Meshuggah

Meshuggah band promo (with the road crew), the band about to feast on a young child/fan

“Hey that’s cheating!”

~ every guitar virtuoso on resident polyrhythm nerds Meshuggah

“We just ... you know ... get really high.”

~ Meshuggah's drummer, Thomas The Taänke Engine on lyrics

“This is boring.”

~ Meshuggah, while torturing Chuck Norris

“While we all have lots of bands who influence still ... we all rip off Meshuggah!”

~ Devin Townsend on Djent bands who copy Meshuggah

Meshuggah (often shortened to MESHUGGAAHHHH!!!) is a polar extreme-experimental-avant-garde-pre-post-thrash-trash-hi-tech-low-tech-mid-tech-death-life-grooveproof-progressive-regressive-math-bio-chemo-grind-metal and foremost musical band, an offshoot of the Bee Gees. They were formed at least a hundred years ago somewhere in Scandinavia. They are generally agreed upon by musical scholars to be completely awesome.

Meshuggah is best known for unintentionally creating the "Djent" metal sub-genre.

Their name (Meshuggah, in case you forgot it since reading the previous paragraph) is derived from an experience of the singer during the period when he was a long-time client of an insane asylum, where he was treated by a Nordic Jew. When the band's vocalist asked "Why am I here?" the Hebrew-speaking doctor answered: "You are meshuggah!"

It is known that Meshuggah were the cause of two armageddons and several recent studies from the French-Swiss Conseil Européen pour la Recherche Nucléaire (European Council for Nuclear Research, a.k.a. CERN – the world's largest particle physics laboratory) revealed a scientific study that proves – literally – that Meshuggah is the Almighty God.

Hysteria (Swedish for "History")

Early hysteria (the first amok and the primal, fundamental, prediction of the utter collapse)

Tomas, at the age of 3 (pictured), playing a drum for the first time in his life, exploring and realizing its immerse phonetic possibilities. Shortly after, he commented that this experience had actually forced him to convert to atheism – it was simply "too unbelievable".

Fårtin's first birthday (above). Most of kids get a rubber duck or a teddy bear. Fårtin got THIS. And then he drank Daddy's beer.

Meshuggah was formed inside the ass of a frenzy Berserker-Viking in Umaga (through the so called Metal Up Your Ass process), who was raped in a yurt by a minor Viking girl, who had diarrhea and used her watery fecal farts breezing against his ballsack. After this cataclysmic biotechnical anti-implosion, a volcano-shaped semi-fluid half-solid body of hot Nordic feces was formed on the surface of Earth's Northern hemisphere (38°53′42.4″N 77°02′12.0″W) with steam coming out of it because of the everlasting freezing blizzards in Scandinavia. According to Ozzy Osbourne's son (whose name I can't remember cause I am not from the US and am not interested in that silly bastard), this happened in Norway. According to reality, this happened somewhere among the tundras of Sweden, currently the poorest country on this planet.

Few centuries later (after the incubation time), the band released their first record entitled Psykologikkal Mindfukk (which, translated in Swedish, is "Nonsensical Lyrical Content"). The lead singer, Nicole Kidman, says it was inspired by Alcohollica's guitar wankery and her neighbor's drunken rants about his wife. However, that EP is a recording of soundcheck for the recording of the bands debut album Contra Collapse. This concept release is a past prediction of a future contradiction.

Photoshop

After touring around the dense pine taiga forests of Sweden (and other Viking regions) and playing at children's birthday parties (especially and most notably my 7th birthday and your 2nd birthday (I hope you still remember it)), the band finally released their 3rd album, Destroy, Erase, Smudge, Blur, Distort, Erase Again, Improve. Some of the most favorite songs included "Futile Bread Machine" and "Soccer with Tooth". Members of Meshuggah gained the inspiration for the music and the lyrics of this album from the album cover they created after the whole album was recorded. This album was successful, because it caused the stroke that killed Josef Stalin and forced Adolf Hitler to commit suicide. The long-time effectiveness of this album can be seen on the health problems of Fidel Castro and Kim Jong-il.

An attempt to global Chaos (a successful one)

Their 2nd album, Chaosquare, released after their 3rd album, had less-than-favorable reviews. Although a fan favorite with songs like "Old Age Anthrax Jesus", "The Nose sniffing What You Shat" and "Insane", it was panned by Oscar Wilde for "relying too heavy on Christian themes and pro-life lyrics." Obviously, Wilde is a vocal advocate of pro-choice and natural selection.

