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For those without comedic tastes, the self-proclaimed experts at Wikipedia have an article about Weezer.

Weezer is an American rock/alternative band created in 1992 by lead singer Rivers Cuomo to boost morale of Underdogs, Rejects, Emos and other people that are way too awesome to be loved by the ruling douches in human society. The band consists of Rivers Cuomo (Lead vocals), Patrick Wilson (The Lil'Drummer Boi), Brian Bell (Guitar Playa, And not being very enthusiastic about anything) Scott Shriner (The very replaceable bass player), and Karl Koch (The band bitch).

The band quickly rose to fame with their release of the single "Buddy Holly", and as a result, their debut Blue Album is considered "Better than Justin Bieber" and has sold millions of copies. since then they have released ten full-length albums (only 3 of which people bothered to buy), about 20 EPs, and a couple thousand HD-DVDs (Because who doesn't like hearing the same 10 songs live... 100 times?).


What's this guy's name? Rivers? That's his name? This is our next Buddy Holly? That's got to be the work of Republicans.

God on Rivers Cuomo, the scariest nerd in the music business

Wheezer from the Our Gang series by Hal Roach. Only the scariest nerd in the music business would name his own band after this, without the "h"

Debut (1992-1996)[edit]

In the beginning, there was Rivers, who was a Cuomo. He and Patrick worked at Palermo's scrubbing pots and pans. Rivers heard the Pixies on the radio and said "I want to be a rock star." Rivers used his war bonds to buy a mic, And found a few other struggling Musicians in the local homeless shelter and Weezer was born. Weezer toured the countryside playing flutes and trombones before being discovered. The Quadoro, definitely without the aid of Jason Cropper, recorded their first slef title album "Weezer" (though called The Blue Album by their geek fans) in 1992.

The hit album spawned a hit song "Buddy Holly", which was written in homage to Rivers Cuomo's wiener that he nicknamed Buddy Holly:

" Band mate Matt Sharp was sitting at home reading a book, 'So You Think You're Bigger Than Your Own Band?: How To Be a Douche Then Quit Your Band', when he decided to visit Cuomo. As the two were friends, bandmates, and some may say secret lovers, Matt quite often walked straight into Rivers' home, but this afternoon Cuomo wasn't expecting a visit, thus was walking around naked, holding his dick singing OOO-WEE-OO I LOOK JUST LIKE BUDDY HOLLY! in the mirror. Thus the name Buddy Holly stuck"

Pinkerton (1996-1997)[edit]

Weezer took a much needed break, and with the band having internal conflict due to Japanese sluts hijacking the band, Cuomo was struck with depression, hate, angst, and the thought of writing "awesome muthafucking pop songs." As Cuomo contemplated buying a synthesizer, he was struck down by maggots eating his legs. With this discomfort, Rivers wrote a series of demos expressing the pain and angst of his life.

Upon hearing these demos, Jason Cropper had the idea of recording it and releasing it as Greenerton. He was, of course, entirely ignored by Rivers, because Jason was definitely still not in the band. Rivers soon got together with Mikey Welsh and Scott Shriner, and recorded Pinkerton. The album was released in the U.S. in 1997, Pinkerton was initially a huge success, selling over 3 million copies in the U.S. and 20 million copies in 1997 Japan. Brian was probably there too.

Tired, The Green Album, and Maladroit (1999-2005)[edit]

Rivers and Brian having a little, ummm... "fun" onstage.

On October 14, 1999, Rivers admitted to the press that "Yes, I am a little tired, and maybe it's time to sleep." He sold Weezer to Patrick Wilson and found a nice cave under a Los Angeles freeway, hoping to hibernate for the winter. Patrick worked hard, signed a contract with Jackson Records, and proceeded to produce an album, which he named The Green Album. It contained the songs "Hash Pipe" and "Island in the Sun." It sold tons of albums, and made Patrick Wilson officially "almost as rich as Bill Gates."

Rivers soon awoke from his deep sleep to find that his beloved band had been turned into something wealthier than an oil company (and his pants sticky with semen after numerous wet dreams about Japanese girls), making Rivers really think, "Why bother?" He summoned the elemental warrior Han' ana Rotoku swore vengeance on the traitors that were his bandmates, and re-established his band in the name of "Rock." Patrick hired a mercenary army of she-bitches to defend himself. The resulting battle was accidentally recorded on tape, and accidentally named Maladroit, and accidentally released on April 2, 2004. The enormous fans' response to the accidental album resulted in over half the population of Italy buying it within a day of its release, marking it the Most Popular Album in One Day in Italy (2004). Rivers and Patrick found themselves besieged by love letters from adoring (and possibly) female fans from around the world.

