Fantastic Four (2015 film)
| "S4y th4t 4g4in" | |
|---|---|
 | |
| Directed by | Josh Tr4nk |
| Starring | Wh4t's-his-n4me off th4t thing |
Production companies | Nobody C4res, Inc. |
| Distributed by | 44th Century 4ox |
Release date | 4ugust 4, 2015 |
| Budget | $4,444,444 4orbillion |
| Box office | $4 |
| IMDb page | link |
“Welp, there goes 2 hours of my life.. I have no idea what I just watched!”
Fant4stic is a 2015 2-hour trailer masquerading as a sorry excuse of a superhero film, directed by an egomaniac and alleged to be based on Fantastic Four. According to 20th Century Fox, it is a rehash of the mediocre 2005 film of the same name. In truth, no one really knows what this particular 2-hour blob is, but if categorized as a superhero film, it is considered one of the superhero films of all time.
Plot[edit | edit source]
The film opens with the number "4" appearing on-screen, then all over the place. Or something.
In some random country in what appears to be the 1960s, yet some time in the future, some four people blow something up, and there's this moving crash test dummy who... **yawn**
And now there's all these random shapes on the screen and I have no idea how we got here, fire or something..
**snoring noises**.. Homer Simpson... **snoring noises** Iron Man.. but he's somehow the bad guy.. **snoring noises** terrible Star Wars movies.. **snoring noises** Oh God, not the terrible version of Deadpool! Get it away! Get it away.. **snoring noises**
..huh, what, honey? Oh the movie's over? Are you asking me what was going on in the movie? Babe, I have no idea what was going on, I think I fell asleep at the beginning.. Oh, you did too? Well, that was a nice nap with some white noise. Wish we didn't just waste 30 dollars apiece for these IMAX tickets and overpriced popcorn I just spilled on our laps.
Cast[edit | edit source]
- Miles Teller as Mr. Fantastic
- Kate Mara as the Invisible Woman
- Michael B. Jordan as the Human Torch
- Jamie Bell as the Thing
- Toby Kebbell as Crash Test Doomy
- Homer Simpson as the teacher
Production[edit | edit source]
The film's production was hastily rushed so that Fox could cash in without Tim Story involved. They hired Josh Trank, some hotshot one-hit-wonder director, to direct a "reimagined reboot" of the Fantastic Four. Trank, a big Michael Bay and Zack Snyder wannabe with none of the heart or talent and 4 times the ego, prepared by watching a quarter of Snyder's "deconstructive" Watchmen only consisting of the "cool parts" before "getting to work to outdo both Bay and Snyder with 4 times the gloominess and 44 4-billion times the explosions."
Homer was hastily cast as Reed’s teacher since Fox owned The Simpsons.
The film’s production was so terrible and Trank was so lazy and combative that Fox execs refused to grant him his originally mandated 4-hour run time and fought over the final cut.[1] Trank was drunk on set and merely pretended to film all the footage, playing with his action figures instead, until resorting to AI to complete the film.
Analysis[edit | edit source]
According to Trank, he had this to say:
“Yeah so 4 is a "bad number" in China so it's an "anti-Communist movie" but there are dreamlike sequences in the movie but the Fant4stic 4 are American heroes and they scare the Chinese and so i heard from test audiences [incoherent] yeah they keep telling me its boring and they keep falling asleep and so im like 'Hey why don't I put some risqué shit in here' so im thinking [incoherent] and boobies man and i always liked to see explosions and man im kinda hungry i wanna get some chicken and beef and ramen [incoherent] why dont we just make our characters look like that man and you know what why don't i make this a top secret weapon man for like the CIA or some shit man and [incoherent] because I'm Josh the Tranq maaan!”
Upon rewatching the movie, we could not verify any coherent plot or find any themes whatsoever. In fact, we all fell asleep again trying to parse through it. Our expert film critics simply had this to say: "the movie sucks and doesn't make any damn sense! Trank was heavily inebriated and high on heroin when he made this movie."
The CIA, MI6, FSB, United Nations Security Council, and People's Liberation Army Secret Service released a joint statement publicly disavowing any ties to the film, simply stating, "Despite the film's horrifically bad side effects, this is not a secret weapon used by us, nor any government agency on the planet. Simply put, the film fucking sucks balls [sic]."
Reception[edit | edit source]
“You call this 'Bold 4nd Br4sh?' I'd rather say this film 'belongs in the tr4sh!'”
The film was widely hated by the entire world. It is considered a terrorist attack on the film industry and was so boring that 99.9% of audiences fell into a coma trying to understand what was going on. The fans who somehow managed to stay awake throughout the entire thing were deeply appalled by the Thing looking like a Popeye’s Chicken tender from Little Nicky and for being a public flasher with more wardrobe malfunctions than Janet Jackson. Sadly, they have either committed Hakiri or been confined to the insane asylum due to severe PTSD from seeing the terrible CGI and overload of the number 4.
Aside from one horny critic who enjoyed the "punny sex scene" between Mr. Fantastic and Invisible Woman in which he said "You w4nn4 h4ve some 4-pl4y?" and then proceeded to "4ornicate" all over the place, to which she replied "th4t w4s 4org4smic," every other critic absolutely hated the film.
All the actors involved with the "film" have since disowned it and resorted to binge-drinking to forget about it. Trank, who was last seen homeless on the street, lamented that "no one got his genius cinematic masterpiece" and that if only they watched his "director's cut", they would understand. Unfortunately, no additional footage exists, making this moot. It is rumored that Trank has been committed to an insane asylum since his last sighting.
This film bombed so hard it bankrupted Fox, made Rupert Murdoch ragequit the film business, and led to him selling the entire movie studio to Disney to focus entirely on making Faux News.
Every government organization on the planet has considered classifying this film as a bioweapon due to its ability to put everybody dumb enough to watch it asleep or cause those unlucky to stay awake to melt their brains and eyes. They ultimately declined to do so as would have earned it a spot in a hidden Area 51 bunker next to the Ark of the Covenant and given Trank too much credit. Therefore, the film remains streamable on Disney+ for unsuspecting audiences. We're just warning ya!
See also[edit | edit source]
Notes[edit | edit source]
- ↑ As a slap to Trank's face, that 4-hour runtime was later granted to the Snyder Cut of Justice League
