Brigham Young

Brigham J. "Boom-Boom" Young, a.k.a 'Breed-em Young as his followers attending BYU called him 150 years later,' a.k.a. 'Brother Brigham,' was a great and large leader (current term for that is 'dictator,'), with hands bigger than Donald Trump, and certainly more wives and mules. But back in that day big--uhh--everything was ok. He had about 6,381 wives, and they all lived in the same house! Most of them were just widows or elderly women for whom he merely cared or gave the protection of his name. But a few were nubile and induced horniness in Brother Brigham. He also had 501,978 children (2 who grew to maturity.) from about 5,987 wives.

Bio

Brigham James "Boom-Boom" Young, (the son of a Chinese immigrant) was born in the small town of Pisquonit, Rhode Island in 1842. Little is known about his childhood except for the fact that he was given the nickname "Boom-Boom", when his Chinese father discovered that his son had a fondness for sex with anything that moved. Brigham was teased by his peers about his uncommon name (at the time Biblical-sounding names were shunned and hick names like "Jed" or "Cletus" were more socially acceptable), and was a complete social outcast by his early twenties. Fed up with the Rhode Island social scene, Brigham had his first prophetic experience by tripping over a bunch of saltpeter in a bucket out in the woods and coming back to town as if he'd seen something amazing. The few women who believed him soon took to his idea of heading West, and soon, they were on the Oregon Trail in Lewis & Clark's footsteps.

Going to Utah

Brigham told the women of Pisquonit about the virtues of Polygamy, and in no-time flat, had seventeen wives on the journey with him. (While this is a record for a Christian in the last two hundred years, Solomon still holds the all-time high with over 175 wives and 600 concubines, with King David falling a little behind with 135 and 300 respectively.) This is the greatest testament to his heroic efforts in life, since the average man has enough on his hands with one wife, let alone SEVENTEEN. The midtravel whining was maddening.

As he made his way out West with a wagon-load of bitches, a lot of people he met on the way seemed intrigued by the new state he was planning to form where all of the laws were different than New England. Among these brave men was a fellow named Joseph Smith, who quickly became Brigham's right hand dufus in the adventure to form a Polygamist state. By the time they left Independence, Missouri, the Mormons (as other people kept calling them, leading to their nicknaming their mascot "Moroni") were rolling 2,000 deep.

The Great Salt Lake in The Desert

Brigham, Joseph et al met up with Sacajawea and Paul McCartney in North Dakota and asked them where the best place to start a Polygamist state would be. Being the devious snake that she was (as all women are by nature) she misled them to the least arable plot of land in the North American continent (besides Canada, of course). When they arrived at the Great Salt Lake, 344 Mormons died from dehydration. After sixteen days, they figured out that the Lake had a high salt content, and wasn't good for drinking (or irrigation). This didn't stop the Mormons though. Their hard work paid off, and soon they had farms of boring vegetables and tasteless grains, and their new land began to blossom.

TRIVIA: Utah is still extremely hot. The apparent miraculous transformation from hellish desert to beautiful oasis, despite being a vivid example of fulfillment of prophecy, doesn't really apply to people, particularly babies, trapped in hot cars while Mom goes inside the supermarket for groceries. Babies have shriveled to the size of raisins (albeit really cute raisins) in the sweltering sun.

The First Mormon City

Brigham Young may have been a lot of things, but creative he was not. Instead of giving the Mormon capital of the world a unique name, all he could think of was Salt Lake City. With the new city came new laws, all designed by Brigham to ensure that Mormon community continued to grow long after his death. He established laws against drinking and smoking (causes death through cancer), and also against swearing (causes death through pissing off sensitive people with weapons). His plan was to make the Mormons appear ultra-pious so they could accomplish their ultimate goal of Polygamy without being questioned by other religions.

Unfortunately, the other religions of the early United States crossed out the parts of their Bibles where about a hundred ancient prophets practiced polygamy as a direct commandment from God and embarked on a hate crusade that continues to this day, directed at everything even tangentially related to Mormonism except the Mormon Tabernacle Choir, the Osmonds, and Mitt Romney, who got more votes than even Brother Brigham.

This Bible-editing has continued to this day, to the point where the Mormon Bible (the King James Version) and the other Bibles of the World (the "Improved" versions) differ dramatically. For example, the Non-Mormon Bibles do not contain some of the "added" material in the Mormon Bible, such as the Ten Commandments and the Old Testament (except for Psalms which makes Born-Agains happy because it doesn't have any commandments - just songs that get you into Heaven).

And that's why Brick Ham Yun won the Nobel Peace Prize.

Greatest Accomplishment

Brigham Young was know for a number of great accomplishments, such as pointing out that Jesus had been to the moon; however most pundits and historians only care about one singular moment in history when he destroyed the so-called greatest team ever, as dubbed by ESPN, the University of Southern California's football team in the Rose Bowl game on January fourth in Two double-aught Six. Brigham "Vince" Young single handedly accounted for all offense and defense. 281 yards passing, 375 yards rushing, 281 receiving (having caught all of his own passes), 31 sacks, 2 tfl, 18 interceptions, 3 fumble recoveries, 44 bad-ass plays, 5 rushing touchdowns, 5 extra points, and two field goals. Texas coach, Mack Brown (also known as Joseph Smith) said before the game, "Dag-nabbit, we gots here the greatest, fastest, blackest man in America other than Barack Obama. who needs to put other players on the field?"

Mystery of the Sideburns

It has been widely debated by many LDS (or LSD) scholars what was the purpose for his epic sideburns. Scholar Elder Tyron Young, one of Brigham's 13,023,128 great grandchildren, states that the sideburns were grown to help avoid people from seeing his chin herpes. Another scholar, Elder Tyron Young one of Brigham's 13,023,128 great grandchildren states that the Brigham was the starter of the Great Nauvoo Trophy Face fad. Why...You haven't heard of the great trophy face fad? Well, this is how it worked. Brigham, after engaging in sex with one of his many future celestial wives would collect one single pubic hair and glue it to his face. Over time, his collection grew to epic proportion. Thus the sideburns were born. LDS Scholar Tyron Young, one of Brigham's 13,023,128 great grandchildren, argues that this theory can easily be refuted because the DNA beard samples found in one of his essays match up completely the same, which would mean that Brigham actually had a beard, or he stood loyal to one wife, which is preposterous.