Egypt

Ægyptüs

Ægypt 69th Dynasty of Ægypt Kemet (𓆎𓅓𓏏𓊖) Masr (الجمهورية العربية الملكية)
Flag Coat of Arms
Motto: NeferKaRe ("beautiful is the ka of Ra")
Anthem: Video on YouTube
Capital	Käïrö
Largest city	Akhetaten Memphis, Aswan
Official language(s)	Ægyptüsian Hieroglyphs, PgUp
Government	Pharaonism
Pharaoh President Until Assassinated	Son of Ra Usermaatre Setepenre Meryamun Akhenamun Sekheperenre Menmaatre Menphetyre Heqamaatre Khepermare Ramses XVII El-Sisi
‑ Vizier Prime Minister Until Assassinated	Tutankhamun
National Hero(es)	Allah, Allah's True Prophet Muhammad, Ramses II
Declaration  of Independence	ca. 1,000,000 B.C.E.
Currency	Tramadol
Religion	Ancient Egyptian religion, Infidelism, Islam, Ikhwanian Islam, Governmental Islam, Coptic Christianity, Christian Church of Later Day Terrorists, Pastafarianism, Global Warming, Atenism, Judaism
Major exports	Mummies, obelisks, crunk, deities, sex stuff, Yu-Gi-Oh! cards, beer and malt liquor
Major imports	Limestone blocks, Ægyptologists
National animal	Camels, Apis bulls
National sport(s)	walking

Ægyptüs or Kemet or Masr or whatever you call it is one of the best countries in the world and has made a lot of progress so far. It is such a wonderful place that the average native wishes for nothing more than to leave it for Europe to marry a hot blonde! Ægyptians swear by all that is holy that Ægyptüs is the greatest nation in the world; yet, any time an Ægyptian is asked if he would return to Egypt, they will refuse, citing it is a shithole. This strange dichotomy has left many foreigners scratching their heads in confusion and now, thousands of men, women, children, elves, dwarves, and orcs flock to Ægyptüs to discover the truth of the diaspora Ægyptian. Is Ægyptüs truly a wondrous place? Or is it a shithole? Is it both? And thus, Schrödinger's Ægyptüs was born.

Geography

Ægyptüs is situated at the upper right-hand corner of Africa, and it is the only populated part of the continent. Ægyptüs is also situated in Asia sometimes. Ægyptüs is 96% opium farms and 4% opium dens. It is very hot over here, so you are not advised to bring any clothes with you the next time you visit Ægyptüs

People

The people of Ægyptüs have the astounding chameleon-like ability to change their skin color. The origins and functions of this peculiar power remain known only to Tim Chow, who, thanks to his ninja training, won't say anything. In some regions, a new race has started to develop. The kids being born after a certain date have much paler skin, are taller, more muscular and despite their religion have an uncontrollable craving for sausages. It seems there is no apparent reason for this Darwinistic change and scientists (the few located in Egypt) have tried in vain to come up with an answer. Urban myths tells that it might be related to the visit of a great personality from Denmark, but the Ægyptüsian patriarchs are not much of speaking about it. Egypt's mayor lives on a terrorist terrace in Cairo, the city of forgotten sluts.

Ægyptüs is also very famously known for adopting invaders' languages and religions. When Greeks invaded Ægyptüs the language became Coptic and when Romans invaded Ægyptüs the religion became Christianity then with Arabs introduction of Islam to Ægyptüs the religion became Islam and the language became Arabic, and since Ægyptüsians never learn the proper way, both religion and language are customized to fit Ægyptüsians and, in the same time, please tourists/invaders.

More than half of all Egyptian women who leave Egypt, either follow the Muslim faith or become a prostitute. Egypt is a prestigious country with world proclaimed religious figures to Al-Azhar university run and managed by a well-respected person named Haifa Wahbe, who not to mention received a Nobel Peace Price 2009 for her "outspoken sense of clothing".

