HowTo:Get hold of a Number Six Cylon
“It's been the sad fate of most modern science fiction programming to include a gratuitously high amount of soft porn.”
– John Travolta on Number Six
There are many reasons why you would want a Number Six, most obviously the fact that she never gets tired and will come in handy for housework or your hourly sponge bath. This guide will tell you how to cheat, scam and deceive [2] in order to get hold of a Number Six Cylon as seen in the TV series Battlestar Galactica.
A key issue is to separate fiction from reality, rather like the Two Part Menagerie episode of the original Star Trek TV series. In this particular instance you may have to reconcile yourself with the fact that should you make an attempt at the "real thing" she will no doubt fill you with a dull sense of disappointment. She is also likely to shoot you as soon as the opportunity arises. Obviously the methods below contain techniques that could allow you to possess the Cylon variant which is basically a sex toy.[3]
Method one: Freeze yourself in carbonite
You saw Han Solo do it in Star Wars; however, harking back to science fiction from the 70's may prove difficult. Han Solo undoubtedly has the endearing traits of the noble rogue, that infuriating yet strangely endearing devil-may-care attitude, and delicate yet defiant windblown hair (like Robin Hood, but with a Wookiee sidekick instead of Friar Tuck) that makes the ladies swoon. You, on the other hand, get nosebleeds when you get excited, your hair is rarely windblown (much less defiant), and you lack the oh-so-critical Wookiee.[4]
As a general rule, Number Sixes go for men with hearts of gold and ships that can make point five past lightspeed. As such, you should probably delay freezing yourself in carbonite until you possess these characteristics. Of course, any scrappy rebel who plays by his own rules would ignore this suggestion, thus putting you on the horns of a dilemma (this being one of the two times that particular phrase is mentioned on this page).[5]
A major problem with this method is the lack of any "real technology" to achieve it, and also the possibility that scientists in the future will fail to manufacture Cylons. Whilst this is pure conjecture, it would be best to consider the first method as a final, last ditch possibility, only to be attempted after exhausting the other methods which, for reasons too technical to recount here, follow this method rather than precede it.
Method two: Attempt to create a Cylon
Scotch tape and magic have their limits, and pulling this off is the most challenging and almost certain to end in failure. Before ordering those welding goggles you should consider the very real possibility that it will be at least as big a failure as that PamAndersonBot™ that your creepy older brother made a decade ago. He is still seeing that court-ordered shrink, right?
You need to consider whether you have enough latex or whether a more straightforward alternative, such as a readily available blow up doll, less readily available corpse, or not at all available Cylon, etc. If successful, this can be used in conjunction with methods four and five (see below) for effect.
You will of course need to get a really good blond wig and, sadly, your efforts will most likely resemble your previous attempts to have sex with a celebrity; a restraining order and running from the law with a blow up doll strapped to your back.
If you are more determined to succeed, you might want to consider building a real robot, although the MIT evening course you attended (they called it an "open day") will probably “not cut it”, so you might want to pursue some more education to get some kind of “half decent” result. However you are in all probability one of those talentless nerds and this will probably fail just like the others, it’s worth giving it a shot though.
Method three: Masquerade as a film talent agent and get to know the real Tricia Helfer
You did know that she's a real person, right? She used to model. Also, she's married, but since this method will fail at least as badly as the others on offer, you'll never get to the point where that will be a problem. If you do manage to get past the door (kudos to you if you do) her husband, Johnathan Marshall, is only a little guy. Small enough that you could take him, if you're sneaky enough. Distract him by jingling your keys, run off to the bathroom and don your Spiderman outfit, then dash back and "web" him with Silly String. If the key jingling put him slightly off balance, the Silly String webbing will mess him up. After that, of course, you'll have to deal with his angry wife and, we can't emphasize this enough, She. Will. Kick. Your. Ass.
So, after key-jingling and pretending to be Spiderman and zapping a guy with silly string before trying to escape with Tricia Helfer, freeing her from marital bliss... you will have a funny story to tell the other people in your cell block. Then they'll rape you.[6] This will give them a funny story about raping a guy who key-jingled, dressed up as Spiderman and zapped a guy with silly string before trying to escape with Tricia Helfer, freeing her from marital bliss, to tell the other people in their cell block.
And so the circle is complete. Plus, in two to six years, you can tell your funny story again, this time to the parole board, which will then have a funny story to tell the people in their clique about the time they denied parole to...etc, etc.
And so the circle becomes another circle, but bigger.[7] You'll be famous. Not the "rich" or "well known" kind of famous, but famous none the less. You'll be like a lesser known Pauly Shore, but raped in prison and wearing a Spiderman costume.
Method four: Use hastily flung together pre-existing notions from other science fiction films and programs
A la Stalker, Dr. Who or Dune, you could try believing that parts of the storylines of other, non BSG sci-fi series, parallel your own pathetic existence. Many episodes often occur in a self-referential fashion due to budget and creative droughts, like the Mirror, Mirror episode of the original Star Trek series.[8]
You yourself could be part of a storyline and become part of the fiction which drives your desires and your need of the Number Six. It is possible from this point to say that any reality would probably not work as well as indulging in methods which only feed fantasy and your own nerdy delusions.
