Tomb of the Unknown Soldier

“Unknown eh? Why don't they just open it up and see who it is?”

~ Captain obvious on The Tomb of the Unknown Soldier

It is widely known, every nation involved in warfare and battle is enforced by the Kyoto Protocol to construct a memorial to honour the sissies that couldn't handle a bullet in the crossfire and wound up dead. To avoid legal and technical objections from the pussy's family and to grant a sense of mystery to the memorial, the Prime Minister/ President handpicks the most dilapidated carcass splattered over the battlefield. This body is to become THE NEXT WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPION... or be used as a replacement in the TOMB OF THE UNKNOWN SOLDIER! Isn't that exciting news...

The dead body is undertaken through mummification procedures as specified on giant tablets written in Ancient Egypt, before being dumped in its final location. The eyes are gouged out, any bodily organs such as the brain and stomach yanked out of the corpse's anus, and placed in a vat for presentation to the public. (If the warfare or mummification didn't do the trick, the face is usually surgically removed or beaten to an unidentifiable pulp.) This may often include the removal of a man's or woman's reproductive organs, to further obtain a sense of mystery about the Tomb of the Unknown Soldier's gender. The next step involves playing dress-up with the hollow shell of a human, where the population of the nation votes electronically towards selecting the best gown for the "unknown solider" from the Barbie - Cinderella range.

The construction of this tomb involves several thousand slaves and can take over 20 years to construct a 6 x 2 place for the dumping of the body. The blocks required for the structure are brought over from the Palastinian/Israeli border by dragging each 20 Ton block on a tugrope. These workers are paid US$ 3 per day, plus health benefits.

National value

The "Tomb of the Unknown Soldier" is considered a national treasure as it can become a revenue generating source for the government, by charging ridiculously high admission fees to view the monolithic structure... that no one really gives a damn about. Every "Remembrance Day" or equivalent, a wreath is placed underneath the tomb, to pay a tribute to all the dumbasses who got shot believing that mooning the opposition or sticking their necks out from the trenches to scream "What's that?", will result in a lame victory.

Interesting Facts

• The USA has thousands of these types of tombs. In fact, the state of New Mexico was created just to serve this purpose, as the Pentagon wanted to clearly highlight a new area designated for a second type of "deadbeats" entering the country.

• Australia has an equivalent "Tomb of the Unknown Donkey" after John Simpson's Ass.

• The Great Wall of China is infact built over a 5000KM series of unknown tombs.

• In Afghanistan, all tombs are unknown. Hell, their tomb means being buried in the scorching sands with a land mine attached to your chest in anticipation of killing some random US soldier.

• The bodies lying in the English tombs are believed to be of the French soldiers.

• The occupant of the British Tomb of the Unknown Soldier is in fact quite well known. The soldier is of course the late entertainer and television personality Bruce Forsyth.

• There is increasing evidence that the idea of a "Tomb of the Unknown Soldier" dates back to Ancient Egypt. Once a year, at the Festival of the Great God Anubis, Egyptians would gather and mourn their war dead at the Pyramid of the Unknown Pharaoh.

• The American Tomb of the Unknown Soldier (located at Arlington National Cemetery) must even be guarded during inclement weather such as hurricanes. This is not to guard from looters, as is widely thought, but in fact to ensure that the zombies buried within don't escape.

Unknown Soldier Career Oppurtunites

Given the sheer number of wars that people seem to be fighting and dying in these days, it would seem that no other time in history has been as good to get yourself interred as yet another unknown soldier. Here is a step-by-step guide on how to become the focus of the hysterical masses:-

• 1)

Go to your nearest army recruitment centre and sign up now (don't worry, you won't have to give a shit about the war in question or be a very good soldier).

• 2)

Make sure that you just scrape basic training. You will need to be an infantryman to stand the highest chance of being killed. If you get promoted, you're not likely to get shot in your nice, cosy office are you?

• 3)

Increase the odds of getting killed. Good ways of doing this are standing right next to roadblocks when suspicious cars go past, painting your self in bright colours that can easily be seen by snipers and wearing magnets in order to attract bullets.

• 4)

Make life easier for the people picking you as an unknown soldier. Never wear dogtags or carry I.D., make sure you get wounded in the face and make friends with no one.

After all this you may well end up in a tomb all of your own!