Christian Right

The Christian Right, despite their name, are not really right about anything. Even though they consider themselves "righteous and moral", they pick the immoral side of a political issues almost every time. They prefer lies to truth, war to peace, misery to joy, and slavery to freedom. Although they only make up about 20% of the United States population, they pretty much control the entire country. They are pressuring President Bush into passing the Sexual Crimes and Perversions Act of 2007 which makes any type of sex except intercourse in the missionary position with one's spouse a felony offence with the punishment being death. Bush said he is open to the idea as long as he and a few close friends can be exempted from it.

Views

Evolution

This sign by the road in the middle of the Bible belt pretty much sums up the Christian Right's view of evolution

The Christian right views evolution as blasphamous, anyone who believes in it is not a true Christian and is going to hell. Currently President Bush allows evolution to be taught alongside creationism to appease liberal socialist hippies but the Christian Right wants evolution to be banned from public schools and anyone who believes in evolution to be arrested and thrown in jail. Some have even called for the execution of those who spout atheist beliefs stating that man shares ancestry with apes and monkeys. The Christian Right accuses the Christian Left of selling out to the atheist liberals for believing or at least tolerating evolution. They state that it is every Christian's mission to destroy Darwinism. Christian conservatives spread complete bullshit which they claim is divine truth on the holy trinity of wikis; CreationWiki, Conservapedia, and Theopedia.

Global Warming

The Christian right believes that God gave us the Earth to trash. They believe that global warming is merely liberal propaganda and excommunicate anyone from their group who believes in it.

Stem Cell Research

Christian conservatives are dead-against stem cell research because they believe in protecting the sanctity of life. An undifferentiated embryo has much more value as a human-being that an American soldier killed in Iraq and conservative Christians recognize this.

Homosexuality

The Christian right is vehemetly opposed to homosexuality. They say that sodomites are even lower than murderers (which is why they justify murdering gay people). They opposed same-sex marriage and civil unions and support the death penalty for those convicted of homosexuality.

War

Christian rightists generally support war so long as they are not the ones doing the fighting. They believe in killing anyone who belongs to another religion or anyone who doesn't embrace their version of the Christian faith. They wish to see another Crusades with the Christian West versus the Islamic East. Thanks to the antics of nutbars George W. Bush and Osama bin Laden (who are possibly in cahoots); this looks to be a strong possibility. Iraq and Afghanistan have already been invaded and Iran is on the chopping block. Christian rightists do not fear a nuclear holocaust because it will only hasten the rapture and armageddon. When this occurs all the true believers will ascend into heaven with Jesus while all the liberals, atheists, and homosexuals are cast into a lake of fire to be tortured for eternity.

Sex

The Christian right are dead-against sex. Not just homosexual sex (which is even worse than regular sex) but all sex. Chasitity is seen as a virtue despite the fact that God commanded humans to be fruitful and multiply. They see sex as a pervision that moves them away from God and do not want to see anyone have sex probably because they aren't getting any themselves and are jealous. They do recognize sex is necessary for procreation so they allow sex between a husband and a wife in the missionary position only. Any other deviations from this should be harshly punished. Even though spousal missionary sex is still legal in America, Christian rightists encourage their flock to become pregnant by artificial insemination so they will never have to have sex again and be permanently free from sin.

Abortion

The Christian right opposes abortion but not for the reasons you think. The Christian right really doesn't give a shit about saving fetuses or any human life for that matter. Their stand on the Iraq war demonstrates their complete disregard for the sanctity of life. They oppose abortion because they want to keep women barefoot and pregnant in the kitchen. They even oppose abortion in the case of rape or incest, justifying it by saying "she must have asked for it". Christian rightists are dead-against birth control and don't believe sex should be practised recreationally. They also oppose abortion no matter what even if the baby is born with two extra heads, the girl was impregnated by her grandfather, or the mother will die if she goes through with the birth. Despite calling themselves pro-life, the Republicans and the Christian right are actually pro-death because they are pro-war, pro-death penalty, anti-stem cells, and anti-public healthcare. They will make sure you get out of the womb alive but after that you are on your own.

Poverty

The Christian right believes that we should do nothing about poverty. They are split on the reasons why poor people exist but they are unanamously in their belief not to help them. This belief makes Christian rightists feel very much at home with the Republican party. Some Christian rightists believe that poor people are not poor through their own doing but because its God's will. They do not believe in helping anyone because everything is God's will and we shouldn't interfere. Other conservative Christians believe that poor people brought it on themselves and that poverty is a result of immorality despite the fact that immoral people such as OJ Simpson and Osama bin Laden are filthy rich. They blame poor people for all their problems, even the children who were born into it.

Censorship

The Christian right believes that it is not the government's responsibility to provide universal healthcare and education but that it is absolutely responsible for shielding the public from truth and knowledge lies and blasphamy. It is your responsibility to obtain healthcare and education but it is the government's responsibility to protect you from the truth. This is the belief of the Christian right (see hypocrisy).

Healthcare

The Christian right believes you are on your own when it comes to healthcare. They consider a personal responsibility to stay healthy and if you get sick it is your own fault. If you get hurt it is God's will and if you decide to seek medical treatment you must do it with your own money. They are also against blood transfusions because they like to see people die but excuse it by saying that everyone's blood must be pure in order to enter God's kingdom. Christian conservatives believe the government has no place in healthcare even though they believe that the government has a big place in people's personal lives.

Criticism of the Christian Right by the Christian Left

The Christian Left accuses the Christian Right of ignoring Jesus' overall message of peace and love and say that conservatives get off on the idea that God will smite whoever they happen to hate whether it be atheists, liberals, gays, Jews, Muslims, feminists, or foreigners. People who have known Fred Phelps have said that the reason he goes on the way he does has nothing to do with opposition to homosexuality but more to do with an addiction to hatred. "If it wasn't the homosexuals it would be something or someone else" said an anoynamous former member of Phelps' church who left because of the intense hatred. The anoynamous source also revealed that Fred Phelps developed a raging hard-on whenever talking about fags and faggotry leading many to question his presumed heterosexuality. Many on the Christian Left also believe that people on the Christian Right are actually repressed homosexuals, indoctrinated with lies and distortions, who hate because they aren't free to express their desires. They believe that because they can't express themselves sexually no one else should be able to.

Where to Find Them

• The whole damn South, especially that damn Texas
• Any Southerner's house (there's always a Bible, gun, and Republican flyers in there)
• Baptist Churches, their main hubby
• In front of abortion clinics

Notable Christian Rightists

• George W. Bush
• Ann Coulter
• Jerry Falwell
• Sean Hannity
• Adolf Hitler
• Bill O'Reilly
• Augusto Pinochet
• Fred Phelps
• Ronald Reagan
• Pat Robertson

See Also

• Liberal Christianity