Judyism

Judyism's official digital clock of giving. Every time it reaches 22:00:00, all of judyism will donate a million dollars to the needy.	No known photo exists of Judyism's leader, her identity is kept secret for purposes of tax fraud.
Founder/God	Madsa Judy Goud Luccimaat
Vice-President	Anyone who will pour my coffee and do my bidding
Official Doctrine	No Idiot Left Behind. "We find those who are mentally challenged pose less of a problem than those who can think for themselves, they ask fewer questions, are easier to blame and can't really figure out what we are doing, why wouldn't we promote them?" Judyist Leader Madsa Judy Goud Luccimaat at a 2005 recruitment seminar.
Official religion	Extremist Scientological Radically Leftist revisionist Intelligent Design, or Judyism for short
Location	Between Two Catholic Church's, next to an IRS branch office, right in front of a Homeland Security Building.
Capital	Ft. Worth, TX.
National anthem	Puttin on the Ritz
Official sport	Heretic Hunting
Official Food	Dustti Pie
Unofficial languages	Jibberish, Doublespeak, dipshit and English, in that order.
Acceptable Currencies	Euro, Dollar, Cocaine, Heroin and livestock
Number of Members	Unofficial count: 250,000. People who will admit it: 125.
2005 income from sale of GYSOT Bibles	$2 (dos peso' argentinos) Gross.
Official Radio Call Letters.	KRAP 580
Ethnic composition	Habitual Liars 42.1 % Brown Nosers 1.2 % Hypocrites 60% % Ethenic DipShits 14 % Cowards 34.5%% Persons with IQ that qualifies them as "Retarded" 22 % Lemmings 1 %
Special abilities	Economical failure, Environmental destruction, Apathy, Double Vacation bonus tripled, Able to drink unlimited amounts of Coffee.

“What a bunch of raving lunatics, rocks are smarter than those Assholes.”

~ Oscar Wilde on followers of Judyism

An extremist offshoot of Scientology, Judyism, or as the French would say, L'Judyism, proclaims that all other religions were based off ancient Judyist teachings that proclaim Judyism as the only true religion. Followers of Judyism point out that they have no written proof of their religion or teachings, however, they point out that whatever they say should be considered as true and accepted on blind faith no matter how inconcievable or stupid it sounds and all disbelievers are heretics that will eventually turn into Zombies due to their heresy.

Humble Beginnings

The first known church of Judyism was formed on or around early 2004 by a group of suspended airline managers. While they waited for word if they were fired or not, they hedged their bets and set up a shadow conspiricy religion to not only protect themselves, but to reward those who would help cover up their incompetence, stupidity, corruption, graft and criminal acts. Fortunately for the Judyists, they were not fired, not because they were innocent, but because admitting that the company kept someone around for so long that was so fucking stupid and corrupt would have led to numerous lawsuits and bankrupted the airline. Thank god for lawyers (Thus, the theory that lawyers are the root of all evil).

Within weeks of their reinstatement the first church of Judyism opened in a utility shed on the outskirts of Fort Worth, Texas. Within days, Airline managers and corporate criminals who were on the verge of being caught or fired flocked to the teachings of Judyisms founder, Madsa Judy Goud Luccimaat, and within the year Judyism had expanded out from their simple utility shed to encompass most of the Airline Industry.

Timeline

The development of Judyism can be divided into 4 distinctive ages starting with its founding in 2004. These ages are not recognized by leaders of Judyism as they believe their Religion was founded 150 million years ago by super humans who used wormholes and a stargate to travel back in time and form Judyism before humans even existed. Hey, I didn't say it made sense, ask those jerkoffs to explain it to you if you really give a damn. Anyway, here are the Eras:

Founding

Founded in Februrary 2004 by cult leader Madsa Judy Goud Luccimaat, the movement was generally ignored until the Judyist leader managed to convince the airline industry that Judyism was protected as a religion. Following the airlines standard operating procedure, no one bothered to check anything out and finally just got tired of dealing with it and granted Judyism protection as a religion.

