Kirkification

The first victim of the Kirkification Virus, often called 'Patient Zero' or 'Da Big Kirk'

Kirkification (officially called Metamopho Two Guy Who Got Shot) is an incredibly dangerous viral infection that can target anyone (that can pay the rent to use the internet), but mostly targets popular internet streamers or celebrities. When one catches the virus, their skin turns a sickly pale color, as their haircut begins to look god-awful. Or, in layman's terms, they turn into Charlie Kirk. The first cases of this outbreak were recorded in late September of 2025, or 0 A.K. (After Kirk.) The most commonly recognized catalyst for the outbreak is the death of the right-wing podcaster and professional deadbeat father, Charlie 'Liberal Crusher' Kirk.

On September 10th, 2025, young Kirk traveled to Utah Valley University, a place nobody had ever heard of, because it was in Utah. There, many young, vile, tree-hugging liberal wackos questioned the enlightened Kirk about various issues of the day. When one young man asked about how many mass shooters there had been in the US in the past ten years, Kirk replied "Counting or not counting gang violence?" Charlie was then shot through the neck by one Tyler Robinson, who had engraved on his bullets such phrases as 'UwU, notices your bulge.' (Seriously.) Suffice to say, we cannot tell whether he was far-right or far left. Unknown to Robinson, lodged inside Charlie 'Ow My Balls' Kirk's neck, was Pandora's Box, which had been hidden there, and was the direct cause of his stunted facial growth. When Robinson shot Kirk, the latch on the box was open, and all the evils sealed inside the box were released into the world. Such evils included the popularity of Mexican Nazi, Nick Fuentes, the song 'We are Charlie Kirk,' and the Kirkification Virus.

Despite the best efforts of President Donald J. Trump and Vice President Jorkin Dapeanus 'JD' Vance to stop the spread by telling True American Patriots to report anyone mocking Charlie 'Why Would a Dolphin Need an Abortion' Kirk, the virus still spread. As of the time of writing, there is no known cure to the Kirkification Virus, and the infected are doomed to wander the earth, asking college students insane questions.

Stages of Development

It is not uncommon for people in the early stages of Kirkification to see him in their dreams. These dreams have been dubbed 'dry dreams' because this face can turn even the wettest of dreams into the Sahara. I was having this one dream where I was on a date with Scarlett Johannsen, but, you know what, forget it.

First Exposure

If one is visually exposed to Kirk's face repeatedly, especially if it is superimposed over another face, or, if they are forced to listen to the song 'We are Charlie Kirk' or any of its other auditory remixes, one may develop curious features. Their teeth shall grow yellow, their smile, vaguely off-putting, and their voice shall begin to take on a whiny, condescending tone. This is the first stage of Kirkification.

Internalization

These next symptoms usually develop about 5-10 days after the initial exposure to the disease. It coincides with dreams featuring Charlie 'American Hero' Kirk's face, which greatly interrupt sexually charged wet dreams, er... according to patient testimonies. These people begin to truly internalize Charlie's mannerisms, and even his political ideology. They become much more argumentative, they might start ruining your chances with the hot liberal girl with the blue hair by shouting at her at Thanksgiving. They become far more talkative in general, and when someone asks them to be quiet, they usually whine about how their free speech is being infringed upon, despite the fact they're the one shutting others up. This is the second stage in the development of Kirkification.

Metamorphosis

The final stage of Kirkification is the point of no return. It happens suddenly, and if someone has managed to pretend they are not sick up until this point, now, there can be no doubt. One's face becomes pale, as pale as uh, well, Kirk. Their cheeks begin to swell like big balloons, and their eyes become two beady, opportunistic brown orbs. Their face constricts, making them look really weird in comparison to their big head. Yes, at this point, a patient is Charlie 'Biggest Small Man on College Campuses' Kirk, and Charlie 'I Love Public Executions' Kirk is that patient. There is no way around it. This third and final stage leads to well, not death, but a profoundly sad life, spent around college children. A life where you come home to see Erika talking about how much JD Vance reminds her of you. Ouch.

Steps to Combat the Disease

Developing Kirkification is a truly harrowing fate, and I wouldn't wish it upon my worst enemy. Well, okay, maybe I would. But there are certain common-sense steps that can be taken to combat the disease, and avoid developing it. The following guidelines and suggestions are taken directly from the CDC Kirkification Advisory page, which you can view by putting your finger up your ass and going to cdc.com/weloveyoucharlie.

