“ Yes, evolution, MMmm, evolution is the heretical theory of the development of life on earth over millions of years by means of spontaneous genetic mutation, Just like God intended”
“ Back in the day the excuse "dog ate my homework" would get you in trouble.
The teacher would get mad, embarass you in front of the class by calling you lazy, a liar and a moron. Your parents would then "blow a fuse" subjecting you to some good-ole ass whooping and being grounded like "forever".
But nowdays, the teacher would get fired, the school would get sued, parents would get arested for a physical and mental agony,just because billy mayes died from suicide puttyand the dog would be sent to a dog psychologist and some educational therapy pending a possible sterilization for hyperactivity.”
Darwinism, also known as the religion of evolution, is over 3.8 billion years old. It is the world's oldest religion and is based entirely on scientific fact. It was started by the world’s first self-replicating molecule, St. RNA, on Christmas Day, 3,850,000,000.8 B.C. It was the main belief held by most of the world's organisms until about the year 2,000 B.C., when a radical religious sect broke away from evolution and began a twisted religion that said the world was created in only 7 days in 4,004 B.C.[disputed] and that promoted bestiality, intolerance, hatred of equivalent religions and murder in the name of some non-existent sky-fairy “God”.
It wasn't until 1859, when The Gospel according to Charles, more commonly know as On the Origin of Species, was released, that support of the Truth of Evolution began to increase again. Even after 1859, the teachings of the Prophet Darwin were still being challenged. Being an evolutionist in some parts of the world could have you killed.
Teacher John Scopes was sentenced to death in 1925, but was granted amnesty by the King of England. He was released after 10 years in jail. It wasn't until 1987 that Darwinism was accepted, or at least tolerated by mainstream society again. The Supreme Court of Earth determined it was unconstitutional to discriminate against the religious beliefs of Darwinians. A new anti-Darwinian religion called Intelligent Designerism is challenging the Truth of Evolution again.
Darwinists use the argument “my ancestors over the last 3.8 billion years were all winners” to feel all high and mighty. People of an alternative religion, Christianity, use the argument “I’m created in the image of God” to feel all high and mighty. Nobody knows why; after all God is, according to the new Darwinian prophet Richard Dawkins “the most unpleasant character in all fiction; a petty, unjust, unforgiving control-freak; a vindictive, bloodthirsty ethnic cleanser; a misogynistic, homophobic, racist, infanticidal, genocidal, filicidal, pestilential, megalomaniacal, sadomasochistic, capriciously malevolent bully” Why would anybody want to believe he was created in the image of such an arsehole?
Timeline[edit | edit source]
- 13,775,000,000 B.C. - After a night of sexy time known as the Big Bang, God creates the universe via farting.
- 4,550,000,000 B.C. - The Earth is created
- 4,150,000,001 B.C. 18th February, just before deli tray time - Bono creates God
- 4,150,000,001 B.C. - God creates God #3, today known as God, while God disappears, and God #3 is now God.
- 3,850,000,000 B.C. - The God of Evolution creates the First self-replicating molecule, called RNA (Really Nice Ass).
- 3,000,000,000 B.C. - Evolution becomes the main religion of earth's earliest residents known as the Prokaryotes
- 2,100,000,000 B.C. - Some of the Prokaryotes break away from the mainstream and start their own sect of Darwinism known as Eukaryia.
- 1,200,000,000 B.C. - The Eukaryotes permit some of their members to have more than one cell. The Prokaryote sect still forbids this practice.
- 670,000,000 B.C. - The Plant and Animal branches of the Eukaryote sect arise.
- 543,000,000 B.C. - Plants and Animals split into numerous denominations.
- 495,000,000 B.C. - The Vertebrate denomination, to which most practising evolutionists belong to is formed from the Animalian Eukaryote sect. Up to this point all life lives in the ocean, it is considered blasphemy to step onto land.
- 425,000,000 B.C. - Plants are granted land permits
- 410,000,000 B.C. - The God of Evolution gives vertebrates and other animals a land permit after years of protests and civil disobedience.
