Command

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For the uncouth among us who choose lies, the self-proclaimed experts at Wikipedia have an article about Command.
The Command Key
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The Command key on Mac OS does stuff that the Ctrl key wishes it could do. Well, on Macs, anyway, because on them the Ctrl key just makes squiggly symbols.

Combinations[edit | edit source]

Partial list of Command combinations discovered by Al Gore as of 1921.
Command + A Send a hitman to kill Bill Gates.
Command + B Weaken the gravity between stars and planets.
Command + C Summon Chickens to peck out your eyes.
Command + D Make Detro eat a Big Mac. (Damn someone must be pushing this like 24/7).
Command + E Opens the whole personal profile database in FBI.
Command + F Teleports you to the nearest KFC.
Command + G Command an army consisting of all the goats in the world.
Command + H Send yourself to heaven. WARNING: This will kill you.
Command + J Brings your mother in law into your residence.
Command + K Creates a wormhole.
Command + L Introduce, misplaced, commas, to, a, famous, book.
Command + O Oscar Wilde quotes appear on your computer.
Command + P Prints porn at double speed.
Command + Q Shrink anything in sight.
Command + R Reverses the effect of this command.
Command + S Shrink anything and make it explode.
Command + V Stamp an object picked up by Command + X.
Command + W Burn an object picked up with Command + X.
Command + X Pick up an object.
Command + Y Poke someone in the eyes.
Command + Z Force someone to go to sleep.
Command + Esc Escape prison if you have a computer.
Command + F1 Makes you the President of the United States.
Command + F4 Shut down your boss's Command button.
Command + F5 Shut down your neighbor's Command button.
Command + F6 Shut down your grandpa's Command button.
Command + F7 Shut down your Command button.
Command + F8 Summon the ghost of Hitler.
Command + F9 Summon the ghosts of Cooper's grandparents.
Command + F10 Divide by zeroY32%$@@@@@@@[Division by Zero occurred in #3421af80. Please reboot server to continue]
Command + F11 Make your mom more fat.
Command + F12 Gives you an F13 button.
Command + F13 Gives you an F14 button.
Command + F14 Makes both your F13 and F14 buttons self-destruct.
Command + F25 Covers you in oil.
Command + Tab Shove some text to the right farther than any ordinary tab key has ever shoved before.
Command + Caps lock change any text to lowercase letters without much effort.
Command + Shift Shift gears.
Command + Enter Enter a random house anywhere in the universe.
Command + 1 Summon two missiles.
Command + 2 Summons 2 dead people.
Command + 3 Summons 3 piles of crap
Command + ℼ Summons your grandmother to create a pie for you.
Command + 4 Summons 4 Satan spawns
Command + 5 Summons five dime bags
Command + 6 Summon six missiles.
Command + 7 Summon seven missiles.
Command + 8 Summon eight missiles.
Command + 9 Summons 9 monkeys wired on Mountain Dew.
Command + 0 Summon a pigeon.
Command + $ Causes mass inflation all over the world. This combination does not, in fact, make you rich.
Command + & Gives you the ability to blink everything out of existence. (And we mean, EVERYTHING.)
Command + * Create a clown, then kill it, then create a new one, then kill it, repeating forever.
Command + # Cause all dead people to come back to life, only to be killed by a clown seconds later.
Command + ~ Removes every persons' ability around the globe to draw a straight line.
Command + - Pave a sidewalk.
Command + = Make 2 + 2 = 8.
Command + Backspace Delete a person from existence. WARNING: You could be randomly deleted if you perform this command one too many times.
Command + { Summon a left-winger.
Command + } Summon a right-winger.
Command + ; Cause prostate cancer.
Command + ' Become Satan for a day.
Command + | Stop drug use once and for all.
Command + , Speed up time.
Command + . Stop time.
Command + ? What does this combo do?
Command + ☺ Makes you happy. (No, not with drugs.)
Command + ☻ Makes you racist.
Command + Windows Takes control of every Windows computer in existence. Also how the hell do you have both keys?
Command + Command Command anything and everything.
Command + Alt Allow someone else to command things with you after pressing Command + Command.
Command + ↑ Make yourself happy.
Command + ↓ Sends you to Hell. WARNING: This will kill you.
Command + ← Go over there.→
Command + → ←Go over there.
Command + Option + Del This performs all commands mentioned, above and below at once!
Command + Conquer + R + A Rewrites time so that Adolf Hitler never came into power. WARNING: This is not reversible, and this will make Command + F8 unusable.
Command + 1 + 3 + 3 + 7 Summons Walt Whitman to rape you. (How do you have two "3" keys?)
Command + Ctrl Gives you control of the ghost of Bruce Lee.
Command + Home Takes you to you back to the womb as a fetus.
Command + End Brings forth the Apocalypse.
Command + ! Makes you surprised. At what? I don't know.
Command + PrtScrn Prints out a real-life version of the current picture on the screen.
Command + ^ Makes you look up! Wait, don't look up! (ahh you're fucked.)
Command + < Summons Pac-Man.
Command + > Summons Pac-Man but backwards.

Note[edit | edit source]

  • Due to unsafe and possibly rigged elections that have since taken place in America, the Command + F1 shortcut no longer functions as of January 20th, 2021 due to Donald Trump no longer being in power. Apple is currently working on a patch for this and will introduce a temporary command as a placeholder for the now non-functioning command. Until then, do not perform this command under any circumstances as doing so will cause the end of this world. (Fixed as of March 3rd, 2021)
  • According to the laws of physics, when oil is poured into water, the oil will float on it. As such, when the Command + F25 key combination is performed, you will uncontrollably fly upwards during rainy weather. As such, it is highly unrecommended to perform the key combination during such circumstances, as when it stops raining, you will suffer major fall damage. There are not many solutions to getting rid of the oil, as taking a shower to get rid of it will only make you fly upwards as if you were standing in the rain while jumping in a body of water (river, pool, ocean, etc) will only make you the embodiment of Jesus Christ, and will give you the ability to walk on water. As a consequence, when trying to jump in it, you will sustain minor or major injuries, depending on your durability.

See also[edit | edit source]

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