Brian didn't really do much here. He had another band or something. Nobody really knows.

Make - The Believable Truth of Lies (2005-2008)[edit]

After returning from his quest to free the Japanese from carnivore robots by the year 3000, Rivers set on writing a new album to fix Weezer's reputation. Unfortunately, during a battle with Wilson, he was stabbed in his penis, draining the frontman of sexual lust, thus killing his ability to make music (what's Weezer without girls, or . . . what looks and . . . feels like girls? . . .). As Cuomo spent his days contemplating the musical future of himself and his band, he turned to MTV and Disney Channel for inspiration. These hours of non-stop pop-sessions made Pat Wilson scared about his oil company-like musical career, so he called up Hugh Hefner, and asked him if he could run an intervention for Cuomo in the form of a Playboy Mansion party.

Rivers' Moment Of Truth: After two years, Weezer was finally on MTV - though, Rivers overdressed again

With the intervention going on, and with many poorly-dressed twenty- and thirty-somethings running around the Playboy Mansion, all was looking towards a true return to form for Weezer... until Rivers was given a guitar by an adoring fan, giving 'Varz (Rivers) a way of creating "TEHH ULTIMATE P0P SAWNG LOLZ." The guitar, the Playboy Mansion, and the fact Cuomo no longer had a penis, thus couldn't write songs about girls, meant Cuomo would write a song named "Beverly's Hills," an ode to a lady with small breasts that resembled hills. Weezer was on their way to a new album.

With Rivers writing songs, Pat being bald, Scott Shriner looking like a douche, Brian Bell stealing Cuomo's ex-groupies and Jason Cropper not being a part of the band, it was all looking promising for the new Weezer release - Rivers' songwriting, however, started getting odd, since he still had no penis, and no way to write songs about familiar things like girls. He then took influences from many abstract influences. Themes, or prominent features in some of these new songs, included the ode to literature (Perfect Personification), nursery rhymes (This Is Such An Incy-Wincy-Spider), he and his grandparents' love of LSD (We Are All On Drugs), shopping (The Damage On Your Shopping Cart), urarophilia (Pardon Me for Drinking Pee), and then some.

The album was released through Walmart, MTV, American Apparel, and McDonalds, in a move Rivers said was "something everyone is doing: Britney, Billy Ray Cyrus.. you know.. everyone! If The Beatles were bigger than God, we'll be bigger than motherfucking Buddha!"

The (C)Red Album (2008-2009)[edit]

Weezer's new drug mule profession saw members using disguises - douchebag, teacher, gay rancher and urban douchebag were common personas. Rivers in the cowboy hat is pwning Brandon Flowers of The Killers

After a failed attempt to overtake Buddhism, MTV and popular culture, the band held an internal meeting in a housing project in Detroit, Michigan. Discussed were various ways of turning Weezer from a failed religion/TV prostitutes to one of the greatest establishments of all time. Wilson came up with the idea of hiring Jared from Subway to "slim down" the band, although this idea was dismissed as "odd" by the group. The location of subsequent meetings (Detroit), meant the band had started to smoke/deal drugs, pop caps, and light up cracka's asses.

The band got obsessed with the American television series The Wire, which resulted in Shriner selling his array of musical instruments, his wardrobe of tight-fitting clothes, and his stash of prestigious Columbian cocaine to buy over fifty different Fubu, Wu-Tang and Eminem Collection tracksuits. Shriner also furthered his vocabulary by adding "fuck" "bitch" "raggity ass" "sup nig?" and "y'all" to his vocabulary.

With Jason Cropper still not a part of Weezer, the band had a new found sense of 'cred'; this would give the band the idea for the album title, while the album cover also paid homage to the band's drug-centered habits and lifestyle. Despite the drug and 'urban-life' center album name, artwork and song titles, the album sold poorly, with one Project Nigga saying "dis shyt's fuckin' wack yo' dem dere crazy white bhoys can't rape, can't shoot can't sell drugs, and now can't make a fuckin' albuhmm y'all'ear?" - a comment that would force the band to change their aesthetic once-a'-fucking-'gain.

