

Medieval times fared much better with stairs, believe it or not. When they weren't being used by a horrible torture device, medieval architects, whose names were all replaced in textbooks by incest-ridden dynasties, experimented more with stairs. The stair railings were invented around this time. Originally used as a dungeon item to be chained to (this was before radiators), unnamed medieval architect #3 had finally thought of adding them to the stairs to stop kings from suicide on spiral staircases. Speaking of spiral staircases, they were ALSO invented at this time, and were invented by unnamed medieval architect #12 to give victims of torture a "bumpy ride" before dying, presumably in a brazen bull or something. Famously, King Spencer at age 9 loved to go down the spiral staircase, which later had him be the first person diagnosed with vertigo. King Spencer also was the first person to help mediocre and small filmmakers rise, so that's a plus?

Renaissance

The renaissance was an even better time for stairs, with even more pristine, immaculate attention to detail, and in "attention to detail" we mean naked people, because we ALL love naked people. Stairs were adorned with naked people, so when you were walking, there were two things that were in relation to bricks you were looking down below yourself. Eh? Eh?

...

Stairway terms

For any of you uncultured common folks who can't find the difference between a tomato and a potato, here are multiple terms for stairs, in no discernible order.

The "don't tread on me" flag has famously been misinterpreted. This flag was actually made by American architects to make fun of British architects for making spiral staircases, seen in the coiling snakes and the "tread" stair term. Those DAMN BRITS!!

Stair: A stair, or stairstep, is one stair. Usually, there is no detectable difference between a stairstep and a balance board, multiple have tried but failed.

Staircase: A staircase, or stairway (no, we're not going to make that joke), are one or more flights of stairs leading from one floor to another, and includes landings, newel posts, handrails, balustrades.. ding-dongs, twinkies, pooftas and wussy cakes!™

Straight run: A straight run is a lead from one floor to another without a turn or change in direction. Not to be confused for a gay run, a lead from one floor to another without a turn or change in direction, from a stair that just so happens to be made by a architectural twink.

Upstairs and downstairs: Ascending a set of stairs to a higher floor is often referred to as going "upstairs", the opposite being "downstairs". "Sidestairs" is a phenomenon in which you are high on about six drugs and think you're in the fifth dimension, despite only being on one stairstep.

Tread: The part of the stairway that is stepped on. Not to be confused with that DAMN GADSDEN FLAG!!

Pictured here is the greatest pop culture moment that ever happened on stairs. Of course, the actual process of a bill getting to Congress is way more complicated these days, 25% 'cause those liberal freaks go too far...

Riser: The near-vertical element in a set of stairs, forming the space between one step and the next. This is the thing that separates the cool stairs and the absolute bullshit slope.

Nosing: An edge part of the tread that protrudes over the riser beneath. This is the thing that seperates the cool fuzzy or brick stairs from the pretentious, fancy schmancy, and IRS-loving stairs with BIG PROTRUDING nosings.

Handrails: Things old people pray for right after Jesus. Or maybe also LifeCall, we really don't know. These falling situations usually clog their phone lines. Handrails are things that you climb on so you don't accidentally fall down (and why would you you fvking luser!)

Volute: A handrail end element for the bullnose step that curves inward like a spiral. I can't actually think of a joke for this, because let's be completely honest, who the hell is going to make a joke about a damn volute? Except for like, a REALLY autistic architect.

Baluster: A term for the vertical posts that hold up the handrail. Also known as guards, spindles, and well, the more phallic innuendos we can pull out of our minds and our pants, the better.

Any other terms?

There are a lot of other terms, but we'd be here forever trying to think of passable jokes for ALL of these. I'm pretty sure I failed for even the ones given to me. Besides, unless you're studying to make MC Escher stairs you really don't care, do you?

Use of stairs

Stairs have not been the greatest with vehicles like the bicycle. A better motion is to throw it up and pray to Buddha it doesn't fall down and give you a crash course in concussions. Or really just crashing in general.

So why the hell do we use these rickety old stairs anyway? Well, Timmy, the answer is as complicated as to why both your parents left y- I mean, why birds go away in the winter.

Stairs are usually used as the third easiest way to escalate a tower, right after using an elytra and noclipping your way through it a la Backrooms. People usually tend to use it over slopes, unless you want to cover your mansions in traps to kill a dog and four other unsuspecting teenagers. Look man, you do you. Most houses usually have one flights of stairs, because the $$ECONOMY$$. Two flights of stairs and you're already in the 1%, if I had to guess. (The attic stairs don't count though you little sh-)

The rise of hostile architecture in the US has actually almost ruined stairs. Now since homeless people just GOTTA be homeless, spikes have been popping up in stairs to stop them from making tents and whatever. Maybe it's to distinguish real people from the balloon people that the government uses to spy on us, but hey that's just me. They're probably also used to keep Tony Hawk from doing an ollie on all of our shit. I HATE YOU TONY HAWK *cries* WHY DID YOU *sniff* RUIN NYC!!! I have no reason to live... *puts bullet into gun* *shoots a skateboarder coming down the street* I've cleansed this world.

I'm sorry, what the fuck?

Oh, right, hostile architecture. Well, they've been installing bolts on the stairs for a LONG time, and well, I can't really find a home to sleep, so when these things happen, you need your trusty crowbar to pry them off. Yes, this has turned into a HowTo, shut up.

HowTo:Pry Bolts Off Stairs So You Can Sleep on Them Since You're Homeless (or HT:PBOSSYCSOTSYH) for short

Step 1: Kill the Bolts (Just Like You'd Want to Kill the Clergy)

This crowbar is very hard actually. Oh, wow, these bolts are sealed tight. uhh.. Do you have any flamethrowers or something?

Step 2: Instead, Get a Flamethrower

They're fire-resistant. Damn it. Well, uhh, I probably need to uhh..

Step 3: Leave the City into the Next Country (Drop the A-Bomb)

Alright, well, this is the last straw. I need to get some GODDAMN sleep, and I'm homeless. So, say goodbye, Memphis!!

• presses*

KABOOM!

Step 4: In A Very Obvious and Telegraphed Punchline, The Stairs Survive and You Still Have No Place to Sleep, So You Might as Well Just Sleep on the Radioactive Grass Before You Die

So, uhh, sorry, to all of you living in Tennessee, or any neighboring states. You're kinda dead. HOWEVER, I did promise some guy I'd give him some pizza rolls before I die, so forget me for a second before I just, wait, couldn't I just use a screwdr-

Step 5: Yes, You Could Do It This Entire Time

Shut up, subheading. Let me just, uhh. Wait, why is my skin melting off? Wait, NO, NO NO NO NO NO

Step 6: I'll Take Over for Him

Yeah, so, since he's dead, I'll just give you the epilogue

Why did I even search up stairs?

That's really your problem if you didn't know what they were, but hey, at least you laughed? Right? No? Well, I'm not laughing either. Are you going to laugh? Hello?

...

48° 51′ 29.6″ N, 2° 17′ 40.2″ E

Sweet dreams.