Weezer

Weezer is an American rock/alternative band created in 1992 by lead singer Rivers Cuomo to boost morale of Underdogs, Rejects, Emos and other people that are way too awesome to be loved by the ruling douches in human society. The band consists of Rivers Cuomo (Lead vocals), Patrick Wilson (The Lil'Drummer Boi), Brian Bell (Guitar Playa, And not being very enthusiastic about anything) Scott Shriner (The very replaceable bass player), and Karl Koch (The band bitch).

The band quickly rose to fame with their release of the single "Buddy Holly", and as a result, their debut Blue Album is considered "Better than Justin Bieber" and has sold millions of copies. since then they have released 13 full-length albums (only 3 of which people bothered to buy), about 20 EPs, and a couple thousand HD-DVDs (Because who doesn't like hearing the same 10 songs live... 100 times?).

History

“What's this guy's name? Rivers? That's his name? This is our next Buddy Holly? That's got to be the work of Republicans.”

~ God on Rivers Cuomo, the scariest nerd in the music business

Wheezer from the Our Gang series by Hal Roach. Only the scariest nerd in the music business would name his own band after this, without the "h".

Debut (1-2069)

In the beginning, there was Rivers, and only Rivers. He and Patrick worked at Long John Silver's flaying multiple people alive. Rivers heard the Imagine Dragons on the radio and said "I want to be a rapper" Rivers sold his couch to buy a horrible shitty low quality mic even worse than 2006 YouTube Mics, And found a few other struggling "Musicians" in the local homeless shelter and Nirvana was born. Nirvana toured the countryside playing flutes and trombones before being discovered. then they became big, then Kurt (real name Rivers) faked his death because Nirvana had gotten too big and he wanted to be a loser again, also he didn't want to pay Courtney Love child support, so he faked his death, made it look like she did it and went off trying to reclaim his success now as Rivers. Then he got a job at The Quadoro, definitely without the help of Jason Cropper, he sexxed up one of the execs and they let him record their first album "Weezer" (though called The Blue Album by their great fans) in 1967.

The hit album spawned a hit song "Small Huddy Bolly", which was written in homage to Rivers Cuomo's wiener that he nicknamed Big Huddy Bolly:

" Band mate Matt Sharp was sitting at home reading a book, 'So You Think You're Bigger Than Your Own Band?: How To Be a Douche Then Quit Your Band', when he decided to visit Cuomo. As the two were friends, bandmates, and lovers, Matt quite often walked straight into Rivers' home holding his dick in his hand ready for some "action", but this afternoon Cuomo wasn't expecting a visit, thus was walking around naked, holding his dick singing "Cum as you are!" in the mirror. Matt said "Babe, you look just like Huddy Bolly Thus the name Huddy Bolly stuck."

Pinkerton (1996-1997)

Weezer took a much needed break, and with the band having internal conflict due to Japanese sluts hijacking the band, Cuomo was struck with depression, hate, angst, and the thought of writing "awesome muthafucking rap and hip hop songs." As Cuomo contemplated getting a gender reassignment surgery, he was struck down by maggots eating his legs. With this discomfort, Rivers wrote a series of demos expressing the "pain and angst" of his life.

Upon hearing these demos, Jason Cropper had the idea of recording it and releasing it as Greenerton. He was, of course, entirely ignored by Rivers, because Jason was definitely still not in the band. Rivers soon got together with Mikey Welsh and Scott Shriner, and recorded Pinkerton. The album was released in the U.S. in 1997, Pinkerton was initially a huge success, selling over 3 million copies in the U.S. and 20 million copies in 1997 Japan.

Brian was probably there too.

Tired, The Green Album, and Maladroit (1999-2005)

Rivers and Brian having a little, ummm... "fun" onstage.

On October 14, 1999, Rivers admitted to the press that "Yes, I am a little tired, and maybe it's time to sleep." He sold Weezer to Patrick Wilson and found a nice cave under a Los Angeles freeway, hoping to hibernate for the winter. Patrick worked hard, signed a contract with Jackson Records, and proceeded to produce an album, which he named The Green Album. It contained the songs "Hash Pipe" and "Island in the Sun." It sold tons of albums, and made Patrick Wilson officially "almost as rich as Bill Gates."

