Lynyrd Skynyrd

Lynyrd Skynyrd
Origins	The South
Year(s) active	1964 - 1977,1979,1987 - Present
Genre(s)	Southern Rock
Label(s)	McA
Members	Far too many to count

“I killed them!! I CRASHED THE PLANE!!!”

~ Neil Young on Lynyrd Skynyrd

“What Song IS IT YOU WANNA HEAR??”

~ Ronnie Van Zant on Lynyrd Skynyrd

“PLAY FREEBIRD!!”

~ Oscar Wilde on Lynyrd Skynyrd

“I fucking hate Lynyrd Skynyrd, I've always hated Lynyrd Skynyrd. Fuckin' backwards ass hillbilly shit.”

~ Billie Joe Armstrong of Green Day on Lynyrd Skynyrd

“Well, we don't like you either. And that's not very nice. *sadface*”

~ Lynyrd Skynyrd on Billie Joe Armstrong

Lynyrd Skynyrd were a southern rock band in the 1970s, until they were involved in a plane crash, and they all died, except for some of them. The surviving members returned in the late 1980s, and reformed the band, but it was not as good, and so nobody cares.

History

Early years

Lynyrd Skynyrd began in the summer of 1964, in Jacksonville, Florida. Sixteen-year-old Ronnie Van Zant was taking part in the noble sport of grenade-throwing, when he accidentally-on-purpose threw a grenade at another teenager, Gary's Friend, who was watching the sport with his friend Gary Rossington. Ronnie was worried that he might have killed him, and so he walked over to see if Gary's Friend was okay. Miraculously, he was okay. And so they started talking about music, which was, to them, more interesting that what had just happened. It soon became apparent that they were all semi-talented: Ronnie, could sort of sing, Gary could sort of play the guitar, and Gary's Friend (who probably had a name but nobody cares) could sort of play the drums.

Later on, they decided that they needed a second guitarist, and it was common knowledge that Allen Collins could play the guitar, and so one day, when Ronnie, Gary and Gary's Friend (who, by then, was also Ronnie's friend but didn't feel the need to change his name just because he had found a new friend) were driving around in Ronnie's car, and when they came across Allen, who was riding on his bicycle. They decided to go after him, but Allen thought that they were going to murder him, as Ronnie had a reputation for street fights, as well as accidentally-on-purpose throwing grenades at people, and so he biked away as fast as he could, which was actually quite fast, because he was tall and skinny, and tall skinny people are usually good at being fast. They are also usually on drugs, but that came later. Anyhow, seeing as most cars can indeed travel faster than most bicycles, Allen knew that he had to hide. So, he tried riding his bicycle up a tree. This of course, didn't actually work, but we all know that Allen Collins was insane. In a good way, of course, but insane nevertheless. Anyway, while Allen was lying on the ground writhing in pain, Ronnie, Gary and Gary's Friend asked him if he wanted to be in their band, but he was in so much pain that he could only say AAAAAAAAA! Later on he did agree to be in their band, and Lynyrd Skynyrd was born. Of course, the band went through 104 name changes before they were finally called Lynyrd Skynyrd.

The Many Names of Lynyrd Skynyrd

The band went through a large number of names, including My Backyard, One Percent, The Noble Five, (experts believe that either this name came after they acquired bassist Leon Wilkeson, but in actual fact, he came later... the truth was, they couldn't count) and of course The Hallabalulahey Band. But the band's final name has a rather interesting story behind it. (Actually, many of you will find it tediously boring, but nobody cares about many of you.)

Several members of the band went to the same school, and at that particular school, there was a gym teacher named Leonard Skinner, who may or may not have been Hitler. Leonard was not fond of boys with long hair, and Ronnie, Gary, Gary's Friend, and That Bassist That They Had Before They Had Leon Wilkeson all had long hair. So did Allen, but he did not go to that school. Eventually, they were all expelled from school and ejected into space. When they returned to Earth, they decided to name the band in a mock-tribute to Leonard Skinner, but, as well as not being able to count, they couldn't spell either.

Hell House

Lynyrd Skynyrd practiced in what they liked to call Hell House, which was actually just a giant bathtub. Sometimes members of the band lived in Hell House, but, seeing as it was a bathtub, it had no roof, and so they got rained on a lot, which wasn't fun. Apparently, some of their greatest songs were written there. It is not known if anyone ever had a bath in the giant bathtub.

Albums

The Not Album

In 1972 they made an album, but none of the record companies liked it, and so the band went back to where they came from, and cried, and were sad, and considered turning emo, but decided against it. The Not Album was eventually released in 1978, but it didn't matter because by then everyone was dead, except for the ones who weren't.

Pronounced 'WTF how do you say that again?'

