Peanut butter

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Peanut Butter dressed up as 'extra chunky' for the special occasion.

Peanut butter comes in various types and styles: Chunky/creamy, salted/unsalted, oil/oil-less, kosher/not kosher, natural/artificial, brown/ochre, and green. With 7 distinct characteristic traits and various magical bonuses (+1, +2, +3, of healing) there are 21 (2^6 * 4(which is not the same as 2^8)) distinct types of peanut butter. I really should include some table/chart here to illustrate the various peanut butters but I'm too lazy. I will, however, note that chunky style has been shown to cure cancer and feed the hungry, whilst smooth style kicks puppies and continued to vote for Hitler even after he died. If you think creamy peanut butter is better then you are wrong, do you like to kick puppies, do you vote for Hitler! This is bad if you said yes, you should go die in a hole.(take a small goat with you why don't you!)

Social Impact[edit | edit source]

Peanut butter has been credited with enhancing peace and harmony by facilitating an everlasting bond between anus and tongue. Even more so than Viagra it has enhanced relationships on many different levels. While peanut butters' influence has been known for years by a small yet dedicated group of enthusiasts calling themselves Inmates of the Federal Prison System, it was after the filming of an HBO documentary at a maximum security prison in Illinois that the group's cause gained national attention with the revelation of a new type of peanut butter called chunky. While similar in both spelling and pronunciation to the chunky peanut butter found on the shelf of your local grocery store, the chunky found in prison is more humble in origin and easier to make.

So you take yer standard prison-issue creamy, slap it on the ass of your hasn't-wiped-for-a-month cellmate, and make damn sure all those little dingle berries and your dried up cum balls get all mixed up in it. Presto! Now you got chunky. Pass the toothpick.

Ahem. Soon after the HBO documentary aired, executives at a yet to be named peanut butter manufacturer announced plans to produce their own version of chunky to be called "Organic".LIKE A BOSSS!!!!

History[edit | edit source]

The first record can be found in livejournal archives of the Pre-Columbian peoples of Mexico who used ground peanuts as a base for a number of their food sauces.

Peanut butter is peanut sperm. They farm for this by giving a male peanut some privacy and a copy of Inside The Shells mounthly. Because the Pre-Columbians failed to file for a patent with the patent office for this farming methood, and because Columbia so stubbornly refused to exist, in 1890, a George A. Bayle Jr. began to sell ground peanut Sperm as a vegetarian protein supplement for people with bad or no teeth and/or braces. The first market response was overwhelmingly bad and in response Bayle created the creamy (or smooth) type of peanut butter.

It has also been alleged that peanut butter was created by Abraham Lincoln's wife as a condiment. Lincoln, realizing that this could be used as a tool for uniting whites and blacks, made a plan to give blacks the recognition of creating this Negro love spread. As he was planning this at the Ford theater, an anti-legume Racial Harmony activist John Wilkes Booth killed him and buried the secret. Years later Grover Cleveland stumbled upon this secret and in a revolutionary innovation, invented ding-dong-ditching to give George Washington Carver the recipe. He then created the illuminutti to protect this secret.

Industry[edit | edit source]

Peanut butter is a multi-million dollar industry headed by some of today's best known celebrities, including Matt Damon, Pope Benedict XVI, Bugs Bunny, Chucky the Cheese (a very obscure pseudonym of both Phyllis Diller & Oscar Wilde), This Guy, That Guy, Peter Griffin, and That One Fat Guy. Peanut Butter has often been fused with other products like Chocolate, Condoms, Chocolate Condoms,a guy with a tattoo in the shape of Florida on there arm, and most recently Computer Chips.

While peanut butter was traditionally handmade with hands, technological advances in machines have lead to automatic peanut butter plants. The majority of store-bought peanut butter is now handmade by machines, although gourmets looking for traditional peanut butter usually buy alley-bought peanut butter.

How It's Grown[edit | edit source]

It takes two Korean children three years of hard labor to cultivate a single peanut. Many of them die as a result of this arduous task from an ailment the local people call "peanut lung". One peanut on the black market can garner enough money to feed a poor korean family for a week. Though peanut theft is not uncommon, the penalties are harsh and include: loss of limb (hands, feet or noses), denial of toiletpaper rations and public wedgies.

Peanut Butter Puberty[edit | edit source]

After harvesting, Peanut butter enters puberty. Peanut butter puberty is much like our puberty. Sometimes the peanut butter grows hair, sometimes its voice cracks, but most of all the knutz grows and expands. To power this expansion Peanut butter manufacturers use energy created by Kitten Huffing and killer Flamingos. Once Peanut butter has gone through puberty and passed its physical (yes they touch it's balls, just like us. Now grow up!) it's ready to be sold to the masses. They must also burn off the hairs.

The Finished Product[edit | edit source]

The average Peanut butter smuggler is female, white, stands about 6 feet tall and weighs somewhere around 135 pounds. She may also smell like plastic.
Now 100% more radioactive!