Rivers soon awoke from his deep sleep to find that his beloved band had been turned into something wealthier than an oil company (and his pants sticky with semen after numerous wet dreams about Japanese girls), making Rivers really think, "Why bother?" He summoned the elemental warrior Han' ana Rotoku swore vengeance on the traitors that were his bandmates, and re-established his band in the name of "Rock." Patrick hired a mercenary army of she-bitches to defend himself. The resulting battle was accidentally recorded on tape, and accidentally named Maladroit, and accidentally released on April 2, 2004. The enormous fans' response to the accidental album resulted in over half the population of Italy buying it within a day of its release, marking it the Most Popular Album in One Day in Italy (2004). Rivers and Patrick found themselves besieged by love letters from adoring (and possibly) female fans from around the world.

Brian didn't really do much here. He had another band or something. Nobody really knows.

Also Maladroit was just kinda ass, it sucked, Make Believe is like 10 times better.

Make - The Believable Truth of Lies (2005-2008)

After returning from his quest to free the Japanese from carnivore robots by the year 3000, Rivers first got that gender reassignment surgery, then set on writing a new album to fix Weezer's reputation. Unfortunately, after the surgery the frontman had been drained of sexual lust, thus killing his ability to make music (what's Weezer without girls, or . . . what looks and . . . feels like girls? . . .). As Cuomo spent his days contemplating the musical future of himself and his band, he turned to MTV and Disney Channel for inspiration. These hours of non-stop pop-sessions made Pat Wilson scared about his oil company-like musical career, so he called up Hugh Hefner, and asked him if he could run an intervention for Cuomo in the form of a Playboy Mansion party.

Rivers' Moment Of Truth: After two years, Weezer was finally on MTV - though, Rivers overdressed again

With the intervention going on, and with many poorly-dressed twenty- and thirty-somethings running around the Playboy Mansion, all was looking towards a true return to form for Weezer... until Rivers was given a guitar by an adoring fan, giving 'Varz (Rivers) a way of creating The best album on The guitar, the Playboy Mansion, and the fact Cuomo no longer had a penis and and was now a woman, thus couldn't write songs about girls and instead men, meant Cuomo would write a song named "Beverly's Hills," an ode to a man named Beverly with breasts that resembled hills. Weezer was on their way to a new album.

With Rivers writing songs, Pat being bald, Scott Shriner looking like a douche, Brian Bell stealing Cuomo's ex-groupies and Jason Cropper still definitely not being a part of the band, it was all looking promising for the new Weezer release - Rivers' songwriting, however, started getting odd, since he still had no penis, and no way to write songs about familiar things like girls. He then took influences from many abstract influences. Themes, or prominent features in some of these new songs, included the ode to literature (Perfect Personification), nursery rhymes (This Is Such An Incy-Wincy-Spider), he and his grandparents' love of LSD (We Are All On Drugs), shopping (The Damage On Your Shopping Cart), urarophilia (Pardon Me for Drinking Pee), and then some.

The album was released through Walmart, MTV, American Apparel, and McDonalds, in a move Rivers said was "something everyone is doing: Britney, Billy Ray Cyrus.. you know.. everyone! If The Beatles were bigger than God, we'll be bigger than motherfucking Buddha!"

The (C)Red Album (2008-2009)

Weezer's new drug mule profession saw members using disguises - douchebag, teacher, gay rancher and urban douchebag were common personas. Rivers in the cowboy hat is pwning Brandon Flowers of The Killers.

After a successful attempt overtaking Buddhism, MTV and popular culture, the band held an internal meeting in a housing project in Detroit, Michigan. Discussed were various ways of turning Weezer from religion/TV prostitutes to one of the greatest establishments of all time. Wilson came up with the idea of hiring Jared from Subway to "slim down" the band, although this idea was dismissed as "odd" by the group. The location of subsequent meetings (Detroit), meant the band had started to smoke/deal drugs, pop caps, and light up cracka's asses.

The band got obsessed with the American television series The Wire, which resulted in Shriner selling his array of musical instruments, his wardrobe of tight-fitting clothes, and his stash of prestigious Columbian cocaine to buy over fifty different Fubu, Wu-Tang and Eminem Collection tracksuits. Shriner also furthered his vocabulary by adding "fuck" "bitch" "raggity ass" "sup nig?" and "y'all" to his vocabulary.