In 1973, Lynyrd Skynyrd returned from wherever it was that they were at before 1973, and made another album, called 'Pronounced WTF How do you say that again' because they knew that people wouldn't be able to pronounce their name. Sadly, they weren't able to pronounce their name either. But, of course just before they made the album, their bassist, Leon Wilkeson, got freaked out and ran away to work in an ice-cream store. Nobody knows why he did this, but experts believe that he was on drugs. The band had to find another bassist, and so they found Ed King, who was not a bassist but a guitarist, but that didn't seem to matter. Many people believe that Ed King was fat, but in actual fact it was just an optical illusion. After their first album was released, they finally realised that Ed King was actually not a bassist, and so they got Leon Wilkeson back (he was sick of the ice-cream store by then) and Ed King switched to guitar. And they all lived happily ever after until the next album.

Track Listing:

• 1. I Ate the Bun (A Southern version of who ate the cookie from the cookie jar)
• 2. Thursday's Gone (about when Ronnie missed an episode of Criminal Minds and had to wait until next Thursday to see the show)
• 3. Sparkly Vampires (about Ronnie's encounter with Edward Cullen)
• 4. Simple Man (about Ronnie's contempt for smart people)
• 5. Things Going Off (Ronnie's rant about when Gary left the cheese out of the fridge for a whole month and it went off)
• 6. Mississippi Kiss (Ronnie died in Mississippi, but at the time they didn't know that. the meaning of this song is unclear)
• 7. Poisson Rouge (about Gary's goldfish, who died when Ronnie puked in its bowl)
• 8. Free Nerd (one night Ronnie and some nerdy guy met in jail. Ronnie was arrested for beating up a giant hotdog, and the nerd was arrested for hacking Richard Nixon's computer. The nerd was released from jail, and Ronnie was not. this is the song that he wrote while in jail)

Ronnie Van Zant and Edward Cullen

One of the songs on 'Pronounced WTF' is based on an event that actually happened to Ronnie Van Zant. One day, Ronnie, Gary and Allen were in some bar which is located on planet Earth, and Ronnie was dancing with some random girl, when the random girl's boyfriend walked in. And he was, of course, Edward Cullen. (Bella Swan was devastated when she found out that Edward had had other girlfriends before her, but she'll get over it.) Edward had a gun, and was going to shoot Ronnie. Here is where the song differs from real life. In the song, Ronnie screamed and ran away, but in real life, a glimmer of sunlight came in through the window, and Edward started sparkling, and then everyone started cracking up because sparkly people are funny. And so Edward ran away, and Ronnie was not dead for the time being.

Second Helping

Lynyrd Skynyrd's second album was called Second Helping, and it was released in 1974. The big hit on this album was Sweet Home Alabama, a song that doesn't make any sense, because the band came from Florida, except for Ed King, who came from California. The song was written about Neil Young, who the band liked very much because he came from Canada, but didn't like because he said that everyone in the Southern States of America was racist, even though they weren't. At the time there were at least two people in the South who weren't racist, so Neil was making an unfair generalization about several million people based on the behaviour of all of them apart from two. Sweet Home Alabama was later used as the theme song for KFC, which is bizarre because only one member of the band was a chicken.

Track Listing:

• 1. Sweet Home AlaBAM! and the Dirt is Gone (a confused drunken rambling about cleaning products)
• 2. I Peed on Your Carpet (about Ronnie's encounter with Stephen Hawking)
• 3. Don't Ask Me No Questions About My Sexuality (a song Ronnie wrote after many people accused his band of being gay. Little did he know they actually meant happy)
• 4. Working for McDonald's (Ronnie's bizarre encounter with chicken nuggets)
• 5. The Ballad of Mick Jagger (Ronnie's tribute to one of his musical idols
• 6. Swamp Rats (Ronnie complaining about how his house is infested with swamp rats)
• 7. The Needle and the Spoon (about when Ronnie tried sewing and making soup at the same time and ended up getting third degree burns on in insides of his nostrils)
• 8. Call Me The Breeze, Because I Make You Cold When Your Clothes Are Wet (about a dream Ronnie once had)
• 9. Don't Ask Me No Questions About My Sexuality: The Techno Remix (music video features Marilyn Monroe and JFK)
• 10. Was I Right or Wrong (Ronnie's memories of taking spelling tests at age ten)
• 11. Take Your Time, But Don't Take My Undies Because I'm Actually Borrowing Them and They Really Belong to Patrick Stump (When Ronnie borrowed a pair of undies and then a thief broke into his house and stole them.