The Age of Discovery

Upon finding complicity or apathy toward their teachings, Judyism quickly became entreanched in the Airline Industry and attracted many usless mid and low level management recruits due to their platform of "No idiot left behind" which preached that even the corrupt and worthless need a job and the only way they could accomplish that was to cover up their actions. Senior Managers in several Airlines ignored Judyism thinking it was just some new wave Management recruiting and training Fad, but, during the 2005 stockholders meetings it was pointed out that Judyism was a Cult and not a Management teaching tool. Senior Executives responded by giving themselves a raise and adding more stock options to their pay package, by the time they finished patting themselves on the back for a job well done, they forgot about the whole Judyism thing.

The Age of Expansion

By the summer of 2005 Judyism had found a large following and expanded the number of Church's from a metal shed in 2004 to 2000 "Recruitment Centers" around the United States. Leaders of Judyism decry the use of the term "Recruitment Centers" and prefer the term "Church" or "Cult indoctrination Facility" and point out that not one single member of the Church of Judyism was forced to join. Leaders point out that many people came to Judyism of their own free will after watching the recruitment film "Unrepresented Souls." Upon seeing the light, they are informed that by their actions of accepting Judyism to cover up their stupidity and corruption, they in effect have agreed to enslave their eternal soul to Judyism by default and now are obligated to Judyism by decree of eternal damnation. Wow, how can you argue with that!

The Modern Age

Within two and a half years after its founding, Judyism continued to expand their membership and their teachings began to find followings outside the Airline Industry. Although still enjoying success, Judyism took a serious hit to their credibility when they allowed one of their cult members corruption, fraud and stupidy to be exposed. Caught with their pants down the member was fired by senior airline executives before church leaders could organize and come up with a plan to continue the cover up, with the members fraud, theft and criminal activities fully exposed, church leaders decided to distance themselves from the member and proceeded to disavow all knowledge of the person and their activities.

Followers that witnessed the event were quickly informed that the member involved had turned their back on the Church and converted to Catholocism and thus was no longer able to receive Judyist benefits which justified the heretics exposure. Members, fearing they could be exposed in the same fashion quickly accepted the blatent lie and laid low for a while fearing they could possibly be connected to the incident. This incident was an eye opening experience for all Judyists as up until "Black Monday" as the Church now refers to it as, Judyists felt they were untouchable and their actions unquestioned, unfortunately, the "Black Monday" incident dealt a crushing blow to senior church leaders who, as of this writing, are in a desperate struggle to keep their jobs as apathy to their platform is no longer the case and Judyist's are finding their actions are being more closely watched. Sadly, because of "Black Monday" many senior Judyist leaders status remains unclear and recruitments and other daily functions have been handed off to lower level members until the crisis has passed.

Judyism Beliefs and Practices

In the beginning there was Judyism, but Judyism had no focus or identity and lacked a single coherant thought. When all looked lost and Human Resources easily figured out what a bunch of Fucking Tards the Judyists were, a miricle happened. While waiting to be shitcanned, a Judyist member came across an ancient manuscript called The Elite Commandments and all was saved. The Elite Commandments are the Judyists's fundamental beliefs, however, in order to survive they have adopted several other practices.