Trampolines, Apparent Fatherhood and Raditude (2009-2010)[edit]

Karl the band bitch finally gets to be on a Weezer album... But not quite the way he hoped. The dog represents Karl.
  • Released an album called 'Raditude'
  • Had a jumping dog on the cover. (Most believe this dog pays tribute to Karl Koch the band bitch.)
  • Had songs called "I'm Your Daddy", "Can't Stop Partying" and "The Girl Got Hot" on it
  • Lil' Wayne was a collaborator
  • At live shows, Rivers jumped on a trampoline
  • At live shows, they were jumpsuits, Wuggies, and fluro vests
  • The album sold 2 copies. This article's introduction was lying just so you'd read on - one copy was given to Paris Hilton, so Karl Koch could get laid, and the other was sold to MTV to be used as a soundtrack to The Hills

Hurley, The dude from Lost gets his own Weezer album (Not a Joke) (2010-2010)[edit]

This is seriously the cover of the new Weezer album. I am not shitting you

Despite alienating many of their last remaining ten fans, Weezer set out to destroy their band image even more. This time, they would release another mindless pretty pop album nearly a few months after their former one. Rivers said the following about it: "Now that Weezer has become loved by less people then before, I think it's time to piss off our remaining ten fans with a totally random album I pulled out of my ass, after a night of eating pork and beans."

This New 2010 Album of Weezer is dubbed "Hurley." It is named after and features Hurley from the show Lost. (No I'm not shitting you! Look it up!) If this is confusing and random, that's because your not supposed to understand anything that even relates to Lost. River's says the following about the new cover: "I love big sweaty dudes. They are, like, so pretty!"

The album features a lot of odd songs ranging from: "Where’s My Sex?", "All My Friends Are Insects", "Queening Me", and "Throat Coat." Despite this wonderful but random material, none of the songs get radio airplay, except as a secondary track to digital playlists piped into Las Vegas casinos. Many believe this may either be because 1.) The songs may be too awesome since radio plays shit like Kanye West, or 2.) The songs just suck more dick then Elton John.

Many believe that the song names are gang nicknames of River's friends from prison. Rivers was arrested for aiming a shotgun atop a building into a nearby black neighborhood while wearing a Ku Klux Klan uniform. After Rivers was let out of jail, he admitted in an interview that he was not an official member of the KKK, and had just read an article about them as a teenager. His uniform (he told The Boston Globe newspaper) was knitted out of his bedsheets. He told the press he did not want to be a member of the KKK since his numerous applications were rejected.

When Rolling Stone reviewed "Hurley", it declared "Throat Coat" as "The Best Weezer Song Title Since 'Purple Testes (The Asphyxiation of Adam Ant)'".

Death To Logical Release Dates (2010 to 2012)[edit]

The Sex Change (2012-persent)[edit]

Using a Delorean, Cuomo and his band travelled to the future with Marty Mcfly. They did so by sneaking into the back when Doc wasn't looking, causing a series of cosmic paradoxes. Rivers found a book praising the band's latest album The Sex Change on September 11, 2012.

The Band Members (Former And Current)[edit]

Over its years in existence, Weezer has seen tremendous band loyalty with nearly all of it's (un)original members still together. Many believe this to be because of the members "Chill as F***" attitudes cited by Greenday's Drummer Tre Cool, "Dude they are just chill as F**k!

Weezer has gone through two bass players, But all other members have remained.

Brian "Taco" Bell[edit]

Weezers lead guitarist and backing vocals. He's cool and he knows it. He's known to say things like "what evv g.", "Idc" and "cool" quite a bit. But also at times doesn't seem to be very enthusiastic. "He's too cool at times" said Cuomo.

Rivers Cuomo[edit]

Rivers Cuomo (Cuomo ,Pronounced Cwo-Mohh) is Weezers lead singer, guitar player. He is know to write songs about anything.(From Blinking your eyes to having an enema) And either does it very well or in a pop overload sort of way. He loves his Half-Japanese women. And is overall pretty chill. Currently, his favorite activity is balding.

Matt Sharp[edit]

Weezers first bass player from 1992-1997. The only good bass player the band will ever have. After Sharpe left the band, Rivers decided it wasn't worth it to make good music anymore, so he wrote the green album.

Scott Shimmmerrrz[edit]

Weezers lead bassist and backing vocals. A former adult star shimmerrrz knows how to thrust out those cords. He also treats Weezer like a marriage. "I'm the only bass player who hasn't left yet" said shimmerzz. "I respect the band it's like a bitchy wife." (Not citing his actual wife, because shes cool)

He's also devastatin'.