A Change of Drummer

Sometime between 1974 and 1975, the drummer, Gary's Friend, leaves the band. After this, he is known as Nobody's Friend, as Gary does not want to be friends with him anymore. He was temporarily replaced by George W. Bush, who was fired after trying to eat Gary Rossington. Their next drummer was Artimus Pyle, who is not Artemis Fowl, never has been, and never will be. Artimus Pyle looked like Jesus and always wore long songs, short shorts, and no shirt. It is hypothesized that he was, in fact, cosplaying as his favourite anime character, Antarctica from the Japanese TV show Antarctica and the Yaoi Robots vs Bishie Alien Catgirl #575.

Nuthin' Fancy

As I said before, the band could not spell, count, or pronounce their own name, and this album advertises the fact. It is also quite hypocritical album, the first song's message being: 'Guns are bad, don't shoot people, it's not nice,' the second song's message being: 'my girlfriend cheats on me, I think I might shoot her with my gun,' and the third song's message being: 'Yay, I'm a hobo.' This was also the only album featuring Stephen King as their fourth guitarist. Critics who reviewed the album said that his guitar-playing was too scary, and so the band fired Stephen King.

Track Listing:

• 1. Saturday Night Special at Wal-Mart (about when Ronnie bought a gun on special at Wal-Mart and ended up shooting his mother accidentally)
• 2. Cheatin' Woman Will Die When I Kill Her (about Ronnie's murderous fantasies)
• 3. Railroad Song (about being a hobo)
• 4. I'm a Country Boy (an explanation as to why none of the band could spell their own names or count to 666)
• 5. On the Hunt (about hunting for wild boar so he could take them into his house and get them to eat the darn swamp rats)
• 6. Am I Losin' (about the 1972 election)
• 7. Made in China (about when Ronnie realised that The All American Rejects were actually robots made in China)
• 8. Whiskey Rock-A-Roll-A-Rumplestiltskin (Ronnie trying record a song about fairy tales while drunk)

Gimme Back My Banana Peel

In 1976, the band released their fourth album. This was the first time since 1973 that they had only had two guitarists, as they had fired Stephen King, and Ed King (who may or may nor be related to Stephen King) had ran away because people kept calling him fat. (In actual fact, it was just an optical illusion.) The album was also the only album they ever did which had the same name as a song on the album. During live performances of 'Gimme Back My Banana Peel,' at least one fan would throw a banana peel onto the stage. After slipping over on banana peels several times, the band stopped performing the song live. This album also featured the band's three female backing vocalists, Cassie Gaines (who later died), Jo Billingsley (who claimed to be psychic but probably wasn't) and Leslie Hawkins (who nobody cares about).

Track Listing

• 1. Gimme Back My Banana Peel (about when Ronnie was eight and the school bully stole his favourite banana peel)
• 2. Every Mother's Son Has a Mother (Ronnie stating the obvious)
• 3. Rust (Ronnie realising that his robotic girlfriend was starting to rust)
• 4. I Got the Same Old Shoes (Ronnie complaining about how he can only afford one pair of shoes)
• 5. Double Trouble Barney Rubble (Ronnie got the idea for this song while watching The Flintstones
• 6. Roll Barrel Roll (when Ronnie's pants were taken by the repo men and he had to wear barrel pants)
• 7. Google Searching (Ronnie had a dream about a future with something called 'internet')
• 8. Cry For the Bad Man (Ronnie started feeling sorry for the killers on Criminal Minds)
• 9. All I Can Do is Whine About It (Ronnie whining about the state of the nation but not doing anything)

Live album: One More from the Bus Shelter

Also in 1976, Lynyrd Skynyrd released a live album, from a live concert done in a bus shelter in Atlanta, Georgia. For this album, they had a brand new guitarist, Steve Gaines, the brother, cousin, pet moose and husband of backing singer Cassie Gaines. Several days after the album was released, the bus shelter was eaten by a walrus. Features all of their greatest hits as well as three new songs:

• T for Texas (Ronnie trying to spell a word, but only managing the first letter)
• Travelling Salesman (Ronnie imagining what it might be like to be a travelling salesman)
• Crossroads (look both ways before crossing the road)

Paris Survivors and Plane Crash

In 1977, the band temporarily had Paris Hilton as a guitarist, but they fired her because she sucked. They then released an album called Paris Survivors, because they had encountered Paris Hilton and lived to tell the tale. Less than a week after the album was released, Ronnie Van Zant, Steve Gaines and Cassie Gaines tragically died in a plane crash. Backing singer Jo Billingsley, who was not on the plane when it crashed, claimed to have a prophetic dream about the crash before it happened, but she was most likely lying. Many believe that the cover of Paris Survivors was almost an omen: the front of the album depicts the entire band on a flaming plane which is being flown by Paris Hilton.

