God Steiger

“It's a good day if you are on the end of racist jape from God Steiger”

~ Malcolm X on God Steiger

“I would look up to him but I fear that if I did then my rectum area would implode at an inoppurtune moment, like at church or shopping with mother or getting crucified!”

~ Jesus on God Steiger

God Steiger, not to be confused with the actor Rod Steiger, was a guy who had a life disturbingly similar in places and disturbingly dissimilar in others to the life I am about to bullshit about.

Birth

Born Godford Alexander Maximilian Steiger at the beginning of time, at St. Mary's Hospital for the criminally-good-at-acting he created the universe in six days and then did bugger all until 1950 when he began his acting career.

Early Career

Well, that isn't strictly true as he did appear in a nativity play as Herod in about 1367. As a small boy though, he enjoyed such playful activities as expelling wrongdoers from paradise and flooding the entire Earth to get rid of further wrongdoers. Of course back then, people understood a bloody good joke when they saw one and even wrote it down as being a damn good idea in the Bible and bollock-bustingly funny. The people liked it so much that they even injected a little story about him saving two of every animal so as to make him seem more pious and terrific than he alreday was.

Parents

It is unknown who his parents were but we can only speculate that they were fairly trouser-explodingly, gigantapig entities of time and space and so perfectly capable of delivering a devine being of multi-Oscar winning talent (an awards ceremony which takes itself seriously and is definitely not overblown and empty).

Acting Better Than Anyone Else So Bog Off

Contrary to popular belief, God Steiger was a tall, muscular stallion of a man with the obvious devine qualities but due to the incompetence of producers and the narrow-mindedness of directors he was typecast as short, fat, balding men who usually had some negative trait in their personality. Who can forget, however, his first memorable performance in the 'Actor's Studio' episode: 'Telas, The King' where he was completely brilliant and made everyone turns their heads and say "OMG!" (They couldn't talk properly back then, not like now.) "OMG! Who is this bed-wettingly brilliant, thrusting young man? I must sign him up for the next big-budget extravaganza of a musical with either Gene Kelly or Dean Martin." Nevertheless, as everyone knows, his first film role was as a psychiatrist in a melodramatic war drama called 'Teresa'. Everyone knows that! I have thus decided to review just a few of his movies and give an un-biased, completely fair view on how great they are.

Doctor Zhivago

After besting Marlon Brando with his "I coulda been a contender" speech in 'On The Waterfront' and just being plain great in 'Oklahoma!' Steiger then appeared to Sir David Lean in a dream and suggested that he should take up the directing job on the film adaptation of Boris Pasternak's novel 'Doctor Zhivago'. He also slipped in the casual aside that maybe he should get a part. Rumour has it that Steiger had planned to take the part of Yuri Zhivago and that this was to be his breakthrough role as a tall, muscular stallion of a man on screen. However, the usurper, Sir David Lean cast him as the bad, Viktor Komarovsky; a short, fat, balding man with a negative trait in his personality. Despite this, Steiger once again trailblazed his way through the role and scooped up all five of the movie's Oscar wins and only didn't get the other five because they were crap, obviously! The whole affair with Steiger actually shoving his tongue down Julie Christie's throat during their kissing scene to get a genuine look of surprise from her was true and a bloody funny episode too. It was neither gimp-ish nor twattish and certainly did not make him look like a sexual pervert.