History

While Ægyptüsian civilization was once a wonderful, enchanting, testament to the glory of Mankind, that was thousands of years ago. That was when it was run by whites, but massive immigration and importation of southern Nubian slaves and mixing of these subhuman species created the Arabs you see there today. These days it's quite the shithole, overrun with sweating, smelly, shouting merchants and sneak thieves with snaggly brown teeth who think that because their ancestors built the pyramids, they're something a bit better than camel dung, which they are not. But we won't dwell on that. The Egyptian character is unique, one of a kind. The Egyptian thinks he is the smartest of all the human beings and creatures, and he still lives in the shadow of the theory of conspiracy, he feels that he is the target of all the attacks of all the world who seeks to abuse him. In the same time he is a twisted character, he believes in the Jungle law, if he is stronger than you he disrespects you as if you are a big piece of shit at the side of the road, if you look strong enough to harm him, then he treats you with the most possible way of sweetness and smiles.

Ancient Ægyptüs

A sphincter spotted using his silly eyes

“The great Ægyptüsian age is but a remnant of the Atlantean culture.”

~ Donovan Wilde on history of Ægyptüs

Ægyptüs began as a colony of Atlantis. The Atlanteans and Manuel Fraga brought pyramid technology from Mexico on balsa rafts. The Ægyptüsian pyramids follow the same basic design, or pyramid scheme, as the Aztec pyramids, i.e. square at the bottom and pointy up top. Other giant structures in Ægyptüs include the legendary sphincters. It was bewildered with poo which covered the mass surface area of battered dog nuts. And there was also Mountain Dew.

Following this early pre-dynastic period, the several Ægyptüsians independent cities grouped themselves in two kingdoms: The Left Bank and the Right Bank (of the River Nile, of course). One day, about the year 3250 BC, a guy called Menes or Namerda invented the junk boat so people could make it across the River Nile to each others banks; the people got so impressed that they made him the King of The Two Lands. Since then, Ægyptüs had its first Pharaoh.

The Third Ægyptüs leader, Anubis The Furry

About the year 1650 Ægyptüs was invaded and conquered by a Semitic tribe called "The Hyksos". They invite their cousins, the Hebrews, to come to Ægyptüs, under false promises of reasonably priced retirement accommodation. When the Ægyptüsians finally overcome the Hyksos and expelled them from the country, they forced the Hebrews into servitude, until Moses Heston beseeched the pharaoh to let them go, crying "Get your hands off my Jews, you damned, dirty ape" and brandishing a rifle. Pharaoh Ramses let the Hebrews leave, but then changed his mind when he couldn't get proper bagels any more. Moses then used his super-powers to part the Sinai peninsula, creating the Suez Canal and allowing the Hebrews to row to freedom. Pharaoh sent his fleet after the fleeing Jews, but they were sunk by the Israeli air force.

The ancient Ægyptüsians invented the sport of surfing. As the surfboard had not yet been invented, however, they used Jews. This is one of the many reasons they were very upset about the Jews leaving, since the large, heavy tablets of polished granite that were adopted as substitutes had an unfortunate tendency to sink when placed in water.

Due to the Ten Plagues cast by Moses, the Ægyptüsians slowly started sulking, and so did not notice when a blonde Macedonian guy called Ptolemy Soter became Pharaoh in 305 BC. Cleopatra, descendant of Ptolemy Soter, was Pharaoh by the time the Romans began setting their greedy eyes on Egypt. For the sake of defending her country against the Roman imperialism, Cleopatra totally shagged Julius Caesar, for all the good that did her. Then Octavius a.k.a. Caesar Augustus defeated Ægyptüs forever by borrowing all the books from the Great Library of Alexandria and never returning them, which led Cleopatra to commit suicide by letting a snake bite her in the ass. Cleopatra was the last Ægyptüsian Pharaoh and, for all that's worthy, with her. It was another eighteen hundred years before Ægyptüs did anything interesting again. We must thank these truly amazing people for creating for us what we call Marijuana and also for introducing the Exchange rate.

