Bill Murray

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“Girls go for me. Because I don't wear underwear, and when I do, it's usually something covered in something disgusting.”

~ Bill Murray on women

“I bashed him once.”

~ K.P. Figgs on bashing Bill Murray once

William James "Bill" Murray (born September 21, 1950) is an American actor and comedian. Still commonly referred to as "funnyman", usually by the same uncreative assholes in the media who have been calling Madonna the "Material Girl" for twenty years, Bill Murray has in fact not smiled or laughed since the mid nineties. The reason for this is "I'm fucking Bill Murray, and I don't have to be happy if I don't want to". And so it was written.

Origin[edit | edit source]

Bill Murray over a timeline of recent years, despite having a trillion quadrillion dollars and probably a hot wife.

Well, when a mommy and a daddy like each other a lot, the get nakid and get jiggy with it alllllright. In this case some freakish alien tribe dumped in Hollywood and for some reason some smart guy director felt sorry for him and he got great roles like, Rushmore, the Life Aquatic, and so many more. But little did he know he was gay and could not resist the man's homosexual charm

Dead Stars[edit | edit source]

Murray has also been implicated in, though never charged for, the deaths of several cast members of Saturday Night Live. Specifically, Murray's amazing recent career is believed to have triggered the murder-suicide of Phil Hartman by his wife Brynn, the drug overdose of Chris Farley, Horatio Sands's death from AIDS, and Chevy Chase's death by choking on horse cock. Bill Murray has caused the death of 840 people in the last century, many of them pale, freckly types like himself OF Adventure Comedy

Life As a Hobo[edit | edit source]

Somewhere in his career Bill Murray had no movies to be in and his wife ran away with Aiden McCrazy (creator of the Hiroshima tradgedy) and all of Bill Murray's money, so Bill Murray became a hobo. People would look at him and say "turn away honey, he'll want to be charming and make you laugh". This would anger "The Big Mur" so much he turned to drinking and became a drunk but looked extremely half dead. This is what caused Murray to adapt the Murray persona. He then decided that there was only one thing to do: go and kill Aiden McCrazy, get his wife back, get a big lawsuite getting the public aroused, then taking his anger out on his wife and threaten to kill her if she leaves him again.

His Secret Lover[edit | edit source]

Unknown to most, Bill Murray got freaky with Ralph Nader at the age of 12, thus birthing Keanu Reeves. Bill has kept this a secret, but it got leaked out in his ultimate edition hobo guide he released back in November of 2004.Then he got freaky with keanu reeves and crapped out brittney spears, this man was a hero.

See him[edit | edit source]

You cannot see him. if you do, he will simply state that "no one will ever believe you". and he is right, no one ever would.

Bill Murray apparently died, as seen in the movie zombieland. Autopsies report that he had been taking heavy bong rips and thought it would be funny to dress up as a zombie and scare a guy. Long story short, Bill Murray suffered a shotgun wound in the chestal region

Unexplained Encounters[edit | edit source]

One day I got off work late and ended up driving home after dark. When I pulled up to my house everything seemed to be normal and as I had left it that morning. I pulled my car into my driveway, stepped out casually, and headed for the house. The porch light was on so it wasn't too much of a struggle to unlock my front door in the otherwise total darkness. When I entered my house I noticed my furniture had been flipped upside down and there were arrows painted on the walls, all pointing to my bedroom. I cautiously walked down the hallway armed with a rolled up magazine as I followed the arrows. I flung my bedroom door open and much to my surprise I saw a tiny vigil, paying homage to Wes Anderson, had been placed right where my bed once was! If this wasn't enough, Bill Murray himself popped out of my closet, put his hand on my right shoulder, and said, "No one will ever believe you," before jumping out of my open window.

It was February 2, 1993. I woke up, got dressed, and went to my job as a TV weatherman. Today was even worse than usual because I was sent off on a dreadful assignment to cover the annual groundhog day event in Punxsutawney. When it was over, I was ready to go home but a blizzard shut down the roads and I was forced to stay in that stupid town another night. The next morning when I woke up, the day seemed to be just as the one before. I continued to relive the same day over and over again for several months. After I spent centuries reliving February 2, I finally awoke to find a new day. It was February 3. I was relieved to say the least, but shocked when I walked into my kitchen. Sitting down at the table eating a piece of toast was Bill Murray. He simply said, "No one will ever believe you," and then vanished out the back door.

See also[edit | edit source]