Vincent Price

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Did you know that Vincent Price is laughing at you from the grave?

Vincent Price (May 27, 1911 – October 25, 1993) was an American HORROR actor, commonly known for being the greatest villain actor of all time. Though he has been absent for over 16 years, his return is to be expected within 5 years. [1]

He has done some remarkable things in his life, and some slightly less remarkable things in his death. Not only created his voice [2] a horrible zombie in 1982, but it also created fear amongst the people. Wherever he went people felt a strange feeling when Vincent was near, people generally named it: Bloodanger. After his death he has been known to eeeeeaaaaaarrrrrggggggghhhh

The Sheer HORROR of his Birth and Early Life[edit | edit source]

Vincent was born in St Louis in Missouri. Oh, the horror, the screaming. It's not worth thinking about! Price was born into a fortune, supplied by his grandfather whose dessicated corpse the family kept hanging from a wall in the cellar who invented the iron maiden a new type of baking powder having strangled his business partner for the recipe.

Can you withstand the TERROR of his career?[edit | edit source]

Price went into the theatre and achieved modest success taking bloody revenge on all those critics who had criticised him. He later moved into film, being killed onscreen by Boris Karloff in Tower of London. In the 1950s he made House of Wax without the SHEER HORROR of starring alongside Paris Hilton, The Fly where he witnessed the TERRIFYING SPECTACLE of a man wearing a rubber fly-head and House on Haunted Hill where he played a man; in a house; on a HAUNTED HILL.

In the 1960s, he starred as self-styled "Bitchfinder General" Matthew Hopkins in the British horror film Bitchfinder General. In this film, set in the big-pimpin' 17th century, Hopkins wandered around the HORROR of civil war-torn England looking for fine bitches to pimp and fine booties to smack. Eventually, in a TERRIFYING finale, Hopkins is stabbed through the anus with his own pimping stick by Ian Ogilvy's insane Roundhead. Director Michael Reeves had wanted to make an "entirely unrealistic film about the era" and was furious that the studio made him cast Price when he'd been hoping for Danny Kaye instead.

By the 1970s, Price was one of Hollywood's top earners and took the starring role in films such as Theatre of Blood where he ran a theatre FULL OF BLOOD.

Price also narrated parts from his (still) unpublished secret biography Vincent Price is... the Thriller as a radio show entitled The Price of Fear with Vincent Price. In these shows he tells of the many CHILLING things which happened to him and people in his immediate social circle or UNSETTLING encounters he had with strange old men he met on trains or on long Atlantic crossings. However, in order to avoid having to help the police with their enquiries about the mysterious deaths of various upper-class hams, art collectors or "old friends" on the French Riviera or in mysterious New England locations it suited the various radio stations who broadcast these excerpts to pretend they were merely fictional.

There is a sad part in Price's life, when he EEEEEEEAAAAAARRRRRGGGGGGHHHHHH

In the latter part of his career he was sadly less in demand but still managed a few roles including rapping about "the souls all getting down!" on Michael Jackson's infamous horror single "Thriller" as well as a cameo role in a Tim Burton film where he played an inventor who created a man but HORROR OF HORRORS the man's HANDS WERE SCISSORS and he was played by Johnny Depp.

His DISTURBING Undeath[edit | edit source]

Although he was a vampire, he loved smoking too. And that was his weakness. One day in 1993 he decided to smoke in his coffin. As the smoke built up inside the coffin, he tried to open the coffin but couldn't! And actually he died. His last words were: 'Michael Jackson is the Thriller!' and 'Is this the Price I have to pay?' [3]

HORRIFYING Appearances in Popular Culture[edit | edit source]

Don McLean's song "Vincent" was all about Vincent Price. In the song, Don mentions the "starry starry night" (presumably the one looming over a terrifying Victorian mansion, or perhaps a graveyard) as well as singing "I could have told you, Vincent, the world was never meant for one as beautiful as you". That's fucked up.


an excerpt from a recent interview by the devil David Letterman

D: So Vincey, I've always wondered. What's with the mustache?

V: Whatever do you mean?

D: Well, apart from pedos, mustached men aren't very scary. And you aren't a pedo, You're the pimpin' king of funky town.

V: Really? what about Hitler?

D: Please he's a pussy. Mr. Umberstein

V: How do you know that name?

D: I'm the devil.

V: I don't care who you are...

D: what are you doing

V: I'm sorry my friend.

the Interview ends in gunshots

Footnotes[edit | edit source]

  1. Approximately 2012
  2. Which could doom people.
  3. Strange how people could have heard his last words, while he was in his coffin, quite scary actually.