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UnScripts:X-Men Origins: Wolverine

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X-Men Origins: Wolverine

Gavin -
Here is the script you requested. This movie is going to make us all so much money!! We're ejaculating all over each other just thinking about it.
We were going to read the comic books or watch the movies or something, but then we thought to ourselves, you know, we're sure we can write better stuff than that anyway. We wrote Troy, and that was awesome. One tequila bender was all it took to write a way better Iliad than that Homer asshole. That movie made so much money! So we figured we'd use the same technique here.
You're gonna love this. See, we know all the tricks of the trade, like, whenever a character enters, another character should say "Look at what the cat just dragged in." Audiences love that shit. Do comic book writers know about that line? We don't know, but we doubt it! We also had this hilarious idea where Wolverine could pull in two of his claws so it looks like he's flipping someone off. We bet that's never been done before!
But look at us, going on and on, when you've got a script to read. Enjoy!
Your friends,
David and Skip.

Scene 1: Colonial America


A typical farmhouse somewhere in America. Wolverine is a sickly little boy laying in a bed.

Wolverine: I'm sick.
Sabertooth: Someone just shot your father.
Wolverine: WHAT?? Hey, look at that, I'm no longer sick!

Cute little bone claws extend from Wolverine's hands. He stabs an unintroduced character.

Unintroduced character: Gaaaah! Wait! I was your real father!

The unintroduced character falls over and dies, eliminating the need to introduce him.

Sabertooth: Hey, that was my father, too! I guess that makes us brothers!
Wolverine: Really?
Sabertooth: Yep!
Wolverine: You, Sabertooth, are my brother?
Sabertooth: Yep!
Wolverine: Really?? Sabertooth is my fucking brother?
Sabertooth: Yep!
Wolverine: Let's go fight in some wars!
War montage time!

Wolverine and Sabertooth fight in the Civil War.

Wolverine and Sabertooth fight in World War 1.

Wolverine and Sabertooth fight in World War 2.

Wolverine and Sabertooth fight in the Vietnam War.

Wolverine: I'm sick of fighting in this war montage!

Major Stryker walks in out of nowhere.

Stryker: Want to join a special force of mutants?
Wolverine: I am conflicted. See, I am basically a good man, but I have done horrible things, like that time seven seconds ago when I fought in the Vietnam War. I have a dark and terrible past, in that I was a soldier. But, sure, a special force of mutants sounds fun.

Scene 2: Africa

Remember that scene from the Matrix with the guns and the wires? Let's do that again!

A bunch of mutants are standing around.

Agent Zero: Watch me fly around on wires pretending to shoot a thousand bullets a minute with just two semi-automatic pistols! Wasn't that cool? Okay, I'm done.
Dumb Guy with Tattoo: Watch me stick my thumb in a tank and blow it up! Wasn't that cool? Okay, I'm done.
Deadpool: Watch me defy the laws of physics by swinging swords around so fast they block bullets! Wasn't that cool? Okay, I'm done.
Wolverine: Even though we killed absolutely no civilians, and basically just danced around on wires like Charlie's Angels or something, I consider this mission to be part of my horrible, tragic past. I'm going to go be Canadian for a while.
Stryker: 'K, seeya!

Scene 3: Canada

And then the moon was all like, "Gumboobabeeboo, come back to me!" Wait, are you getting off on this?

Canada. You know it's Canada because it has lots of pine trees.

Wolverine: Ah, this is the life. It's almost like my character was intended to be Canadian or something.
Wolverine's girlfriend: What?
Wolverine: What?
Wolverine's girlfriend: Oh, nothing. So anyway, once, there was a guy named Gumboobabeeboo who fell in love with the moon. But then a trickster showed up and said "Hey, Gumboobabeeboo, you should go to the Earth!" So he did, but then he realized he couldn't actually get to the moon. The moral of this story is that Gumboobabeeboo means "Wolverine" in some exotic language.
Wolverine: Um...... k. I guess the fact that I didn't just cut your head off for saying something so fucking stupid should indicate to everyone that I love you very much.
Wolverine's girlfriend: Well, I thought it was poetic.
Wolverine: Yeah... it was about as poetic as the time Anakin tried to seduce Queen Amidala by comparing her to the opposite of sand, in that sand is rough and she is not.
Wolverine's girlfriend: Fine, be that way. I'm going out.

Sabertooth jumps out from behind a dumpster or something and fucking kills Wolverine's girlfriend.


Stryker jumps out from behind a dumpster or something and fucking addresses Wolverine.

Stryker: Want some metal claws so you can kill your brother?

Scene 4: Secret Weapons Lab

How can I ever get to the Olympics if I have to practice the Butterfly in the bathtub??
Wolverine: Funny, this secret weapons lab looks completely different than it did in X-Men 2.
Stryker: What?
Wolverine: What?
Stryker: Never mind. Get in the tank.
Wolverine: Okay, but before I do, I want you to make me some dog tags that say "Wolverine," after some idiotic shit my girlfriend said once.

Wolverine gets in the tank. Some scientists pump metal into his body. Wolverine dies.

Stryker: Well, I guess we killed him.
Scientist: Yes, we didn't think that out very well.
Stryker: Holy shit! His heart just started beating again!