• Blame Transfer Protocol - More commonly referred to as BTP, Judyist's spend nearly 6 weeks a year honing this skill at seminars and workshops as this single skill allows even the most incompetent Judyist to keep their jobs for years before someone actually figures out they are morons.
• The only qualification for advancement within a Judyist controlled company is being a follower of Judyism.
• "No idiot left behind" - A doctrine of promotion and advancement.
• Heretics - Described in the Judyist reference book of Judyism as anyone who points out mistakes, corruption, fraud, theft or stupidy of any member of the Church of Judyism. Judyist doctrine dictates that heretics are to be harassed and intimidated by all Judyists followers until they are forced out of the department/company. For a better understanding of this policy please see the Judyist's Reference Guide to acceptable employees.
• Path of Least Resistance - Although members of Judyism are proud and fear no one, should they run into someone who they just can't deal with, they recommend the path of least resistance doctrine where the easiest solution for the Judyist is followed, yet not really addressing or solving the problem. See Blame Transfer Protocol
• Bandwaggoning - Judyists are very big on jumping on whatever current fad will advance their cause regardless of the fad's origin, nature, cause or outcome. Judyist's can do this because they are just jumping on the Bandwagon and if the current fad goes bad, well then, they just jump right back off and disavow all knowledge of even being involved in said fad. It's a win-win situation for everyone.
• Victimless Crimes - Followers of Judyism believe that the following are victimless crimes thus justifing their cover up.
• Time Card Fraud - Or TCF among Judyism followers.
• Harrassment - If you are being harassed by followers of Judyism, you deserve it, thus its a victimless crime.
• Discrimination - If you are not a member of the Church of Judyism why would they NOT discriminate against you. Followers believe in "Healthy Discrimination" as to keep Judyism in power and ensure it's future.
• Hypocrisy doctrine - Followers believe in the "we can do it, but you can't" philosophy because followers of Judyism are above rules and laws, thus making them better than everyone else and allowing them to do whatever they want, thus, whatever they do is a victimless crime, because how can they be a victim if Judyism is always right. Whew, deep.

Is Judyism Right For You?

According to the Judyist's Reference guide to acceptable employee's, the following is a list of the qualities most coveted by the church of Judyism. In no particular order:

• Habitual Liar. Habitual liars are coveted by Judyists for their ability to weave extravagant webs of lies with a straight face. Judists are one of the only organizations on Earth that finds these people to be assets instead of liabilities.
• No Conscience. Those who would walk over their mothers back with golf shoes on for a dollar, then blame her for their failings and have her imprisioned for their flash backs of spankings they received as a child are prime candidates for Judyism, because, as a Judyist, they are expected to have no soul, no conscious and no morals so they can be easier to mind control.
• Deceitful. Not a Habitual Liar, then how about just being outright deceitful. Deceit is another trait very high on the Judyists list, after all, there are those out there than can see through the best conceived lie so deceit could be used as a secondary tactic to achieve your goal.
• Hypocrite. Are you one of those "Do as I say, not as I do" people, then Judyism's for you. In recent years Judyism has seen an increase in attendance from Baptists as both religions doctrine of Hypocrisy mirror each other, although Judyists are quick to point out that there is no God, only Judy.
• Coward. Church Elders frown upon this term and prefer the term "Non-Confrontational" or Pussies, but, whatever you call it, Judyism practices the theory of "Out of sight, out of mind". As long as they do not address the problem, it does not really exist, problem solved, if forced into a situation of dealing with a problem - see Heretic.
• Low IQ. Judyists prefer members with IQ's less then 90. Individuals with a lower IQ are easy to manipulate, easy to deceive, don't ask as many questions and are easily mind controlled. These individuals form the majority of Judyists throughout the U.S.

The Book Of GYSOT

The most coveted of Judyist artifacts is the Book of GYSOT. Sometimes referred to as The GYSOT book of Revelations, this prophetic book, written at Judyisms conception, details the coming of the four horseman of the Judyist apocolypse. This most sacred book, only accesible to the most senior of Church Elders gives Judyists great insight into who the true enemies of the Church are and how to deal with these powereful Zealots when the apocolypse comes. Below is a brief synopsis and the four books of GYSOT.

The Book of Bruce - The Horseman of War

The Book of Bruce details how the First Horseman begins the Apocolypse with a power struggle against the founder of Judyism. The Horseman of War is always depicted as riding a metal horse, black as a moonless night and loud as the thunder from a thousand storms. The rider, clad in shining black armor, wields an Unholy Bastard Sword of Judyist Bane with an edge so sharp it is said it can cut through the Earth itself. In the Book of Bruce the "War" with the founder begins the apocolypse and only divine intervention from the combined aura's of all Judyism shield the founder from this unholy horseman and drive him back to the unemployment line. The book of Bruce also details how to ultimately destroy this horseman, but requires the use of Uranium, a Thundering Bic Pen of Pure Good and 3 non-violent Germans.

