Uncyclopedia:Bad Right Wing Jokes and Other Deleted Nonsense

Bad right wing jokes and rants are never knowingly kept on Uncyclopedia under the guise of real comedy. Occasionally right wing Uncyclopedians lose their tempers (especially when Democrats win elections) and they decide to curse, swear and add material to Uncyclopedia that belongs on the blog on Rush Limbaugh's website. Look at the contents - typical things that US right-wingers hate; pretty unoriginal rantings. Often it seems a shame to delete the best of these rants which has been submitted to us under the GFDL, because they are truly hilarious (especially when they make back-to-front claims like how Jews persecuted Nazis in 1930s Germany or how Atheists persecute Christians in 21st century America), and the geniuses behind these impressive jokes must be extremely intelligent, and thus this page continues on and on. After all Wikipedia has a Bad Jokes and Other Deleted Nonsense article, why shouldn't we?

Note: all spelling errors must be left in to increase the comedic value. Only real right wing rants should be added here - don't make them up! (provide links to the articles from which they were deleted)

Jesus

All we really know about Jesus, the Man, the Son of Man, the Son of God, is all that we need to know. He was Republican. And we know this becase he was Conservative, very very white, voted for Robert E. Lee, peace and blessings be upon him, and was absolutely, 100% not Jewish.

Intelligent Design

In the beginning there was nothing, no stars, no big bang, no random act of humanity being born. there was a just and loving God. He created you, me, and everything we see, and someday he will take away you, me, and everything we see.

Suicide

It's okay if it's for a purpose, like in the movie Armageddon, when Bruce Willis deliberately nukes himself to save the world. God won't hold that against you. Greater love had no man than what Jesus did for you. He did it for me, too. And that is why Budd Dwyer is the greatest Republican in the history of Republicanism. After Jesus. Abraham Lincoln was the worst.

Formally found in Global Warming

If we kill Al Gore and all the liberal hippies that believe in global warming, it will reduce the amount of CO2 and methane being put into the atmosphere. As a side-effect all illicit drug dealers will go out of business due to the lack of sales.

Al Gore and the liberal hippies disagree and call everyone carbon hogs and use scare tactics and guilt to force them to buy Al Gore's carbon credits. Gore claims that one can reduce the amount of CO2 one breathes out and pollutes with SUVs by buying enough carbon credits from him, kind of like Dungeons and Dragons.

Liberals

also that it's a person's duty to whine like a little sniveling bitch about everything they think is wrong with the world. Liberals love to whine like little crybabies and little pussies about every little thing. liberals at the time were also strong advocates of complaining and whining.

American liberals

One of the most pressing issues within the democratic party is the idea that every person has the same rights as everyone else. That means blacks and whites are equal, as are people of all races and faiths (other than Jews if you're asking Jimmy Carter). This also means Mexicans can break US laws and not get prosecuted, just like any single one of us, if by every one of us you mean Ted Kennedy. Indeed, all men are created equal, except the scum of the earth, the rich white guy.

You should be ashamed of yourselves. Other than Michael Moore, he's an okay rich white guy.

Environment

35 years ago, Liberals ran the street screaming "global cooling! global cooling!" Today they scream global warming. This is a classic example of the flip-flop mind of a liberal. Just like John Kerry, who owns a waffle house in the middle of Massacusetts. That is where he was married, the gay bastard.

Please note that this is the correct definition of Enviornment. This is not to be confused with the Environment, which is another thing entirely. See also Spell Check

Military

Since mostly all liberals are weed smoking hippies, they believe that people get along. What the hell is wrong with there minds?

They also believe that most of the military is stupid. John Kerry clearly states this in his speech. And his excuse? "Ummm" *takes a hit of weed* "I was making fun of Bush" *another hit of weed* What a corupt liberal idiot.

Illegals

Liberals mainly support illegal immigration. I mean why would they not? That is where they get there special "herbs."

Universe

Liberals don't agree with the bible that God made the universe. They just think that one day, a big "Poof" happened and the universe appeared. They have not proved yet what caused that "Poof", but they choose to be corupt and use that theory anyway.

Atheism

These three sections were written by three different people.

If Atheists Were the Majority

66.31.174.231 This is what it would be like, if the majority of people were athiests.

ATHIEST KID: Mom, I'm going to go fuck a hooker.

ATHIEST MOM: Okay, son.

ATHIEST KID: Afterwards, I'm going to go smoke pot with my friends, since it's "not addictive."

ATHIEST MOM: Okay, come home soon!

The athiest kid leaves the room. The father comes home from work several minutes later.

ATHIEST DAD: Hey!

ATHIEST MOM: Hi, honey! I'm pregnant again. I guess I'll just get another abortion, since "fetuses don't count as human life."

ATHIEST DAD: Okay, get as many abortions as you want!

ATHIEST MOM: Oh, and don't go in the bedroom.

ATHIEST DAD: Why not?

ATHIEST MOM: There are two gay men fucking each other in there.

ATHIEST DAD: Why are they here?

ATHIEST MOM: I wanted to watch them do it for awhile. They just aren't finished yet.

ATHIEST DAD: Okay, that's fine with me!

Suddenly, their neighbor runs into the house.

ATHIEST NEIGHBOR: Come quick, there's a Christian outside!

ATHIEST MOM: We'll be right there!

