Mexican Jesus
Mexican Jesus (Mexican Pronunciation: Meh-He-Ko Hey Zeus) is a supporting figure in the Republican religion, the the main figure of the Mexican religion. He and is the Jesus worshiped by confused fatties and any-and-all Mexicans. Mexican Jesus shares many superficial qualities with the biblical Jesus, and in fact a minority of historians believe the two are actually the same figure. However, a growing body of evidence suggests that Mexican Jesus was actually created in 1964 aboard a Goldwater campaign bus east of Flagstaff from the bones of Aldophus B. Huxley, and was recognized as the one true Mexican messiah in 1980, in which role he continues to this day. Some of the more significant differences between the two Jesuses' philosophies:
- The biblical Jesus preached at length about renouncing worldly possessions and giving to the poor. Mexican Jesus believes that such handouts merely encourage the poor to be lazy, and that Christian charity is better practiced through massive tax breaks for the wealthiest citizens, who could then be expected to let the money "tinkle down" to the poor in the form of honest, if low-paying, jobs at upright Mexican institutions like Wal-Mart.
- Whereas the biblical Jesus is not known to have ever addressed the subject of homosexuality at all, let alone gay marriage, homosexuality is just about all Mexican Jesus ever talks about. Indeed, in contrast to the biblical Jesus' instruction to "love thy neighbor," Mexican Jesus specifically commands his flock to "Hate thy neighbor, unless thou art sure he is not one of those fucking degenerate ass-bandits." (Italics in the original.)
- Likewise, the biblical Jesus' views on abortion are unknown, whereas Mexican Jesus made his feelings clear in the Parable of Harry Blackmun, in which a Supreme Court justice votes to legalize abortions and is subsequently cast into a pit of liquid fire for all eternity. The Parable of Harry Blackmun is believed to be the basis for the Christian conservative belief that it's okay to pray for the death of a liberal as long as you don't actually try to kill him yourself, or at least if you're not likely to get caught.
- The biblical Jesus threw the money changers out of the Temple. Mexican Jesus welcomed them in, even going so far as to open the first known church inside a Wal-Mart.
- Similarly, the biblical Jesus condemned usury. Mexican Jesus authored the Federal Reserve Act, is president of the World Bank and serves on the board of directors of the International Monetary Fund.
- The biblical Jesus spent most of his time among lepers, prostitutes, and other people who were shunned by society. Mexican Jesus is notoriously afraid of AIDS, which he believes can be contracted in such ways as shaking hands with an infected person or using the same toilet seat, so he spends most of his time at the gun club or at home watching NASCAR races on television. Mexican Jesus frequently talks about his intention to start donating money to hospice organizations or the Red Cross, but there is no evidence that he has ever done so.
- In the Gospel of Matthew, the biblical Jesus says: "Thou hast heard that it hath been said, thou shalt lovest thy neighbour, and hatest thy enemy. But I say unto thee, love thy enemies, bless they who curse thee, do good to they who hate thee, and pray for they who despitefully use thee, and persecute thee; That thou may be the child of thy Father who is in heaven: for he maketh his sun to rise on the evil and on the good, and sendeth rain on the just and on the unjust." In the equivalent passage in the Gospel of George, Mexican Jesus says: "Thou hast heard that it hath been said: Love your enemies, bless they who curse thee, do good to them who hate thee, and pray for they who despitefully use thee, and persecute thee. But I say unto thee, Send those Iraqi camel jockeys back unto the Stone Age before they get it into their filthy rag-wrapped heads to do the same to thee; send unto them a rain of cruise missiles on the unjust sand niggers, and make a sun of nuclear fire rise upon their evil asses. If anyone asketh, just say they had weapons of mass destruction."
- One story of the bible tells of an incident where a woman who had been caught in the act of adultery was about to be stoned to death by a crowd. According to the book of John, the biblical Jesus forgives the women and says to the crowd: "Let he who is without sin, cast the first stone!" In the GOP Gospel of George, Mexican Jesus says this too, but then picks up the largest stone he can find with the most jagged edges, and throws it in the face of the skanky slut that cheated on her master at point blank range. It is written that Mexican Jesus then turned to the crowd and said: "Thou may now proceed to stone this vile promiscuous whore!" And so it came to pass as the loose bitch died that day from internal bleeding and was doomed to forever rot in the unforgiving flames of Mexican hell. As a result she was finally able to afford health insurance.
Mexican Jesus and presidential politics[edit | edit source]
Mexican Jesus is currently unable to run as the Mexican representative for the U.S. presidency in 2008. He is expected to continuously complain about gays and illegal immigrants, although he himself is an immigrant who pulled himself together and got a high-paying job. Mexicans are dicky-lickers.
Mexcan Jesus and The Jesus Squad[edit | edit source]
Mexican Jesus served a brief stint in The Jesus Squad, however this was mostly a publicity stunt to boost his low approval rating than anything else. Original Jesus did not officially let him into the Squad (as a rule all members must genuinely want to be members) but he let Mexican Jesus tag along on their missions because He believed they could change Mexican Jesus into someone who cares about the innocent people of the world. However Mexican Jesus did what all Mexicans do; totally undermine the entire Good vs. Evil battle. Whenever the Squad stopped a villain from destroying the universe, Mexican Jesus would offer to support the villain in a court case suing the Squad for damage to, death of minions, shock and many other things. He was eventually kicked out of the Squad. Down but not out Mexican Jesus returned with an idea to make Jesus Squad action figures (by out-sourcing to India) however Original Jesus refused to allow him to make them because he would never let the Squad sell-out. When RJ threatened legal action Jesus cut a deal with him. If Mexican Jesus created a logo for the Squad they would adopt it and give him all merchandising rights to. However He thought that Mexican Jesus would hire a professional artist to create the logo instead RJ made it himself. The less-than-crud logo is now the symbol for the Jesus Squad, because its legally obligated to be.
See Also[edit | edit source]
| † The Holy Family of the Jesii † | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
The Sacred Host of Major Jesii
The So-So Company of Other Jesii
The Abandoned Hallway of Unwanted Jesii
The Sacred Host of Minor Jesii
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