Wolverine
The word wolverine refers to an animal, and also to a strangely-coiffed artificially-produced hamburger hero with great savage teeth and bulging crotch-muscles. The article to hand deals first with the animal and second with its eponymous hero.
Background[edit | edit source]
The Legendary Fur-bearer[edit | edit source]
Wolverines are descended from giant ground sloths, with the earliest fossil records dating from the Old Oolitic Silurian epoch. They are genetically related to polar bears, pandas, and Brigham Young.
Living in the frozen custard forests of the Canadian Arctic, wolverines prey on almost anything they can subdue. Pouncing on a helpless huckleberry or willow shrub, inserting their penis to create a split cell.
Reproductive Cycle[edit | edit source]
The reproductive cycle of the wolverine is different from any other animal. The female is born without a sex-drive. Actually they are born with an 'anti' sex-drive, if you will. Their goal is to NOT have sex . The male on the other hand has one, actually he has twice that of a normal mammal. In order for the male wolverine to carry on the species, he must subdue the female for reproduction. The females usually travel in packs in order to avoid the males, but sometimes, a female is left stranded. At this point, the female has lost, a male will soon come.
At birth, the wolverine tries to eat its mother for sustenance. If the baby wins, it is fit to survive and won't starve, if it loses, it is left for dead.
They are famous for their endurance, their savagery, and their singing. Trappers of the north tell many a tale about the wolverine. For instance, Francois "Stumpy" Arquebois relates the following:
The cold that winter was deadly. I was running my trapline a hundred kilometres from civilization. Mon Dieu, I had not had a full-body massage in many days. It was so bad...Very bad. I had no more vanilla-hazelnut coffee and was reduced to tucking a chaw of Sanka inside my lip each morning. Can you imagine!
One morning I stumbled from my cabin in the pitch darkness. Hardly possible to see my trapline but a blizzard had kept me pinned down for a week and I knew I must check the traps. In a daze I staggered through the powdery snow, whining to myself in my native language, Portuguese.
Suddenly I felt a blow upon my ankle. I had stepped in one of my own traps! I shrieked like a schoolgirl from the excruciating pain, and fell backward into the snow.
Then out of the gloom a horrible form took shape. A wolverine, a huge male fully fifteen centimetres from snout to tail! With a flute-like whistle he sprang upon my leg and sank his savage teeth into my flesh.
Mercifully, I fainted. When I awoke I found that the beast had gnawed my trapped leg off just below the knee. Whimpering to myself in Albanian, I crawled back to my cabin and dressed the wound as best I could. Fortunately I was able to fly my helicopter to a hospital without incident.
I have seen an animal chew its own leg off to free itself from a trap, but this is the only time I have heard of an animal chewing off a trapper's leg. The wolverine is beastly beyond imagining.'
The Indians of the far north used wolverine fur to line their yarmulkas, believing it prevented ice-cream headaches when drinking frozen treats like salmon-liver slushies and caribou-eyeball malteds.
The Legendary Superhero[edit | edit source]
Wolverine is arguably the most famous Canadian after The Shat-Man, and for similar reasons. They both periodically save Earth, both help run a school for superpowered Canadian children in Vancouver, and both spend a lot of time thinking about their hair. In Wolverine's case, it was his tuque-head that gave him his nasty temper. And his temper, in turn, eventually resulted in his growing metallic Cuisinarts between his fingers. The origins of Wolverine's superpowers are uncertain, but he is alleged to have acquired them by surviving, at a very early age, an anal ravishing by an actual wolverine that been exposed to radiation. In addition to his superpowers, this episode conferred on Wolverine a nasty temper and superhuman body odor. Wolverine has a big dick and knows how to use it, ahem Rogue.
Like his totemic animal, Wolverine suffers from being French-Canadian, which means he speaks an incomprehensible mixture of French, English, and Czechoslovakian, and lives on a diet of cheap cigarettes and Pepsi. This makes him popular with the girls, although none of the other boys can quite understand how that works. He has had more romantic relationships than the rest of the world's male superheroes combined, except Northstar. He has also killed more people than anyone except Vin Diesel and Robot Danny DeVito. However, Robot Danny DeVito and Vin Diesel had just killed each other at the time of this writing, giving Logan a chance to "go for the gold" in his event of choice -- brutal bladed murder -- an event that Logan describes himself to be "the best at" when he does what he does; for when the doing is done.
