Sex scene

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
Jump to navigation Jump to search
Adults only.jpg
WARNING: This article possibly contains adult content not suitable for children or small mammals.
Bookmark it quickly, before anyone sees you.

This looks real enough but it is actually two actors pretending to have sex. There is a hidden plastic sheet between their bodies to prevent any real hanky-panky making it to the final cut.


For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about Sex scene.

Sex scenes in films is what it is all about really. Forget the rest of the movie, the special effects, fancy dialogue and the locations, what people really want to watch is vigorous, on-screen humping. Even in war movies or animation have subliminal sex splattered all over them. And I won't even bother talking about men stroking their guns in 'Thin Red Line' or super heroes running around in multi-coloured caps and condoms.

What we all want to know is 'are they really doing it ?'. A sex scene can be found in a movie, book or television show. It may include explicit sex (as in pornography) or it may only be suggestive of "real" sex, however; as a rule, it is better sex than you have ever had - or ever likely to have. If you have had better sex than that which is depicted in the scene, it is most likely not a real sex scene - it is probably just something weird you get off on.

Sex scenes are often used to get underage minors to watch movies with an "R" rating. Often, the two (or more) people in a sex scene don't like each other, but are just doing it because they are paid to moan and wriggle when a fat slob in a director's chair tells them to. And if it is a real pornographic film, that ugly bloke you always see? - yes that's the producer getting his money shots..but that is more sex obscene.

Film makers are not dumb. They know sex scenes in movies increase profits by up to 7 billion percent but really, when was the last you had sex and said wow! This is just like the movies.....yeah..Thought so...

Definition of a Simulated Sex Scene and a Stimulated Sex Scene[edit]

A sex scene played for cheap laughs.

Just to get this straight, we are talking about a situation that involves an episode or series of episodes in a film, tv series, graphical and non-graphical . It can also include the 'home movies' and 'adult entertainment' which is in fact just one long sex scene but often will at least start off with an introduction and some times a finale. But to be fair, big movies attract a lot more better looking exposers of the naked ass and more. Only just don't expect to see any erections or penetrations and if you do, they're probably prosthetic.

The logistics for a Sex Scene[edit]

First rule is that no one - and I mean no one - wants to see anyone old doing it unless it some silver haired oldster and a woman young enough to be his grand daughter. If you have a movie with a lot of old nudes in it, then it must be Cocoon 23 or some such sequel.

A good example of Le Sex-Scene from a French film featuring : a naked woman, religious symbols , the grey sea and a philosophical observation about avian humour. Gallic Existentialism made celluloid flesh.

So you have the main set up - to be simple - keep to one man and one woman. Now how do they get their kit off and into hot sweaty simulated action. Normally the sex scene will come about half way through the film where the main couple who are going to do it - having started off as enemies. They may of course be also married - if so - you may have the 'steam' right at the start. French films are good at this . Knickers off and knockers out - and for the ladies - a pair of tight male buns. Nothing more as men are very shy - and in the days before Viagra or CGI - would need some extra help if they were required to show off their penis in a scene. This was a job for an assistant director chosen for sexual preferences rather than skill.

Favourite location is usually a bed or perhaps a barn full of fresh hay but no animals having a look in. If you have ever tried it in the hay , you would know that it is only in movies that you don't find yourself laying on a pile of horse shit (unless of course , that happens to be what turns both of on) .

A typical Hollywood sex scene:The woman has already stripped off but her partner insists on retaining his 'lucky underpants' for the following encounter !

If it is on or in a bed - directors make sure the bedcovers have this peculiar clinging effect. Now the assistants use Velcro but in years past, gaffer tape would do . So even if both are supposed to be naked - the actors bodies' must be covered up. The use of hands, heads, tongues, hair and elbows come in use here. The best you may get is a nipple or two - but they could be fake as well. Also women always seem to get out of bed to walk to the other side of the room which may mean you get a bare bum treat. Men rarely do this - or if they do - they have their pants right under the bed which they slip into before standing up (another physical manoevre you would actually rarely do in real life unless the sex scene was inside an igloo). This is perhaps a cultural thing - women always hang their clothes up before a sex scene. Men just drop off everything by the bed - lazy bastards.

The other favoured location for a sex scene is a shower. Funny how they can get them soooo steamy ! And then that odd effect where you see 'slippery bits' in and out of shot - which makes you wonder if the faces belong to the body(ies) in question. Probably not. Odd to say that it is likely you see more 'real sex' in normally rated drama than the fakery in film like Shaving Ryan's Privates. Even the shaving foam they used wasn't real and the pubic hair had been stuck on as all male porn actors are required to have bodies as smooth as a baby's bottom.

Gott Im Himmel ! When filming German sex scenes , everything comes off including this man's Underpanzerhosen.

Sex Scenes in Films[edit]

Sex Scenes in Hollywood Films[edit]

A sex scene involving a non-consenting locust.

Now lets get this clear. Hollywood was full of real sex - off screen at least. In the days of the silent movies, there was plenty on display but during the 1930s this all changed with the Hays Code, a strict morality enforcement that banished all erotic scenes. This inhibited Hollywood for many years but gave the chance for film crews to shoot scenes involving railroad tunnels, lumberjacks and men climbing mountains that always came in pairs. Eventually audiences got fed up with these scenic shots and the Hays Code was dropped in the 1960s after How the West Was Won was voted the Dirtiest Subliminal Western of 1964. Men waving their pistols about made and women inviting cowboys into a bawdy saloon made a mockery of the code.