Hellenistic Ægyptüs Aigyptos

Ancient Egyptian gaydar

Perhaps the time period in which Aigyptos would be most popular is when Alexandros's successors take over. It starts with Ptolemaios I Soter, who strengthened the position, while building the Bibliotheke Alexandreias. In fact, the best part of Aigyptos was so Hellenized, that the wretched Creative Assembly who did not want another phalanx faction, discards historical accuracy of using the Hellenistic Aigyptos but rather uses the Middle Kingdom Egypt, very ironic since the infantry branch of Egypt faction of Rome: Total War is largely phalanx based. And Aigyptos is known at this time for being the sponsor of incestuous relationships (that started ever since who-knows-when Mummy Returns period), particularly after Ptolemaios II Philadelphos had an incestuous relationship with Arsinoe, the widow of Lysimachos with whom Arsinoe had sex and got the cloak. Of course, the name Ægyptüs is gay, and the Hellenes knew it, since the Romaioi borrowed and changed it so they can call it their own. History-wise, it is nothing but a series of pointless fighting alongside the Chremonidean League in Hellas, putting down Machimoi revolts in Aigyptos, and fighting the Seleukidai to take Syria, and Antiocheia, until Kleopatra came in,portrayed by modern historians as largely Aigyptian even though Kleopatra was really Hellenic, attempting to seduce Caesar and Antonius, succeeding in seducing Antonius.

Actually, the story of Aigyptos is lot longer than you think: It all starts with the Aigyptioi revolting against Persia, led by Inaros. The Athenaioi attempt to assist the Aigyptioi by attacking Kypros, but was repelled by the superior Persian navy staffed by the Phoinikioi. This establishes the friendship between the Hellenes and the Aigyptioi, fighting as brothers in arms against Persia. Later on, on 336 B.C., Megas Alexandros launches a huge invasion (although puny by Persian standards) and kick some Persian arse, leading the Aigyptioi to simply transfer control to their buddies. Most of the Aigyptioi found little changes even with the more progressive Hellenes in charge, as Megas Alexandros (who'd probably be the most progressive of all, maybe even striking down homosexuality laws) gets screwed by malaria in Babylon in 323 B.C. Ptolemaios I Soter takes over Aigyptos, assigned to the position by Perdikkas, and kills the very secretary/treasurer appointed by Alexandros, a move that would seal the fate of Aigyptos. Of course, Antigonos gets high on drugs imported from India and decides to invade Aigyptos for no reason, failing miserably on every attempt at invading the mainland, succeeding only in seizing Ioudaia and Kypros. Oh, and even Seleukos, who would be Ptolemaios's archnemesis, joins the fight against Antigonos for obvious reasons, only to leave and beat the shit out of Antigonos all while Ptolemaios goes around building the Bibliotheke Alexandreias, eventually retiring out of boredom.

Yes, and the fun part about the Hellenistic Aigyptos is that Aigyptioi aren't really treated as friends to the Hellenes for the most part: they were largely reduced to peasantry, save for the Machimoi recruited as low-end troops all while the Ptolemaioi fights the Seleukidoi just for the control of Syria for so many generations that the Ptolemaioi had to recruit some Galatai who were even less friendly to the Aigyptioi, slaughtering them on several occasions from their bases in the Fayuum depression. Only after the Machimoi helped stem the Seleukid invasion under Antiochos in Raphia did the Aigyptioi get more respect, but then such relative equity lasted only so long until them Romaioi took over, which once led to racist class system – in which Aigyptioi are treated more or less as second-class citizens.

Historian: But Ptolemaios I Soter helped Pyrrhos Aiakides!

Average folk: But nobody cares!

Historian: Yeah, because Ptolemaios II didn't help.

Average folk: I'm gonna hurt touch you!