Mikey Welsh Corgi[edit]

Was Weezers second bass player from 1998-2001, However soon after getting rich he began using drugs, The drugs caused him to have a nervous breakdown, Burring these breakdowns he would need to be breast fed and coddled by Megan Foxx. The band felt this would be too expensive (Because $1 an hour was a lot back then & Hookers where illegal (except in Nevada).) He decided to leave the band to save them the money. "I don't think the band should have to buy a hooker just for me, $1 and hour is steep!" said Corgi. In 2011, he began playing in Buddy Holly's band.

Jason Cropper[edit]

Original guitarist quit the band before they hit the big time! Now he spends his time crying himself to sleep and talking to pigeons in the park.

Patrick Wilson[edit]

Weezers Drummer, know for his calm surfer dude attitude loves hitting things with his sticks (Drums your Perv!)

Karl Koch[edit]

Weezer's Website Admin, Groupie, Band Bitch and lover of fine wines.


Rivers Cuomo at Staples Center in Los Angeles (2040)

Weezer (The Blues Album)

  • "My Name Is Boners"
  • "No One Else"
  • "Slash My Fucking Wrists, I'm Talking To A Picture in a Wallet"
  • "Fududdy Bolly" (Bollywood's Obvious Rip Off Of Buddy Holly)"
  • "Redone - The Plastic Surgery Song"
  • "Bikini Wax America"
  • "Hey It Ain't So!"
  • "In The Gauge (I Feel Sick)"
  • "Holiday" (Green Day tribute- from 10 years before Green Day even had a song called "Holiday")
  • "Only In Streams"


  • "Micheal And Carly"
  • "Soup-zanne"
  • "My Eva Iva Ovo Ava Line"
  • "JAM Me"
  • "Lullaby For Your Mom
  • "I Swear I'm Fucking Lying"


  • "Tired Of Sex (Unless You're Japanese! Whey-hey!)"
  • "Getchuuu Pregnant" (Ft. George Lopez)
  • "No Other Nun"
  • "Why Bother With Pussy? Give Me Anal!" (Ft. Elton John)
  • "Across The Rice Paddy"
  • "The Gay Life (in Elton John)"
  • "(My Ass Is) El Torcho (And Too Much Anal With Elton John)"
  • "Yellow Star"
  • "Falling In Poo"
  • "(I Get) Butterflies In My Stomach When I Talk To Girls (I'm A Virgin Reprise) "

Bonus Tracks

  • "You Gave Your Love, Do Me Hardly"
  • "Abortion"
  • "Waiting On My Japenese Girl"
  • "I Just Threw Out The Love Out My Band (circa 2009)"
  • "I Swear, It's You (Not Me)"
  • "Blue and Pinkerton vs. All The Other Albums"
  • You Won't Get With Me Unless You're Japanese"
  • "Across The Rice Paddy With Noodles"
  • "Hard Luck, Sunshine"
  • "Getting Up And Pee-ing"
  • "Tragic Face, Girl"

The Green Album

  • "Don't Let Go (I Won't Have A Penis By The Fifth Album)"
  • "Photograph Of Your Mom"
  • "Hash Pipe"
  • "Island In The Pun"
  • "(I Gots) Crabs"
  • "Knocked Out By A Dragon"
  • "Smiley, Smiley, Carol Smilie"
  • "Simple Plag-ies"
  • "Glorious Shit"
  • "O Girlfriend, Where Art Thou?"
  • "I Don't, WEAY!!" - Bonus Track


  • "Pat vs. Rivers - Battle 1 - Super Nintendo"
  • "Pat vs. Rivers - Battle 2 - Doing Dope (Nose)"
  • "Pat vs. Rivers - Battle 3 - (Keep) Fishin'"
  • "Pat vs. Rivers - Battle 4 - Pimping Japanese Girls"
  • "Pat vs. Rivers - Battle 5 - Pokemon"
  • "Some Other Random Noise (instrumental)"
  • "Island In The Pun (Live)" - Japanese bonus track

Make - The Believable Truth of Lies

  • "Super Pop Song Number 1! - Beverly's Hills"
  • "Super Pop Song Number 2! - Perfect Situation To Kick Your Ass"
  • "Super Pop Song Number 3! - This Is Such An Incy Outbreak"
  • "Super Pop Song Number 4! - Hold (in my) Pee (I can't miss a second of MTV)"
  • "Super Pop Song Number 5! - Penis (I need to find some Penis!)"
  • "Super Pop Song Number 6! - We Are All On Drugs"
  • "Super Pop Song Number 7! - The Damage On Your Shopping Cart"
  • "Super Pop Song Number 8! - Pardon Me For Fucking Your Dog"
  • "Super Pop Song Number 9! - My Best Trend (What Paris does, I Do!)"
  • "Super Pop Song Number 10! - The Other Way! (Rivers Has Gone Gay-Gay)"
  • "Super Pop Song Number 11! - Eeeew.. You Lyk, Freak Me Out"
  • "Super Pop Song Number 12! - Wooo-ooo I'm Haunting You!"