In Hollywood movies the base goal is to provide at least one sex scene per movie, and to shove it in with enough desperate force to stick a big square peg into a small round hole. It doesn't matter how random or gratuitous the scene is, it needs to be there. Also, Sex and love are the exact same thing. So when you see two people writhing around on the floor having rough sex, scratching each other with their nails, and cussing each other out, you know it just means their love is pure. On the flip side, if they decide to abstain from sex until they have a loving and secure relationship, it usually means they have no love for each other whatsoever.

Sex Scenes in European Films[edit]

...Even a brick wall can look erotic if you put two attractive actors up against it and shout ...Action !...

The Europeans (except the camera shy British) were dangling it all out pretty early in the history of films. The leading 'any excuse for a naked woman shot' were the Swedish but then was developed into an arty-nude form by the French and Italians. The Germans - a nation of nudists - were not very sexy even without their kit off whilst the Spanish had to wait until General Franco was dead before risking any indecent exposure. Before then, Spanish (and Portuguese) audiences saw a lot of bull fighting films which apparently helped ease the frustrated sex urges in the Iberian peninsula.

As usual, it was the French who somehow could film the sex scenes with with a certain elan. Regardless the story , you could always guarantee that a beautiful, pouting French woman would be seen stripping off their clothes and get down to some serious on screen grunting - though being French, these sex scenes were liberally laced with discussions about Jean-Paul Sartre, Jerry Lewis and food.

Many teenagers learnt their sex reading subtitles , which came as a shock when they tried it out for real and waited to see a subtitle appear. The British preferred to treat sex as huge joke and had to make do with a lot innuendo instead. How they ever managed to breed as a nation is one for a educational course, taught by a certified nymphomaniac.

Sex Scenes in Indian Films[edit]

Bruce Willis and Jane March in a sex scene. The tank is (sadly) not real.

The sex scenes in Indian films deserve a special mention in this context. In the Indian movies, the hero and the heroine were shown coming close to each other, and then thunder and lightening or flowers blooming, depending if it was wild or mild sex). But this tradition seems to have broken these days. With the advent of serial kisser Emraan Hashmi , Indian Films also now contain (masturbating enabled) scenes as an another example of the rampant Americanisation of their culture.

The Censor Board of India earlier used to remove the sex scenes from the film but in 2010 it will perform a single function: edit the film and remove all the non-sex-related scenes from the film. Although Indians will need to be careful in training their actors to perform make out scenes and on screen sex because currently one gets the feeling that when an actress is touched by an actor someone in the background is electrocuting and suffocating her.

Most sex scenes in Indian films are really performed by Native Americans. Indian film makers get round this deception by claiming that indigenous inhabitants of the Americas were once called 'Red Indians' in the days when the Europeans liked to classify everyone's civilisational status by the supposed colour of their skin or how well they treated their animals. Audiences in India seemed not to have noticed this deceit, since many sex scenes are shot with so many shadows that really it could be anyone 'faking it' in front of camera.

Sex Scenes Elsewhere[edit]

If there is a Saudi Arabian film with sex scenes in it, so far it hasn't surfaced. Japanese films are sex movies with a few drama scenes so that everyone can catch their breath and take a quick shower. In China, sex was officially outlawed in the Cultural Revolution and has still not recovered but in Russia, the end of Communism also saw an explosion of Russian sex. There the only faking is done in a tanning salon.

Sex in Literature[edit]

Tropic of Cancer: Hot stuff for the literary types..honest !

Modern day popular literature consists of two genres: Hard and Softcore porn for women. Examples of Softcore include Twilight. Examples of hardcore include other vampire novels and everything with Fabio on the cover. Books such as this are often classified as Romance novels, a highly inaccurate genre title. In reality, there is not a single loving relationship in the entire book, which is usually about some chick who is the object of desire from multiple sexy men for no reason. At some point, she starts to sleep with them, and it becomes fucking clear that she is a man-hating bitch as they get off on satisfying her every sexual need and she won't even give a simple blowjob.

French directors are very precise where they want a sex scene to be staged

Sex on US Cable TV[edit]

In the USA, the main channels can only show sitcoms, gameshows and reality shows. Don't hang around for sex scenes on these networks unless you like a lot of bedsheets, towels and very shadowy lighting. No, if you want sex, you have to go on a subscription service.

The quality porn channel, HBO is required to only air shows with graphic sex scenes. If a single episode of any series on HBO passes by without any sex, the fans send angry letters (often containing death threats) to the HBO studio.

This recently happened in the tv series Boardwalk Empire where one episode went by without so much as a stitch getting unhitched. Terrified for their lives and not answering their phones or replying to text messages, the writers felt they had no choice but to oblige the viewers and fill up the rest of that show with regular nudity and guns.

HBO have done the same with the recent series Game of Thrones, a turgid pseudo-medieval story spiced up with regular grunty sex and what appears to be equal opportunity nudity for both men and women. This may be show that breaks the TV non-tumescence rule for men, the last cultural barrier to stop women or homosexuals looking at the erect, performing penis of a qualified thespian. That is unless either ShowTime or the Starz channels get there first with a star stiffy.

Not to be left out of skin war, Showtime and Starz are responsible for commissioning Shameless (US Version) and Spartacus (ANZAC version). In Shameless, the highlight of the series has been where and when actress Emmy Rossum would get her kit off. In Spartacus so many of the cast were naked that it was a light relief when they were required to do some clothed acting.

See Also[edit]

This article is part of UnFilm
The preferred oeuvre of Drive-Ins everywhere.