With Jason Cropper still not a part of Weezer, the band had a new found sense of 'cred'; this would give the band the idea for the album title, while the album cover also paid homage to the band's drug-centered habits and lifestyle. Despite the drug and 'urban-life' center album name, artwork and song titles, the album sold poorly, with one Project Nigga saying "dis shyt's fuckin' wack yo' dem dere crazy white bhoys can't rape, can't shoot can't sell drugs, and now can't make a fuckin' albuhmm y'all'ear?" - a comment that would force the band to change their aesthetic once-a'-fucking-'gain.

Trampolines, Apparent Fatherhood and Raditude (Not just in 08-09-010-011)

Karl the band bitch finally gets to be on a Weezer album... But not quite the way he hoped. The dog represents Karl.

• Released an album called 'Raditude'
• Had a jumping dog on the cover. (Most believe this dog pays tribute to Karl Koch the band bitch.)
• Had songs called "I'm Your Daddy", "Can't Stop Partying" and "The Girl Got Hot" on it, he finally got his penis back and could write about women again
• Lil' Wayne was not a collaborator
• At live shows, Rivers jumped on a trampoline, but on his last show with the tramp, broke his legs, sternum and cock and bollocks
• At live shows, they wore jumpsuits, Wuggies, and fluro vests
• The album sold -2 copies. This article's introduction was lying just so you'd read on - one copy was given to Paris Hilton, so Karl Koch could get laid, and the other was sold to MTV to be used as a soundtrack to The Hills

Hurley, The dude from Lost gets his own Weezer album (Not a Joke) (2010-2010)

This is seriously the cover of the new Weezer album. I am not shitting you.

Despite alienating many of their last remaining ten fans, Weezer set out to destroy their band image even more. This time, they would release another mindless pretty pop album nearly a few months after their former one. Rivers said the following about it: "Now that Weezer has become loved by less people then before, I think it's time to piss off our remaining ten fans with a totally random album I pulled out of my ass, after a night of eating pork and beans."

This New 2010 Album of Weezer is dubbed "Hurley." It is named after and features Hurley from the show Lost. (No I'm not shitting you! Look it up!) If this is confusing and random, that's because your not supposed to understand anything that even relates to Lost. River's says the following about the new cover: "I love big sweaty dudes. They are, like, so pretty!"

The album features a lot of odd songs ranging from: "Where’s My Sex?", "All My Friends Are Insects", "Queeffing Me", and "Throat Goat." Despite this wonderful but random material, none of the songs get radio airplay, except as a secondary track to digital playlists piped into Las Vegas casinos. Many believe this may either be because 1.) The songs may be too awesome since radio plays shit like Kanye West, or 2.) The songs just suck more dick then Elton John.

Many believe that the song names are gang nicknames of River's friends from prison. Rivers was arrested for aiming a shotgun atop a building into a nearby black neighborhood while wearing a Ku Klux Klan uniform. After Rivers was let out of jail, he admitted in an interview that he was not an official member of the KKK, and had just read an article about them as a teenager. His uniform (he told The Boston Globe newspaper) was knitted out of his bedsheets. He told the press he did not want to be a member of the KKK since his numerous applications were rejected.

When Rolling Stone reviewed "Hurley", it declared "Throat Goat" as "The Worst Song Title just like...in general".

The Sex Change (2012-persent)

Using a Delorean, Cuomo and his band travelled to the future with Marty Mcfly. They did so by sneaking into the back when Doc wasn't looking, causing a series of cosmic paradoxes. Rivers found a book praising the band's latest album The Sex Change on September 11, 2012.

The Band Members (Former And Current)

Over its years in existence, Weezer has seen tremendous band loyalty with nearly all of it's (un)original members still together. Many believe this to be because of the members "Chill as F***" attitudes cited by Greenday's Drummer Tre Cool, "Dude they are just chill as F**k!

Weezer has gone through two bass players, But all other members have remained.

Brian "Taco" Bell

Weezers lead guitarist and backing vocals. He's cool and he knows it. He's known to say things like "what evv g.", "Idc" and "cool" quite a bit. But also at times doesn't seem to be very enthusiastic. "He's too cool at times" said Cuomo.

Rivers Cuomo

Rivers Cuomo (Cuomo ,Pronounced Cwo-Mohh) is Weezers lead singer, guitar player. He is know to write songs about anything.(From Blinking your eyes to having an enema) And either does it very well or in a pop overload sort of way. He loves his Half-Japanese women. And is overall pretty chill. Currently, his favorite activity is balding.

