Madame Web

Madame Web
1st Movie Poster (unreleased)
Directed by	A mental hospital reject
Produced by	A drunk person
Screenplay by	Screen play? I should hope so
Starring	A whole lot of stupid people desperate for a paycheck
Music by	Some irritating sounds
Cinematography	A half-blind celery stalk
Distributed by	Sony (fuck)
Release date	March 14, 2024
Running time	Wayyyy too long
Country	Merica'
Language	"English"
Budget	$190-165 million
Box office	Ⓜ6.2 morbillion

Madame Web is a Spiderman spinoff film that was released in 2024 on Valentine's Day. Based on an some comic that may or may not exist, Madame Web features the girl from 50 Shades of Grey as the titular Madame Web, the female counterpart (maybe) to Spiderman. Except, this time she is blind, and in a wheelchair, and can't actually do anything spider related at all! Madame Web also stars a trio of girls who don't do anything, and are totally meaningless except for the fact that one of them is Sydney Sweeney! Hooray for big honkers.

Madame Web came into fruition in 2022 following the "success" of Sony's Venom, Venom 2: Venom Harder, and Morbius. The suits up at Sony knew what people wanted next was a movie that followed the storyline of a regular New York City resident who liked to get it on with spiders. While this original plan was scrapped and sent off to another site, the film was rewritten to become the film that it is today.

Upon release, Madame Web has been given the status as "Film of All Time," and taking the place of Morbius as "Movie of All Time" as well.

The film is famous for the part where Madame Web turns to the camera, says "It's webbin' time!" And then shoots webs all over the place.

Plot

In 1973, in the Amazon rainforest, a research team led by a pregnant Constance Webb, (truly, subtle!), discovers an unidentified spider species with healing properties. Ezekiel Sims, the dude Constance hired for protection and security, betrays the team and claims the spider for himself, shooting her before fleeing with the spider and leaving Constance to die. A bunch of Spidermen wearing costumes straight from the dumpster behind a Spirit Halloween attempt to save Constance by having one of the magic spiders bite her. However, they use a brown recluse instead of the magic spider and she dies shortly due to its venom after giving birth to her daughter, Cassandra.

Thirty years later, Cassandra, now going by "Cassie", works as a paramedic in New York City (because the Spidermen shipped her out of the Amazon with all those Spider-bucks I guess), alongside her co-workers Ben Parker, (you cannot be serious Sony), and some dweeb named O'Neil. During a dangerous call, she falls into the water due to extreme clumsiness and some serious plot stupidity, and has a near-death experience. Ben revives Cassie, but she begins to experience visions. Initially, she dismisses them as déjà vu, but after failing to prevent O'Neil's death to a speeding dump truck that was racing towards the water for no reason and then smoked his ambulance, Cassie realizes she can see into the future! The film also spends about 10 minutes watching her watching birds fly into her window, which is one of the scenes of all time. Ezekiel, who now has limited precognition power and enhanced physical abilities somehow, collects information on three teenage girls: Julia Cornwall, Anya Corazón, and Mattie Franklin. He gets this information by going to pound town with a NSA agent and then taking her keys after injecting her with poison so he can access naughty stuff with his mom's computer. His visions lead him to believe that the three girls are destined to kill him with a lot of shitty CGI. Cassie is also drawn to the same girls for some random reason, and after somehow running into all three at once, intervenes to stop Ezekiel from ambushing them at Grand Central Terminal when he shows up as quite literally Spiderman but in a black suit (NOT Venom!). She then steals a taxi and takes the girls out of the city to hide them in a nearby forest where she then LEAVES THEM ALONE! Son of a biscuit she is stupid, and the three girls have a collective 2 braincells they share amongst them, so surely this won't be a problem.

Cassie returns to her apartment alone and finds her mother's notes very conveniently, which tell of Ezekiel's identity and the true nature of his powers. How she knew this? Dunno. If she had actually known all this as these notes imply, why did she take him along on the trip with her?? WHY???? This movie is so dumb I cannot even keep trying to make this funny, it is just so retar– anyway, Ignoring Cassie's instructions, the girls go to a nearby diner where Ezekiel finds them after a very uncomfortable dance scene where they attempt to lure some random boys over (Aren't they all supposed to be like kids? What the fuck is this scene?). After briefly incapacitating Ezekiel by ramming him with the taxi and causing a ton of property damage, Cassie takes the girls back to Queens and they take refuge at Ben's, where he doesn't call the authorities for some reason. Cassie then flies to Peru, because that's so easy to do when she is totally not a wanted person for kidnapping! And then she tracks down Santiago, the crusty budget Spiderman who had tried to save her mother. He puts her through a ritual that separates her soul from her body, AS IF she ever had a soul, but whatever. She experiences a plane of higher consciousness where all living things are connected and every possible future can be seen, and its all depicted as a spiderweb because the movie didn't feel like it had beaten you over the head with the whole spider-thing enough times.