The Book of Jose - The Horseman of Pestilence

In the Book of Jose, it is told that this second Horseman rides through all of Judyism spreading disease to weaken Judyisms numbers and strength. This Horseman, riding atop a Red Steed clad in Brilliant armor of pure stainless steel, spreads his pestilence with just a wave of his hand. It is foretold that Judyism is almost destroyed by this second horseman and is only saved when a Holy Messiah, mistaking the Horseman for an illegal alien, kills him by deporting him back to Mexico. The book of Jose does not know who this Messiah is, but experts believe it is a reference to the resurrected soul of Frank Lorenzo, back from the dead to reclaim his airline throne.

The Book of Brad - The Horseman of Famine

The Book of Brad foretells of this Horseman spreading Famine to the world in an attempt to cripple Judyisms ability to grow and continue as a faith. This Horseman, clad in nothing but shorts and a wife beater tee shirt, rides atop a skelatal horse whose hoofs render the ground incapable of supporting any vegetation for 1000 years. The Book of Brad makes vague references to this horseman as the Chernobyl rider because it is said that The Horseman of Famine can only be destroyed by drawing him into a giant concrete dome filled with a combination of Anti-Freeze, Arsenic, liquid nitrogen and transmission fluid and then sealing it for all eternity by Orthodox Russian nuclear technicians. However this horseman follows closely and helps modify most of the rules of Judyism. However his gambling problem forces him to sometimes sell his body for homosexual favors.

The Book of Todd - The Horseman of Death

The most terrorfying image in all of Judyism, the Pale Rider, as depicted here from the book of GYSOT.

The Book of Todd details the final confrontation between good and evil, (Which one is which is subject to interpretation). Unlike the other three horseman, the fourth horseman of the Judyist apocolypse is known by many names, The Pale Rider, The Horseman of Death and Todd harbinger of Truth. The Book of Todd describes the fourth horseman as an invincible warror who deals out death to all without mercy and will spare only those whose souls are pure and without sin. The Pale rider can appear in any form, but is said to ride a white stallion of unearthly size and form. According to many Judyist scholars The Pale Rider already inhabits the Earthly plain and rides for all eternity waiting for the apocolypse to begin, but is forbidden to deal out death until the other three horsemen ride and complete their missions.

The Pale Rider is the most feared of the four horseman in all of Judyism, this is due to the fact that The Pale Rider cannot be destroyed and stands against everything that Judyism believes in, although Judyism has tried to resolve this conflict in The GYSOT Book of Heretics explaining that heretics have attacked Judyism and in defense of their policies and beliefs they must lie, cheat, deceive, commit fraud, discriminate and harrass because Judyism itself is the true victim and committing heinous acts against others is O.K. because they are just defending themselves, SO, in actuality, Judyism is truth and truth is Judyism. Hmmmm, I guess that's helps them sleep at night, but The Fourth Horseman does not follow revisionist history, does not sleep and truth is his guide, he is not amused and awaits the coming of the other horsemen.

Judyism and Holidays

“The unemployed put in more hours than those oxygen thieves.”

~ Oscar Wilde on followers of Judyism.

Although Judyism struggles for recognition and respect and refuses to recognize any other religion, that has not stopped them from enjoying national, religious and Judyist holidays that allow them to take an excessive amount of paid time off. The following is a list of officially recognized Judyist PAID holidays:

A gaggle of Judyist's enjoying one of their 125 paid days off at a local beach.

