A Tonga da Mironga do Cabuletê
The Theocratic Imperialistic People's Republic of Tonga
|Motto: 'Haoles Go Home'|
|Anthem: A Tonga da Mironga do Cabuletê|
Tonga is a beautiful place. Don't let the absence of people concern you.
|Largest city||Nu Ku A Lofa|
|Official language(s)||English, Tongan, BrazilianPortuguese|
|Currency||Tongan Death Grip|
The Theocratic Imperialistic People's Republic of Tonga, sometimes known as "Tonga", "The Kingdom of Tonga", "A Tonga da Mironga do Cabulete" and "Tonka Trucks", is a small insular country lying 38 km off the eastern coast of Florida.
Legends tell of the Terrys which dwell in this nation. They are a race of asexual lesbians which rape white people (whether men or women). Their danger-level is as high as the Greek Minotaur. They drink watered down cough syrup and then perform their mating ritual. This involves the gangrape of white captives in a room which has been specially prepared. The room will be at least one-foot deep with Terry shit and will be heated with flaming torches. This is a very dangerous ceremony and usually all involved (including the Terrys) are burned to death. One has been spotted in Wellington, New Zealand. It goes by the name of Tere Wilson and is supposedly the prince of Terrys. How it arrived in New Zealand is arguable however it has been suggested that it crawled inside Navy Crewmember Graham Wilson's rectum disguised as a salmon.
Geography[edit | edit source]
The country comprises the whole Archipelague of Cabulete which is divided in two sections: The Mironga Islands (windward Cabulete) at the Southwest and the Neca Islands (leeward Cabulete) at the Northeast. Tonga is just an isle in the Windward (Mironga) Cabulete. The whole Archipelague was renamed after the isle of Tonga because it's the most inportant and the most populated one (5/4 of the population of the Archipelague lives in the Isle of Tonga).
Since the whole country is called Tonga, the Isle of Tonga itself began to be called Tonga Da Mironga Do Cabulete in order to avoid mistakes.
History[edit | edit source]
The city of Boise, nowdays capital of Tonga, was founded in the year 20XX, by one of Dr. Wily's rogue Robot Masters, the previously disgruntled Harold IV of England. It's sole purpose was to serve as a tax shelter for Harold's many illicit operations, including (But not limited to): Counterfeiting, opium production, kidnapping, gunrunning, drug smuggling, plum smuggling, wearing white after Labor Day, and having a political ideologue outside the accepted norm. However, throughout the many centuries of bloody warfare and even bloodier peace times, the country has grown from humble beginnings to rogue nationstate with a surprisingly large nuclear arsenal.
Culture[edit | edit source]
During WWII an accident occurred which was to forever shape the dietary habits of the people of Tonga. HMS Devonshire, a County-class heavy cruiser of the British Royal Navy, was scheduled to sail from Florida laden with emergency rations bound for the British county of the same name.
Having recently returned from a perilous mission around the Cape of Good Hope the crew and officers were looking forward to some well deserved shore leave. They docked in Miami on Good Friday and spent the entire holiday attempting to drink the city dry. Records do not tell us if they were successful or not. However the memoirs of several offices mention them having a particularly wild time in Miami, even by naval standards.
Following a particularly raucous drinking game it was decided to fill the hold of the ship with a single foodstuff. Later that day the crew loaded 20,000 large crates of the recently launched breakfast cereal Cheerios.
Shortly after leaving port their party resumed and after twelve hours at sea, realising their mistakes and the possible repercussions, the purser decided to empty the hold into the ocean.
Over the next few weeks nearly a million catering-sized boxes of Cheerios washed up on the shore on Tonga, where it soon became a firm favourite of the islanders. And since then Cheerios have become the national dish for breakfast. Interestingly, they never add milk to their Cheerios, instead preferring to eat them dry.
Tourism[edit | edit source]
Tourism is a large source of income for the tiny archipelague country, with over 37 visitors per fiscal year. Popular areas of interest to foreigners include the capital city, Boise, with it's magnificent imperial palaces and mandatory gas chambers; The Leeward Tar Pits, where it is said that the national folk hero, Tong John Silver, successfully fought off the armies of Yao Ming the Merciless in order to save a baby black adder snake, which promptly bit him, leaving him with a fatal wound.(The snake later recanted and said that Tong John Silver goaded him into biting.); and the world's largest Star Trek convention convention. Hotel space is limited to one five star hotel, and two two-and-a-half star hotels, both offering the same accomedations, with fresh new linens and bloodsoaked mattresses, respectively.
Economy[edit | edit source]
The economy of Tonga is very limited, producing only textiles, bananas, and highly deadly contagions for export. Unemployment is a largescale problem, surging up into the 92% range on many occasions, typically after the national holiday, "Wholesale Mass Slaughter of Your Employees Day"(a beloved pastime). The unit of currency is the Tongan Death Grip, which is equivalent to 5 USD, 3 GBP, 2 turtledoves, and a partridge in a pear tree. Many people don't use the Tongan Death Grip, preferring a much safer method of keeping their money, while at the same time retaining blood flow through their arteries.
Gub'mint[edit | edit source]
The government of Tonga is a monarchy, with full judicial, executive, and legislative power resting in the current monarch, Duke Ma'a, of the Nine Inch dynasty. Currently, however, the government is in upheaval, with civil unrest brewing all throughout the nation. Many local politicians and social leaders are calling for the king to abdicate his throne to his son, Scott Baio.
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