~ Oscar Wilde on Guano“Our skilled team's collaborative one-line key mission statement is to competently expedite performance based systems that leverage collective synergy and credibly provide access to state of the art mindshare to drive 'outside the box' thinking and formulate key objectives into a win-win game plan with a quality-driven approach that focuses on empowering key players to drive-up their core competencies and increase expectations with an all-round initiative to improve bottom-line results”
~ That Guy on Guano
Guano (from the slang d'yuwanna, via teh internet) is the name given to the collected drivel of politicians and marketing executives. It is highly prized as an effective truth repellent or sales technique due to its high levels of lies, deception and doubletalk. Supershite made from guano is the main ingredient in Happy Meals. Products or policies that are deficient in any real value can be made much more attractive by addition of this manure. Guano consists of bullshit, along with spin, misinformation, bribes, and media manipulation, as well as some hidden threats and sexual references. The high concentration of lies also made guano an important strategic commodity; in fact, the War about the Missing Stuff between the Alliance of the Duped and Iraq was primarily based upon Tony Blair's successful spreading of guano about WMDs.
Quality and uses of Guano[edit | edit source]
The ideal type of guano is found where there is little competition and exceptionally poor watchdogs, as the steady drip of truth drains the guano of effectiveness, exposing the lies and bullshit hidden beneath. Guano is used by powerseekers in most democracies because of those irritating voters: (for example the European Union) and in most 'free' markets (for example the USA). These areas have been home to grubby little marketeers (also known as shitemongers) for many centuries, and the guano has collected to a depth of many metres. In the 19th century, Great Britain was famous for its supply of guano which was treated like gold. The USA has since gained dominance in world guano production, with huge amounts being produced by McDonald's and similar global corporations. The US Government have used Guano to good effect in recent times, mainly to promote Major League Bloodbath. One of the greatest innovators in guano spreading was Joseph Goebbels (working for his client The Third Reich). His innovations led to mass psychosis, the abolition of most civil liberties, and the persecution of millions of innocent hedgehogs and hamsters. Guano is still a major constituent of the information supply in most dictatorships.
Guano has been spread for millennia by rulers, especially in times when their careers were on the rocks. It is most effective when its intended recipients are kept in state of ignorance, and where the flow of facts is administered by private and state companies. The Marketeer Vulture has historically been the most important producer of guano; its guano also tends to be more rich in pure crap than guano from other species. Other important guano producing species are the Spitlicking Lobbyist, the Lying Bustard, and its sidekick, the Willing Booby.
Muckspreading[edit | edit source]
It is estimated that the world supply of guano is endless: modern advertising and brainwashing techniques (Viral Marketing, for example) have led to many consumers acquiring a taste for it. Spreading of guano has been facilitated by modern technology (see Spam) but the quality has dropped in recent years, and this method is now only used for Porn, Pills, and Penis enlargement. This is a $195 billion industry.