Get a Job

As previously stated, Kirkification targets streamers or internet celebrities, or in the rare cases, um, sorry, let me see if I read that right... pornstars? But there are many, many, many sectors of employment that are naturally resistant to Kirkification. There are some jobs, and by extension, some people, that are so boring the disease just doesn't want to infect them. Have you ever heard of a Computer Scientist being Kirkified? I haven't. So if one is a data analyst, an office worker, a trash guy, (or woman, I don't care) they have a natural resistance to Kirkification due to the fact their jobs are so boring. Now, do not be fooled. Teachers may be underpaid, they may live dismal lives despite their hard work, but they are NOT resistant to the disease. Small children will do their best to get their teachers to contract the disease, because small children suck.

Holds the world record for debating one thousand liberals in one day.

Stay Off the Internet

Now, I know what you're thinking. 'Stay off the internet? That's where I watch all my porn!' And to that I say, get out those old Playboys, or turn into Kirk. It's your choice. The internet is the number one location for the spread of Kirkification, because absolutely nobody is original anymore. Anybody who is anybody will be Kirkified, and if your face becomes a widely spread image? It's over. You're done. Within five days or less, there will be a Kirkified version of your face.

Conceal Yourself

Concealing yourself is by far the best way to deal with all this. If nobody can see your face, then nobody can make you into Charlie 'I Need to Get a Job' Kirk. If ever in doubt about whether or not clothing is safe, simply see if it passes the DICK test.

• Does it properly cover my face and my body?
• If I was a woman wearing this in front of Ayatollah Ali Khameini, would he have me shot for dishonoring Allah?
• Could I rob a bank without being identified in these clothes?
• Kould the Ku Klux Klan mistake me for a white person if I was black?

If your clothing passed these four simple tests, then you will be safe from Kirkification. If you hate fun and find the DICK test to be crude, rude, or ineffective, you may want to consider, what is your major malfunction? Once you have discovered what it is, you might be satisfied with simply asking yourself 'does it cover my face?' Which, well, I guess works as well.

Stay Out of Politics

Now, politics are terrible, especially in America, where your choice is the blue corporate Israeli shill, or the red corporate Israeli shill. So some may already be disconnected from politics, but those who aren't, stop. The second most common place to hear about Kirk (behind Twitter) is the political scene, where apparently, he was somewhat important. People on the right loved him, people on the left hated him, people in the center needed some more time to consider whether or not he was justified when he said the Civil Rights Act was a mistake, and wanted to spend some time considering his perspective. But the point is, they're always talking about him. You turn on CNN, it's the Charlie 'Public Executions Rule' Kirk hate hour. You turn on FOX News, it's the Charlie 'Prophet of Supply-Side Jesus' Kirk masturbatory celebration hour. You see what I mean? Just, just stay out of politics. You'll thank me.

Notable Cases

The earliest cases of Kirkification appeared almost immediately after his death. As previously stated, this greatly alarmed the government of the United States, as Charlie Kirk was an excellent partisan propagandist for the Republican Party. Uncharacteristically, they took incredibly thorough measures to combat the disease. Due to the digital spread of the disease via wrongthink, the government acted fast. They tried to combat this pandemic by turning Charlie '13th Disciple' Kirk, who had been a semi-known political commentator, into a righteous conservative martyr. As such, there was a focused campaign on glorifying his image. This included giving Kirk a Medal of Freedom post-mortem, a ceremony that, shockingly, Charlie 'I'm Running out of Nickname Ideas' Kirk did not attend, despite his supposed support of President Trump.

Additionally, Vice President JD Vance hosted an episode of Charlie 'Smile for the Camera' Kirk's Podcast, 'Kirky's Krazy Show.' Here, he did what the US Government does best whenever they face any major opposition or stress. They disparaged free speech. Mr. Vance said that real Americans should find people who mocked Kirk, and "call them out, and, hell call their employer." The US Government developed a theory that the disease was spread through the discussion of Kirk that wasn't noxiously positive, and did all sorts of things to crack down on what was, obviously the most pressing national crisis at the time.

Unfortunately for the government, every single human being still has that little voice in their brain that says 'you can't tell me what to do, old man!' These disease control measures had the opposite effect, as people on Twitter, intensified their infectious activities. Memes made of Charlie 'I Have to Link to Another Article Everytime I Mention Him so People Know it's His Name' Kirk's face, and the exposure of disparaging quotes about him, burst forth onto the internet like a tidal wave. And of course, the first cases of Kirkification began to spread, some in video form, some in image form, but all incredibly deadly. These following sections are about notable cases.

Darren Watkins

One of the first recorded cases was the hospital admission of one Darren Watkins Jr, known on the interwebs as 'IShowSpeed.' At this time, there was no known causes of disease, and we cannot say for sure why he contracted the condition. But an educated guess made by the foremost authority on the topic, the Bureau of Hillbilly Medical Folk is that he had a pre-existing vulnerability to the condition, due to his tendency to make faces that have been described as 'really fucking funny.' At the time of infection, Mr. Watkins was streaming his critically acclaimed masterpiece, 'Early Stream!'

