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Poster from Tarzan's first campaign for Lord of the Apes

Tarzan (1897-1972?) is the nickname of John Clayton, Lord Greystoke. As a child, his parents were marooned by Africa. What's worse, they were in the most inhospitable part of Africa, the lost jungle beyond the Elephants' Graveyard, located in the rough triangle the lost city of Opar, King Solomon's Mine and Skull Cave. Tarzan is also rumored to be a character in the up and coming Jumanji 2.

This tract of jungle is well known as being the deadliest in the world, since it is full of every animal native to the African continent. For a start, the Lost Jungle has over two hundred lions per square mile, as well as eighty crocodiles, seventy elephants, one hundred and fifty pythons, four hundred apes and eighty three hippos. In addition, it is also home to several species that are not native to Africa, including boa constrictors, tigers, wolverines, kodiak bears, piranhas, giant carnivorous wombats and venomous shetland ponies.

Childhood[edit | edit source]

Tarzan's parents, being English aristocrats found life in the jungle difficult. Tarzan's father, though a qualified polo player and grouse hunter, was unable to find work in either of these occupations; while Tarzan's mother was also unable to find work in her field of making sandwiches and, making snide remarks about people. Not only that, they were constantly threatened by all of the dinosaurs, meerkats beluga whales, Graham Norton and whatnot. Realising that they were unable to support their only child, they put him up for adoption, and he was taken in by a couple of apes, who promised to raise him as their own.

Two years later, tragedy struck when Republicans took control of the African Senate, and reversed a law allowing ape couples to adopt. Tarzan's adoptive parents, Mr and Mrs Ker-Chak challenged the new law in the courts, eventually taking the matter all the way to the Supreme Court of Africa, eventually resulting in the law being overturned.

However, the strain of the long years of legal battle took their toll. The financial burden imposed by legal fees left the family destitute, a matter which was worsened when Mr. Ker-Chak's long absences from work at the monkey organ resulted in his dismisal. This combined with Mrs. Ker-Chak's incipient alcoholism to produce an unhappy climate for young Tarzan, who became moody and withdrawn. For hours, the lad would "oooh-ooooh and awww-awwww" at his reflection in local streams, suffering through a terrible bout of dark depression brought on by an identity crisis.

Adolescence[edit | edit source]

As a teenager, Tarzan attended Lost Jungle High School, where he struggled to fit in as the only human in school. His status as an awkward outsider eventually lead him seek acceptance amongst the gang of toughs known as 'The Elephants' lead by a greasy no-good punk named Tantor. The gang was known for all manner of petty crime, and Tarzan was soon helping his new friends, stealing toucans and spraying graffitti on rhinos. He enrolled in his school Shit Throwing Club. Scored well.

As time went on, Tarzan became more significant in the Elephants' organisation, becoming co-leader with Tantor and eventually becoming de-facto leader of the gang. This lasted until the day the Jungle Police caught him red handed vandalising a zebra. Young Tarzan was taken home, where the sight of his distraught parents howling and flinging feces in their distress deeply affected the young man, who resolved to give up his life of crime and get a job as an usher at the local quicksand pits.

Return to Crime[edit | edit source]

Tarzan stabs Numa, from a police artist's sketch

Tarzan remained on the right side of the law, until the following year when Tantor aproached him, asking him to rejoin the gang. The Elephants' position was threatened by a Puerto Rican gang called the Lions. Tarzan refused, but promised to keep an eye on the situation in case his help was needed.

It was at this time that Tarzan met and fell in love with Maria, sister of the Lion leader Numa. At Maria's request, Tarzan attempted to stop a fight between the Elephants and the Lions, but arrived just in time to see Numa stab Tantor. Blinded by rage, Tarzan stabbed Numa to death in a savage knife fight. Tarzan was then captured and hauled off to prison by Officer Krupke, and the curtain fell on the first act of Tarzan's life.

Intermission[edit | edit source]

The snack bar is now serving a variety of overpriced substandard foodstuffs that you'd normally pay to avoid eating, but which for some reason you're prepared to spend half your paycheck on when you're at the movies.

Redemption[edit | edit source]

Tarzan was tried as a minor, and as such avoided the chair, and was released in five years for good behaviour. Lacking skills or a career, he was unable to make a living, but his old schoolfriend, Cheetah, let him sleep on his sofa.