Matt Sharp

Weezers first bass player, he kinda sucks

Scott Shimmmerrrz

Weezers lead bassist and backing vocals. A former adult star shimmerrrz knows how to thrust out those cords. He also treats Weezer like a marriage. "I'm the only bass player who hasn't left yet" said scatt. "I respect the band it's like a bitchy wife." (Not citing his actual wife, because she's cool.)

He's also devastatin'.

Mikey Welsh Corgi

He died because he underpaid a hooker and she got her goons to "get rid of" him.

Jason Cropper

Definitely not apart of Weezer and definitely isn't the real 5th member that the shithead Karl Cock has been pretending to be this whole time.

Patrick Wilson

Weezers Drummer, know for his calm surfer dude attitude loves hitting things with his sticks. (Drums your Perv!)

Karl Koch

cock? coke? kick? prick? whatever, Band Bitch and lover of fine bitties.

Discography

Rivers Cuomo at Staples Center in Los Angeles (2040).

Weezer (The Blues Album)

• "My Name Is Bonas"
• "No Two Else"
• "Slash My Fucking Wrists, I'm Talking To A Picture in a Wallet"
• "Fududdy Bolly" (Bollywood's Obvious Rip Off Of Buddy Holly)"
• "Redone - The Plastic Surgery Song"
• "Bikini Wax America"
• "Hey It Ain't So!"
• "In The Gauge (I Feel Sick)"
• "Holiday" (Green Day tribute- from 10 years before Green Day even had a song called "Holiday")
• "Only In Streams" the piss sng

BONUS TRACKS

• "Mickel And Carly"
• Soup-zanne"
• "My Eva Iva Ovo Ava Line"
• "JAM Me"
• "Lullaby For Your Mom
• "I Swear I'm Fucking Lying"

Pinkerton

• "Where's my Sex part one (Unless You're Japanese! ya get it no)"
• "Getchuuu Pregnant" (Ft. George Lopez)
• "No Other Nun"
• "Why Bother With Pussy? Give Me Anal!" (Ft. Elton John)
• "Across The Rice Paddy"
• "The Gay Life (in Elton John)"
• "(My Ass Is) El Torcho (And Too Much Anal With Elton John)"
• "Yellow Star"
• "Falling In Poo"
• "(I Get) Butterflies In My Stomach When I Talk To Girls (I'm A Virgin Reprise) "

Bonus Tracks

• "You Gave Your Love, Do Me Hardly"
• "Abortion"
• "Waiting On My Japenese Girl"
• "I Just Threw Out The Love Out My Band (circa 2009)"
• "I Swear, It's You (Not Me)"
• "Blue and Pinkerton vs. All The Other Albums"
• You Won't Get With Me Unless You're Japanese"
• "Across The Rice Paddy With Noodles"
• "Hard Luck, Sunshine"
• "Getting Up And Pee-ing"
• "Tragic Face, Girl"

The Green Album

• "Let Go (I Won't Have A Penis By The Fifth Album anyway)"
• "Photograph Of Your Mom in an embarrasing christmas sweater"
• "Hash Pump"
• "Island In The dump"
• "(I Gots) Crabs in my booty"
• "Knocked Out By A Dragon"
• "Smiley, Smiley, Carol Smilie"
• "Simple Plag-ies"
• "Glorious Shit"
• "O Girlfriend, Where Art Thou?"
• "I Don't, WEAY!!" - Bonus Track

Maladroit

• "Pat vs. Rivers - Battle 1 - Super Nintendo"
• "Pat vs. Rivers - Battle 2 - Doing Dope (Nose)"
• "Pat vs. Rivers - Battle 3 - (Keep) Fishin'"
• "Pat vs. Rivers - Battle 4 - Pimping Japanese Girls"
• "Pat vs. Rivers - Battle 5 - Pokemon"
• "Some Other Random Noise (instrumental)"
• "Island In The Pun (Live)" - Japanese bonus track

Make - The Believable Truth of Lies

• - Beverly's Hills"
• - Perfect Situation To Kick Your Ass"
• - This Is Such Pity, I have a hives Outbreak"
• Hold me Pee (I can't miss a second of MTV)"
• Peaceful penis (I need to find some Penis!)"
• - We Are All On Drugs"
• - The Damage fart SHIT I MEANT HEART, WAIT DON'T MAKE THAT THE ACTUAL SONG TITLE SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII-"
• - Pardon Me For Fucking Your Dog"
• - My Best Friend's new cool Trend (What Paris does, I Do!)"
• - The Other Way! (Rivers Has Gone Gay-Gay)"
• - Eeeew.. You Lyk, Freak Me Out"
• - Wooo-ooo I'm Haunting You!"