In the Heat of the Night

'Doctor Zhivago had been another tour de force of acting superiority on Steiger's part but his best role was yet to come. In 1968, he was approached (cautiously) by Norman Jewison. I say cautiously because, as we mortals may not know having only seen him on celluloid, you could not actually look God Steiger in the eye. If you were to attempt such a foolhardy act, your bollocks would implode due to the sheer destructive force of his talent. Hermaphrodites-don't get cocky (Heh-heh! Cock-y, just noticed that one)! By that reckoning, though, if you were a woman, you were tip top which would go some way to explaining Steiger's gargantuan sexual prowess (It was said that he could give multiple orgasms to women across the globe just by putting a letter in the postbox). However. Steiger was asked, as Jewison prostrated himself upon the floor, if he would possibly appear in a murder mystery set in a Southern town as Police Chief Bill Gillespie (a short, fat, balding man with a negative trait in his personality). He agreed to do the job. Initially unhappy, Steiger was later reconciled when he won yet another Oscar for lifetime achievement in 2002, beating Sidney Poitier to the post. The defining moment for him however came when Gillespie berates Mr. Tibbs. Gillespie: "Well, you're pretty sure of yourself, ain't you, Virgil. Virgil, that's a funny name for a nigger boy that comes from Philadelphia. What do they call you up there?" Virgil: "They call me Mr. Tibbs!" Gillespie: "Oh Yeah? Well, they call me Mr-you're gay!" Thus cementing two knocks to his political correctness belt, Steiger went on to win an Oscar for his portrayal of a racist Southern law enforcer, proving that the Oscars do condone racism and therefore it must be okay.

Waterloo

Here, he rewrote history as his portrayal of Napoleon Bonaparte (a short, fat, balding man with a negative trait in his personality). He rode roughshod (good word - use more often) over Christopher Plummer and the so-called burgeoning British Empire by winning the Battle of Waterloo with nothing more than a packet of cheese and onion crisps and a German Joke book. The success was attributed more to the debilitating effects of German humour than the crisps but they were not forgotten and even today there is a special place on the Arc d'Triomphe for Private Cheese and Onion and his heroic efforts in keeping the emperor's spirits up. The German humour, however, rose steadily in the ranks to the position of Lance Corporal and became a minor celebrity in it's native country. It went on a tour to France again to promote it's new book: 'I won the Battle of Waterloo so Knob Off!' and opened a small vineyard which performed moderately. Success however, comes with a price and on a tour to Britain it was ultimately destroyed as several publicans and humourous others pointed out that German humour is not funny and it was finished off by a column in award winning toilet paper, The Sun, entitled: 'Kraut Komedy Kontinually Krap'. Anyway, God Steiger was great.

A Fistful of Dynamite (a.k.a. Duck, You Sucker!)

Originally slated for Peter Bogdanovich to direct, it was thought that Bogdanovich was not the right man to carry out the job and the patron saint of Italy, Sergio Leone, was brought in to commandeer the project. The two devine entities were then joined by all-round brilliant bloke, James Coburn and the Holy trinity was formed. They went on to create what is now thought to be one of Leone's greatest films, surpassing A Fistful of Dollars, For a Few Dollars More, The Good, The Bad and The Ugly, Once Upon a Time in the West and Once Upon a Time in America respectively. It is a simple tale from the minds of Disney about John Mallory, an IRA explosives expert, who comes to Mexico during the 1913 revolution. He becomes caught up with a Mexican peasant, Juan Miranda (a short, fat, not-balding man with a negative trait in his personality), and his plans to rob the bank at Mesa Verde. It transpires that the bank has been turned into a keepsafe for political prisoners and in opening all the vaults, Juan frees every prisoner and becomes a leader of the revolution. Initially reluctant, after his family is murdered and he witnesses the injustices of revolution he becomes politically and personally motivated. He finally leads a deadly assault upon a government train. Unfortunately, the ever increasingly pessimistic Mallory is killed and in a last revolt, blows himself up and the entire train with him.

You shouldn't talk down to children.

It was a social commentary and also a criticism of other left-wing director's such as Jean-Luc Godard and the recent spate of political 'Zapata' westerns which were made by pretentious wankers for pretentious wankers. It was so successful that it caused another Wall Street crash. Millions upon millions of people brought money out of the share funds and transferred money in from other countries all at once just to see the movie as many times as they could. It was said that this was the film that earned Coburn a sainthood from the Vatican. Leone went on to make one more film but would never replicate the kind of success he had had working with God Steiger.

