Right-wing

A Typical Right-Winger

The Right-wing is an United nation that promotes and adheres to the following guidelines, also known as ~~human rights~~ freedom:

Religion: The Right Wing supports freedom of religion, as long as the worship of the Semitic air god Yahweh, the executed Rabbi-rabble-rouser Yeshvah and their silent partner the Holy Ghost are all involved. It is forbidden to read the sayings of Yahweh or Yeshvah in their original languages, or in Latin, as it is a central plank of being Right Wing that God's commandments are written in English.
Law:The Right are strict constructionists when it comes to the Bill of Rights, meaning that they re-construct the Bill of Rights to serve their ends. Their motto is: "Do as I say, Not as I do" The Second Amendment, 2 out of 10 Amendments included in the Bill of Rights, is their most sacred Amendment. No matter how many children die in school shootings, firearms must never be licensed or restricted in any way, lest it keep hunters from shooting game. Oh wait, hunting licenses already do that. Every right winger however, knows that Doomsday is coming, and the most dedicated right wingers have already built bunkers. Guns must never be regulated in any way, lest it keep people from storing guns in their ~~nuclear fallout~~ zombie apocalypse bunkers.

The Right-wing form of Government is -as the name suggests- the "right" or "correct" form of government for the United States of America. Everyone knows that everything Right is right (as opposed to the Left-wing sect which believes everything, including themselves, are wrong, or, on some occasions, left).There is no dispute in this matter, and when there is, it generally involves a lot of slobbering and excessive phlegm on the part of the one who is wrong. Therefore, Right-wingers do not have an ideology. They are just Right. In their own eyes. And, They still believe in Santa Claus.

The truth-debunking doctors at RationalWiki have an even funnier article about Right-wing.

Identification[edit | edit source]

If you are Right Wing, you want to be identified as such so you don't get pulled over for obeying the speed limit in a red state.

Redneck..white trash...and blue collar.
SUV must do less than 14 miles per gallon. (If it does more, put a small leak in the fuel tank. It might get ignited and set fire to that van full of illegal immigrants just behind you.)
Anti-immigration, will volunteer to patrol Mexican border with submachine gun looking for illegals crossing, or volunteer to help "Build That Wall".
Has Mexican maid and gardener but does not declare their income for social tax purposes.
Wants everyone to work or have a job, including people in wheelchairs, people with mental illnesses, and single moms with toddlers who won't get paid enough to afford rent, food AND childcare. Those single moms chose to be single moms, so now they must make hard choices between which necessities they will have, and their toddlers should suffer for the fact that their mom let them be born into a poor household.
Believes social workers never suffer from having more work than they can handle, so taxes that are paid to that government department should be reduced.
Believes everyone should homeschool their kids, especially child abusers, so opposes any taxes that would go to public education.
Always goes to a non-mainstream church every Sunday.
Involved in the big oil or big pharma businesses.
Easily confused with left-wing.

Famous Right-Wingers[edit | edit source]

Silvio Berlusconi. The latest Italian politician to be mistaken for a Mussolini reincarnation. Donated several free holidays to Antonio Blero (vide infra) but was not given the BBC in return.
Antonio "Il scozze" Blero. Friend of Berlusconi and anybody else who would give him a free holiday in Tuscany. Famous for donating part of the British Armed Forces to the US ("Lease-lend") and leaving all difficult decisions to his successor when he was forced out of office over so-called "Cherrygate", in which it was discovered that he had been selling peerages on eBay.
Imelda Marcos. Named after a British sports car made of wood, Imelda Marcos was dictatress of the Phillipines. She was famous for her shoe collection and her worship of Margaret Thatcher. She was driven out by a popular uprising led by the British poetry critic James Fenton, who was not a fan of Mrs. Thatcher, and spent the next 20 years (a) trying to persuade the US Government to reinstate her and (b) writing nasty letters about Fenton to the New York Review of Books.
Ann Coulter. I would tell you all about her except that I dislike air travel, jump suits and being half drowned while strapped to a piece of wood, and being "rendered" by the CIA to "Gitmo" would cause me to experience all the things I dislike.
Paris Hilton. She doesn't exactly go on about her political beliefs, but I think that we can assume that driving while banned and paying expensive lawyers to keep her out of jail does not go with membership of the tree hugging hippy wing.
Barack Obama. YES WE CAN CHANGE the fact that a black man is running the United States, hello KKK.
Melanie Philips. Unheard of outside the UK and therefore only very locally famous, she is a kind of Ann Coulter on reverse steroids. Described by various sources as "clinically sane."
Conrad Black, aka Lord Black of Crossharbour. Clinically extremely sane, and not somebody of whom you would wish to say a bad word. Currently on trial in the US for being overly economical with business expenses, contrary to IRS regulations that actually require newspaper publishers to hold hooker and cocaine parties in their Gulfstreams.
Glenn Beck and Sarah Palin will make an interesting couple...not polyamorous couple, because that's a sin and only liberals do that sexual deviant stuff. We're talking about President Palin and running Mate Beck in 2012! The world is ending! You have nuts and bimbos.
David Duke famously ran for political office on a right-wing ticket, and is an avid Donald Trump supporter. Trump supports him back, too. There's a reason the letters were white on his MAGA campaign hat.