Track Listing:

• 1. What's Your Name? (When Ronnie forgot everyone's name, including his own)
• 2. That Smell (When Ronnie found that the cheese that Gary left out of the fridge for a week four years earlier was still on Ronnie's kitchen table)
• 3. One More Time (Ronnie enthusing about the fact that the next time he hires a DVD from Video Sleazy he'll get one free)
• 4. I Know A Little, But Not Much (Ronnie confessing his lack of intelligence)
• 5. You Got Fat, Right? (Ronnie meeting his ex girlfriend after ten years and finding that she has put on a lot of weight)
• 6. I Never Screamed (Ronnie on finding a spider on his wall)
• 7. Honky Tonk Night Time Wo-Man (When Ronnie mistook a drag show for a NASCAR race.)
• 8. Ain't No Good Life (a political song about being on a boat)

The Curse: Be My Intern... Forever

Between October 20th and November 10th, anyone who listens to the album Paris Survivors becomes trapped in a reality show. The show, "Be My Intern", was an idea that Ronnie Van Zant had in the shower a month before he died, but after his death, the show was discontinued. However, when people become trapped in the show because of the curse, they have to work as interns for the ghost of Ronnie Van Zant. Each week after November 10th, someone is eliminitated, until there is only one person left. They are the winner. The winner gets to die and go to wherever dead people go, and all of the losers have to work for Ronnie forever. United States President Bill Clinton also liked to do weird things with interns, but even he wasn't as creepy as this.

1977-1987: The Skynyrdless Years

Between 1977 and 1987 there was no Lynyrd Skynyrd (gasp!), but there were many spin-off bands, including The Rossington-Collins band, The Allen Collins Band, The Rossington-Wilkeson-Powell-Bush Band, and Oasis. During this time, Allen Collins managed to bee depressed, then paralyzed, then paralyzed AND depressed.

Reformation

In 1987 the band returned, with all dead and/or paralyzed members replaced by the brothers of Ronnie Van Zant: Johnny Van Zant, Donnie Van Zant, Banonnie Van Zant, and Katy Perry Van Zant. But they sucked, and nobody liked them. And after a while more of them died. Or quit the band. And now the only orignal member is Gary. And he's kinda lonely but nobody cares.

Past and Present Band Members

Singers

• Ronnie Van Zant, lead singer from 1964-1977
• No one at all, lead singer from 1977-1987
• Johnny Van Zant, lead singer from 1987-present
• Donnie Van Zant, lead nothing from 1987-8 BC

Female Backing Singers

• Cassie Gaines, Jo Billingsley and Leslie Hawkins, a.k.a. The Honkettes, backing singers from 1975-1977
• Katy Perry Van Zant, backing singer from 1987-2006
• Dale Krantz Rossington, a.k.a. Gary's Wife, backing singer from 1987-now

Guitarists

• Gary Rossington, guitarist 1964-2023
• Allen Collins, guitarist 1964-1977
• Ed King, guitarist 1974-1975, 1987-1996
• Stephen King, guitarist 1975. May or may not be related to Ed King.
• Steve Gaines, guitarist 1976-1977
• Banonnie Van Zant, guitarist 1987-1999
• Batman, guitarist 1989-1991
• Winona Ryder, guitarist 1995-2000
• Rickey Medlocke, 1996-now
• Hughie Thomasson, 199?-2006
• Freddy Krueger, 2000-2004
• Mark Matejka, a.k.a. random guy who always smiles some reason, guitarist 2006-now

Bassists

• That Bassist That They Had Before Leon Wilkeson, bassist 1964-1972
• Leon Wilkeson, bassist 1972, 1974-1977, 1987-2001
• Ed King, bassist 1973
• Ean Evans, bassist 2001-2009
• Tom Cruise, bassist 2009-

Drummers

• Gary's Friend, drummer 1964-1974
• George W. Bush, drummer 1975
• Artimus Pyle, drummer 1975-1977, 1987-1991
• Some guy no one knows the name of, drummer 1991-
• Tom Hilton from Appin Rock Band 2010-present

Pianists

• Billy Powell, 1972-1977, 1987-2009
• A random person they picked from the crowd, 2009-present

Haters

• Billie Joe Armstrong of Green Day, hater 1964-now. Was the group's first official hater.
• Edward Cullen, hater circa 1971-now

Groupies

• Me, groupie 2007-now
• Bella Swan, groupie 2008-Yesterday

Ronnie Van Zant's Secret Girlfriends That His Wife Didn't Know About

• Catherine Tate
• Every female character on Shortland Street, except Yvonne.
• That really annoying woman who is married to the guy who goes crazy in The Shining
• Pennywise the evil clown, who actually was female a long, long time ago.
• Meg White from The White Stripes
• Most female vegetarians, emos and retards.
• Sarah Palin

Discography

• (Pronounced Leh-nerd Skin-nerd) (The one with Free Bird)
• A Hot-Dog for Ronnie
• More Hot-Dogs
• Sweet Jesus Oklahoma
• The crap one