Everyone stares at the heart monitor.

Scientist: Jesus Christ, this is a lot of tension!
Stryker: No one watching this could possibly have any idea whether Wolverine is going to live or die!

Wolverine lives.

Stryker: Whew. Now, erase his memory.

Wolverine runs away somehow.

Scene 5: Iowa, maybe?

Duhhhh... stop looking at my Big Gulp. Let's fight for no reason!

Wolverine is naked, on a farm.

Wolverine: Whew, I could have sworn I'd have lost my memory due to the trauma of having Adamantium fused to my skeleton, but it turns out I still have it.
Some old farmer: What?
Wolverine: What?
Some old farmer: You're naked. I shall clothe you.
Wolverine: You are a very nice man.

Agent Zero bursts out of fucking nowhere and kills the old farmer.


Wolverine flips around on some wires and kills Agent Zero.

Wolverine: Now I'm going to go get revenge on Stryker and Sabertooth. I'll begin by going to a gym!

Wolverine goes to the gym. There is a fat guy and a teleporting guy there.

Wolverine: Hey guys.
Fat guy: Let's fight!

They have a fight. Wolverine wins. Wolverine man.

Fat guy: There's a guy in New Orleans who can help you find Stryker and Sabertooth.
Wolverine: Okay.
Teleporting guy: Can I come?
Wolverine: Okay.

Scene 6: New Orleans

Gambit: Welcome to New Orleans.
Wolverine: You sure don't sound like you're from New Orleans.
Gambit: What?
Wolverine: What?

Gambit dances around on wires for a couple minutes, looking stupid and throwing the seven of diamonds at Wolverine. Sabertooth shows up and kills the teleporting guy.

Teleporting guy: Shit, I died.
Gambit: Want to go to Three Mile Island?
Wolverine: Okay.

Scene 7: Three Mile Island

Now that we're on Three Mile Island, let's do some pointless cameos!

Three Mile Island. It has nuclear reactors on it and stuff. Wolverine walks into a room containing Stryker, Sabertooth, and Wolverine's girlfriend.

Stryker: Look at what the cat just dragged in.
Wolverine's girlfriend: Hey, Wolverine!

Wolverine looks surprised.

Wolverine: WHAT THE FUCK?
Wolverine's girlfriend: Oh, yeah, Sabertooth and I conspired to trick you into thinking I was dead so that Stryker could turn you into a secret weapon so he could then use that data to make another secret weapon and then use that new and improved secret weapon to kill all of us, including you, the secret weapon who he originally made.
Wolverine: ...
Wolverine's girlfriend: So... yeah. Why are you looking at me that way?
Wolverine: That... is the dumbest thing I've ever heard. That sounds like the plot of some retarded M. Night Shyamalan movie or something. Not one of his earlier works, either. The later ones, where he was reallllly reaching.
Sabertooth: Well, it's what we did. So, do I get paid now?
Stryker: No.
Sabertooth: Then I'll fucking kill Wolverine's girlfriend for real!

Sabertooth attacks Wolverine's girlfriend.

Wolverine: Oh, no you don't!

Wolverine beats Sabertooth up, pins him to the ground, and prepares to kill him.

Wolverine's girlfriend: No, don't kill him!
Wolverine: Okay, I won't. I guess this proves that my character has really, you know, developed since I did all those horrible things in my tragic past, like fighting in the Vietnam War.

Sabertooth gets up and runs away.

Wolverine's girlfriend: Thanks for saving me!
Wolverine: No problem. I'm really pretty pissed off at you, but I love you. I guess I must have liked your retarded moon story after all, since that was pretty much the only time we did anything to suggest in any way at all that we had any kind of emotional bond. But I had that moon story all wrong. I thought you were the moon and Stryker was the trickster, but it turns out that I was the wolverine, and you were the trickster, and the moon was... well, it's not a perfect analogy.
Wolverine's girlfriend: What?
Wolverine: What?
Stryker: Everyone shut the fuck up! Here comes the boss fight!

Deadpool bursts out of fucking nowhere. He has no mouth.

Deadpool: ...
Sabertooth: Let's fight him together!
Wolverine: Okay!

They win.

Enter Cyclops and Professor X.


Exit Cyclops and Professor X.

Stryker: I just invented a new way to erase Wolverine's memory by shooting him in the head!

Stryker shoots Wolverine in the head. Wolverine's girlfriend dies for some reason, but before she dies, she hypnotizes Stryker into leaving. Wolverine wakes up.

Wolverine: Huh? Where am I?
Gambit: Do you know where you are?
Wolverine: I just said I didn't.
Gambit: Do you at least know who you are?
Wolverine: NO! You aren't being helpful at all!
Gambit: Sorry. I just wanted to be in the final scene of this movie.
Wolverine: What?
Gambit: What?

THE END... really?

Ha! You wish! We're gonna need to warm up the audience for the extremely necessary sequels/spin-offs, right?
Now check this out! We got two different post-credits scenes!

Deadpool's hand reaches out to pick up his severed head.

The head opens its eyes and looks at the audience.

Deadpool: You saw nothing, got that!
A random bar in Japan.
Wolverine: So I guess this sequel is based on that four-issue limited series by Claremont and Miller.
Barmaid: What?
Wolverine: What?
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