Judas Eukaryote
Judas Eukaryote was the one of the original twelve Apusozoas ( before they divided into more nuclea ) who betrayed Jesus Chrysiogenes The Procaryote by turning him over to the empire of the Eucarya. The other Apusozoas did record the flagellumia of the Chrysiogenes into there DNA ( which should account for ludicrously large amount of genes in most modern single celled life forms ) and it was known that Judas himself did in fact sequence it down. The gospel was thought to be lost throughout the billions of years of evolution and since the Judas story was thought not to be suitable for natural selection and reproduction ( Since he clearly betrayed the Chrysiogenes ) it was not sought after.
At one point it was strictly forbidden to search for or even contemplate the existence and whereabouts of the gospels of Judas for they are surely evil and full of lies. Luckily this foolish dogmatic stance has been done away with and slowly but surely the pieces of it gradually turned up. Most of the DNA sequence has been found the the most unlikely place, or so everybody thought, imaginable. I appeared that parts of the Gospel was embedded in practically every multi celled living live form on the planet and some single celled ones to. Dog's, Fish, tree's, caribou's and even humans* carried fragmented tids and tads of the code.
(* All except for the Belgians )
Joining Chrysiogenity[edit | edit source]
After hearing Jesus at the sermon on the membrane Judas Eukaryote, inspired by Jesus, joined the disciples and wrote the entire sermon down in his own DNA coding for future organisms. Amongst other gospels these famous verses have survived the test of time, alpha radiation or any other type of random mutation.
- yeast not, lest ye be yeasted
- turn the other membrane
- resist all Antiseptics
- love they neighbour, for it may become an mitochondria or other useful organelle.
Although at the time it would have sounded something like ag gag gctagg cttg ct tgaaggc gg aggg..
12 Apusozoas[edit | edit source]
Following this literal life changing event of hard-coding the teachings into it's own genetic coding Judas Eukaryote began to go forth and multiply. Although the going forth part was not really a matter of choice since Judas had not yet evolved flagella.
From the old genoment
| “ | And Judas did devideth once and behold there was he and another.
And Jesus called it Petre dish. And peter said but my name is Simon. It's alright Petre, Jesus said. |
” |
And so Judas divided 4 times bringing forth 2 4 8 and eventually 16 Followers.
Alas on the second divide one brother was hit by a stray alpha particle of big bang background radation and with it's DNA in shreds he was nothing more then a puddle of cytoplasmic pulp. Also on the second divide the forth entity rejected the teachings and went away to pursue the goal of photosynthesis.
On the fourth divide there was a new random mutation that allowed future bearer of this code almost unlimited knowledge power and strength that would have ushered life itself to a whole new level of existence if it where not for the fact that this mutation was not sustainable for life. The last follower to fall just was an utter bastard and therefore had his ribosome's ripped out and hung from a long stringy polymer molecule.
All of these 12 followers of Jesus Chrysiogenes where to spread his teaching by means of meiosis and there for added it to there own DNA.
Betrayal[edit | edit source]
Although most ideas the Prokaryote Jesus preached where mostly harmless and probably had some real merit, there where some ideas that he spread that did not go over to well with the local authority. Mostly because apart form mutual respect between Prokaryotes and Eukaryote, for they may help each other in equally beneficial ways, and believing that chloroplasts are the Sheppard's through the Vacuole of darkness, he also believed and vibrated about the concept that osmotic pressure is not the only way of harvesting necessary supplements and sustenance. And on top of that he had the nerve to state that one day their kind would clump together to become one and multiply by fusing together there nuclei.
Of cource the notion did not sit well with other single celled communities, especially the Prokaryotes, of with Jesus himself was a member who could not ever participate in this whole ludicrous endeavour. But it was the Eukaryotes, like Judas, who where completely outraged by this notion.
| “ | To imagine a cooperation between hundreds or thousands of us in order to act like one massive giant life form is madness ! We could never achieve that level or organisation. | ” |
The final straw was drawn when Jesus merged with Maria mitochondria and mutually reaped what they had sewn. There symbiosis was complete and it was good. Too good even.
