Baka the Master Builder
Greetings, fellow architects and artisans! I am Baka the Master Builder, appointed manager (as of 1267 BCE) of ongoing Ancient Egyptian construction projects for our most glorious pharaoh Seti the Great and his up-and-coming born-of-his-mighty-loins Ramses the Prince of Egypt.
I, Baka, describe my humble beginnings[edit | edit source]
I, Baka, was born to a moderately noble Ancient Egyptian family of moderate (but certainly not excessive) financial means. At the tender age of 37, I was enrolled in Ancient Architecture School, where I majored in diverse fields such as mathematics, slave driving, geometry, slave driving, materials science, slave driving, and horse-whipping (with a discretionary minor in slave-whipping). Within a few years, I was ready for immediate employment by Ramses the First (yes, he was actually known as "Ramses the First" in those days). Unfortunately, Ramses the First, soon after initiating a slave-population control measure, died of an unexpected plague later that year. Fortunately, his great son Seti the Great (yes, he was actually known as "Seti the Great" in those days, even before he ascended the Pharaohship) ascended the Pharaohship and kept me on because he liked me. Well, I think he liked me. Maybe he didn't like me, since he never spoke directly to me. Anyway, I don't give a flying frog's ass whether he liked me or not. For that matter, I don't recall anybody who ever liked me. Not even Ramses (the 2nd one, not the 1st one, of course (who was already dead (smothered by frogs, or so I heard)). You know the one I'm talking about: the bald kid with the weird Russian accent and struts around like he owns the place or something. Well, maybe he's fairly justified in strutting around like that, being the current Prince of Egypt by actual genetic descent, as opposed to being adopted, like his semi-cousin Moses. (Come to think of it, I never found out exactly why Moses looks distinctly Hebrewish, seeing that his biological father was a famous Egyptian general in the Egyptian Army who died a full two years before Moses was born. Isn't that a wee bit suspicious? (But I digress.).).).
Next, I, Baka, shall enumerate my notable achievements.
I, Baka, enumerate my notable achievements[edit | edit source]
My first task as master builder under Seti the Great was to assist Ramses the Prince in building a huge treasure city of awesome splendor. It would have had dozens of mighty obelisks erected unto Seti's glory, scraping the underbelly of Heaven itself. It would have had dozens of fifty-foot-tall anatomically-correct statues of Seti gazing into the distances of the vast arid desert. It would have had spectacular shopping malls with luxurious parking lots as far as the eye could see. The primary gist of what I am trying to say is that "It would have had". Alas, it was not to be (at least not yet). As a cost-cutting measure, Ramses had trimmed back on the entire supply of food for the slaves, reserving 100 percent of it for filling the gigantic temple granaries that the Hebrew slaves were required to build all of a sudden. And how magnificent those temple granaries were! Hey, I designed them myself, didn't you know! Each granary gleamed in the harsh Egyptian sunlight and could hold so much grain that one of them alone could feed an entire army powerful enough to conquer the entirety of Egypt, from the Northern Gates of Goshen, all the way down to Ethiopia, where all those nubile swarthy-skinned people live. Wow, those nubile Ethiopian babes are SO HOT!!! Woof!!! They even leave luscious Hebrew watergirls standing in place. Not to say that Hebrew watergirls aren't hot, either. However, you usually have to make do with the resources at closer hand, as long as the wife doesn't find out. But I digress again.
It was soon after a full 70 percent of the Hebrew slave labor pool dropped dead that Moses came back from conquering Ethiopia, which really wasn't that hard as all that. It was only Ethiopia, for crying out loud. Even though their Ethiopian babes are the hottest pieces of ass in the known ancient world, they had yet to master the concept of plumbing, let alone the advanced technology of Egyptian chariot-based warfare. Big deal for Moses. Hell, my ancient grandmother could have beaten them backwoods hicks without even breaking into a sweat. Come to think of it, Hebrew slaves really sweat a great deal, don't they? It's like they are virtually drowning in rivers of sweat, even though the water allocation per slave had been cut back to only a fraction of what it was before. Ramses assured me that those cost-cutting measures were justified, at least in a business sense. Who am I to question imperial budgetary decisions? And those HOT, HOT Ethiopian bods! Yowsa!!!... but I digress yet again.
Suddenly, in spite of our utter lack of meaningful progress in building the new city, Seti the Great instituted a completely inexplicable change of administration: he put Moses, of all people, in command of the Goshen Architectural Department. Yes, that uncouth cad and go-between, Moses! It's like I keep hearing his name on everybody's lips. It's Moses this, or Moses that, or Moses something or other. Moses, Moses, Moses! I swear if I hear the name of Moses one more time, I shall go mad.
Working for Moses is not easy, I can tell you. Under his dubious leadership, and with only a modest increase of government spending (financed by an equal split of taxes on the free citizens of Egypt and foreign investments), he successfully constructed hundreds of mighty obelisks erected unto Seti's glory (scraping the underbelly of Heaven itself), hundreds of ninety-foot-tall anatomically-enhanced statues of Seti gazing into the distances of the vast arid desert, and spectacular environmentally-friendly shopping malls with luxurious multi-level parking lots as far as the eye could see. Not to mention all those pyramids. Even Seti was impressed.
I, Baka, expound my clear-cut business priorities[edit | edit source]
I have always said that if we stopped moving blocks for every grease woman who falls, the city would never rise. Some liberal do-gooders have unfairly criticized my time-proven methods and policies for prioritizing goals with little or no regard for the safety and well-being of our resident foreign labor pool. To this I say "Aragarah habalava shendyt!!!" In my 30-plus years of construction experience, I personally have no problems with an 18-hour a day 7-days a week work schedule, as long as it doesn't interfere with my romantic dalliances with particularly attractive Hebrew watergirls.
I, Baka, gripe about the political ambitions of Moses[edit | edit source]
It has recently come to my attention that Moses (the adoptive and presumptuous half-brother of the great Prince Ramses) has proposed a lengthy list of indulgent reforms that makes me question his rationality. Really now, a whole day off for slaves? Every week? With food, even??? I don't think so. Who does Moses think he is, some kind of deliverer or something? Next thing you know, he'll be advocating universal healthcare coverage and gentler back-whipping.
Personally, I think that Moses takes far too many unnecessary risks with irreplaceable inert objects; obviously an overt effort to curry undeserved favor with the Great Seti. I fear that, one day, Moses shall likely go too far with his reckless (and potentially revolutionary) actions.
I, Baka, outline my vision for a grand and futuristic Ancient Egypt[edit | edit source]
I, Baka, foresee a vision for a grand and futuristic Ancient Egypt. I foresee that the entirety of Egypt will be enclosed in a thousand-mile-high pyramid that will make all the other pyramids that Moses built look like tiny pimples on a grapefruit. I shall call it The Ultimate Pyramid! It's sure to impress even the very hottest nubile Ethiopian gals with my l33t architectural skills. I have the plans here somewhere... Well, no matter. I got me some other plans for this evening with a rather lovely Hebrew watergirl I just picked up this morning. She seems quite reluctant, but I'm pretty sure I can charm her. Hope the wife doesn't find out.
References[edit | edit source]
- Ancient Egyptian for "Eat my ceremonial loincloth!!!".