Twelve Lost Tribes of Israel

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The Twelve Lost Tribes of Israel are twelve separate groups of Jews that left Israel throughout its history and never found their way back. Despite their wives nagging them to ask for directions, the husbands refused, saying it would waste gas, and they knew where they were going.

They didn't know.

In recent years, most of the members of these tribes have returned to Israel.

Neptunian Jews[edit]

This tribe left Israel on the promise of discount jewelry in Brooklyn in 1,000 B.C. A maelstrom and subsequent wormhole led them to Neptune. They use their ability for infared vision and their ability to eat gold to survive in the harsh environment. These are abilities all Jews have, but refuse to admit to having. Israel has gone against natural Jewish stinginess by offering to spend 10 trillion to bring the remaining Neptunian Jews to Israel. A few hundred Neptunian Jews moved to Pluto, but now only one remains on the dwarf planet, most of them having left in disgust when it was discovered that Pluto was no longer considered a planet.

Ethiopian Jews[edit]

These Jews were black, and could not take the abuse they faced in Israel for the colour of their skin. They moved to Ethiopia and discovered that their cock size was no longer superior there, leading to a hasty re-entry into Israel after it was declared a state in 1948. The Ethiopian Jews invent a new genre of music, mixing hip-hop and Klezmer called Klez-Hop. It is awful.

Beverly Hills Jews[edit]

These Jews left Israel in 300 A.D. and settled in Persia. In 1978, Youssef, a young upstart Jew from Tehran, discovered that he could get discounts on Gold Lexus cars, Curtain rods, and white faux-marble statues in Beverly Hills, leading to a massive diaspora to the chic L.A. Enclave. They also tried to take over a gay bar in South Park, Colorado, but failed due to bravery of the 300 Lesbos who defended their turf.

Persian Jews in Beverly Hills have terrible taste.

The Stennerman family[edit]

The Stennerman family left Westchester NY to go on a road trip out West. When Judith told Henry to pull over for directions, he promptly refused, citing the cost of gas it would take, as well as the toll to get off and back on the toll road just to frequent a town to ask for said directions. Henry then pulled out a map of the state and horribly misread it, and they were halfway to Montreal when he finally admitted they were lost. They turned around and reached their checkpoint for that day, Pittsburg Pennsylvania, seven hours late. Judith did not cease to nag Hanry about his mistake for four hours. During the course of this ordeal, their son Joshua was able to beat Super Mario eight times on his game boy.

Woody Allen[edit]

By all accounts, Woody Allen's first few films were top-notch. But slowly and surely, they got more and more pretentious. 3 films and 56,903 pretentious literary references later, Israel had him exiled to Manhattan. He has lived there ever since. Of all the lost tribes, he is the only one to not have received an offer to return to Israel. They do not want him back. He sucks now anyways. His movies are so unfunny they make Israel vomit collectively. This Nebbish isn't getting back into the promised land any time soon.

George Allen[edit]

U.S. Senator George Allen, despite being super-Christian and calling an Indian dude "Macaca", is of semitic descent himself. From his mother's line, he is about 1/8th Jewish, which is still too Jewish to be an elected Republican, hence why he lost his senate seat. Moreover, since his Jewishness has been passed down Matrilinealy he is full-blown, bona fide, Grade A Jew. There has never been a more lost Jew in the history of Jewry. Israel offered him 12,000 dollars to return to Israel, but not so much to take him as to get him off of America's hands.

The Jew-Tang Clan[edit]

A group of black Jews, who because of their deep and abiding love for Tang, a.k.a. "The Negroe's Orange Juice , moved to the tropical climate of Shaolin to harvest orange concentrate to make tang powder. They are led by RZA-stein, who makes their beats. Old Dirty Bastard-stein was killed by a gang of gunmen representing rival juice faction, Kool Aid, particularly its grape variant. Other members of the Jew Tang Clan include the GZA-stein, Method Man-stein, Red Man-stein, and other, uncreative and poorly inspired puns that include a member of the Wu-Tang Clan and the surname "stein".

Texas Jews[edit]

Led by Kinky Friedman. these Jews live in a harsh environment where the only minorities even mildly accepted are Mexicans, because they share the Texans' love of rodeo sports. Friedman led these Jews from Israel after discovering he was unelectable there. The Texan Jews briefly stopped in Cuba, where Friedman discovered he could not get elected because the process of free elections did not exist there. THey then moved to Texas where Friedman ran for governor. He got 11 percent of the vote, which roughly correlated to the proportion of Jews in Texas. After his loss, Israel took back most of the Texan Jews and gave them ranches in the Golan Heights. Of the 20,000 remaining Texan Jews, 18,000 moved to Brooklyn, where they frequntly go down the block to saddle up some Chinese Food and go over to their friend Nussbaum's house. The 2,000 remaining Jews in Texas work mostly in comedy.

The Basement Jews[edit]

These Jews left Israel to live in their parents' basements scattered across Westchester County. They play Dance Dance Revolution and World of Warcraft all day and eat only hot pockets. Despite frequent attempts by their parents to get them to move out and meet a good Jewish girl, as well as cash bribes from the Israeli government to return to Israel, they refuse to budge.

David A. Malkowitz of 13, Pershing Square, Chico, CA[edit]

Fuck you David Malkowitz, you know what you did...

Canadian Jews[edit]

These Jews never exactly left in a collective group and got lost as such, they preferred to come into "America Jr." in a trickle of obviously accidental immigration. Why accidental? Because there is no reasonable way that thousands of Jews moved to Canada by choice, I mean really, out of all places. Free healthcare? Fuck free healthcare, even the cheapest Jew I know wouldn't move to such a hell hole for "free healthcare" Jews don;t even like hockey! cmon!

The Israeli government's offers for repatriation must be kept getting lost in the mail, because there is no reasonable way that they could have gotten such offers and not wanted to get the hell out of Canada.

Natalie Portman[edit]

C'mon Natalie, we all know that Los Angeles is the only place a talented young actress like yourself can get work, but do Israel a favor and go back to the country of your birth. Your beautiful presence would make the day of every Israeli male ages 14-22. We all loved you in "V for Vendetta", "Closer", and "Garden State" and "The Professional" and we're willing to forget about "The Phantom Menace" too if you come back!