During this period, a soft-hearted police officer named Reilly, took Tarzan under his wing and began to mentor the young man. He felt that he could prove that Tarzan's deliquency came from the harsh jungle environment. His influence convinced Tarzan to undergo a series of aptitude tests which demonstrated that Tarzan was ideally suited to be a door to door vacuum salesman. Tarzan obtained a starter sales kit from the Obiwicki Vacuum Cleaner Corporation of Kenya. He began swinging from tree to tree with the demonstrator vacuum cleaner slung over his shoulder. However, after three months he had not been able to sell one vacuum cleaner so he returned the demonstration machine to the distributor and told his supervisor, "Me Quit! Vacuums suck!"

As luck would have it, soon after he met Jane Porter, an American social worker, who was on an expedition to find the Lost Valley of Delinquents. Lost, she chanced upon Tarzan, who immediately put on the smooth moves.

“Me Tarzan. You Jane. What Jane sign? Tarzan live jungle. Jane come here often? Jane's place, or Tarzan's?Jane want to see what under Tarzan's loin cloth? It big like Tantor's!”

~ Tarzan on Jane

When Cheetah came home that night, he saw one of Tarzan's socks tied to the doorknob, and knew that things were finally looking up for his friend. However, a huge quarrel ensued when Cheetah tried to talk Tarzan and Jane into a threesome.

Marriage[edit | edit source]

Tarzan and Jane lived together for a while, but their neighbours were highly religious and pressured them to marry (see picture).

'Don't worry. We are Church of Witchcraft not the Born Again bunch'.

After the wedding, cracks began to form in their relationship. Jane demanded that Tarzan show some ambition; Tarzan protested that he'd just been promoted to senior hunter/gatherer, with the potential to become Deputy H/G Undermanager once the Wild Man of Borneo retired. But Jane had loftier goals in mind for her husband. She wanted him to go into politics, to become Lord of the Apes!

Political Career[edit | edit source]

Tarzan's political career got off to a rocky start, since the only political party in the rainforest was the Greens. 'Save the rainforest,' one politician would cry, only for his opponent to reply 'My colleague he is avoiding the issue! What is really important is that we save the rainforest!' As such Tarzan, with his slogan 'Save the Rainforest' found it hard to differentiate himself from other political aspirants.

Legislature[edit | edit source]

Tarzan was a popular leader, known for his proactive anti-poaching, pro-rockdiving and anti-pronoun views. He was also known for his controversial pro-bestiality position. However, his plan to improve government services without raising taxes by 'plundering the Lost Jewels of Kukuanaland' was criticised as 'impractical', and he lost his seat in the legislature soon after revealing it.

However, it was at an airport near Victoria Falls that Tarzan's real political downfall began. Arrested for lewd conduct the following transcript of the embarrassing arrest interview was released to the public:

Officer: Do you understand these rights as they have been presented to you.

Tarzan: Tarzan understand. Tarzan not stupid, not funny-boy.

Officer: I don't care about your sexual orientation.

Tarzan: You say Tarzan's foot tapped yours. Tarzan just do monkey stomp in bathroom to shake poop out of buttocks.

Officer: Did you hand reach under the stall?

Tarzan: Tarzan just picking up leaf from floor to clean buttocks.

Officer: Sir, you are embarrassing yourself.

Tarzan: Tarzan not funny boy! Tarzan resent implications. Tarzan just tap foot. Tarzan love Jane.''

The embarrassing transcript was the last nail in the coffin of what had once been a promising political career. Tarzan left politics in a quandary, wondering what he would do to provide for his family.

Film Career[edit | edit source]

Irritated at this turn, Jane convinced Tarzan to move to Hollywood, where he was to make public service films to convince troubled youngsters not to turn to crime as he had. Tarzan played himself in over thirty films, including Dead End (of the Jungle), Jungle Blackboard, The Wild Life, Easy Rhino, Angels with Dirty Faces Because they Fell in the Quicksand, and Rebel Without a Pair of Pants.

Originally intended as simple morality plays, the series became more lurid and exploitative over time. Jane, who had become co-producer of the series, became increasingly distant, and Tarzan whiled away his spare time playing cards and drinking with his Hollywood friends the Lone Ranger, Flash Gordon and the Frankenstein Monster.

