Reformed Church of Alfredo
The Reformed Church of Alfredo is a sect of the Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster (But is in no way recognized or accepted by the Organization) that denies FSM's Sauceredness properties, and espouses that the True Believer in Him shall deny piracy as an evil lie promulgated by the evil Chef Boyardee in his failed attempt to usurp control of the True Church.
Differences from the Main Church[edit | edit source]
- Ninjas: Reformist FSMers state that the Flying Spaghetti Monster does not, as many claim, favor Pirate clothes; instead, he favors the sleek black Ninja clothing of his true devotees.
There are hundreds of references to Ninjas in pastafarian sacred texts, but like Ninjas, most people never even know they're there.
- Sauceredness: The marinara heresy of the 'mainstream' FSMers is distasteful to the true believers of the Reformed Church of Alfredo, especially as they do not look good in red. True followers of the Flying Spaghetti Monster favor Alfredo, the invention of St. Alfred of Parma, the originator of the Reformed church.
- Rituals: As they deny the Pirate tendencies of the so-called "main" church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster, the Reformists do not take part in the Parrot Festival. Their ritual of Saucrifice has a different flavor, and sometimes the Reformists keep Thursday holy as well, arguing that as a being of such immense power, the Flying Spaghetti Monster could have done a three-day week and still got everything right.
History[edit | edit source]
- Origins: The Reformed Church of Alfredo began shortly after the 1492 codification of the Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster. His Holiness, St. Alfred of Parma was an Italian FSMist who was moved by the Holy Noodle to speak out against an early corrupter of the codification, Chef Boyardee. Persecuted by the Boyardists who then controlled the Church with their Heresy of Marinara', he left the church and, in 1518, formed the Reformed Church of Alfredo with the canonical document, the 95 Pizzas that he nailed to the door of the local church of the FSM.
- The Influence of Chef Boyardee: Chef Boyardee had taken over the main Church after the mysterious death of the original codifier of the Church's guiding principles. Allegedly a trusted advisor, his heretical doctrine of the superiority of Marinara sauce, the Heresy of Marinara, was inflicted on the otherwise-innocent church.
- The Massacre of the Chickens: Reviled and ridiculed by the members of the main church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster, the small initial group of the Reformists fled to a small chicken farm above the city of Parma. A group of fanatical followers of the Heresy of Marinara tracked them down, and in traditional pirate garb, slaughtered every chicken, as well as a little bit of the Reformists. St. Alfred of Parma was martyred in the carnage, and only one person survived: A small child, saved by the divine mercy of the Holy Noodle.
- The Schism: In 1750, a small group of Alfredists formed the radical Orthodox Alfredist Church. However, this schism was not to last long.The main church soon destroyed them, threatening to do the same to the rest of this church.
- Underground Years: This child, whose name has since been lost, fled into the night, leaving the carnage behind him. Eventually, he made his way up into the mountains, where he was trained in the arts of the Ninja, and ultimately rose to a leadership position of the Ninjas. His remains were interred in the Tomb of the Unknown Ninja.
- Today: Today, the descendents of that original child continue the fight against the heretical pirate followers of the 'mainstream' Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster.
- Recent Developments in the Heresy of Marinara: Historical revisionists in the employ of the Marinarian Heresy have attempted to insist that Chef Boyardee was born in the late 1800's, and died recently. This is a base falsehood! Be warned of those who would insist that the Chef is innocent, as they may attempt to spread the Doctor of Ravioli or the Diet of Atkins, both of which are abominations in the eyes of the Flying Spaghetti Monster. Chef Boyardee had personally destroyed all that the Flying Spaghetti Monster has built. This is a travesty, Boyardee needs to be persecuted and brought to light. He needs to pay for all the lives of the uncooked pasta he destroyed. The continued
Sacraments[edit | edit source]
Chants: Chanting, or even humming, are encouraged by the church. This is especially important while on public transit, in elevators, or a public restroom. Some examples of Hymns are Who cut the Cheese?, Rich AND Creamy, and the classic church organ, Wanna whole lotta Sauce.
The first proof of the sect was found recently after being glued together inside a cake mixer. The otherwise spotless ninjas are apparently not very forgiving. The paper remnants were found after the massive crisis of June 24th 2008.
On the very first day, you made cock, They evolved into cockroaches, with a little luck. Now you just fly 'round, and I don't know what to do, but when you slurp, oooh, it's so creamy! You had big meat balls right from the start, The Alfredo's delicious, I can smell it through a fart, The sauce is dripping, but the balls stay hot, and in my ninja outfit, I lay in my cot! Well, that mean old chef, he tried to stop, All of your scullery maids, their cheese he chopped, Now Boyardee, he was just plain wrong, But he can't stop, this cheesy song! Alfredo's the bomb, better than sex, After the best part I just wanna yell next, If you found this chant, then we're watching you, The ninja's of Alfredo are about to fuck you!!!!!!!!
Other Sects[edit | edit source]
The Primaverans[edit | edit source]
A new sect of the Reformed Church Of Alfredo has been formed by the radical Karen Barlettano of New Jersey. The Primaverans are vegetarian and point to the Massacre of the Chickens and the fact that no one eats meatballs with alfredo sauce as proof that SHE (FSM) was a vegetarian. They also believe in eating broccoli with their pasta in protest to the C-Free lifestyle of the Piratians.
Orthodox Alfredist Church[edit | edit source]
The Orthodox Alfredist Church is religious sect that practices a form of Flying Spaghetti Monsterism. It was founded in in 1750 after it split from the Reformed Church of Alfredo. It is considered a heresy by both mainstream Monsterists and the Reformists, and was partially destroyed in the Middle Ages. It has since remained in secrecy.
Doctrine[edit | edit source]
The Orthodox Alfredist Church is similar in its teachings to the Reformed Church of Alfredo in its support of Ninjas, Denial of FSM's "sauceredness", and participation in the Saucrifice.
However, the Orthodox Church differs in its worship of St. Alfred of Parma as not only the founder of the Church but the incarnation of FSM himself. They argue that St. Alfredo must be FSM incarnate since it was he who invented Alfredo, thus bringing together the earthly and the divine in one sauce.
The head of the Orthodox Church on earth is chosen from the descendents of St. Alfred of Parma, and is considered divine and infallible.
As well as FSM and St. Alfred, the Orthodox Alfredists believe in the Holy Ninja that defends believers from Chef Boyardee's army of pirates.
The current head of the Orthodox Church is St. Alfred VII.