Rivers Cuomo
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“ I wrote a letter to Cuomo in the mid 90s, simply your standard run of the mill fan letter, because I heard the band on the alt rock station and I was interested in their work and private life. I had no further intentions. But this creep apparently receives my letter and uses it to get off while imagining all sorts of vile things about me. And I'm 16 at the time, about to be a senior. He then shares with the entire world about his perverted fantasies on Weezer's second album "Pinkerton". I have no issues with Patrick, Brian, or Scott but Rivers disgusts me to my core. I have disavowed my fandom for Weezer since 1996 and until Rivers is kicked from the band, I will be anti-Weezer for the rest of my life. ”
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| Location | The Black Hole | ||||
| Years active | 1992 - Present | ||||
| Known Aliases | - Kurt Cobain - The nerd from that one 90's band - Lakey Boi -Diego | ||||
| Albums |
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Rivers Cuomo is an American rapper of Mexican descent from Redlands, California. His stage name is derived from the name of the prescription drug Xanax.
Early life[edit | edit source]
Cuomo was born on September 6, 1970 in Redlands, California. Growing up, Cuomo was poor and lived in motels most of his childhood. He attended Redlands East Valley High School but dropped out of high school in his freshman year and spent several years at home unemployed. Cuomo took a job as a street cleaner and sold drugs before he began rapping. Cuomo later pursued a photography career in support of several friends who were rappers. He eventually had his camera stolen, and chose to begin rapping in lieu of investing in a new camera. Cuomo was formerly addicted to Xanax but he was able to quit the drug after two years of addiction. Cuomo began to gain recognition through platforms such as SoundCloud and YouTube. In 2018, Cuomo announced that he would change his stage name to "Diego" in order to support his anti-drug message, though he later said in an interview he was not sure if he would change his name. Cuomo' music started off as "typical trap" and later shifted towards "a murkier, dream-like sound". The New Yorker has described Cuomo as part of a "sad rap" movement. Cuomo made headlines in 2018 when he rated the late rapper Tupac Shakur only a "2 out of 9" and called his music boring. After the incident fellow rapper Waka Flocka Flame claimed on Twitter that Cuomo is "banned from hip hop".
Before Weezer[edit | edit source]
Before forming the rock band Weezer, Rivers Cuomo was in fact another famous musician from the band Nirvana by the name of Kurt Cobain. On April 5th, 1994, Kurt faked his death and became Rivers Cuomo. I mean think about it, have you ever seen Kurt Cobain and Rivers Cuomo in the same room together? Also, if you look at the crime scene photos of his reported 'suicide', there's no blood. Like, how can someone who just shot themselves not have blood in the room? After his 3 successful albums and "suicide" Kurt, now going by the name Rivers so he can start fresh, proving he didn't need Dave Grohl or Krist Noveselic novaselliccorish, something like the that and made them look like cucks forming the band Weezer with Brian Bell, Matt Sharp and Patrick Wilson. 35 days later, on 10th of May 1994, Weezer realeases their first album, which is now known as the Weezer among fans and "The Blue Album" by absolute fucking nerds.
Harvard[edit | edit source]
After the release of 1996's Pinkerton, Rivers left the band in order to attend Harvard. What a nerd. I mean he's a fucking rockstar, why does he need to go to school?
Anyway, for the next five years, Cuomo tried to get his degree in computer coding. He was unable to do so after the soical media website he created so that his fans could interact with him and purchase his solo material on was just absolute dog shit. Rivers was kicked out of Harvard because of that, so he got the boys back together, minus Matt Sharp because he's a fucking loser and Rivers doesn't hang out with fucking losers, and in Sharps' place was Mikey Welsh to record the third Weezer album, Weezer. But instead of being blue this time, it was green.
Bullied by a 14 year old girl on Twitter[edit | edit source]
In December 2017, a fourteen year old Weezer fan from Ohio (cause of course it's Ohio) tweeted many, many tweets to Cuomo and the band asking them to cover the Toto song 'Africa'. After much hesitation, Rivers declined at first but after the constant harrassment from this teenage girl and other Twitter users getting behind her cause, Rivers eventually agreed to cover the song on one condition; that nobody ever bring up the 'balloon story' ever again. The people agreed to this and so, Weezer covered the song which hit number 1 on pretty much every music list. Rivers has stated many times that he hates the song and only covered it so people would leave him alone.
The 6ix9ine Trial[edit | edit source]
In 2018 during the Tekashi 6ix9ine trial, Rivers was exposed and outed as another gang member and also a groomer from the former rapper 6ix9ine along with Ringo Starr, Dave Grohl and Taylor Swift
Funko Pop! Vinyl[edit | edit source]
On May 24th, 2020, Rivers was turned into a Funko Pop figurine. A few months later, George Lucas wanted to make a special, special, special edition of Star Wars: A New Hope but the Mouse said "no". So instead Lucas made a special edition re-release of Weezer's Blue Album featuring Rivers Cuomo in his new plastic form.
Now and the Future[edit | edit source]
With Rivers now in his early 50s, the musician has said that he will quit performing at age 783. Which fans are happy about, due to the fact that we don't him to stop partying, this was his statement on his partying habits:
I can't stop partying, partying
I can't stop partying, partying
I gotta have Patrón, I gotta have the beat
I gotta have a lot of pretty girls around me
Oh, I can't stop partying, partying
I can't stop partying, partying
I gotta have the cars, I gotta have the jewels
And if you was me, honey, you would do it too
Monday to Sunday, I hit all the clubs
And now everybody know me when I pull up
I got the real big posse with me, yeah, I'm deep
And if you looking for me, I'm in VIP
Just follow the smoke, they're bringing bottles of the goose
And all the girls in the corner getting loose
Screw rehab, I love my addiction
No sleep, no sleep, I am always on a mission
'Cause I can't stop partying, partying
I can't stop partying, partying
I gotta have Patrón, I gotta have the beat
I gotta have a lot of pretty girls around me
Oh, I can't stop partying, partying
I can't stop partying, partying
I gotta have the cars, I gotta have the jewels
And if you was me, honey, you would do it too
Uh, party like tomorrow is my funeral
Gotta stop mixing alcohol with pharmaceuticals
And the unusual is the fucking usual
Man, my life is beautiful, and my girls are mutual
Okay bitches, it's Weezer and it's Weezy
Upside-down MTV
Please don't shoot me down because I'm an endangered species
It's the days of our lives with my night just started
I pray the killer doesn't take the life of the party
I can't stop partying, partying
I can't stop partying, partying
I gotta have Patrón, I gotta have the beat
I gotta have a lot of pretty girls around me
Oh, I can't stop partying, partying
I can't stop partying, partying
I gotta have the cars, I gotta have the jewels
~Rivers Cuomo
Rivers has also stated that he is now "sick and tired" of naming Weezer albums after colors and will instead just start numbering them.