Cthulhu Day
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“Ph'nglui mglw'nafh Cthulhu R'lyeh wgah'nagl fhtagn”
“ OH SHIT I'M SCREWED!”
Cthulhu Day; What's it about?[edit | edit source]
Cthulhu Day, otherwise known as Chef Boyardee Appreciation Day, is the day where all of us petty three dimensional mortals worship our Dread Father. It is held thrice every year, on April 2nd, February 27 and December 2nd.
What happens on Cthulhu Day[edit | edit source]
Festivities can vary from place to place, but most celebrations include:
- Pin the Tail on the Lurking Fear
- Worship of your favorite Old One
- Competition to see who has become the most 'Fishy' (Innsmouth only)
- Piñata
- Goat Mutilation
- Blood chugging competition
- Special "Cthulhu Day" cakes (Vanilla, Chocolate, Coconut, or Human, Each 200 years kitten)
- Remain sane
- Wiffle Ball (Space permitting)
- Sack Races
- Summonings of temporarily defunct deities
- Nude dancing around the fire
- Ping Pong
- Spell recitation (winners are allowed their sanity)
- Being captured by the police after a violent episode in the woods
- Readings of your favorite passages of the Necronomicon
- Shoggoth Races
- Ritualistic human sacrifice
- Checkers
- Stay conscious for as long as possible
- Using "armpit" and "kneepit" noises to create group-improvised holiday music
Set up your own Cthulhu Day Celebration![edit | edit source]
Putting together your own Cthulhu Day party might seem like a daunting task, but with some planning and supplies, it is made easy! Supplies you will need to set up a Cthulhu Day party:
- A small stone tablet depicting Cthulhu and R'lyeh
- At least one copy of the Necronomicon
- Goats and/or nonbelievers (For sacrificing)
- Candles
- Older (pre-1995) copies of Penthouse or Playboy magazines
- Lots of wood (For building a bonfire)
- A barbecue grill (See sacrificing)
- Paper Plates
- Plastic Cutlery
- Picnic Tables
- Your mom
- A ukulele or acoustic guitar (For playing folksy songs around said bonfire)
- Condoms
- "Plush Cthulhu" for the kiddies
Origins[edit | edit source]
Cthulhu Day was set on April 2nd because that was the last time that Cthulhu rose from the depths to inhabit the parts we ground-walkers call 'Home'. Before then, it was celebrated several days in advance, and most celebrations consisted of only nude dancing around the fire, and being captured by the police. Those celebrations were serving to try and raise Dead Cthulhu from his cyclopean house at R'lyeh, where he lay dreaming. They were afraid, due to the 'Strange Aeons' that were experienced that year, that even death may die. Well, their prayers seemed to have worked, because soon, Cthulhu rose to the surface, (although there is some dispute as to whether or not it was the prayers, or some bungling Norwegian fisherman, who actually rose Him.) only to sink back down beneath the waves and darkness of the opaque ocean.
" It is also celebrated on Decidember 2nd because that is the day when the Old Ones left Earth. But they will return! Ial Cthulhu! Shrub-Megawrath! The Lavender Sheep of the Woods with 1073 and 1/4 young! " - Abdul Alhazred, The Necronomicon, Second Edition with added Insanity
Jack Walters is scared.
The Plague of 1979[edit | edit source]
Since the success early in the century, Cthulhu Day has risen to vast popularity; in some places, even overtaking Christmas as the children's favorite holiday. Ctuhlhu Day was canceled in many areas from 1979-1989, after an incident at the 1979 Cthulhu Day celebration in Los Angeles, an unnamed Old One, angered by all the attention Yog-Sothoth was getting, created Disco. The resulting press reports caused a moral panic in the midwest, because there was a completely unsubstantiated equating of celebrating Cthulhu Day with practicing Satanism. The Disco plague was visited upon us until late 1989, when the annonymous Old One and Yog-Sothoth made up by creating a Shuggoth in central Des Moines. Today's Celebrations are centered around the eventual rise of Ctuhlu from his non-euclidean, unearthly, slimy, greenish, and, of course, cyclopean stone tomb in the Pacific Ocean.
Legend[edit | edit source]
The legend of Cthulhu Day goes as such:
“... And thus, on the Day of Insanity, when the stars are right, and the Earth is prepared for the infinite horror and madness that is hidden beneath the sea, Cthulhu will, once again, rise from his ancient temple at R'lyeh and, if He sees His shadow, the whole world will shout and kill and revel in joy and there will be 6 more weeks of winter.”
It is after this legend that the modern celebrations are based.