Political philosophy[edit | edit source]

As a political ideology, right-wing proponents believe that government is never beneficial and must be kept small to maintain social order, and that freedom is much better than security (Except in the case of poor people, students and Internet users, which are too stupid to be allowed freedom and so must be made secure. I would tell you why, but that would contravene the Recording Industry Association of America Digital Millennium Compliance Act, or RICO). In order to do this, vast taxes must be levied on poor people to pay for the enormous armed forces, huge bureaucracy, and eye-watering salaries to businessmen and lawyers needed to keep Government small, and keep people free.

Even the French Front Nationale have got in on the act, and not just during the various German invasions. Unfortunately they have got it wrong since their test of Right-Wingness involves the ability to speak French and to distinguish between cheeses made 5 kilometres apart, regardless of ethnic origin or color. Faced with a choice between, say, Paul Wolfowitz and a black, Lesbian, Muslim, French-speaking cheesemaker from the Dordogne as head of the World Bank, the FN would give it to the cheesemaker every time.

The Right-Wing Commandments (obeyed by some Right-Wingers) are the following:

Thou shalt have the balls to stand up for our country, provided it suits your own interests and lines your pockets. If you are not sure whether a piece of legislation or political action conflicts with your interests, you consult with either your highly-paid church minister or your highly-paid team of attorneys.
Left-wingers are the ones ruining family values (where as you are a God-warrior who is preserving them).
Thou shall stockpile firearms if at all possible. Be sure to mention your "cold dead hands."
Thou shall Babble for hours on an AM radio station. Occasionally throw in some key words from a political thesaurus. Bonus points for words that you do not actually understand.
Thou shall claim to be pro-life, yet support war, firearms, capital punishment, lack of medical care for the poor or immigrants, and hunting.
Thou must oppose healthcare coverage for all, for universal healthcare would contradict your principles about the supremacy of the for-profit healthcare system, and your principles about supporting lack of medical care for the poor.
Thou shall warrant the impeachment of presidents because they lie about the fact that they got laid, but support presidents who aren't even literate, or whose campaign was partially funded by a foreign power.
* Thou shall chastise Trump-haters for being unpatriotic, despite the fact that you are going to move to Canada if Hillary Clinton is elected president.
Thou shall sacrifice personal relationships, recreation, sleep, health, relaxation and possibly even your one or more of own children for money (A.K.A. the most importaint thing in the world).
Remember, Gay people are conspiring to ruin America by destroying our values and eating aborted fetii. Also, Teletubbies are responsible for 9/11.
Use speech to convince others, regardless of coherency. Use extra chins on your neck to your advantage.
Thou shall not so much as compliment someone without charging them money (we are not communists like some people are).
Thou shall love thy neighbor... so long as they aren't illegal immigrants, or gay, jewish, black, atheist or poor...or Mormon...or communists.
Thou shall not murder (unless you think they really deserve it).
Thou shall argue about homosexuality more than homosexuals do.

Games and Pastimes[edit | edit source]

A popular right-wing game, called "beat the odds," involves reproducing so much that you become the majority in a two party system. Afterwards, run for president.

Origins[edit | edit source]

The origins of the Right Wing are lost in the mists of iniquity. They probably date to when the first settlers arrived in Virginia and announced "Thank God we've escaped from religious persecution and government tyranny. Now let's kill all those goddam pagan Indians and steal their land!

The origin of the right wing and the Rightard politics in general is thought to have originated from ancient times. God drew two gigantic arrows over time itself: One pointing forwards and one pointing firmly back to primitive homosapien. The arrow pointing backwards, represents the right wing, and all right wing values lead towards the repeal of freedoms, and the reinstating of religion and the recognition that slavery might actually be ok as well as women being lesser creatures whose only purpose in life is to bear children. The arrow pointing forwards, represents progressive values of the left wing such as more freedom, lots of government handouts and the legalization of all drugs. At the tips of the respective arrows are the Christian "I'm a fucking psycho with my finger on the button" Fundamentalism (see Nazi) movement and on the other side is the "Lets allow rehabilitated Paedophiles who have done their sentences to live among us in peace since it's a lifestyle choice" bleeding heart fucking PETA Liberal new-age bullshitters. Naturally, any movement in either direction too quickly results in wars, genocide and the mass migration of sheeple. Of course one can see if the analogy is applied to a car, the forward arrow represents the acceleration of the car and the backward (right) arrow represents the brakes. So, while the car is moving forwards (women deemed ok to vote, slavery bad, racism stupid etc.) the fucking back-seat driver (see Asshole) at the back keeps braking and in some cases even reversing the car into brutal wars and other stupid shit like teaching Bible fairytales (see Creationism/Retardism in school science classes.