For example, you could be Paul Atreides, fulfilling his destiny on the deserts of Arrakis. There is literally no doubt that the delectable Number Six would literally go wild for a man who literally uses his voice to control people, armed with a knife that's literally made from a big worm's tooth, and clothed in a suit that's literally covered in pouches that are literally filled with his own sweat and urine. Literally! Mix that scenario with the towel from HHGTTG[9] and you're literally golden.[10]
You could also try one of those annoying repeating timeloop plots from STTNG,[11] or fly around the Sun and travel back in time, as in about half of the Star Trek films. You could also try one of those annoying repeating timeloop plots from STTNG. Similarly, a Zone style element would work quite well. For example; you are on a journey and you come a place where your wildest fantasies can become reality.
A key flaw with this method (as well as the one following) is that you won't find "all is for the best",[12] in this world. You will find that this flaw in reality will start to pervade your deepest fantasies even if they become reality, ergo, any forgery however real will ultimately call you back to the real world without a Number Six. This will ultimately lead only to further desires when the next erotic science fiction series takes your fancy. Time to take that bromide I guess.
Method five: Go insane and convince yourself that you have a copy in your head (not recommended for amateurs)
"Why lose your sanity about keeping your sanity?" Ford Prefect asks, and this method stretches this to the limit.[14] Of course it requires the utmost concentration as well as complete detachment from reality.
This can work well in conjunction with Method four if you integrate some "rationality" into the whole thing you might be able to trick your primitive cerebrum from waking up out of your self induced insanity. You might try and involve participants to reinforce the scenario as well. Since no free thinking person with their sanity would willingly take part, you have the perfect chance to get that all important "realism."
You may, for example, accuse your friend of being some kind of alien spy from another planet. As they try to "lie" about it all you might continue on until the lovely Number Six comes in to help you out as you "rationally justify" harassing police and the public to the agents "plans." This kind of reinforcement will work pretty well for most and will help make the act seem more real for participants and cause untold damage to communities as you calmly pour battery acid over neighbours whilst they sleep.
This method is not recommended for amateurs who have never been in mental institutions as adjusting can be difficult. You might also be sent to prison as your cool and calm voice will undoubtedly anger the Judge regardless of the nonsense you are spouting. Be sure that somehow you develop a coherent getaway plan beforehand and you are sane enough to carry it out.
Conclusions
You may need to watch fewer Sci-fi programs and go outside to meet more real women.[15] It may also be advisable to see a therapist after trying the techniques, even if you are a pro. The long term damage from attempting to make out with things that don't actually exist is problematic at best.
Of course the methods described here could work, and you may even succeed with a "can do" attitude. You might pull it off at the last minute and find the solution and ready yourself for next week’s adventure. As David Bowie says at the end of The Man Who Fell to Earth, "There’s always the possibility."[16]
Footnotes
- ↑ Spoiler Alert: Of the three protagonists, Brody and Hooper were not eaten by a Great White shark. Quint was neither Brody nor Hooper.
- ↑ Admittedly primarily yourself
- ↑ By "could", we mean "won't", not that that will stop you from trying. Pervert.
- ↑ Your dog, Sniffles, and your teddy bear, Mister Bear, don't count, because neither wear bandoleers or sport a cool bowcaster.
- ↑ ...horns of a dilemma!
- ↑ Repeatedly. Get used to the idea now and it won't come as quite so much of a shock when it happens the first time. Feel free to act surprised when it happens again after that. Make a game of it by acting shocked each and every occurrence after the initial one to help pass the time.
- ↑ ...and, if possible, even more circular.
- ↑ Hint: With the simple addition of a goatee you could be evil-you. Cheap, simple, and a sure way to score with a Number Six.
- ↑ If you don't know what that is an abbreviation for, there is literally no way that Number Six would ever look at you. Literally!
- ↑ Literally!
- ↑ Again, if you don't know what this stands for, you have no chance with Number Six
- ↑ You'll go to the library, and then your glasses will break. Or you'll steal a bunch of gold, travel to the future, only to find out that gold is worthless. Perhaps it's best that you not try adding a Twilight Zone element.
- ↑ Well...she is a bad girl. Just make sure to be "the Merciless". Ming the Nice Guy won't cut it. Also, don't forget to have your mail forwarded to Planet Mongo.
- ↑ ...there is a small risk of you spawning your own Tyler Durden instead, which would be bad if it wasn't so cool. Ask him how to make soap, if you get a chance.
- ↑ Hint: They aren't in your parents' basement. And, for the last time, the "women" you meet on the internet are not women. That's a fact.
- ↑ Which is better than anything he says in Labyrinth. Well, "I ask for so little. Just let me rule you, and you can have everything that you want." does have that certain special ring.
See also