The [C]red Album

• "Puddlemaker (I Piss On Chumps)"
• "The Greatest Drug Dealer Who Ever Lived Constantly on a Cocaine High"
• "Crack And Weed"
• "Rippin' Out This Cracka's Heart And Ass Yo!"
• "Everybody Get Dangerous, Try This Methamphetamine Bitch!"
• "Dreamin' in mah Meth High"
• "Bought A Few (Ounces)"
• "That Nigg Has Some Lovely Cold.. Dark.. Lucious... Tight.. Cute.. Corn-Row's..."
• "Semi-Automatic Dildo"
• "Da NGL N Da 1"
• "Purple Testes (The Asphyxiation of Adam Ant)"
• "I Miss Todd Sweeney"
• "U R A PIG (Ft. Susan Boyle)"
• "The Incy Wincy Spider"
• "(I Wish I Could Be A) Kink (Ft. Ray Davies from The Kinks)"

Fagitude (Raditude)

• "If Your Wondering If I Wanna Fuck You (I Wanna Fuck You) (Ft. That douche dude who hit Rhianna)"
• "Im Yo Daddy Bitch (This Aint Right!)"
• "The Girl Got AIDS (Ft. Miley Cyrus)"
• "I Cant Stop Being A FAG (Ft. Justin Bi-ber)"
• "Put My Vagina Back Together (That Nigga Wrecked It!)"
• "Trippin Down A Bi Way"
• "Some Random Shitty Noise (Love Is The Answer To Premature Death)"
• "Let Them All Hang Out (Your Hemeriods) (featuring Elton John)"
• "Lets Like Go Shoppingg In Daa Mall Boyyyys! (Ft. Perez Hilton)"
• "I Don't Want to Let You Go... (No You Can't Go Or I'll Shot Your Punkass!)"
• "Run Over By A Cunt" (w/Matt Sharp)
• "Get Me Some Fried Chicken!"
• "The Prettiest Pale Ch*nk In The Whole Wide World"
• "The White Cracka Under Doggies With Pimples"

Hurley (Literally named after the fat dude Lost)

• "Memories Of When We Didn't Write Shitty Songs (Pinkerton)"
• "Ruling-Me (The Dominatrix Song)"
• "TrampRecks (Ft. Miley Cyrus & Ladyboy Gaga)"
• "Unspoken (In The Closet With Tom Cruise)"
• "Where’s My Sex? (Ft.Tiger Woods)"
• "Run Away (A Britney Spears Cover)"
• "Hang On To Your Penis (I Lost Mine ~Rivers)"
• "Smart Girls Are Likkke Really Smart Mkayy?"
• "Throat Coat" (Ft. the Other Guy from WHAM!)
• "A Fucked Up World (Aladdin Reprise About Stupid Terrorist Fucks)"
• "Time To Unzip Our Flies (The Elton John Orgy Song)"
• "All My Friends Are DipShits"
• "Viva La Viagra (ColdPlay/ColdGay Cover)"
• "I Want To Be Something... Too Bad I Write Shitty Songs Now"
• "Represent Shitty Mindless Pop"

Death To Logical Release Dates (NOT the 9th studio album, it's a compo album, look it up, Wikipedia is lying to you!)

• "Turning Down The Radio (Cos No-One's Listening To Weezer Anymore)
• "I Don't Want Your Lovin' (Unless You're Japanese, Whey-hey!)
• "Doin' Blow In Ma Love Shack"
• "Losing My Edge Since Pinkerton"
• "Everyone at Geffen Records Fucking Sucks"
• "I'm A Generic Robot Livin' It Up In Today's Music Industry"
• "Tramp O'er The Line"
• "The Even Couple"
• "Auto-Poirot (Ft. Agatha Bitchie)"
• "Un-bust My Balls, Bitch!"

BONUS TRACKS

• "yELoo CamArOo
• "Outta Your Mom
• "Mickel and carl.......but like....again...

External links

• Official Weezer Web Site

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