Cradle of Filth

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
Jump to navigation Jump to search
Bouncywikilogo.gif
For the religious among us who choose to believe lies, the self-proclaimed experts at Wikipedia have an article about Cradle of Filth.
Whoops! Maybe you were looking for Dimmu Borgir, or tasteless?

Cradle of Filth is a English Boy band from New York, California, that started as a Justin Bieber cover band. The origin of the band's name comes from Dani Filth's obsession with sleeping in dumpsters.

The logo of Cradle of Filth, believed to have been stolen from a doodle on the back of a "white" van.


History[edit]

Formation of Cradle of Filth[edit]

Dani Filth's parents, John and Judy Filth bring their son some tea, whilst terrified that he may bite off their heads.

As a spoilt and over-priveleged teenager, the young Daniel Davey was banished from the local church one Sunday morning for throwing a tantrum when his parents, who clearly did not understand him, insisted that he waited until the end of Mass before receiving his birthday presents, which included two laptop computers, an iPhone and, most importantly, six or seven CDs from his favourite black metal bands. "That was my proudest moment," Filth recalls with a nostalgic sigh. "I had disobeyed my parents, acted disrespectfully in church and committed the Deadly Sins of Greed and Wrath all at once. Just like my Black Metal idols!" It is, in fact, possible that Dani Filth is Margaret Thatcher in disguise.

Realising how evil and sinful he had become, Daniel deemed himself "worthy" of starting a black metal band of his own. He left home and moved to a dingy rat-infested dustbin in the darkest corner of a city, where he used his iPhone to invite his school colleagues, Jean-Paul (subsequently shortened to "Paul"), Darren Shan, Lady Gaga and some other twit, to start a band. Thus, Cradle of Filth was born. In this dustbin, Dani spent nine whole years training his voice to do weird and wonderful things, finally accomplishing being able to produce brown noise with it. During his intensive training he also learned how to scream in 8 octaves at once.

1990s[edit]

Cradle of Filth began recording their first demos in the early '90s, including "A Pungent and Sickening Belch", "Tr00 Flipping Blackness" and "I Recorded Myself Vomiting Into a Lavatory", but they weren't very good, so Daniel adjusted his vocal style, taking a more "angry toddler" approach. By 1994 they were ready to release their first studio album, "The Principle of Sharing is Evil".

While "The Principle of Sharing is Evil" was very well received by the black metal community, its 1996 sequel, "Dusk ... and a Slightly Gentler Approach to Life", sent a great shockwave of disappointment through their miserable minds. Cradle of Filth were accused of being "untr00", "uncvlt" and "simply too musical and humorous to be called black metal any longer" by their own fanbase. Dani promptly retaliated by stating that "We never claimed to be black metal; black metal is a stupid fad. We're Heavy Funk!"

This was a lucky escape for Dani, since everyone loves Heavy Funk. The band increased their income by selling controversial T-shirts inscribed with the offensive message "Jesus is a Clot", and they saw further success with their third album, "That Sick Woman who Bathed in Blood", as this was seen as their tr00est (albeit their first) piece of Heavy Funk thus far.

2000s[edit]

Notice the use of camera positioning and a small stepladder to disguise Dani's diminutive stature.

Cradle of Filth celebrated the turn of the century with their most ambitious work to date, "Victorian England Under Martian Rule", a concept album using the story of the dinosaurs as a metaphor for the ageless struggle between mankind and society. Dani Filth evidently acknowledged this achievement, adopting the tradition of screaming "I AM GREAT" down his microphone at regular intervals during concerts. Spurred on by his steadily inflating ego, Dani persuaded the Filths to churn out multiple CDs during this decade. Their profits skyrocketed until the release of "Thorn-something or other", an album whose title is lost to history, but which is universally considered to be their worst ever mistake. "Thorn-whatsit is about my obsession with myself," Dani proudly explained in one interview. To this the interviewer replied, after a long pause, "That's just not cool."

To add insult to injury, as Dani walked sheepishly from the room, Sonic the Hedgehog called out, "Your music too slow!" A mortally offended Dani Filth took this comment far too seriously and immediately fled to the countryside to record something better.

Three weeks later, the misleadingly entitled "Like DragonForce, but FASTER!!!!!" hit the shelves. Based on the lesser-known adventures of Gilles de Rais and the squid-people, "Like DragonForce, but FASTER!!!!!" is unique in its potential to appeal to listeners of both black metal and heavy funk, featuring a photograph of a man shaking his head very fast on the front cover to reinforce the concept of speed. While the speed of the music itself is not particularly impressive, everything else about the album, as Dani Filth hastens to point out, "is".

In 2011, the band threw a party to celebrate the third sale of "Like DragonForce, but FASTER!!!!!" and invited Gorgoroth, who are rumoured to have chased them in circles with ice picks for three days after Dani made a joke about Satan.

March 4th, 2011 they are headlined by underground country legends Naegleria in Worcester, Maine. This show was the greatest experience Cradle of Filth has ever witnessed as Naegleria's Matty "The Boss" aka Monster ruptured the audience's ear drums with the soft melodic triple bass peddles. Thus, Cradle of Filth decided not to play and they ate Lean pockets as Naegleria played cover songs such as "Bang on me Drum all day", "Whooo are you, who, who" and later "I really want to know".

Members[edit]

The average time any given member tolerates Dani Filth's personality before leaving the band is approximately 1.2 months. For this reason, the lineup of Cradle of Filth has rotated several times throughout all of Dani's former classmates, the entire British Urchin population, numerous illegal immigrants, two squirrel farms and various evil people (who did guest vocals on some tracks to boost sales). The only member to return is Dani filth´s boyfriend: Paul Allender. At the time of the last survey, members of Cradle of Filth were as follows:

See also[edit]