Cassie learns that her mother sought the spider not for fame or money, as she had originally believed, but to save Cassie from having brain damage, which she suffered from greatly (clearly). Santiago tells her that accepting her responsibility can unlock her true power. Ben's pregnant sister-in-law Mary goes into labor earlier than expected so he takes her to the hospital, along with the girls, who are seen on camera when in the car. WHY did they have to come along and risk everyone's safety? PLOT BABY! Ezekiel intercepts them again of course, but Cassie rescues the girls in an ambulance by driving through the top of a building, and distracts Ezekiel so Ben and Mary can escape. Ezekiel is totally incapacitated by the ambulance but they just leave him because surely he won't come back in 3 seconds...

The group lures Ezekiel to the condemned firework factory from the beginning of the movie after he recovers in about 3 seconds, and sets up traps, (fireworks), to disorient him while Cassie calls for a medical evacuation helicopter to fly to their location. Why not call the police or military? Dunno. Ezekiel of course destroys the helicopter because its a medical transport and not an Apache or Blackhawk like it should have been, and separates the girls by making them all dangle off a bunch of steel girders, then taunts Cassie with Constance's death. Cassie uses her powers to guide the girls to safety by shooting mind webs or something, (seriously what the fuck), then lures Ezekiel into the final trap, a giant Pepsi sign, which fatally crushes him in the action scene of all time. An ignited firework strikes Ma'am Webb in the face, severely injuring her. Fat lot of good that whole "seeing the future" thing did for ya, huh. The girls save Cassie somehow, and she is taken to the hospital just as Mary Parker gives birth to her son, Peter, who is totally not actual Spiderman, because they don't own the rights to that. Cassie wakes up to discover that she is now blind and paraplegic due to her injuries. However, her clairvoyance enables her to see the future more clearly now I guess? She assures the girls that she will mentor them in their future roles when the time comes, and then dresses up in the super cool costume of all time, complete with red monoglasses, a $15 jumpsuit, and a knockoff Charles Xavier wheelchair.

Cast

• Dakota Johnson as Madame Webb

A paramedic in NYC who, after a stupid accident develops psychic abilities as a clairvoyant which allow her to see future events and is a Stupidhero. Not yet known as Madame Web, Cassie is depicted as an inexperienced clairvoyant in her 30s learning her new powers, in contrast to the comic book version where the character is first seen as an elderly "fully fledged" clairvoyant, who is blind, paralyzed and straight up retarded. Johnson and director Jeremy Clarkson sought to differentiate the film's portrayal from this version while embracing the character traits from the comics. Johnson felt Cassie's wit, humor, and abrasiveness were great, but needed more stupidity and abrasiveness, and less wit and humor. She was interested in playing a female character whose "superpowers" stemmed from her mind, and by the prospect of seeing into the future while understanding the character's past and present, while Clarkson was inspired by the psychological and cerebral aspects of the character, with Cassie questioning her sanity which she battles within herself and attempts to understand. Neither of these dreams were realized and all they ended up with was a half baked pile of shit called Madame Web. Clarkson notably called Cassie a loner and described her as somewhat stupid, quirky, and "stupid".[[Wikipedia:{{{1}}}|{{{1}}}]]

• Sydney Sweeney as Julia Cornwall

Hehe, big honkers! Shit acting though.

• Isabel Merced as Anya Corazon

Useless girl #1. She genuinely doesn't do anything at all and just flounders around causing problems for everyone. I'd have to look up an actual summary of the movie to remember what she did, but I'm much too lazy to do that.

• Celeste O'Connor as Mattie Franklin

Useless girl #2! Also does absolutely nothing, except for remind everyone that she is really rich and that her parents don't like her and always leave her by herself. How sad.

• Tahar Rahim as Ezekiel Sim

The supposed villain of the film, Ezekiel (or black -not black black, but black- Spiderman (he's hispanic I think)), basically just sucks at doing anything. He shoots some person in the beginning which then sets of a chain of events, and then ends up chasing some girls he thinks will kill him someday. Unfortunately for him, even though he has literal super powers, he cannot kill three utterly brainless chicks being protected by the living embodiment of a 35 year old single cat mom. He gets a lot of things smashed into him over the course of the film, including two vehicles at high speeds and a lot of fireworks, but what finally does him in is a giant product placement from a soda brand.

Reception

Madame Web did amazing at the box office contrary to what the naysayers might tell you. It generated an approximate 5,890,234,435,211 Mor-bucks (6.2 morbillion if you need it simplified), outdoing the original box office leader, Morbius. The audiences only complaints were that Sydney Sweeney's "gifts" felt underutilized and that there wasn't enough Morbin' (Webbin'?) moments to satisfy the Morbed Ones.

Future

Madame Web 2 was greenlit the second that Madame Web was released, and is set to take place in the year 2077 to capitalize on the popularity of the well known game, Cybercock 2077. The movie will feature an ensemble cast including Web herself, Morbius (Hooray! The crossover of all time!), Not-Spiderman, the Turkey, and Son of Venom.