When the Lone Ranger was given his long awaited chance to make his debut as a director, he cast Tarzan in the lead role in The Man Who Stabbed Liberty Valance then Beat his Chest and Yodelled. In it, Tarzan played an idealistic young African lawyer, who must join forces with a gunslinger (Frankenstein) to defeat a vicious bandit (Gordon). The reviews were all positive, and Tarzan won the Oscar for Best Actor (Shirtless).

With oscars in hand, Tarzan returned to the studio and turned out a number of blockbuster films that were almost universally panned by the critic but hits at the boxx office. These films included: Jungle Fever," "Bungle in the Jungle," "The King of the Apes and I," "The Silence of the Apes," "Dances with Apes," and the unforgettable Driving Ms. Monkey.

Finally, Tarzan was given the Oscar nomination for his role as a injured apeman in Legends of the Fall. The film began with Tarzan missing a vine and Tarzan ably portrayed an embittered ape man who just wanted to end his own life. Ironically, critics raved about his performance, but the oscar went to Brendon Frasier for a role Tarzan turned down because he felt he was being type cast. Frasier won the best actor award for his role in George of the Jungle.

Following his failure to procure the oscar, Tarzan went on a booze and amphetemine bender. When he awoke, he found himself a prisoner in a Dallas prison cell, accused of knifing John F. Kennedy as his motorcade passed through Deally Plaza. To this day, Tarzan protests his innocence. "Tarzan see Lone knifeman on grassy knoll."

Death Defying Escape[edit | edit source]

Things looked grim for our hero, but when Jack Ruby attempted to kill him by throwing huge boa constrictors at him in a carpark he was able to escape, while his police captors (less adept than himself at fighting deadly carnivours) were crushed, eaten, and digested over a period of months. Tarzan headed for the Cliffs of Dallas, and dove into the raging waters of the Atlantic Ocean, and swam for Africa and Freedom!

Jane followed by airplane.

The Rumble in the Jungle[edit | edit source]

Tarzan arrived home in Africa, wet, bedraggled but victorious. He immediately began beating his chest whilst yodelling and ullulating simultaniously, a feat that has not been replicated since. He was warmly welcomed by his old political allies, who knew all two well that Lost Jungle voters hated JFK as much as they loved Westerns. The advised him to run for Lord of the Apes in the upcoming poll.

However, all was not well for Tarzan. The CIA had determined to get revenge on Tarzan for assassinating JFK before they got the chance to. And so they sent to Africa the one man capable of besting Tarzan hand-to-hand - Muhummed Ali. Prior to the battle, the two taunted each other through the media:

“I'll be floating like a butterfly and stinging like a bee”

~ Muhammad Ali on the Rumble in the Jungle

“Tarzan float like... uh... zeppelin and sting like... uh... different zeppelin”

~ Tarzan on the Rumble in the Jungle

“I'll beat him so bad, he'll need a shoehorn to put his hat on.”

~ Muhammad Ali on Tarzan

“Tarzan beat loudmouth black man.”

~ Tarzan on Muhammed Ali

And so the great battle began, the two greatest fighters on Earth faced each other within the boxing ring, armed only with their wits and their guts and nunchucks. The fight went on for over two hundred rounds, and sounds of the punches could be heard as far away as Friedsrichshaffen. Though Tarzan started out strong, he began trailing in the hundred and fiftieth round, and was visibly tiring by round two hundred. All seemed lost for Tarzan when Ali made a serious tactical error by flinging a punch so powerful that it shattered the boundries between dimensions, creating a trans-temporal rift that sucked him into a parallel universe. Tarzan recovered from his injuries and was dully elected Lord of the Apes, whilst Ali went on to lead the resistance in a universe in which the Axis won World War II.

Lord of the Apes[edit | edit source]

Tarzan was horrified to learn that the office of Lord of the Apes was largely cerimonial, and involved little more than opening and closing sessions of parliament, and greeting foreign dignitaries. When his term expired, he did not seek reelection.

He retired to the depths of the jungle to practice his stabbing. He is thought to have died in 1972. He was survived by his two sons, Korak, Son of Tarzan, and Boy.

See Also[edit | edit source]