Phi

“What's so perfect about this number? I mean, it ain't even rational...”
~ 1 on Phi

“He's just a cheap ripoff of me!”
~ Pi on Phi

“No comment at this time”
~ OJ Simpson on Phi

“I dont see what's wrong with him, we hung out, he ate me though”
~ Pie on Phi

“Shut up Pie! You are food!”
~ Pi on Pie's Comment

“Yea so!”
~ Pie on Pi

Phi is the Golden Ratio between a mile and a kilometer and a true indication of absolute perfection. The discovery of Phi or otherwise known as <math> \phi\ </math> (thanks goes to Merlin) is an even greater mistake than the discovery of Pi (again, that one was not necessarily Merlin's fault).

Merlin's simple formula is one that is taught in most elementary schools, which goes as follows:

$\phi \ =c{\sqrt {\frac {\left({\sqrt {\frac {234x^{5}}{56x}}}\right)^{3}+a}{{\sqrt {34}}-x^{2x+34}+\sin(x-34^{log45x})}}}+23b^{x}+0.554768^{a}+23d$

where $a={\frac {4325^{x^{2}+x+1}}{45+67x^{2}}}+23464.4567456-x$ ( the equation of $2\pi$ )

and $b=\int _{a}^{b}{9ccd9400fa726d26ca269e0665d51890}$

and $c=d^{x}$

and $d=\log {34a^{2+b}}$

Phi: The Results of a Mushroom-picking Adventure Game[edit | edit source]

Antiquity Greeks' impression of a perfectly built structure - Greeks are dumbasses...

It is said that Merlin discovered Phi whilst frolicking amongst the forest-dwelling ascetics of India (just prior to his first book release entitled Spitzensparkin De Ninkumpoop). He, at that point, had eaten quite a few of the wild mushrooms and was reported yelling: "YRHASDAN PHI SHIZNATO!" in the middle of a forest, which translates roughly to: "I FIND PHI IN ANACONDA SNAKE ASS!". The truth about this is that he was actually just looking at a fallen-down log with a worm on it. It was there that he saw the sacred formula begin to coalesce in his mind. He proceeded to attempt to extract the formula with a pair of toenail clippers and a sledgehammer, but at that moment he laid an egg and fell over unconscious.

Phi was rediscovered several times since then, but offered little or none or even less interest because no human was able to teach it to little children at school, much less grasp, the formal definition of it. Soon the Golden Age of Antiquity was born, perfection was on the rise, and the Greeks adopted Phi into their alphabet in order to appear intelligent.

The catastrophic impact was... well... catastrophic. Suddenly, everything had to contain the value of Phi somewhere inside of it: architecture, sculptures, paintings, recipes, playing cards, newspaper clippings, seashells, slinkies, stock-market projections, View-Master®s, rabbit breeding programs, magic potions, and so on. The ideal height was set to 1.618 feet, as was the ideal weight; which resulted in roughly 1,618,033.988 victims during the Great Golden Ratio Famine of 280 BCE. However, it was okay since everybody knew it was perfect.

Phi: Not to be Confused with Pi[edit | edit source]

Pi itself is a pretty tasteless number in its natural state. Pi must be baked for 31 minutes at 415.9 degrees °C to turn into one of the best tasting numbers: pie. Then can it be consumed.

CAUTION: Pie may be hot.

Unfortunately, as pie has become more and more popular, there are knock-off versions of it that are made by borderline mentally challenged children in sweatshops in India. These "Phies" as they are called, are never as fresh tasting, or as sweet as authentic pies.

Phi is not an Irrational number[edit | edit source]

Phi ends at 238 digits. George W. Bush released a statement stating that "This statement is stating that Phi is to be no longer than 238 digits long, despite what any formulas may have to say about it." This seemed like a pretty rational statement at the time, but it lead many scientists to kill themselves slowly due to the consumption of the cheaper-made and aspartame-filled Phies.^[1]

The Mathematics of Phi[edit | edit source]

Phi is interesting to mathematicians because:

It's smaller than Pi, but it's 7 times bigger at the same time.
It's the only other math digit thingy that rhymes with Pi, people think (wow!).
Its primary function was to destroy the planet slowly with its perfect proportions until Jesus retook Phi from Satan after he took it from Moses who bought it off some guy that said he knew Merlin, who in turn technically stole the formula from a worm on a log.
It fits nicely in most handbags.
Pi+350 C+45 minutes-Phi+blackmarket shit=a tasty treat.