Watkins was playing the children's video game Fortnite, a game well-known for its mature, kind, and accepting fanbase that really do have some insightful discussions. Watkins was engaging in a bout of 1v1s, a practice where both sides ascended into the sky, building structures of great size while shooting each other. Eventually though, it all comes crashing down, like 9/11. It is during this event that Watkins, who had been doing a great job hiding his symptoms, rapidly developed into the third and final stage.

'PLEASE KIRK, I NEED THIS! My mom is kinda liberal..."

Acey Daddy: “I'M GOING TO LOSE!" (beat) "Please Speed... I need this! My mom is kinda homeless... I live with my dad, I'm just trying to help her out.”

Pew Is Daddy: “Yo Speed, I'm watching your stream right now, why you trying not to laugh, bruh?”

It was at this point that viewers of the stream began to notice a change in Mr. Watkins, culminating in the further exchange listed below.

IShowKirk: “How is your mom 'kind of homeless?' That makes no sense, there is no factual or statistical way to be 'kind of homeless.' Either you're homeless or you're not.”

Acey Daddy: “Speed, that's my mom, bro, don't be so rude please!"”

IShowKirk: “So, your mother lives alone. She is, well, I'm gonna say she's homeless. You live with your father, who is your primary provider of care, and we can assume your parents are divorced. This is the future that Democrats and generally liberal forces have engineered. They've sponsored this idea of going to college, being this 'independent woman' and abandoning family values, and now this is what it leads to, kids crying to streamers about how their home environment has collapsed.”

Pew Is Daddy: “Yo what the fuck is he talking about?”

Fortunately for your sanity, dear reader, my little sugarplum, the stream was forcibly ended by Mr. Watkins' roommate, who expressed a great deal of concern for him. When attempting to bring Watkins to the hospital, he reportedly professed that 'the very idea of universal healthcare is a utopian socialistic scam, and entirely anathema to the idea of American individuality.' Let the record show that nobody actually said anything about universal healthcare, as before his transformation, IShowSpeed was not known for his enlightened political discussion. When admitted to the hospital, Watkins refused any sedatives or injections, stating he did not want 'Dr. Fauci's liberal vaccine.' He then went on to say that 'If I see a black doctor, I'm going to be like, boy I hope he's qualified.' This greatly offended his black doctor, who refused to treat him. Watkins complained that he was a liberal who had simply taken his statement out of context. Three days after being admitted by doctors for Kirkification, Mr. Watkins died after starting a fire in his ward with a Pikachu firework. Some habits die hard.

Sean Combs

'Mo Liberals Mo Problems' performed live at the MDC in NYC! Book your tickets now!

Sean 'Diddy' Combs is, well, the man who bought all the baby oil for all of his sex parties. Oh yes, he also had a semi-successful career as a rapper and a rap producer. But well, everyone remembers him for the baby oil thing. One may wonder why Diddy of all people developed Kirkification, as he isn't the kind of guy to engage with right-wing political figures. Or so it would seem. Interviews recovered by me and my research team, consisting of five monkeys and Keir Starmer show Diddy expressing great admiration for Kirk, calling him 'the realest nigga who hates niggas.' Diddy and Kirk's relationship seems to go back as 2019, when Donald Trump brought Kirk along to a party, where he reportedly stood in the corner muttering 'this so gay.' Kirk and Diddy immediately forged a bond, with Kirk remarking that Diddy had 'great woman-beating techniques.'

When Diddy discovered that Kirk was dead, he was in prison, the same prison where people like Luigi Mangione and Ghislaine Maxwell were. Don't ask me why they were all there, because I don't know. After hearing of Diddy's diagnosis with Kirkification while Watching CNN, I wanted to investigate personally. I requested a press pass to enter the prison, which I easily acquired in personal correspondence with Zohran Mamdani, who, after subjecting me to the Jizya Tax, allowed me entry. There I conducted an interview with one of Diddy's cellmates, a man known as 'Big Josh.' For your reading pleasure, I have transcribed the interview below.

Peen Ish: “Thank you for your time, Mister-”

Big Josh: “It's Big Josh.”

Peen Ish: “Okay, Mister Big Jo-”

Big Josh: “No, it's just Big Josh. None of this mister shit, white boy.”

Peen Ish: “I really don't think this matters for the sake of the interview. So, Big Josh. Am I correct in saying that you were P. Diddy's roommate?”

Big Josh: “Yeah, I knew Diddy. We all knew Diddy, we all knew him real well. Inside and out. Especially me, 'cause I was his cellmate. I called him 'Chocolate Sean.'”

Peen Ish: “Jesus Christ. Did Diddy ever talk about Charlie Kirk?”