The [C]red Album

  • "Puddlemaker (I Piss On Chumps)"
  • "The Greatest Drug Dealer Who Ever Lived Constantly on a Cocaine High"
  • "Crack And Weed"
  • "Rippin' Out This Cracka's Heart And Ass Yo!"
  • "Everybody Get Dangerous, Try This Methamphetamine Bitch!"
  • "Dreamin' in mah Meth High"
  • "Bought A Few (Ounces)"
  • "That Nigg Has Some Lovely Cold.. Dark.. Lucious... Tight.. Cute.. Corn-Row's..."
  • "Semi-Automatic Dildo"
  • "Da NGL N Da 1"
  • "Purple Testes (The Asphyxiation of Adam Ant)"
  • "I Miss Todd Sweeney"
  • "U R A PIG (Ft. Susan Boyle)"
  • "The Incy Wincy Spider"
  • "(I Wish I Could Be A) Kink (Ft. Ray Davies from The Kinks)"

Fagitude (Raditude)

  • "If Your Wondering If I Wanna Fuck You (I Wanna Fuck You) (Ft. That douche dude who hit Rhianna)"
  • "Im Yo Daddy Bitch (This Aint Right!)"
  • "The Girl Got AIDS (Ft. Miley Cyrus)"
  • "I Cant Stop Being A FAG (Ft. Justin Bi-ber)"
  • "Put My Vagina Back Together (That Nigga Wrecked It!)"
  • "Trippin Down A Bi Way"
  • "Some Random Shitty Noise (Love Is The Answer To Premature Death)"
  • "Let Them All Hang Out (Your Hemeriods) (featuring Elton John)"
  • "Lets Like Go Shoppingg In Daa Mall Boyyyys! (Ft. Perez Hilton)"
  • "I Don't Want to Let You Go... (No You Can't Go Or I'll Shot Your Punkass!)"
  • "Run Over By A Cunt" (w/Matt Sharp)
  • "Get Me Some Fried Chicken!"
  • "The Prettiest Pale Ch*nk In The Whole Wide World"
  • "The White Cracka Under Doggies With Pimples"

Hurley (Literally named after the fat dude Lost)

  • "Memories Of When We Didn't Write Shitty Songs (Pinkerton)"
  • "Ruling-Me (The Dominatrix Song)"
  • "TrampRecks (Ft. Miley Cyrus & Ladyboy Gaga)"
  • "Unspoken (In The Closet With Tom Cruise)"
  • "Where’s My Sex? (Ft.Tiger Woods)"
  • "Run Away (A Britney Spears Cover)"
  • "Hang On To Your Penis (I Lost Mine ~Rivers)"
  • "Smart Girls Are Likkke Really Smart Mkayy?"
  • "Throat Coat" (Ft. the Other Guy from WHAM!)
  • "A Fucked Up World (Aladdin Reprise About Stupid Terrorist Fucks)"
  • "Time To Unzip Our Flies (The Elton John Orgy Song)"
  • "All My Friends Are DipShits"
  • "Viva La Viagra (ColdPlay/ColdGay Cover)"
  • "I Want To Be Something... Too Bad I Write Shitty Songs Now"
  • "Represent Shitty Mindless Pop"

Death To Logical Release Dates (NOT the 9th studio album, it's a compo album, look it up, Wikipedia is lying to you!)

  • "Turning Down The Radio (Cos No-One's Listening To Weezer Anymore)
  • "I Don't Want Your Lovin' (Unless You're Japanese, Whey-hey!)
  • "Doin' Blow In Ma Love Shack"
  • "Losing My Edge Since Pinkerton"
  • "Everyone at Geffen Records Fucking Sucks"
  • "I'm A Generic Robot Livin' It Up In Today's Music Industry"
  • "Tramp O'er The Line"
  • "The Even Couple"
  • "Auto-Poirot (Ft. Agatha Bitchie)"
  • "Un-bust My Balls, Bitch!"


  • "yELoo CamArOo"
  • "Outta Your Mom"
  • "Michael and Carly"

External links[edit]