Center for Disease Control

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A man, possibly a shaman, touches the CDC

The CDC, or the Center for Disease Control (pictured to the right) is a monolith located in Burlington, Vermont. The CDC was established by the United States Government in June, 1957 as a way to help control the spread of infectious diseases. Contrary to popular belief, the CDC is not a research center, but a monolith bestowed with mystical powers.

In the Summer of '53[edit]

The year was 1953, and the common cold and other nasty diseases were rampaging across the nation, causing headaches, stuffy sinuses, dizziness, nausea, and even runny noses. Even rich white men became sick, prompting Washington to take notice.

"Oh! Won't someone do something?!?" wailed a rich white man trying to stanch the flow of mucus from his nose with hundred-dollar bills.

Congress, itself the domain of rich white men and painfully aware of their suffering, formed a committee to look into the formation of a center for disease research. Millions of dollars and several dozen blowjobs later, Congress formed a committee to look into the committee looking into the formation of a center for disease research to find out exactly where all the money was going.

No answers were found, and rich white men were still sneezing in the halls of power. The situation was dire.

Then, as if on cue, a little-known lobby, the Council of VooDoo, stepped forth and persuaded Congress to develop a state-of-the-art monolith that would then be infused with Great Power and placed in an easily accessible location to help ward off disease in the United States.

After groping some interns, Congress decided to disband the committees, fund the monolith, and place the finished product in the center of the US: Vermont.

The CDC is Built[edit]

Federally contracted craftsmen working night and day in a factory in Decatur, Ohio, fashioned the CDC from granite, blue paint, and love. The finished product was put on a train, shipped to Nebraska, and kept there in storage for three years until 1957.

In June of 1957, a group of shamans, Catholic Priests, and select members of the Ministry of Magic blessed, charmed, hexed, annointed, consecrated, and kissed the CDC after it was delivered via pack mule to Burlington Vermont.

The CDC Today[edit]

For a paltry 130.5 million dollars a year, a sum that would not be better spent elsewhere, the CDC is maintained by a staff of three groundskeepers, two granite polishers, five shamans, and fourteen executive members of the Center for Disease Control Board. The CDC is accessible to be touched, rubbed, kissed, or licked after US citizens clear a three-month wait and present $50 USD, and forms in triplicate approved by their PPO, HMO, or other medical provider (Medicare and Medicaid not accepted).