Big Josh: “You wouldn't expect it, but quite a bit. He had a picture of him he keistered in, he was good at using his ass for that kind of thing. He sometimes talked about how much he got along with him and liked his podcasts. I remember the day he died real well, 'cause we was in the shower. He had just dropped the soap, and it was my turn to take a bite out of that chocolate, but suddenly he stood up. He just looked up at the showerhead and said: 'Charlie's dead.' We didn't even know until we saw the newspaper the next day.”

Peen Ish: “Note to self: Diddy might have had a telepathic connection with Kirk. So, recently, Diddy was moved out of the prison due to a disease. Reports say he suddenly started debating the guards on his conviction, is that correct?”

Big Josh: “Yeah, I remember that shit. One day I wake up, and I hear some loud talking. Diddy had been acting weird the past few days, talking shit about black people committing fifty percent of the crime despite being thirteen percent of the population. And I tried to explain the intricacies of the American prison system and the way it took advantage of black people through racially based structures. I spoke about the war on drugs and Ronald Reagan, the way the thirteenth Amendment allows slavery in prison, the moneymaking business model of the prison industrial complex, but he just wasn't hearing it.”

Peen Ish: “Do you understand any of what you just said?”

Big Josh: “Yeah, you think I'm stupid just 'cause I'm black?”

Peen Ish: “I think you're stupid because you're a 300 pound prison inmate with dreads that go down to your ass.”

Big Josh: “Sometimes it gets tangled with my ass hair... shit, okay, I see what you mean. So, back to Diddy, I wake up, and I look at the bars, and standing right there is Diddy. He's arguing with a guard, but he's not Diddy. That nigga done turned into Charlie Kirk. So he's going on and on about how his conviction was politically motivated and an attempt to smother free speech by liberal elites. And I tell him, 'nigga, you done sex crimes!' But he didn't even respond. He just kept talking with the guards, and the guards was real confused, because he had the face of a white man, but the skin of a black man, so they didn't know where to completely disregard his crimes or taze the life out of him.”

Peen Ish: “So, how did it end?”

Big Josh: “Eventually they come and drag Diddy off, apparently they took him to some kind of hospital. I dunno what really happened after that.”

Peen Ish: “Thank you for your time, Big Josh.”

Big Josh: “Don't be a stranger, white boy!”

The Metamorphosis

The third and final case is... that's not right. Who, who put this here? Must have been a liberal or something. I mean, I've been spending a lot of time researching the disease, but I haven't been constantly exposing myself to his face, right? Maybe, maybe I should take a break from writing this.

Okay, I've been on a break for a few days now, but, I'm ready to get back to work. I feel just fine, honestly. Hard work is what makes the world go round. I'm not some welfare queen who needs everything from the government. Why did I say that? I'm, I'm a center-left individual, aren't I? I don't mind the welfare state. Even if it does encourage laziness, and no, it doesn't! I, god, what am I? Who am I?

I went to my doctor today. He told me that I seemed fine, perfectly, completely fine. There's no sign that the time I've spent writing this article has in any way affected me. It's stupid to believe such a thing. I've been told I look fine, maybe, maybe my teeth are a little yellow, but that could be anything. I just need to brush more, floss twice a day. I'm fine. I'm fine.

I've gone to work now, and well, everything's fine. But I'm noticing things I haven't noticed before, like, my boss is a black woman. Is she really qualified for the job? Well of course she is, I mean, she was hired, right? But was she hired as a part of a DEI program? I can't tell. How am I supposed to know whether a black person is qualified or not? And don't call me racist for saying that. It's not racist to question whether she's qualified or not. With all the affirmative action junk and all that, anyone can get any job, all willy-nilly.

I can't deny it anymore. It's not something that I can logically tell myself is not happening. Every day I wake up, my hair's a little browner. My eyes are darker and my cheeks are sticking out. My jaw has been sinking into my chin, and I can't remember certain things anymore. I, I have a wife, don't I? I do, and her name is Erika, it's Erika! But when I wake up, I'm all alone. And she's going on some sort of grieving tour... for me? But I'm alive, aren't I? But who am I? Am I me? Am I Charlie? Am I Steve Harvey? I know what I am now, because if I didn't, I would be some transgender liberal with a mental illness. I am Charlie Kirk. I am a conservative, and I cannot escape. Even now on the streets they tell me, 'I think I've seen you before!' And they run away laughing. All I can do is keep walking and give them a polite smile, which only serves to make others recoil. My friends don't talk to me anymore. They say I'm 'racist' and 'reactionary.' These stupid liberal nicknames they call me, I'm glad they don't talk to me anymore. As I sit in my room, the dim light of the computer screen the only thing illuminating my new visage in these late hours, I have but one question.

Is it counting, or not counting gang violence?

Notes

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