UnNews:Rivers Cuomo loses his sex, again

This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation.

9 February 2022

Maybe if he stops humping things, he'll stop losing it.

LOS ANGELES, California -- After a hard day's night of mixing songs, Rivers Cuomo of the rock band Weezer awoke this morning and was unable to find his sex. This will hinder his morning routine, and may even delay any important coding updates to Weezify that will allow the streaming platform to operate properly.

This is the third time the singer has lost his sex, the previous occurrences being in 2010 when the band released their eighth studio album Hurley and 2006 when he lost his virginity on his wedding night. "I woke up," Cuomo stated to UnNews "and it just wasn't there!". The timing of this dilemma cannot come at a worser time, as the band are currently in the middle of organising not one, not two, not three, but four albums this year for their concept album SZNS. Weezer fans are speculating if Cuomo has confused the words 'sex' and 'socks' as when the singer went for his morning walk, he was not wearing any socks in pictures his neighbours took and uploaded to social media. This is riffing on the fan theory that in the song "Where's My Sex?", 'sex' is actually referring to socks. Rivers has already searched his drawer, his feet, his shoes, the floor, under a bench, the closet, and even the washing machine — all of which without any luck finding his sex.

In another interview, Cuomo was visibly upset when he went on a tangent about how his mother had hand-knitted his sex and how he would use Bounce to eliminate static cling — furthering cementing the idea to the conspiracy that the blue nerd has in fact confused his words. "Now I'm gonna be walking around, and people will think I'm an alien," he said, "just cruising in to make a friend". Whether or not Rivers will recover his sex by the end of the day will remain a mystery, but fans will not be surprised if he loses it again at a later date. "I just don't know how he keeps losing it," bandmate Brian Bell stated on his friend losing his sex, "you'd think by now he'd always keep it on him wherever he goes. But again, he's not that smart despite attending Harvard".