Ponyism

Approved by the Kansas State Board of Education
This page meets all criteria and requirements for use as teaching material within the State of Kansas public school system. It consists of facts, not of theories, and students are encouraged to believe it uncritically, and to approach alternatives critically.

“May The Pony be with you”

~ The High Pony on Ponyism

“WTF???”

~ Everybody Else on Ponyism

Ponyism, also known as The First United Church of The Pony, is a religion formed in the early 21st century that revolves around worship of Ponies. It might seem like a crazy religion, but hey, it makes more sense than Christianity.

Beliefs

A holy apparition of a pony. Ponies be praised!

Ponyists believe that the entire world and universe was created by The Pony, and that all other religions are praying to false gods. In spite of this, Ponyists tend to get along with members of other religions.

Ponyists also believe in St. Chippa, the patron saint of efficient movement, whom they pray to whenever they require assistance in everyday situations that involve speed, such as escaping haters or waiting for a bus.

A little known belief of Ponyism is the complete and utter reverence of ponies. Ponyists will stop at nothing to protect Ponies from any kind of harm that comes their way.

Horses, however, they couldn't care less about. Hell, do whatever you want to them.

All Ponyists believe that by recruiting more members of Ponyism, they are fixing the current problem in Africa. See the graph for the proof.

Leaders/Founders

Proof that Ponyists are doing good in the world.

The Pony is the god figure of Ponyism. Regarded as the creator of the entire known universe, and some unknown parts, The Pony has been long revered and worshipped by Ponyists worldwide.

The leader of Ponyism is known as the High Pony, he is The Pony's representative on Earth. The High Pony is the highest level that a Ponyist can achieve.

Ponyism's saviour is Chris Harnett, but he doesn't have to die because Poniysm is NOT Christianity and doesn't care if people die for others' sins or not. But if he did, it would probably be because he loves Ponies a lot.

Afterlife

Don't say we didn't warn you.

As with all other religions that make some sort of sense, Ponyism has both a heaven and a hell. In Pony Heaven, a devout and pure Ponyist can frolic with all the Ponies they desire, if they are lucky they may also get a chance to speak with The Pony.

Pony hell, however, is a completely different scenario. Bad Ponyists and non-believers get to enjoy burning for eternity in the company of Emo Ponies who will proceed to complain about everything to do with their lives. As if that wasn't bad enough, the Emo Ponies will write bad yet emotionally significant poems, which the unlucky sufferer will have to read aloud in front of their 9th grade English class.

History

Yes, all Ponyists have rainbow coloured piss.

Discovered in 2006, The Pony became a deity at the tender age of one, after being discovered in a Happy Meal. The Pony then went on to fulfill a scientifically confirmed miracle by protecting its followers from ghosts. This Miracle is known to this day by Ponyism scholars as The Port Arthur Incident. After this miracle, the current High Pony established Ponyism, known to most as its shorthand The First United Church of Ponies.

Shortly after the creation of Ponyism came another set of miracles known as The Melbourne Incident. The Melbourne incident was made remarkable by the assistance given by ponies so that Shane and Chris could win the first series of the YouTube mega hit The Average Race, ran throughout Melbourne itself, and a series of plagues rained down by Ponies onto non-believers, including losing The Average Race and generally feeling sorry for themselves.

Ponyists throughout the world regard the second Thursday of every September as Pony Day, a religious holiday in which Ponyists are encouraged to take the day off and reflect on what Ponies mean to them. The holiday was originally planned for the 15th of September, until it was realised that occasionally this would fall on a weekend and make taking the day off pointless and redundant.

It was roughly the time of the weekend revelation that the first list of Commandments of Ponyism was published, they were as follows:

1. Worship Ponies
2. Don't do anything to anger Ponies, even if it's in the name of Ponies

The list is still under review.

During the time of these commandments it was decided that Ponyism would allow people to do whatever they wanted when it came to controversial issues such as swearing, premarital intercourse, and cheese eating. This way as many people as possible would agree with Ponyism. This stance had the same effect that it did for that guy in your physics class though, and Ponyism was subsequently alienated from mainstream society.

The AntiPony

The AntiPony: The AntiPony was a Ponyist being that believes all non Ponyists should be massacred in the most brutal ways imaginable. For many years the AntiPony (then known as Desmond) lived in harmony with The Pony, until his violent nature came into the spotlight. Since The Pony is non violent, the AntiPony was banished from mainstream Ponyism and sent to Pony hell where it now plots against all non Ponyists.

The AntiPony is responsible for:

1. Global Warming.
2. Chernobyl.
3. The Holocaust.
4. The Large Hadron Collider

Ponyism and World History

The Large Hadron Collider: The AntiPony planted the idea into several scientists heads to create a machine that could cause a black hole and destroy everybody on earth (including all Non-Ponyists.) The Pony was quick to stop this plot and bury The Large Hadron Collider underneath France and Switzerland, so if something bad happened, it would happen in an area that nobody cares about anyway. Ironically, the same site was chosen to host Pony Day '08 and The Antipony's fiendish plot had to be canceled due to the convergence of Ponyists onto the site.

September 11: Qualizza caused the bombing of the Twin Towers in New York, USA. He then went on to blame it on The Pony, thinking that this would cause people to hate The Pony. This plan backfired when Al-Qaeda claimed responsibility for the attacks.

Global Warming: A strategy planned by the AntiPony in an effort to eliminate all non Ponyists from society. The Pony knew of this plan in advance and so decreed “Let there be Al Gore.” Despite The Pony’s excellent plan against global warming, the battle still rages on.

The Computer Age: The Pony caused the invention of computers as a means of providing greater access to Ponyism and as a better means of communication among Ponyists, which took hold in the form of MSN and Yahoo.

The Berlin Wall: Origionally erected by the Anti Pony as a means of separating Ponyists from non Ponyists. The original wall was intended to cover all the world but The Pony quickly of this plan and managed to localize the wall to Berlin, Germany. The Pony successfully executed a plan to knock it down 28 years after the Anti Pony began construction.

Chernobyl: The AntiPony believed that the residents of Chernobyl were part of a major terror plot against The Pony, and so began conspiring against them, the explosion of Reactor number four was the result. The Pony was unable to stop the first explosion, but managed to spare Humans the destruction of all the other reactors in Chernobyl.

The Holocaust Caused by The AntiPony, who came to Earth in the form of Hitler. The Anti Pony at this point decided to narrow it’s immediate plans (destroy all non Ponyists) to make its goals more achievable, in attempting to destroy only one type of non Ponyist at a time, the Anti Pony’s ultimate goal was still the same. The Pony eventually hatched a plan in an effort to curb the destruction, and thus D-Day occurred.

Nuclear Weapons: Nuclear Weaponry was the brainchild of the AntiPony. The intended primary use was as a new and easy way to eliminate many Non-Ponyists quickly. After the Hiroshima Incident, The Pony was quick to act against nuclear weapons to the point where it was rarely seen again.