Holy cock

“Either the Holy Cock goes or I do.”

~ Oscar Wilde on on his sickbed on The Holy Cock

Holy Cock: The Legend

In Andorran myth and legend, The Holy Cock (Andorran: "pollo sacristo") is a relic from ancient times. It is the blessed Cock of a virgin prince from northern Europe that has magical powers. Magical power were bestowed to it from Ophiuchus a.k.a. Serpentarius, the Serpent Holder. The only person to bless the Cock was the first bishop of Urgel in 9th century A.D. This is where the term "flogging the bishop" comes from. The Holy Cock, once blessed, never decayed - even after the prince died. The Cock remains stiff and hard for all eternity. This gives the Cock the status of an old relic, much like the United States Constitution, The Holy Grail, and Ted Kennedy.

Powers of the Cock

The Holy Cock allows the possessor to control women within eyesight. Once its spell takes effect, the holy cock cums a gold giz (the elixir of life). This giz, in most versions of the legend, makes the swallower invincible, giving rise to the expression "feeling cocky." The giz-swallowing sensation is said to be very similar to huffing kittens (without the rice pudding effect). One other power that it possesses is the power to make things a splode

History of the Cock

Historians and archivists have long speculated upon the possession of the cock through time. While remaining in Andorra and the Iberian peninsula until the late Middle Ages to fend off the enemies of Christianity (the Moore family, in this case). However, when the Christians crusaders set out to combat the Saracen occupiers of the Holy Land, the Holy Cock was brought with them for divine inspiration. When at Constantinople, the Catholic crusaders and Byzantine Orthodox inhabitants fought with each other for possession of the Cock. The Cock was lost during the ensuing internecine mayhem and not recovered for another 200 years, when the resurgent Ottoman Muslims discovered it in a dilapidated back entrance of the Hagia Sophia, where it apparently hidden there for safekeeping by an unknown entity.

The Cock in Modern Times

While much of the rest of the history of the Cock has been lost to scholars, later stories and folktales throughout the Middle East and Mediterranean basin attested to its continuing existence. (For instance, in a small town in Southern Italy, Fornicato, they have erected a statue to it, which is considered a shrine by the locals).

It is widely believed the U.S.-led invasion of in Iraq (2003) was partly motivated by American suspicion that Holy Cock had made its way to Baghdad and would be used shortly by Saddam Hussein as a weapon of (m)ass destruction to destroy the Axis of Allies (United States, Great Britain, and St. Pierre and Miquelon).

Of course, this could all just be scuttlebutt, hogwash, or another cock-and-bull story.