It was felt this idea of multi-celled life was borderline blasphemy. Judas, although a fierce and loyal follower to this point could not understand why his master would say and do such evil things, poisoning the primordial soup that spawned them. It was this event that drove him to the act of turning Jesus over to the eukaryote empire.
Gospel of Judas[edit | edit source]
All the Apusozoas coded there own version of the happenings within there code, but fear of persecution let them to omit and obfuscate large pieces of this history. But not Judas. His guild tormented him utterly from his semi-permeable lipid bi-layer to the depths of his Endoplasmic reticulum his thoughts where haunted by his terrible deed. In repenting he told the entire tale in his nucleus from the sermon on the membrane to tale of the future multi-celled lifeforms that need not solely to rely on osmotic pressure. Ironically it is through him that the foundation was made for the first multi-celled being to begin and eventually lead to the more complex life that after a while took on a multitude of forms and even left the soup to wander the "so called" land.
Translations[edit | edit source]
Although the text of the scriptures has been available in plain sight for somewhere between 4.4 billion and 6010 years it's modern translation came relatively late. Some bibliogenesis experts have blamed science for obstructing and sabotaging the effort by deliberately obfuscating the content of the holy genetic material. One claim states that the letters used to define divine DNA have been carefully chosen not to allow translation into the ancient gospel of Jesus and Judas as believed to exist within every chromosome today.
DNA (Deoxyribonucleic acid) consists of 4 nucleotides and the letters that have been assigned to them by the treacherous scientists are A C T and G (Adenine, Cytosine thymine and Guanine). These name are useless meaningless obfuscation of the true language of truth. Look closely, closer. still a bit closer. Now back away a bit, you are freaking me out, but see only 4 letter. MMmm only four (tetra). Lets clear up this vile concoction of science by replacing the letters by there true symbols in order to read the holy texts as they where written down by the early enzymes.
- A becomes Y
- C becomes H
- T becomes W
- G becomes H
Making the polymer formerly known as DNA into Deusxyribotetragrammatonnic acid (TPFADNAIDTA or DTA).
Notice how fiendishly the biologists assigned four letters when in reality the heavenly language is trinary. In retrospect this all seems to logical for we have known about the 3-sidedness of the trinity for centuries. But to find out that this truth has so malevolently been kept hidden away from the culture is unbelievable.
Finally we had the correct set of attributed to decipher the magnificent work of divine inspiration that we find on our genetic material. We took the Letters Y,H and W and statistically analysed the "SEEMINGLY" random distribution throughout the genome. By cross-referencing patterns that match known place names, individual names and dates and so forth that have been more or less preserved for us. This way of investigation provided a assurance of nearly a 100% that if we found a matching pattern in 2 or more placed we would have cracked the key and could finally read the true text of the ancients. Alas none was ever found. It didn't even produce a single comprehensible sentence let alone the wisdom of the ages ( in a conveniently packaged readable format ). For all we knew it could seem that DNA was nothing more then a self-supporting self-replicating mechanism that changes over time by minute random changes and natural selection, which is of course a silly notion. The idea that mortal entities could ever add or change any form of holy scripture is unpalatable and insane to the highest degree.
Well, not to worry. We have managed to uphold silly believe systems for centuries without a hint of plausible evidence, I'm sure we could manage a few decades more until we fabricate, ehh Discover some tangible proof of our divine creator.
It is a good thing that faith does not waver easily and soon after this small setback new projects where started to interpret the code that soon started to yield results.
- in 1992 a group named science for Jesus started to randomly assign a Y H or W to any random set of codons and this revolutionary and visionary result shocked the scientific community when it came up with the words "Jeebs waz here!!!" that they found with a random base pair interval of 1 to 100.
