Sellout Jesus

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
Jump to navigation Jump to search

Jesus discussing concept art ideas for his new sellout CD, "Straight Outta Bethlehem"
One of the many merchandising schemes of Sellout Jesus, the Jesus Dartboard.

To date, Jesus Christ (Stage name Jesus H. Doofusbutt Shittlebiscuit Dammithole Shitty McTitty Christ) is ranked as the second biggest merchandise sellout of all time, just under Hannah Montana. Jesus has come out with refrigerator magnets, dress up games, action figures, board games, Je-buses (by Volkswagen), t-shirts, and Mel Gibson movies, just to name a few.


At the peak of Jesus' popularity, he got signed for the short-lived primetime TBS sitcom Just Crucify Me. The show did not take off, which was blamed entirely on Jesus being required to be clean-shaven for the part, and way too many Oscar Wilde jabs. Jesus' character, "Jesus H. Fitzgerald", was a bustling American entrepreneur whose career got put on hold when the Holy Spirit accidentally impregnated an unspecified woman, and she made Jesus take the baby, since it's his holy trinity, it's his fault, hence the name "Just Crucify Me".

In 2005, MTV signed Mr. Christ for Sweet Jesus!, a rip-off of Jackass, which followed Jesus and the 12 apostles doing crazy stunts and pulling pranks. Pranks and stunts included turning water into wine when Paul was taking a shower, and streaking through the Westboro Baptist Church compound. At the June 18, 2009 premier of their movie adaptation, Sweet Jesus! Sweeter and Uncut, an interview with Christ and the Chrew revealed that a sequel is already in pre-production, set for release in 2011. The working title is Sweet Jesus Goes Diabetic.


Screenshot from the Jesus McDonalds commercial

Jesus has done television advertisements for:

  • The Bush Administration/Mike Huckabee
  • AT&T
  • Apple
  • Preparation H
  • Cheesus snack foods
  • McDonald's
  • almost Right Guard Deodorant, but lost it to Bam Margera
  • "Passion of the Christ" theatrical trailer (Voice-over)
  • Volkswagen Je-bus

Cheesus and Jeetos[edit]

This hand-sculpted masterpiece can be special ordered for dinner parties. $80.00, or $68.95 for Christians.

As if all Jesus has already done to cash out isn't enough, he then swept the dairy product market with Cheesus, even selling children's lunch packs consisting of Cheesus and communion crackers (and a version with pepperoni slices), and a juice box.

Jeetos - a saviourlicious snack for the whole family.

With the overnight sensation success of Cheddar Cheesus, he worked out a deal with Cheetos and released Jeetos. The tagline for this new saviorlicious snack is "Cheesus, these are good!" and is a huge hit in church youth groups.


Arguably Jesus' most successful sellout is his Res-erection® ED pill. If anyone knows about resurrection, it's Jesus, and his patented formula is guaranteed to res-erect your johnson, or He'll send you a free 3-month supply of it, no questions asked. And a free Jesus T-shirt.