Early humor

I am sorry to say that Ægyptüs is where it all began for humor. Archaeologists recently found this primitive attempt at a joke carved into the wall of King Tut's tomb:

He: Did you hear about the Sumerian?

She: What about him?

He: He was extremely stupid. Haha!

She: No, I had not heard about him.

He: Okay ... did you hear about the Ethiopian instead?

She: Oh, shut up! Hey wait, was he the one who played with an ape!

The rest of the inscription is obscured by blood and the remnants of sacrificial kittens who had been huffed to death.

Modern Ægyptüs Masriüs

Modern Masriüs started when Napoleon invaded. In centuries past, the Masriüsians had been conquered by the Romans, the Arabs, the Turks, the Micronesians, Mr Arthur Perkins of 15 Crown St, Plymouth and the Carebears. As such, the Masriüsians had become disillusioned and depressed. However, Napoleon was such a Masriüs fan boy that he couldn't stop telling the locals how great they were and how he was a big fan, and are they going to write a sequel to the Book of the Dead.

This so raised the Masriüsians' self-esteem that, after being conquered by the English and the French (again), they decided they were ready to go it alone once more. So a new Masriüsian Pharaoh rose: Cassius Clay, who converted to Islamism and changed his name to Muhammad Ali.

Muhammad Ali lost a boxing match to a young British fighter and Masriüs became a member of the British Colonial Empire for a while until they cut off with the United Kingdom and founded the Republic of Masriüs in 1952. As the Masriüsians were tired of Pharaohs already, they decided to make Gamal Abdel Nasser their lifeterm dictator instead. Hilarity ensued. Also see Hillary sued. See also Oscar Wilde.

Today, most of Masriüs has been converted to a fun-park. The park features sand slides (water is not available), camel rides, a roller coaster called Big Jihad Mountain, and 1 bathroom. The Sphinx and one pyramid were dismantled and moved to France in order to free up room for a food court.

A rare example of early Ægyptüsian furry porn. The hieroglyphs roughly translate as "Feel my butt, human woman! That's the way daddy likes it!"
Horus's bisexuality gave him twice the number of opportunities to make such comments.

Æconomy

The Ægyptüsian æconomy is almost entirely dependent upon Michæl Adæms, who likes to fornicate with his own mother, aka juliomummy-power. Mummies run (or rather lurch) in the treadmills that power many of the fæctories in Ægyptüs. They pull the ploughs that till the fields. Their scary mummy powers of walking slowly and making arrgh! noises helps defend Ægyptüs's borders from hostile forces.

During the Mummy Shortage financial crisis of 1994, Ægyptüs's æconomy was devastæted. The World Bænk estimated that Ægyptüs's unemployment rate was 99.9999999999999%. This rocketed to 100% once the World Bænk closed its Ægyptüs office. However, with the invention of artificial, and synthetic mummies in 1996, the Ægyptüsian æconomy has returned to being a world powerhouse.

Ægyptüs was the first country to discover malt liquor. Here, an Ægyptüsian represents her block with a primitive gæng sign.

Ægyptüs is now the main exporter of seven vital products:

• Cotton – Ægyptüsian cotton is brollic in that it never, ever, ever gets dirty or tears or gets wet. This stuff is gængsta beyond a reasonable doubt, bitches.
• Beer and Malt liquor – It'll get you drunk. you'll be shagging fæt chicks in no time. You might even fight with someone, and possibly get your æss beat down.
• Muscles – Ægyptüs is the world's third largest producer of biceps, quadriceps, and trapeziuses.
• Crunk – There is more crunk per capita than any place else in the world.
• Sex – Ancient Ægyptüsians were the first to discover sex toys, aphrodisiacs, and the thong.
• Yu-Gi-Oh! cards – Why even bother?
• Deities – Ægyptüsians had more deities then any other race, although the need for multiple Deities was not discovered until the later part of the 20th century when they cæme to the conclusion that the Ægyptüsianians had too much damn free time.
• Sænd – Ægyptüs has recently discovered that it will never run out of sand, although in return Ægyptüs must become a giant litter box.