Steiger himself, Disappeared From The Public Eye For a While To Escape The Tedium That Is The Human Race

Steiger himself, disappeared from the public eye for a while to escape the tedium that is the human race. He cropped up briefly to shoot the Pope in 1981 and the World was shocked... until they found out that it was God Steiger who did it and then they all agreed it was probably for a damn good reason. The Pope later craved an audience with 'The Big Steig', as the papers had dubbed him, to apologise for getting in the way. But 'The Steig' was busy and he had to content himself with forgiving some Turkish guy who tried to shoot him around the same time.

Mars Attacks!

All these roles (apart from the one with Sergio Leone, of course!) were small fry compared with what he had in store. Sure he'd won the Russian revolution (and five great Oscars), beat the British Empire, conquered Mexico and proved that racial harmony was wrong but he was about to save the world! As General Decker (a short, fat, balding man with a negative trait in his personality. Typecast? No, just great all round!) he blasted the communist martians and saved the globe from a worldwide Tim Burton conspiracy to turn everything into a sick, twisted parody of itself (like all his movies). His supposed 'death' scene was put in there as a plot to undermine his popularity. In the editing stage, with computer trickery, it was made to appear that God Steiger was shrunk and then stomped on and squished beyond help. As it transpires, Steiger, in the original script and right up until the editing stage, actually shot the martian leader dead and used his god-like miracle powers to flood the world again and get rid of the Martians (and a few Frenchmen aswell). Tim Burton is quoted in Empire rag (sorry, mag) as saying: "That was one of my favourite things, having one of those movies where all the big names get killed!" Check it out if you don't believe me (issue 54/pg 59) Names don't get much bigger than GOD STEIGER (notice how I wrote it in capitals to emphasise how stupendously huge and great his name is). It was all in vain, though, as when Steiger saw the finished product, he made sure that Tim Burton was critically and publicly reviled and that it would take a long time for him to recover in the public eye (or was that Planet of The Apes?)

The Simpsons: episode whatever

“ When I make apple crumble, I tend to dip the apples first in a light ale to add to the earthy flavour.”

~ Press release on The Simpsons

Of course, who can forget the way he upped the hilarity factor of The Simpsons by appearing very briefly. In the episode, he got more laughs than anyone else and as a result of the massive ratings boost, the show was almost changed to The Steigers. The Simpsons would never again reach the levels of rectum-prolapsing guffawnicating jocularity that the Big Steig (in his piety) helped them along with that week. As a result, the Simpsons writers were forced to turn to Christian groups for funding as no one wanted to touch them anymore (oo-err). It was universally felt that they had reached their peak by signing on God Steiger for one show and thus the programme became a go-nowhere string of morality tales in which Lisa would do something great and very Christian yet unfunny and Homer would be presented as the bad man even though he did not really do anything to deserve such a negative persona. Furthermore, a whole load of characters were soon to become gay as it would boost the Christian church's popularity with the gay community if they were seen to tolerate them for once.

The 2002 plot

In 2002, it was reported that Steiger had died. This was untrue. As a devine being, he is immortal; therefore these rumours were stupid, probably put about by tabloid celeb 'journos' and know-it-all coroners. It has been recently found out that it was Tim Burton, still reeling in shock from his filmic turd "re-imagining" of The Planet of The Apes, who did it. He plotted with fellow conspirators Johnny Depp and Helena Bonham-Carter (a trio sort of like Adam Sandler, Rob Schneider and Steve Buscemi but likeable) to assassinate 'The Big Steig'. It was at a premiere of another great Steiger movie when Burton walked up to him and hugged him warmly. At the same time, he was transferring pnemonia and kidney failure upon him. Steiger was initially taken aback at the force of the problems. His host body could not fight the dark magicks of Tim Burton and it failed. Thus, God Steiger returned to the Heavens to do whatever it is that they do do in The Heavens. (It's probably something like watching God Steiger movies)

Tim Burton went to Hell.