Pharaoh
Pharaoh is a title for the divine ruler of Egypt. It was invented by the Bible as the divinely inspired authors of that work couldn't be bothered to learn the real names of the kings in that land, and just made up a name derived from the words "fara", meaning king, along with the suffix "-oh", meaning god, by which they chose to call all the egyptian kings. By the way, it's pronounced fair-oh, not Phaggot or The Phantom Menace.
Ancient Egypt[edit | edit source]
The first Egyptian who could be called Pharaoh was Im-Po-Tent who united the Nile river delta and the long straddling river that stretched all the way back to East Africa. To symbolize the union of the two lands, the femine triangle of the trimmed and fragrant delta and the tall and proud Nile valley stretching all the way back to Luxor, Las Vegas and Lucky Luke Casinos, the pharoah would wear two of everything. Be that his crown, his loin cloth or tuxedo, handy if he needed a quick turn on the gaming tables of Memphis and needed an Elvis impersonator to keep the drinks flowing.
The successors of Im-Po-Tent included In-Conti-Nent , Rub-Ee-Ducky and Pep-Si-Max. Ancient Egypt did very well for itself during this time. The Pyramids were built, the Sphinx was carved from the living rock and the Egyptians had time to practise hieroglyphics without making silly mistakes like drawing a hawk instead of a hatstand when talking about looking after birds.
Pharaohs were also the living gods and could do more or less what they wanted. In death their tombs were furnished with all the goodies for the next life: travel insurance, sun tan lotion, money belts and Dead Sea Diner's Club card. Sometimes surplus slaves were thrown in to keep the rotting mummy company but later on, mass produced statues were used instead.
One famous Pharaoh was Samsham who introduced rock music to Ancient Egypt and another was Ack!-Damn-Nation who introduced Analism as a state religion. The Analists wanted to build a city where the sun wouldn't shine but they were overthrown. Ack!-Damn-Nation was killed and replaced by Tut 'Tootsie' Ankhamun . He died very young and was buried in a golden toy box in the Valley of the Kinks. His tomb wasn't plundered until the British found in 1922 and robbed it themselves by calling the activity archeology.
The mightiest of the pharaohs was Rameses. He is the Pharaoh the Jewish God punished when he refused the local Jews planning permission to build luxury apartments next door to the Giza pyramids. In revenge the Jews had asked Jehovah to punish the Egyptians with terrible punishments and a live feed of Israeli Television broadcasts showing Israel's entry into the Eurovision Song Contest.
No More Pharaohs Anymore[edit | edit source]
No one cared much after the death of Pharaoh Ramases IX and Egypt became a quaint tourist destination for the empires that followed. The Nubians, the Assyrians, the Babylonians and the Persians all dropped by and helped themselves to the souvenir stands. Only Alexander the Great showed some interest in ancient Egypt and was proclaimed pharaoh with the ruling name of Al-Laxa-Tive. However Alexander didn't care much for Egypt's capitals of Luxor or Memphis, the home city of a tawdry line of pharaohs called Elv-Pel-Vis. He instead built his own city and called it 'Little House on the Delta', otherwise known as Alexandria.
The last pharaoh was a woman. Queen Cleopatra took control of her country but had to sleep with different Romans to keep it independent. When the Roman emperor Augustus told her 'she was too old for him', Cleopatra had poison injected in her ass (by a slave called Botox) but died and was mummified. With her death, Egypt became Roman and within a few generations ancient Egyptian culture was so funny to the new rulers that they couldn't be bothered with any of it. So it died and no one could write or read the hieroglyphs anymore.
Modern Egypt[edit | edit source]
The shame and disgrace of being invaded by France revolutionised Egypt and Egyptian society. The biggest casualty was Pharaoh 1.2 beta edition, who was assassinated by a disgusted populace after they discovered he was a robot. For a long time, the Egyptians had no pharaoh while they invited the British, the Germans, the Italians, the Germans, again, the British, again, the Americans and the Norwegians to invade, in the hopes that everyone would forget about the French invasion. This plan was on the verge of success when the world found out about Iraq, and took turns invading there instead. In shame, the Egyptians had no alternative but to elect a new Pharaoh, called "The President". The job of the President is to make biscuits for the Egyptian Parliament and be assassinated.