Wolverine was born Glen Danzig in 1832, but changed his name to Logan, after his real biological father's barber. Psychologically, however, he took after his psychotic and suicidal mother, who had an affair and cheated on her husband to give birth to Wolverine. He earned his nickname Wolverine because of his tuque-head hairdo and his French-Canadian attitude and speaking accent.
He first became popular in Canada when he lead Canadian Forces in WWI and WWII, slaying many Germans each time around.
Weapon-X[edit | edit source]
He was picked for the historic Weapon-X Project because he chose an alternative lifestyle of hard fighting, hard drinking, hard candy, and hard knocks. But the Project made him a nutter with false memory implants. He also received a false, er, naughty-bit implant. This latter made him a prime candidate for the X-Men...a group of super powered and depressed teenagers, although Wolverine was at least 100 years old. He only looked young, due to Peter Pan Syndrome: refusing to grow up. It was later learned that Wolverine himself was behind the Weapon-X Program and that it was his idea, along with the fake memory implants and everything else in Wolverine #312 by order of Jeph Loeb. He already was a nutter before the program, and used the program to make himself think he was tortured into becoming a nutter. He also found out he was more than 100 years old, and by refusing to grow up and staying in Never Never Land he was able to stay young and get nookie from young red headed women his entire life.
X-Men[edit | edit source]
Wolverine became known as the perpetually angry and disgruntled member of the X-Men. He kept to himself and sulked in corners, drank more than a few beers, and did some wicked weed to drown his sorrows. This behavior gained the televised version of Wolverine a lot of popularity in the teenage ratings.
Wolverine was replaced with a Cylon named Fat Albert at a time when Wolverine was holding out for more money and a faster car before renewing his contract with the X-Men. However after the fall of the Cylons Wolverine returned to earth and killed his doppelganger, however not before it somehow impregnated Ms. Gray.
Wolverine thought he had killed his arch rival Sabertooth once and for all, later learning it was a clone made by Romulus who he thought was behind the Weapon-X program. After meeting up with Remus the red haired twin sister of Romulus, she revealed to Wolverine that big hairy mutants with claws and healing factors are more common and that he is over a thousand years old and Romulus and her are older than that. After fighting Remus Wolverine went after her twin brother Romulus in promise of killing him, only to learn that Romulus had a Weapon-X tank to put vibranium in his bones and claws guarded by Sabertooth. After beating Sabertooth, Wolverine faced Romulus only to learn that his entire life had indeed been a lie of fake memory implants and that the Weapon-X program was Wolverine's idea including the fake memory implants that turned him into a nutter. That Romulus was his great great great grandfather, and that these mutants with wolf like abilities of claws and healing factors and whatnot of nutter problems and fake memory implants are his family. The shock made Wolverine such a nutter that he joined The Republican Party of the USA, and put his support behind Mitt Romney for US President in 2012, and then joined Bane Capital for some Corporate Raiding to downsize jobs. After a few years passed he came to his senses and rejoined the X-Men and went back to the Democratic Party to support the legalization of marijuana and gay marriage.
Termination from X-men[edit | edit source]
During 2008 while supporting the Republicans Wolverine was signed into a movie deal discussing his origins. After explaining his tragic childhood, Hollywood decided it was boring and came up with a fictionalized version. The Film flopped and the X-men were so disgusted by the film, Professor X was forced to terminate Wolverine. Police were called to the home to remove him, but they instead reported the X-Men's location and the whole team was attacked by Sentinels, most of them were killed. Wolverine in question escaped and fled back to Hollywood to seek other acting deals. He found a job as a robot boxing manager in "Real Steel". In 2012 he rejoined the Republican Party again to support Romney after discovering that he himself Wolverine was behind the Weapon-X program with fake memory implants, and it made him even more of a nutter to rejoin the Republican party.