At some point, Meshuggah realized that the band has four members and that the number "4" is an unlucky number in the Chinese superstition. The band recruited Fårten Hagstörm as a 2nd guitarist so the band could get rid of their bad conscience (but at this moment, Meshuggah didn't know that Hagstörm will soon take over the supremacy over Meshuggah). Hagstörm, before joining the band, played guitar in Jesus Christ's christiancore band, "Jesus Saves". The Chaosquare tour was not financially successful: in order to maintain The Chaos, Meshuggah printed a different address on every single ticket. Therefore only very few people managed to find the actual venue. Therefore, the tour was at least chaotically successful.

Nothing

After extensive touring, Meshuggah entered Michael Jackson's Wonderland studio to record their next album, Nothing. Clocking in at 53 minutes of total silence, it was the band's best effort to date. Including such fan favorites as "Irrational Haze" (cover of Six Feet Under's cover of Jimi Hendrix's "Pink Haze") and the aptly named MTV hit "Strings Pulled at Random". This was also the band's first introduction to 16-string guitars. Hagstörm claims that "adding 16-string guitars to our music enhances the brutal heaviness of this album – even if you can't hear it – but your mp3 player will be more difficult to carry as it becomes heavier with this album."

Something ("Great Apocalypse, Enlightment and Salvation: Dehumanization")

Robert Gorillo (right), learning how to fårt from a professional (his right), shown here doing it wrong

The band soon re-issued the Nothing album due to overwhelming demand by fans, as there was not enough toilet paper because the last release had no booklet. The album includes guitar with the decibel level raised by 2%. But as this album was the next evolutionary step of Meshuggah, they used 4 additional strings for their 16-string guitars, which subsequently had 22 strings as a result. These guitars were also tuned another two and half octaves down and the whole album has been made about 100% slower to achieve even heavier heaviness of the already heaviest album. They also used a 3.5 string bass guitar (with 1 extra banjo string and 2 extra saxophone strings).

When the first copy of this album was printed, its mass was so heavy that its internal pressure was insufficient to resist its own gravity. The Gravitational Collapse of Something was observed on Dectember 0.3 periodic, 777 A.D.B.C. and it caused also the gravitational collapse of the planet Earth, the solar system and a creation of one black hole. As a result, the whole solar system was absorbed by this black hole. It is not exactly known why our planet still exists, but there are two theories (out of which one is impossible):

An A AP

In what was considered to be the band's most developed sound to date, they released an A AP (Ascended Play). A 20-hour song consisting of Nicole Kidman screaming through a empty toilet paper roll and pounding on a empty bucket in her bathroom, Nicole claimed she got the idea when the singer of Unsane suggested eating at Kenny Roger's restaurant before rehearsing.

The collection of Meshuggah's deleted material was released under the Fractured Genital label. It also included a cover Cannibal Corpse's "Hammer Smashed Testicle".

Salt Nigga Within

Fredryk experimenting with different sounds that certain fruits make when you smash them. Therefore he is known for destroying the band's equipment permanently and causing incongruity of Meshuggah's budget.

Feeling bored and generally unappetized with each other, the band took a few hundred million millennia off from touring and recording to explore other musical and planetary alternatives. One such auditory blasphemy was Fredrik's side project entitled Fred Reeks Through Rental S-Facial Defecates. It is a 17-disk recording of Fredrik in his basement twisting the fundamental boundaries of sound resonation by banging on pots and pans. There was also some organ in there that he didn't like, so he removed it later. The album title Salt Nigga Within also revealed Fredryk's cannibalistic and ballistic tendencies, which result in consumption of salted human flesh and using himself as a muntition for catapults, mangonels, ballistae and trebuchets during holidays (especially Easter Friday at 06:15 P.M. GMT+1).

The project also employs some guest musicians, such as the late Janis Joplin playing the 0th and 23rd string on Fårtin Hagstörm's microphone, the lobotomized vocal chords of Max Cavalera played through a vacuum cleaner, several Norwegian midgets hitting each other with mallets and squealing, two Aztecs on camels wearing a custom-made made-in-Lybia turban-shaped asbestos masks with natural plutonium rock jewels; and a quantum-suicided version of Fredrik himself, playing fiddle with strings made out of his own wig, which is made out of his own dreadlocks (the resulting musical instrument invented by Fredryk is called dreaddle, but was subsequntly stolen by Bob Marley and used as a device to discover reggae music). The album also includes someone hitting a baby with a cat, although it cannot be determined who. In the background sounds, someone is also being sodomized with a retractable baton.

