Democratic Republic of the Congo

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
Jump to navigation Jump to search
Doctor Congo
The Other Congo
ZaireFlag.png TaklaHaymanot.png
Flag Coat of Arms
Motto: Viol, Guerre, Mort
Anthem: "Congo, not Bongo!"
Largest cityKongo
Official language(s)Malaria
National Hero(es)Robo-Leopold II, Mobutu, Arthur Weber, Luke Strauss BRAPPPP!!!!
ReligionCivil war
PopulationDwindling as we speak
Major exportsdeath, AIDS, Child soldiers
Major importscoffins, Um-Bongo
National animalVulture
Drives onNeither side, nobody has a car

The Democratic Republican Unionist States of National Commonwealth Kingdom take this Bride Imperial Empire Colony of Union of United Socialistic Sacrificial Justicified Holy Senate Province of States of the Republic Of Congo, also known as "The Country Formerly Known as Zaire", is a large African country currently located in Africa (or Zaire). Unlike the Republic of the Congo, the The Democratic Republic Of Congo (or Zaire) is Democratic. It is the happiest (or Zaire) and shiniest country on Earth (or Zaire). Nothing is wrong here (Zaire) at all.

Politics[edit | edit source]

The Democratic Republic Of Congo (or Zaire) is ruled by President Kaiba, who was elected in 2004 with a massive 96% of the popular vote (in Zaire). This was a very democratic election, with every male aged over 16 allowed to vote (or in Zaire). This was only President Kaalaaballaaiaa (of or Zaire) and his brother Maallaaaiaris. The reasoning for the 96% total from two votes is the current innumeracy rate, which stands at 126%. President Kaiba follows a fairly liberal policy (for the region) and has only executed 13,000,000 dissidents in the past month and a half. Vice President Mallaaaiaris is in overall charge of the military, but is generally loyal to his brother except for that time he tried to kill him. On November 27, 2006, he was confirmed as the first Congolese President to be democratically elected by universal direct suffrage. Direct suffrage (or sufferage) is the amount people in the Congo that have suffered directly.

Many immigrants from Ghana frequently visit the prosperous land of the Congo (or Zaire). They like to steal their crop and direct Red Cross lorries from the Congo to Ghana. The big fence does not stop the Ghanains from entering the Congo.

The Presidential role has been threatened by a band of animals living in the jungles of The Democratic Republic Of Congo (or Zaire). They insist that the lion is "King Of The Jungle" and must therefore rule the entire country. President Kabila insists that the lion can only have a ceremonial role in the government, to maintain its democratic status.

Demographics[edit | edit source]

At the last census, the total population of The Democratic Republic Of Congo (or Zaire) was counted as 3. Most international observers put this surprisingly low figure down to the aforementioned innumeracy rate. Of these three people, one was a black African male, one was a black African female and one was a lion (sex unknown). From these statistics, it would be estimated that 33.333% of country are male, 33.333% are female and 33.333% are transsexual online pedophiles.

One observer Mr Nelson Mandela has decreed that these statistics cannot be correct, as there are at least 5 monkeys in the jungle of The Democratic Republic Of Congo (or Zaire). He's seen them.

Geography[edit | edit source]

The entirety of The Democratic Republic Of Congo (or Zaire) is covered in a thick dense jungle, usually only seen cartoons or Tarzan. There might be hills and mountains and stuff, but no body can see because all the trees and plants get in the way.

Um Bongo AKA The Economy[edit | edit source]

The entire economy of the Democratic Republic Of Congo (or Zaire) relies on export and resale of popular fruit based fruit drink Um Bongo. This drink, beloved of British school children, was invented by a hippo. The hippo originally just used three fruits: apricot, guava, mango. After the drink got it's name thanks to a brilliant advertising executive rhino, more ingredients were suggested by a plethora of animals. For instance the python added a passion fruit, to suit his more reptilian tastes, and the marmoset added a mandarin, to increase levels of vitamin C. The marmoset was subsequently eaten by the python. Currently all packaging for Um Bongo is painted by a team of specially trained parrots.

Recently many animal rights douchebags have been complaining about the sweatshop conditions these assorted animals are forced to work in to create this delicious drink. Luckily President Kaalaaballaaiaa had them shot before they could cause any problems, and the entire country joined in rejoicing, one commenting "HAHA LOLZ!!!11!!".

Monarchy[edit | edit source]

The Congo's monarchy is headed by Chief Wombassa Obojo Del Um Bongo IV, who took over on the 1/2/08. His ruling has brought about the change of many laws and now allows people to walk on two legs again without running. Also the new airport has been named in his honor but budget cuts have meant that he had to choose between his name on the entrance and the construction of the airport runway. The Chief chose the name.Chief Wombassa Obojo Del Um Bongo IV lives with the rest of the Royal Congo family in the outskirts of the city of Chief Wombassa Obojo Del Um Bongo IV.

In other words, it is a delicious drink.

Military[edit | edit source]

Army[edit | edit source]

Not much is known about this army, but it is known that this army holds the world record of marathon-winners ever.

Navy[edit | edit source]

Sorry... No information about it, it sinks every time they try a new boat.

Airforce[edit | edit source]

Best army of paper planes in the world!

Diplomacy[edit | edit source]

Congo and Belgium have had some sort of relation in the past, and that explains a lot, actually.

It does...

After all, this is the nation that is a republic and a monarchy at the same time... Well, actually it's two republics, a German bit too small to be a republic and another piece no-one wants to be republic.

External links[edit | edit source]