A few years later he rejoined the X-Men and Hollywood fearing losing the rights to the Wolverine and X-Men characters made yet another series of movies to keep the movie rights. You see a deal with Marvel/Disney stated that if they didn't make movies in a certain amount of time, the rights would go back to Marvel/Disney.
So Fox, decided on a series of Wolverine and X-Men movies. "Wolverine 2: Electric Bogaloo" was about Wolverine coming to terms with his fake memory implants and adamatium skeleton and claws that made him weigh half a ton, and he made a living by break dancing in the 1980's after he couldn't make a living disco dancing in the 1970's. "X-Men: Second Class" was made and he was cast in the role as himself after not being able to make it in break dancing he was recruited by the X-Men to be a janitor while Cyclops, Marvel Girl, Iceman, Beast, Angel, and Professor-X formed their original team of teenage mutants as they fought "Magneto and his League of Evil Psychotic Nutter Not so Teenage Mutants" including The Blob, Mystique, The Toad, Unus the Anal Retentive, and some supermodel from Brazil in a skimpy bikini who had the mutant ability to become a distraction. The films did not do very well as they didn't follow the comic books very closely and the scripts were written in about 3 days time by crack-smoking monkeys as was usual in Hollywood at the time.
Logan's Run[edit | edit source]
According to Marvel Comics guru Mike Pfeiffer, "I would totally have toasty man-sex with that character." In 1957 Wolverine and a few other X-men were involved in an incident that's later been largely covered up by the gov'mint. What is known is that there was a lot of running, laser blasters, bubbing, and girls in swimsuits floating in the air involved.
Four Horsemen[edit | edit source]
Finally, a shape shifting Skrull replaced Wolverine, and Wolverine took up a job as Death (one of the Four Horsemen, a retro-rock group of the '80s). In the Four Horsemen Wolvy played rhythm guitar and sang backup. He intended to use the music of the Horsemen to get revenge on the X-Men... but his arch-enemy Sabretooth released an album of banjo covers that skyrocketed to the top of the charts and destroyed Logan's chances at rock glory. "Snikt, bub?" Logan was overheard to say. Soon after, he said something about being the best at something, but Sabretooth was the one holding a platinum record, so you do the math.
Anyway, Wolverine basically got his mind messed with yet again, and became a 'tweener: a super-powered bestial animal with a makeup fetish who switches from being a good guy to a bad guy, and then back again. This gained him even more popularity on the television show Four Hoarse X-Men On David Letterman Tonight Presents, and even the superhero Tom Cruise (superpower: rubberized eyebrows) was jealous of all the attention that Wolverine got.
Professional Wrestling?[edit | edit source]
Some individuals contend that Wolverine is still in the public eye, and barely disguised at that. They refer to Canadian wrestler Chris Benoit, who bills himself as "The Rabid Wolverine." Supporters of this theory point out several striking similarities between the two, such as being Canadian, wearing ridiculous multi-colored Spandex, and speaking in absurd, drunken sounding accents. These supporters theorize that Wolverine was at some point bitten by a rabid animal, filling him with even greater rage and an obsession with capturing the United States Championship. Sceptics, however, point out that the real Wolverine could not have so few teeth.
Finally[edit | edit source]
And there matters stand: Tom Cruise is a load of bullshit, the X-Men annoyed, the Weapon-X Project disheartened, Wolverine is drunk again, the teenagers are all angsty, Crystal Storm has an acne attack, and the Four Horsemen drummer is dead of a heroin overdose. As Mao "Redbook" Tse-Tung said, "There is great confusion on Earth and the situation is excellent."
Suspected Wolverines[edit | edit source]
- Danzig
- P. Diddy
- Condoleezza Rice
- Billy The Garden Gnome
- Britney Spears
- Osama bin Cuddles
- T.S. Eliot
- Hillary Clinton
- Big Jim Dizzle
- Luke Skywalker/Mark Hamill
- Dave Mustaine (at least HE was raised by them)
Remember that Hugh Jackman does not count whatsoever. He is too tall to be a Wolverine.