- 300,000,000 B.C. - The Reptilian branch of the Vertebrates is formed.
- 251,000,000 B.C. - A group of animals reject the teachings of Darwinism and are promptly send to hell in the Permian Mass Extinction. The small sect of Mammalia branches off from Reptila, they remain a minority until after the Asteroid of Judgment.
- 245,000,000 B.C. - Dinosaurs are selected by God to become the rulers of the Earth.
- 200,000,000 B.C. - The real Jurassic Park starts filming. Directed by Steven Stegasaurus.
- 144,000,000 B.C. - Jurassic Park comes out on video.
- 65,000,000 B.C. - After a long reign, dinosaurs have become more arrogant, greedy, and cruel. Many reject the teachings of Darwinism. God punishes them by delivering the Asteroid of Judgment. A small group of dinosaurs, the Avians are loyal to the teachings and are spared. After this, God assigns Mammals to become the dominant sect of Life.
- 60,000,000 B.C. - Primates the sect that includes the degenerate Homo sapiens is formed.
- 50,000,000 B.C. - The early Equine sect of Mammalia which later forms an alliance with Homo sapiens is formed.
- 48,000,000 B.C. - Whales lose their limbs because of landmines, forced to live in the ocean.
- 35,000,000 B.C. - The Monkees, a popular group of Primates start their own sect.
- 20,000,000 B.C. - A group of Monkees, lose their tails and become known as apes.
- 8,000,000 B.C. - A group of Apes known as Hominids form their own sect.
- 5,555,555 B.C. - The last known mating between chimps and humans takes place.
- 4,444,444 B.C. - The prophet Lucy is born. She leads a sect known as Australpithecuses.
- 2,500,000 B.C. - An Australpithecus gives birth to the world's first, Homo.
- 2,499,999 B.C. - All Homos are banned from Australpithecus society, forced to start their own sect.
- 1,800,000 B.C. - Filming of the Ice Age Movie, Pleistocene begins, Homo gets his first erectus
- 1,000,000 B.C. - Clothes are invented.
- 750,000 B.C. - Fire is invented
- 200,000 B.C. - A group of well educated gay people known as sapiens form their own sect and begin to massacre other sects of Homo
- 50,000 B.C. - Homo sapiens enter into a pact with Canis lupus
- 40,000 B.C. - The Neanderthal massacre is perpetrated by Homo sapiens.
- 16,331 B.C. - Chromosomes learn how to speak after someone turns on the switch.
- 10,000 B.C. - Under what they believe is the instruction of God, woolly mammoths are massacred. The movie Pleistocene is finally done filming. Yahred invents matches.
- 9,999 B.C. - The movie Pleistocene is released on video. Agriculture is invented. Production of Holocene a sequel to Pleistocene begins.
- 8,106 B.C. - Massive flooding created by a comet hitting the Mariana trench, only two specimens of every animal species left alive. People start drinking.
- 7004 B.C. - Arcpsachad works a bit on a skyscraper and gets confused.
- 7,000 B.C. - The wheel is invented.
- 6,112 B.C. - Ebber visits Harappa, invents writing, but no one can understand it.
- 4,004 B.C. - The false religion of creationism is started by a radical group of Homo sapiens.
- 3,000 B.C. - Homo sapiens enter into alliances with both the Felis and Equus sects.
- 2,000 B.C - Most Homo sapiens forced to adopt creationist beliefs by the prophet Moses. Dissidents are slaughtered summarily.
- 44 B.C. - Julius Caesar is murdered for his Darwinist beliefs'.
- 0 A.D. - Jesus Christ, the prophet of Creationism is born.
- 666 A.D. - Mohammed, another creationist prophet is born.
- 1,809 A.D. - The great evolutionary prophet Charles Darwin is born.
- 1,835 A.D. - Darwin has a religious revelation while vacationing on the cruise ship Beagle
- 1,859 A.D. - The Bible of Evolution, The Origin of Species, is published
- 1,882 A.D. - The Prophet Charles Darwin passes away at home.