Politics

Egypt is ruled by an elected "Pharaoh President for Life". In a 1988 amendment to the Ægyptüsian constitution, the title of this position was altered to "Pharaoh President Until Assassinated". The President reports to a parliament, which is unique in being completely unelected. Anyone who happens to be in, or even near, the parliament chamber during sessions is entitled to vote. Main political parties represented include the Bewildered Tourist Party, the I Don't Know, I'm Just On My Way To Work Party and the Don't Ask Me, Mate, I Just Wash The Windows Party. Officially, the country is no longer called "Ægyptüs" because this is a racist Greek word. Instead, it is called Masr, which is the Ægyptüsian word for "rare infection of the lower pharyngeal cavity".

In 2011 Martians at Liberation Square ate both the National Hero and his two hundred million nationalist supporters, sponsored by KFC Israel–Palestine and the CIA–Iran consortium.

Obligatory picture of a camel

Here it is! Like you don't know what a damn camel looks like. They live in holes in the sand. You can just make out one of their burrows in the picture.

Not all Ægyptüsians are "camel jockeys" – most of them are much too large. Joe Camel is not Ægyptüsian, but does like a good, cancer-causing smoke which impresses the ladies with his rancid breath.

Ægyptüsian gods

The Head God of Ægyptüs was called Ra, which is short for Roger. Ra was the god of sand and people called "Pedro". Every year, people would pay tribute to Ra by burying someone called "Pedro" in sand, then going to Burger King (then known as Burger Pharaoh).

Osiris was god of the dead. Basically because he was dead himself, and could not come to terms with that and became emo. Since nobody took the effort to explain that he was really dead and should cut the crap, he was able to have quite a successful career in that corner of the market. Ironically enough, he had never thought of a retirement plan and died from boredom.

Horus, a.k.a. "Whore-us", was the falcon god. He had an affair with the god Set, but because he was bottom, he ran home to mommy Isis. In 2160 BC he founded the Air Force Academy, coining the phrase "Go Falcons". He was later assassinated by Ronald McDonald while they were fighting over Fast Food Franchises.

Set was the god of storms and the desert, defender of Ra's heavenly baroque of the sun as it traveled across the sky. Set was responsible for fending off the attacks of the evil snake god of chaos Apep, which would make him a good guy. Unfortunately, most newbieÆgyptüsülogists focus on the whole "Set killed Osiris" thing and note him as the god of evil, which led to a million and one fanboys to worship Set fallaciously in their death metal garage bands. Set was a flaming homosexual, and got Horus into bed with the ancient Ægyptüsian pickup line "what a lovely backside you have".

Anubis was the original god of the underworld until Osiris moved in and kicked his ass out. Anubis attempted to break back into the underworld (which Osiris had turned into a shithole due to being a lazy git) on several occasions but was removed by Osiris's bouncers. Upon Osiris's death (the second one) Anubis was called back into the underworld, apologized to, and was given Osiris's body to cut up and rummage through, and thus became the worlds first version of the popular game Operation.

Equally important to his well known counter parts, the God Jeff held the ancient Gods together. Jeff was in charge of the Gods legal paper work. Happy to help in any way he could the other Gods often used Jeff to do things like file taxes and fill out their W-2's. In addition to this general bitch work Jeff would often end up hosting Dungeons and Dragons for the group. Mainly because his friends were ungrateful assholes.

Middle East Countries

Bahrain - Cyprus - Egypt - Iraq - Iran - Israel - Jordan - Kuwait - Lebanon - Oman - Qatar - Saudi Arabia - Syria - Turkey - United Arab Emirates - Yemen - The United States of Arabia

The Not-so-Ancient Ægyptüs

Countries of Africa