Catch 3.14

Never satisfying their thirst for knowledge of mathematics and their obsessions with odd-time signatures, the band released their latest album, Catch 3.14. A 31.4 minute song cut down to 0.314 parts, each are exactly 3.14 seconds apiece (except for the track No. 314, which is exactly 3.14 seconds long). With songs like "Anatomy Lost" and "My Dog Sheds In My Garden Shed Using My Brand New Rake", it is a somewhat of a comeback album to their nonsensical lyrical roots and abrasive screaming. The album cover depicts Meshuggah while torturing Chuck Norris.

Common Trax (Rare Trax 2):

On Novembruary 43, 1999, 31:02 PM, Meshuggah did not release a compilation of all their past releases. It was a long time since the Great Apocalypse, Enlightment and Salvation: Dehumanization project and Meshuggah decided to think about a new disaster project. Armed with the new discovery made by scientists in Switzerland (and France) that the black hole at the center of the universe emits a frequency of Bb 57 octaves below middle C, Meshuggah decided to attempt to create a self-induced armageddon. They succeeded. Atop a mountain in Norway Meshuggah took their original Chaosquare album, which is tuned to Bb 3 octaves below middle C and lowered it 54 octaves. They then played it out of speakers custom made from radioactive waste from Chernobyl melded with titanium from a Russian space station which crashed to earth three years prior and landed in Fredrik's backyard, which he had been living in ever since.

The frequency produced resulted in a destabilization of the dimensional field surrounding planet Earth and created a time warp which accidentally transportted Atilla the Hun and his army into Times Square. Atilla proceeded to destroy the entire city, then the entire world. Right before the last human died, the last song on the album, titled "Rubber Fetish", produced a sort of cosmic looping effect in space and time and brought reality screaming back to the moment right before the album was played for the first time. The album was no. 2 on Billboard's Hottest 100 for 36 years, however no one has ever actually heard it (because it was never recorded). This is the reason why Common Trax (Rare Trax 2) have not been released.

abZurd

This is Jens Kidman. He is 67 years old. Honestly and seriously, I think that all of us concur that there is no need for any comment. Only one thing is for sure: something is seriously metal about him ...

In an interview with Russian Roulette Pro Magazine, Fredrik Thornintheass claims this album will return to past works, "There will be quite a bit of fast, slow and medium paced stuff as well as quiet and loud sounds." Thomas The Taänke Engine makes a return to the drums after Catch 3.14 when he couldn't be bothered to participate after being upset in an heated argument with flatmate Graffitiingo Starr]] about the differences between cabbage and lettuce.

The greatest hit on this album became "Bleed", as fat skater-drummer kids everywhere have attempted and failed to emulate Haake's bass drum patterns on this track. That year, the World Health Organization identified attempting to play the bass drum part for "Bleed" as the cause of a 2.1% net increase in spontaneous epileptic seizures in fat skater-drummer kids.

A scandal has been raised around the opening verse of "Eclectic Dread", which says: "Humanity, Pray For My Balls!". But Kidman later apologized for the immorality.

Kooloos

In 2012 Meshuggah finally announced their next album, Kooloos, which will detail their study with Sasquatch and his cadre of yetis in his native Canadian province of Saskatchewan. The album art was created by Fredrik while tripping the fuck out on DMT, featuring one of the yetis he had befriended, in pastel.

A release date has not been announced because it cannot be expressed in a way that would make sense to humans. The album is reportedly so heavy that its gravitational pull is distorting spacetime and drawing events before and after the release date closer together. A singularity is expected next Tuesday during which brostep fans will spontaneously combust when they are informed of the album's coming.

Writing process

Meshuggah lives, exists and writes the music in the future. Meshuggah breathes the future. Meshuggah is the sole and bare future. Several dozens of interviews have been made with Meshuggah about the future, such as:

Q: "What's the next album going to be like?"

A: "I don't know."

About six weeks later they held a press conference in which they stated they are deeply opposed to press conferences and held a meeting shortly after to explain any confusion.

Speculation

The angry and the sad man

Theory 1

Note: You seriously don't need to read this theory. It's here just for the sake of not having just one theory.

Our solar system is currently situated exactly on the event horizon of the black hole. But this case is is not very probable, because the length of the solar system is not exactly 0.0 E, but at least several Miles (Davis). Because our solar system's length is more than 0.0, this condition would not be stable (if we assume that time did not stop), and that is why it can't be exactly on the event horizon.

Theory 2

This theory logically explains the existence of God (and therefore disproves Immanuel Cunt's statements about non-verifiability of God). This explanation is made by a simple assumption, that there is nothing else that could have saved us from the black hole except for God.

