The Lawrence Arms
“Brendan Kelly... what a sexy bitch.”
“Yes sir, this man has no dick.”
The Lawrence Arms are an American polkacore band from a little town outside of somewhere in Illinois. They are made up of Brendan Kelly, Chris McCaughan, and Neil Hennessey. They all met while in a homosexual butt-sex orgy in Junior High School. According to the band, they all had the smallest penises there, so they were locked in a closet together and decided that polka-core was better than butt-sex. Kelly, who plays lead accordion, writes most of the xPoLkAcOrEx riffs, while McCaughan (rhythm accordion) and Hennessey (glockenspiel) sit on their asses and whistle dixie.
The Early Days[edit | edit source]
The band formed without the intention of being a band. According to Kelly, they decided that it'd be cool for the coolest kids in Illinois to play music, but not just any music. xPoLkAcOrEx was the way to go. Kelly, who plays lead accordion, writes most of the killer riffs, whilst McCaughan (rhythm accordion), and Hennessey (glockenspiel), are the masters behind the vocals. Kelly's trademark growl is perfect for the yodels needed to make the perfect xPoLkAcOrEx music. They started making music no American in their right mind would listen to, so they mainly played at small Swiss restaurants. But small Swiss restaurants werent enough they later played for just mainly gay men cornish gay men you could say.
The Warped Days[edit | edit source]
Their break came when Kevin Lyman, founder of the Vans Warped Tour, was chowing down on some schnitzel. He heard the band playing in the background of his favorite restaurant, and when he proposed to offer to play Warped, they accepted. All they knew, according to Hennessey, was that there was a lot of people to listen. They had no clue that Lyman told them to play punk rock. When they got on tour, the band was continuously beaten and raped with various objects by the tough crowd attending. After a week, they were kicked off, banned for life. The reason given?
| “ | The Lawrence Arms are a bunch of Swiss fucks that try to fit in with the current xcOrEx fad, and they didn't. They defamed the entire Warped community by playing that pussy shit they call music. | ” |
Lyman recalls an incident with Conan McAwesome and Kel Disorderly of hardcore punk band One Nation Divisible. He recalls one night Brendan Kelly was heading back to his band's trailer on a unicycle where he was jumped by both McAwesome and Didsorderly. They raped him with their penises to show him who was boss. Then just to top it all off, they chained Kelly to a fence and allowes all the boys, girls and animals at the warped tour to have a go at him. Lyman dries his eyes, he says this was a tough sight to see.
Current State[edit | edit source]
Currently, the band is touring the Swiss Alps and Southern Germany, playing clubs such as Das Yodel Haus in Munich and Le Pays Neutre in Geneva, Switzerland. They are rumored to have recorded a live show whilst in Geneva, which will only be sold to people who attended it. The reasoning for this, according to McCaughan, is because they don't want it to end up on the internet where people can make a mockery of it. People bashing their scene is going to be "the end of xPoLkAcOrEx in America, maybe even the world."
What Lies Ahead[edit | edit source]
The future of The Lawrence Arms is foggy. The x(Insert Genre Name Here)cOrEx fad is undoubtedly coming to an end, and they would just end up like the ska bands of the 90's... dead to the world. According to the band, they wish to change their style of music so they fit in more with America, because Europe is not as manly, and it's the only place that likes their music to be played in.