Pastafarian Rituals

THOU ART UNWORTHY

You are Not Worthy to view this article. Your Mortal Eyes Will Omit Some Parts of it that are only intended for God Himself.

Flying Spaghetti Monsterists participate in a great many rituals, most of which originate from the billions and billions of texts detailing and proving the existence of the Flying Spaghetti Monster.

Blessed Calendar

• Unlike many other religions, the FSM calendar has a defined starting point: the burning of the good ship Linguini, in 75 BC. Thus, the Pastafarian year is currently 2085 (from September 26th onward).

• It should also be noted that, because "Talk Like A Pirate Day" is the Pastafarian equivalent of Christmas, the Eve of the New Year (celebrated with a special pasta dish and Burns supper) always occurs on September 25th, six days after the blessed 19th.

All Fridays Are Holidays

• Unlike the Christian God, the Flying Spaghetti Monster was honest with His subjects and admitted to taking 3 days of rest after popping out the universe in just 4 days. As such, His Noodliness deemed that Friday, Saturday AND Sunday be days of rest, with special emphasis on Friday, in which one should drink much wine, sometimes beer, whisky and rum will also do and engage in delights of the flesh. Pay special attention to pasta that is easy to prepare and will maximize relaxation.

Conversion Ritual (or The Holy Suck)

• Unlike those of other religions, the FSM conversion ritual is a simple one. One needs no church, no fat priest, no holy water or comparable nonsense (although a thick Bolognaise or creamy Alfredo sauce may make the conversion more palatable). The only sacrament required is a long, saucy spaghetti noodle. First, fling the noodle heavenward, to see if it sticks to the ceiling. Regardless of the result, proceed to the next step, as even He is unsure what this test is supposed to indicate. To be fully converted to Flying Spaghetti Monsterism an individual must place one end of the spaghetti noodle in the mouth (it doesn't matter where the other end is) and suck it in swiftly, producing an audible slurp. The conversion process takes approximately 1.618034 seconds, plus or minus (but usually plus) twenty-five minutes cooking time. If you are are in a hurry, a Ramen noodle may be used. Importantly, everyone who has ever consumed a pasta noodle in this manner has renounced all other gods, and is a member of His sacred and saucy congregation.

• It is important to note that, in orthodox FSMism, the pasta is thought to transubstantiate into the very body of our Noodly Savior during such rituals, making them extra delicious. Most reform churches of FSM no longer accept this, regarding the noodles as a symbol of the FSM's corporeal form, but not, in and of themselves, sacred (the reason for the extra deliciousness continues to be a source of controversy, and taste-testing). This progressive belief system has the benefit of allowing worshipers to consume great volumes of pasta without having to deal with the uncomfortable feeling that they're consuming the body of their divine (but tasty) creator. Note also that the orthodox church of the FSM contends that too much Parmesan can cause the transubstantiation to go hay-wire, rendering the would-be convert a Catholic.

Sacrifice

• The proceedings of this ritual are kept secret, but it is said to be extremely gory. Flying Spaghetti Monsterists believe that upon a proper saucrifice, the Flying Spaghetti Monster will take the saucrificed believer unto Himself as part of the Saucon in a grand and magnificent display of His Meat. It may be noted that if not all of the saucrifice is used during the saucrifical cerimony, the leftover saucrifice may be covered with tinfoil for use in the ritual of the next saucrifical ceremony.

Parrot Festival

The Green Parrot, a vessel to greater wisdom.

• In honor of His affinity to parrot, Flying Spaghetti Monsterists hold a festival each year to honor the pirate's best friend and prophetic vessel. It is widely believed that the Flying Spaghetti Monster prefers followers who accessorize with parrots because they allow Him to communicate with them more easily. During this festival, several hundred million parrots are gathered in one spot and set free. This symbolizes spreading across the land, granting His followers a great boon, and his enemies a head topped with bird guano. For 3 days prior to their release, Flying Spaghetti Monsterists cannot speak unless spoken to first, and must poorly mimic the spoken words..

Talk Like A Pirate Day

• Talk Like A Pirate Day, September 19th is the most blessed of all days, equivalent to Christians' "Christmas", But better. This is the day where the Flying Spaghetti Monster blesses all because they talk like pirates, be they followers of the FSM or not. Obviously, to not talk like a pirate incurs horrific penalties, some of the worst of which involve haddock and a -35 penalty to all fortitude saving throws, but they are too gory for your eyes.

Fruit Smuggling

• Every third full moon requires all loyal members to place various attractive round fruits in their pirate tights and sneak them across political lines. This represents His Noodly Goodness in the void of space in the beginning of time.

Cannonisation

• Cannonisation is the ritual used to celebrate those most honored by His Noodliness. Few may ever hope to achieve it, but those who do will be given eternal backstage passes at the Stripper Factory. The ceremony is long and involved, and ends with the ritual shooting of the honored out of a cannon.

Genuflection

• The Pastafarian gesture of worship. While mainly a ritualistic practice, this gesture remains the most powerful yet passive means by which the faithful may deflect the evil influence of science and logic. When confronted by a challenger to the faith, a correctly-executed genuflection will weaken the attacker's resolve to the point that they are obliged to give up their side of the argument and retreat.

HOW TO GENUFLECT:

STEP 1: Bow thy head

STEP 2: Close thy eyes

STEP 3: Place thy palms of the hands firmly over thy ears.

STEP 4: Sing "Lalalalalalalala!" in loud monotone until thy throat is hoarse.

Blessing of the Holy Spirits

• The FSM demands that his followers perform a sacred ritual whenever his holy spirits (beer, rum) are consumed. This ritual involves raising your glass in the air, solemnly connecting your glass to the glasses of fellow followers, while heartily praising His Noodliness with a resounding ARRRRRR.