The Milla Jovovich theory

One of Meshuggah members unmasked, The Fifth Element of the Holy Pentity of Meshuggah

The important fact is that Meshuggah foresaw the Gravitational Collapse of our solar system with their previous album Contra Collapse. They were the only ones who knew about this upcoming event; therefore they were the only ones who could save the mankind. According to the assumption, that was mentioned in the second theory, the one who could have saved the mankind was God. Logically deduced, we can assume that Meshuggah is the almighty God. So logically, we can see that there is a numerical error in Bible: God is not composed of Holy Trinity, but the Holy Pentity – the five persons of God, five members of Meshuggah (God).

Note that Fredrik tried to express his burden of being one of five persons of God in the track "UFOria" in Salt Nigga Within stating: "My mother is god. My father is god. My brothers. My sisters. All are god. God to the right. God to the left." On the other hand, these five persons of God are equal to Five Elements, therefore, logically deduced, one member of Meshuggah must be Milla Jovovich (The Fifth Element). This also explains why is Meshuggah's music so attractive for its fans.

CERN scientists currently work on a project that should reveal wheter the "Great Apocalypse, Enlightenment and Salvation: Dehumanization" thing by Meshuggah (God) is a concept (album) or one big joke. The recent publications reveal that Meshuggah (God) are starting to realize that they made one significant, elementary failure during the pre-creation (pre-first amok) era. The consequences of this primordial error can today be seen in the reversal of evolution of homo sapiens. Therefore we should elude homo sapiens. But mind that there is still the possibility of some other general conspiracy next to Meshuggah.

The alien conspiracy theory

Due to their extremely unorthodox playing style, there has been much speculation that Meshuggah is not a band ast all but in fact an entity from space who hijacked the bodies of five Swedish men and now controls them, giving them immense playing skill in order to melt the brains of humans to make it easier for the rest of the alien's race to conquer the Earth when the invasion fleet arrives. A cult has been formed called Children of Meshuggah who worship the band so that the invading aliens spare them on the day of the invasion.

Criticism

Meshuggah (God) has been criticized exclusively by infidels, who can be generally described as individuals with insufficient musical comprehension. These individuals will be forced to face Jihad by The Sword (FUCKIN SLAYYYYYYYYYYYEEEERRRRRRRRRRGGGHHHHHH !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! \M/ \M/ \M/ \M/ \M/ \M/ \M/ \M/ \M/ \M/ \M/). The others lack knowledge of underground music (=mainstream).

Fårtin Hagstörm's taste in music

Meshuggah's performances are an inspiration for many ideas in popular culture.

Fårtin Hagstörm is known for his controversial, offensive and politically incorrect attitudes. He openly expresses his hate toward melodic death metal, symphonic black metal and power metal. Couple of years ago, he got owned by several fans of Cradle of Filth, Dimmu Borgir, Children of Bodom, Sonata Arctica, DragonForce and Nightwish.

He has also been assaulted with knives by some "True Norwegian black metal" bands he was laughing at because of their panda make-ups. During this occasion, Hagstörm has been utterly sacked and almost stabbed to death, but this fact was not relevant enough for him to stop laughing. They also attempted to burn his hair, but he fårted in self-defence. Fortunately, his cut-off parts of his body were later sewed back on and he recovered fully to resume laughing.

Members

• Current
  • Nicole Kidman – ukulele
  • Fredrik Thornintheass – 64-string Meshuggah-harp
  • Fårtin Hagstörm – banjo
  • Dick Löver – kazoo
  • Tomas The Taänke Engine – .50 caliber machine gun
• Former
  • Chuck Norris
  • Satan (a.k.a. The Devil, Lucy Fur, Mefisto, Dave Grohl, etc.)
  • Wolfgang Amadeus von Beethoven

Record labels

• Umbrella Corporation
• Al-Qaeda
• Ikea

Disco (graphy)

• Contra Collapse a.k.a. Metallica in 40/64(1990)
• Destroy, Erase, Smudge, Blur, Distort, Drop Shadow, Erase Again, Improve (1994)
• Chaosquare (1998)
• Nothing (2002)
• Salt Nigga Within (?)
• A AP (2004)
• Catch 3.14 (2006)
• Common Trax (Rare Trax 2) (not released due to a spacetime complication)
• abZurd (2008)
• Merry Christmas From Meshuggah! (2011)
• Kooloos (2012)
• The Violet Sheep of Reason (2016)

Sources

• The Holy Bible, Vedas, Qur'an, Mein Kampf
• All scientific knowledge
• Myself
• Yourself
• Your mom
• The Truth itself
• Some lies
• Terence Mckenna
• Reliable sources