- 1,925 A.D. - High School Science Teacher John Scopes is sentenced to death for having Darwinist beliefs.
- 1,987 A.D. - Darwinism is tolerated but the majority of Homo sapiens still support Creationism.
- 1,999 A.D. - Kingdom of Kansas forbids teaching of Darwinist beliefs
- 2,005 A.D. - Judge Jones upholds Religious Freedom and allows Darwinism to be taught.
- 2,007 A.D. - Kingdom of Kansas overturns 1999 decision and allows evolution to be taught.
- 2,009 A.D. - Darwinists celebrate 200 years of the prophet Darwin's birth.
Prophets under Darwinism[edit | edit source]
- The first Self-Replicating Molecule
- The First cellular Organism
- Luca, the last common ancestor
- The First Eukaryote
- The First Animal
- The First Vertebrate
- The First Amphibian (Land Vertebrate)
- The First Reptile
- The First Mammal
- The First Dinosaur
- Archaeopteryx, creator of the Avian sect of Dinosaurs
- The First Primate
- The Monkees
- The First Ape
- The First Hominid
- The First Bacteria-Fish-Amphibian-Reptile-Bird-Mammal Animal (man)
- Australpithecus (Lucy)
- The First Homo (Nero)
- Homos first erectus
- Homo's Dirty Rectum
- The First Homo sapiens
- Julius Caesar
- The Pope
- Charles Darwin
- John Scopes
- Richard Dawkins
The Holy Trinity of Evolution[edit | edit source]
- DNA (Originally known as RNA)
- Random Mutation
- Natural Selection
The Apostles of Evolution[edit | edit source]
- Genetic Drift
- Sexual Selection
- Catastrophic Mass Extinctions
Core beliefs of Darwinism[edit | edit source]
- Theory of Evolution
- Theory of Continental Drift
- Big Bang Theory
- Grilled Cheese
If evolution isn’t true, what’s the point of life?[edit | edit source]
Some people of other religions claim that humans are not the product of billions of years of gene selection, but are rather creatures created just for the sake of feeling guilty for being born. The Christian theory goes that the first man did not emerge from an ape 6 million years ago, but rather was made from a mud statue made 6 hundred years ago. The first woman was made from one of his ribs. The absurdity of this argument aside, isn’t it sexist to say that men evolved from mud? I mean, at least ribs taste nice!
The first man was made by an omnipotent, omniscient and omnipresent metaphysical male ghost called “God”. We know he was male because “man is created in God’s image”. That means that God was originally made out of mud. The first man and woman, named Adam and Eve respectively were placed in a special garden, which is all that existed at the time (despite the fact that the earth was created on the first day, along with water on the second day, the oceans on the third day - a bit confusing I know, but we’ll forget about that for now – plant life after producing the oceans and dry land, night and day the next day – confusing again but let’s ignore that too – and all animals after that. But all that existed was the garden – confusing again I know)
Anyway, God told the two stark naked humans that they could eat anything but the fruit from one tree that would let them know they were starkers; they did eat the fruit and God was pretty pissed. If he was omnipotent and omnipresent he should have foreseen it, knew it was going to happen and seen it happen as they ate the fruit. He didn’t, he didn’t and he didn’t. More contradictions; they’re piling up here aren’t they? Anyway God gave men and women the sensation of pain and the need to toil day in day out for the crime of eating one fruit. Kind of harsh, but that’s what he did.
So the only purpose of life is to toil and feel pain. This hypothesis is laid out in born again Christian Richard Dawkin’s book The Selfish God. Many people have been very upset after reading the book and believing there is no purpose to life other than to toil and feel pain. Any reasonable person knows that pain conveys survival value in keeping us away from harm and it is inevitable that anything that lives must toil to survive. These ideas are laid out in Richard Dawkin's book The Selfless Gene he proves that nice guys finish first (the title of a chapter) and that this nasty psycho “God” is just the result of a mental infection; a meme as the book’s author calls it.