The Mathematicians view[edit | edit source]

Here is what a mathematician had to say about Phi:

“It tastes like crap. Besides, what do I know? All i do is drink coffee and convert it into theorems. Could you please jab that pen through my neck? No? Then I'll do it myself..."”
~ mathematician on Phi

And that's about where the tape ended.

Phi and religion[edit | edit source]

Many religious disputes revolve around the esoteric nature of Phi. This includes the never-ending and ever-lasting battle between the Phionians and the Philos. In Philoism, it is believed that Jesus teamed up with Chuck Norris to retake Phi from Satan by means of distracting him with a small goat to sacrifice and 50 pieces of gold. Satan then made a move to steal it but Chuck performed a roundhouse kick to Satan's face, and thus, the day was saved. However, the Phionians sided with Satan and sought to retake Phi once again.

The Beginning[edit | edit source]

Phi is the reason we are all here, and it's for that same reason, that us as the human race, which has come so far in our advanced civilization, all want to kill ourselves. Although Phi isn't really of evil origin, when Satan took it over his influence stuck with us, and that's why there are so many same-sex and interracial marriages... not that there's anything wrong with that.^[2]

The End[edit | edit source]

The End 'tis near, and we can all feel it. Phi, being the only reason some mathematicians get up in the morning, will soon come and destroy us all. The only people exempt are Merlin, and perhaps a couple trees, but that's it.

Other common facts about Phi[edit | edit source]

Phi (much like sandwiches) doesn't allow sunscreen, vinegar, or eggs.
It's smaller than Pi, but 7 times bigger than the number 56.
Phi states that the only days in which people are allowed to urinate are Thursdays, Fridays, the first Monday of every second month starting with the letter J, 17 days after Ramadan ends, every 23rd day starting from 6th day of Hanukkah, and every 3 days after a full moon.
Phi shouldn't be consumed.^[3]
Phi's formula was later shortened to 1 + 0.618.
- 0.618 is also perfect, although hard to distinguish from Phi when turned upside down.
A common misconception is that Phi is thought to be an allotrope of gold, but it's actually just a less shiny metal called phitanium. Phi is worth 50 gold pieces, however, so it can be exchanged.
Phi's full name is:

 1.6180339887 4989484820 4586834365 6381177203 0917980576
   2862135448 6227052604 6281890244 9707207204 1893911374
   8475408807 5386891752 1266338622 2353693179 3180060766
   7263544333 8908659593 9582905638 3226613199 2829026788
   0675208766 8925017116 9620703222 1043216269 5486262963
   1361443814 9758701220 3408058879 5445474924 6185695364
   8644492410 4432077134 4947049565 8467885098 7433944221
   2544877066 4780915884 6074998871 2400765217 0575179788
   3416625624 9407589069 7040002812 1042762177 1117778053
   1531714101 1704666599 1466979873 1761356006 7087480710
   1317952368 9427521948 4353056783 0022878569 9782977834
   7845878228 9110976250 0302696156 1700250464 3382437764
   8610283831 2683303724 2926752631 1653392473 1671112115
   8818638513 3162038400 5222165791 2866752946 5490681131
   7159934323 5973494985 0904094762 1322298101 7261070596
   1164562990 9816290555 2085247903 5240602017 2799747175
   3427775927 7862561943 2082750513 1218156285 5122248093
   9471234145 1702237358 0577278616 0086883829 5230459264
   7878017889 9219902707 7690389532 1968198615 1437803149
   9741106926 0886742962 2675756052 3172777520 3536139362
   1076738937 6455606060 5921658946 6759551900 4005559089

Not Phi

... and/but nobody cares...

Phi is also the original Mr. Perfect:
If angered, Phi will possibly turn rational.
Phi is irrational, but not complex (just darn too many decimals in it...).
- The only substance in the universe known for being both irrational and complex at the same time are Females.
Did I mention Phi was also perfect?

Footnotes[edit | edit source]

↑ Please note that most of the children working there have terrible lisps and spitting problems, which lead the scientists to contract many mouth and stomach diseases as well.
↑ Nice recovery!
↑ Not on an empty stomach, anyway.