- in 1998 the militant right-wing Christian white supremacists in a joint venture with the church of latter-day saints did a study where they randomly assigned any letter in the alphabet that has ever been used to write ( or not write ) the name of god or any other biblical figure to any codon with a unlimited randomly chosen interval. Amazingly they found no less then 4 clear distinct reverences to something called a "den fagelburg". After dismissing this to be a place of worship in former east Germany it was established that this was, in fact Aramaic for "Shitty fag music" which in turn translates to "Dan Fogelberg" in English. Since it was mentioned 4 times in the holy DNA code it was empirically logical to simply assume that 4 solo albums from Fogelberg should be placed backwards and that it would carry subliminal divine messages. After careful sonic analysis of 4 solo albums by Dan Fogelberg (1975 Captured Angel, 1993 River of Souls, 1981 The Innocent Age and the 1986 Turning people gay album) ,being played backwards at various speeds, the researchers found the following earth shattering proof of the holy nature of genetic material. Through the entirety of Fogelbergs albums, when played backwards at 27RPM he constantly speaks in tongues in the language of the angles. And if that is not enough proof for you he has also been heard saying " Abiogenesis is poopy ", "Jebus is lurd" and " get me out of here, these evil producers force me to record this godshyte music". Unfortunately these results can not be checked since any trace of any dan fogelberg album has since then vanished along with all other master recordings or copies.
Misinterpretation[edit | edit source]
Although it is known today that the whole story is told somewhere near the gene VMAT2 for long times us multi-celled organisms have misinterpreted this hard-wired wisdom that made us what we are today. Even forgetting our own single celled microscopic past and for long times not even recognizing our own brethren who reside everywhere, on our skin, in our bodies in the ground, looking after us and the flat disc that is our planet.
Death by the cross was in those early proto-organic times of yesteryear a very common occurrence. It is not that Jesus alone did bare this fate. The early symbiotic adventures that the simple lifeforms came with all kinds of great peril. DNA sequence error checking mechanisms went horribly wrong, mutation run amok and certain stands back then proofed to be unsustainable by live. So was the fate of the chrystiogenis for one of his Chromosomes developed a mutation that mangled the cross shaped molecule into a slightly lesser cross shaped molecule. Although these mutations made him have these wonderful new and illuminating Protein biosynthetic experiences to which his gospel was recorded this sequence was, alas in the long run, not a key benefit for survival and therefore not sustainable.
The X mas[edit | edit source]
This brings us to another point of much debate. Whether the unsustainable X chromosome that killed the chystiogenis was actually an early form of gender differentiating DNA. This hypothesis goes hand in hand with DNA literalism that claims the prediction of peaceful non parasitic symbiosis between two simple forms of proto-live also entailed the prediction of multi celled lifeforms. The notion that the full extent of the complexity of higher forms of life could be known by a single fatally mutated prokaryotic endoplasmatic piece of goo is absurd to the widest degree. Every piece of evidence points to single celled organelle forming by means of symbiosis. More specific, although frowned upon by the membranial purist ( one cell one genome ) this practice had been going of for a substantial number of reproductive cycles. Jesus merely vibrated about it openly and thus making it more acceptable.
Chromatin apologetics goes even further in there claim for the existence of a divine sequencer by pointing to another set of allegories that they of course take seriously and, while they are at it, out of context. The claim lies in the believe that the X chromosome and the Y chromosome where created at much the same time and that the Y chromosome was first. Modern knowledge does not share any part of this view. But it goes on. Seemingly , according to this account , the almighty gene splicer make the X chromosome by taking out a part of a ribosome.
Fermented curd[edit | edit source]
Finally the famous re-enactment of the sermon on the mount from Monty Pythons Live of Brian shows a humanoid Jesus figure stating that " Blessed are the cheese makers ". It is often , mistakenly , interpreted by prokaryotians to be taken as direct reference to a certain proteolytic enzyme. This is , of couse , utter non sense and shows us that both humanoid scripture and Monty Python should not be taken seriously.
Reverences in culture[edit | edit source]
Clear references are made to the microscopically small, and therefore impossible to proof origins of the religions, in several meditational chants and, for instance, Gregorian hymns like corpus christi endoplasmatic re-ti-cu-lum.