After making the long journey through life Peanut butter is ready to be eaten by the masses. It is put in plastic jars often resembling characters from Star Trek and sealed with the magic foil. Then the peanut butter is taken to Mexico and illegally smuggled into the United States. Peanut butter is loved by all and also goes well with jelly. Unfortunately, jelly can make you die in most occasions; reading a book, eatting breakfast, or putting Bananas in your mouth.

Peanut Butter Precautions[edit | edit source]

You must never eat the Peanut butter if the magic foil is broken, because...well because it says not to and you should always trust the Peanut butter people because they're friends with God, and Odius' mom. Also remember that when eating peanut butter be sure to have a bottle of super-senstive anti-adhesive Peanut butter solvent nearby in case your mouth becomes stuck shut and you forget where your keys are. If you remember where your keys are, you can unstick your mouth by placing your right elbow in a luminous bedpan. Do not eat Peanut butter in a place with direct sunlight or one with intense heat and/or exposed electrical wires, because it is highly flammable.

The Bureacracy has been often times seen peeing in the common folk's peanut butter in hopes of "spreading the wealth" to other families in accordance with the new stimulus package. Their favoured brand to take a leak in is currently: Peter Pan peanut butter.

Originally, the company wanted to hire Michael Jackson to sell this crap. He may be a Jehovah's witness, but Seventh-day Adventists will eat this stuff instead of any meat, and Mormons will wash it down with fruit punch (although the Osmonds were on a Pepsi TV ad). Besides, Michael Jackson was dropped for obvious reasons.

Awards and Recognition[edit | edit source]

  • #1 in PETA's worst foods to give to your dog (it takes hours to lick off the PB off their teeth). HOW CRUEL IS THAT?
  • The infamous 'Peanut Butter and Elephant Joke' was awarded the "Worst Joke of The Year, 1934" by the American Clown Society.
 (Q: What do you get when you cross an elephant with a jar of peanut butter? 
  A: Either a peanut butter that never forgets, or an elephant that sticks to the roof of your mouth.)

Interesting Facts[edit | edit source]

  • Most widley used to put on your hands and slap someone in the face usually followed up by yelling out PEANUT BUTTER SLAP!!!!
  • Peanut butter is a cannibal.
  • It's peanut butter jelly time. Peanut butter jelly time. peanut butter jelly time.
    • Old tired meme.
  • Eating peanut butter while taking the SAT will result in an extremely low score almost 99% of the time.
  • Pieter jan de beer is the worlds largest peanut butter consumer
  • Peanut butter is used to make Oompaa Lompas (illegally hired workers in Willy Wonka's slave sweatshop for Lucas Mexican Candies).
  • Peanut Butter is the eternal enemy of the Flying Spaghetti Monster, deity of Pastafarianism.
  • Santa Claus can eat an entire jar of peanut butter in less then 10 seconds.
  • Amsterdam has been founded on peanut butter.
  • Peanut Butter is the main character in Titanic.
  • Having a dog lick peanut butter off your balls is the official greeting on the planet Michael Jackson.
  • Australian Wine is made out of peanut butter.
  • Ipods are made out of peanutbutter AND DOG BALLS!.
  • Some dogs, when given peanut butter, will forget to breath... and they say dogs are geniuses...
  • Peanut butter is used in Chocolicousistic.
  • Peanut butter is the fourth most popular food in the United States, behind the all too intoxicating pizza, cheeseburgers, hot dog and potato chips (OK that's four, make it fifth).
  • Eatting bananas can make you poop much more than prunes. The mentos guys proved it.
  • Peanutbutter is the #1 tool used for fixing leaks in faucets.
  • The current undead pope eats only Pre-pubecent Siberian Peanut Butter(R) and likes extra chunky between his toes.
  • One of the more amusing things to do with peanut butter is to replace the label on the jar with one for Noxzema skin creme and give it to a person with both eczema and a peanut allergy. Just imagine the laughs......
  • Peanut Butter is great for rubbing all over your face and then running around town screaming,"HELP! HELP! THERE IS TURDMUSH ON ME FACE!"
  • Rabbits and kitties have been especially known to use these substances to torture humans. They do this by stuffing it up people's noses, their ears and worst of all, their hair and Fish. The hair is of course the most sensitive of all human body parts. They then turn in to rabbits and kitties after the peanut butter torture.
  • The inside of peanut butter is actually negative space
  • Peanut butter is not a type of sport.
  • Bruce Campbell eats peanut butter. You can't argue with Bruce Campbell.
  • Ghandi is know to be a peanut butter hater, but no one really listens to him anymore.
  • it is peanut butter jelly time...
  • And hits the soundtrack with my baseball bat. SMACK!
  • May contain traces of soy, milk, berries and Jack Thompson.
  • Consumption of the Peanut Butter is known for its aphrodisiac qualities, however, if the erection lasts longer than 4 hours, please consult your local grocer.
  • Putting peanut butter on the teeth of a horse gives the horse the ability to speak.