The athiest couple quickly put on a pair of black robes and hoods. They then exit the house, and run into the street, where a Christian is nailed to a large, wooden X. He is being burned alive. A crowd of athiests stand around him, all wearing black robes and hoods.

RANDOM ATHIEST: Damn you, Christian! We hate you! We claim to be tolerant of all religions. But we really hate your's! That's because we athiests are hypocritical like that! Die, Christian!

THE END

Scary, isn't it? If you believe that, its even more scary --FUN FACT: This was an actual post made by an actual person on a christian messageboard unironically

The Atheist Doctrine

The Canadian baconeatingatheistjew.blogspot.com is the son of an Arab that uses the guise of atheism to allow him to use pick and choose judaism. He has never worked and rarely leaves the house. He admits to not having a driver's licence. He committed the ultimate sin of his species against god and man. Intermarriage and assimilation. He spends all day in front of the tv and computer while his goy bleach bottle blonde chain smoking bimbo wife must work to pay the bills and cover his gambling debts. He draws social welfare and gets disability cheques for a fake back injury.

Atheist terrorism

Atheists commit acts of terrorism on a regular basis, like the approximately 100 million people that the communist, atheist scum killed in the last century. Prime examples are Stalin, Mao, Pol Pot and Ho Chi Mihn. (spelling error --> Ho Chi Minh, who wasn't an atheist)

Ankle-grabbing, pillow-biter atheists would like to deny this, but it is the truth.

Salt Lake City paranoia

The rantings of i.p. address 71.199.42.186 (Layton, Utah) who is convinced that every atheist thinks that religion is stupid:

• Instead, atheists choose to show Athe their love by pointing out how stupid Christians, Buddhists, telemarketers, and Muslims are, which is debated to be "very stupid, I mean... come on. Buddhists believe in some big fat guy or something.
• Or just pointing out how very dumb these religions are, which is debated to be "very dumb, I mean... come on. Jews believe in some big triangle star or something.
• or simply how ridiculous your religion is, which is debated to be "very ridiculous, I mean... come on. Christians believe in a plus sign (+) or something.
• However, some renegade Atheist segregations actively attack Christians on message boards, public restrooms, and internet chatrooms, having no money for bus tickets to blow up.
• The reverse is not true. Most non-religious people are too wasting their lives pointing out what they imagine to be fallacies of theism to be worried about something they don’t believe in.

Other emotional rantings from the same user:

• The fact that real Atheists never behave like this simply serves as proof that they walk around in PRIVATE naked, eating bananas and scratching their armpits just like the rest of us. Atheists are often criticized by other religions for simply pointing out how dangerous Muslims are, which is debated to be "very dangerous. I mean... come on. I wouldn't poke any book named 'Karen' with a ten foot pole.
• According to Atheists themselves however, our free will comes from our 1.5kg brains and that we are perfectly capable of overcoming our most natural instincts and urges, but just after we're done masturbating.

Another

70.21.223.114 (New Jersey) Here we go ladies and gentleman: another load of emotional anti-atheist ranting.

They are usually the majority of widespread internet users as they're sole purpose in life is to create anti-Creationist memes that no one pays attention to on the internet or rent cheap 5 dollar hookers and cry to sleep at night. Most atheists have a delusion of superiority.

This guy is full of rubbish. Our Hookers are substantionaly more expensive and we usually cry ourselves to sleep during the day time, as we are out with our EXPENSIVE Hookers all night. Also, it's interesting that we are the majority of internet users as easily the majority of articles (HAH, don't make me laugh) on this website are very religious in nature and make me cry myself to sleep during the day time over the massive lack of intellect in this world.

Secondary note. I thought you guys were mean't to be tolerant, jeez, according to your precious book we'll see the error of our ways or die a horrible death. Quite Frankly I don't want to subscribe to such a horrible dictator, love him and you're good, question anything, you're dead. He won't even do the job himself, he'll send his thuggish angels to cut your brake lines or... poison the salmon mousse.

Reasons to become an atheist/the sensible version

68.212.183.231 GULP! This article has been swallowed by a Wet Floor. Try making it actually funny instead of just an anti-religion rant, and maybe, just maybe, the Wet Floor will spit it back out.

4.158.192.234 take note that this is anti-religion NO IT'S NOT YOU FRICKIN' IDIOT GO DUNK YOUR HEAD IN A POT OF BOILING WATER

There is no God, life is completely meaningless, if you kill yourself now nobody will care, etc --- Lies.

There is no God, life is whatever you decide it to be, if you kill yourself now I will care, God is a control freak tyrannical dictator, free yourself, "It is better to die on your feet than to live on your knees!" Emiliano Zapata may have been a dirty anarchist, but follow his lead and throw off the oppression that is religion, free yourself, YOU decide what to do, don't let ANYONE ELSE choose for you. If you decide relgion, good luck to you, your mind is too far gone, so horribly brainwashed that you deserve all my pity.

Christianity

4.158.192.234 Retarded immediate assumption Catholics are anti-sematic

Q. Wasn’t Hitler an atheist?

A. No. He was a devout Catholic; which was the source of his vehement anti-Semitism.

A. Yes, despite atheists like the above claiming he was a Catholic. He largely become an anti-semitist after reading some of the anti-semitist publications common in Germany at the time.

A. No. Hitler made claims at religion as mentioned above and was also heavily into Eastern religion and superstition.

A. Yes. Hitler was right, interpret.