• New Years Eve - New years Day - The Day after New Years Day. Followers of Judyism enjoy three paid holidays to start the new year right. In the event that these three days fall on Fri, Sat and Sun, then of course Judists also get that Monday off as paid as well.
• Martin Luthur King Jr. Birthday. Ask any follower of Judyism who this guy is, more than likely you will get a blank stare from them, however, they can tell you that they will not be at work that day.
• Chinese Lunar New Year - See the first two enties.
• Every U.S. Presidents Birthday - Forget that Presidents day thing, followers of Judyism like to express their patriotism by celebrating the birthday of each and every U.S. President, they do this by taking off work, paid of course, and observing the achievements of our great leaders. Judyist's often point out that they admire the achievements of such great presidents as Benjamin Franklin, Norman Rockwell, Arnold Swartzenegger and Walt Disney. Judyist's stand by their custom of visiting Disneyworld on old Walt's birthday because he would have wanted it that way.
• Valentines Day - Followers of Judyism are very Family oriented and recognize Valentines day as a very important day to get paid and sit at home with their loved ones while all those other non-family oriented pagans run the airline, if only they would convert, some other poor bastard would have to work.
• Family Day - See Valentines day-also paid, of course.
• Ash Wednesday - Judyism has no idea what religion this is from, what it's for, or what purpose it serves, but by god they are taking it off paid anyway, because those damn Catholics are probably somehow involved in it and they are not going to have more holidays than Judyism.
• St. Patrick's Day - Followers of Judyism don't much get into foreign national holiday's, but if those damn Swedes can take the day off to drink, so can Judyist's, unless they work for the Judyist manager, then those Swede's better not take the day off, or they will get docked pay for the day, as soon as the Judyists come back from their paid holiday.
• Palm Sunday - Whatever it is, you won't see a Judyist at work that day.
• Good Friday - Easter Sunday - Easter Monday - The day after Easter Monday - Nothing like taking five days off paid for some silly rabbit's holiday, Hossenfeffer for everybody. Oh, you didn't really expect them to show up on Saturday did you? It's just a given that Judyist's would have that day off too, paid of course.
• Cinco de Mayo - If the Mexicans don't work that day, neither do the Judyist's.
• Mother's Day - If it falls on Sunday, Judyists get monday too, thank god for Mothers.
• Memorial Day - Too bad they don't have a holiday for military veterans, Judyists would take that off too, but would protest war from home that day.
• Flag Day - Even Judyist's are ashamed to get paid for this day, but not ashamed enough to show up for work.
• Fathers Day - See Mothers day.
• Independance Day - Judyist's show their true patriotic color's on this day and express their thanks for their freedom by dressing in period uniforms and recreating the major battle's of Antietam, Bull Run and Manassas. After a full day of celebrating and joviality, the leader of Judyism herself dresses up as the first president of this new free country, Jefferson Davis, and gives a dramatic speech to the victorious troops.
• Bastile Day - So as to not insult the Austrian's, Judyist's celebrate Austrian independence by taking Bastile Day off as a paid holiday. Strange group the Austrian's, they keep sending mail to Judyist headquarters about Bastile day, but can't read that strange austrian dialect though, "Throw another shrimp on the Barby".
• Labor Day - Judyism appears to have been confused by this oxymoron and thus is the only day of the year that EVERY member of Judyism actually shows up for work.
• Grandparent's Day - See Fathers Day and Mothers Day.
• Jewish New Year - See the first three enties.
• Columbus Day - Celebrating the discovery of this fine country is a priority for every Judyist, so to show the proper respect for the discovery of America, Judyists take the whole week off as a paid holiday.
• Halloween - Although a pagan ritual, Judyists quickly point out that due to their religious belief of heretic hunting, it is important they spend the day at home defending their religion and home from heretics who come out in force during this most pagan of holidays. Paid of course.
• Thanksgiving - Thanks, for giving us a paid week off.
• Christmas - What better way to end another corrupt year than to take two full weeks off for Christmas, after all, you couldn't possibly expect any Judyist to work over the Christmas holiday, it's Christmas, a season of giving and killing, so give them two weeks off. With No Pay of course.
• Days ending in the letter y - Will be evaluated on an individual basis

See also

• Judaism
• Hitler
• Ethnic cleansing
• Jimmy Swaggert
• The Farting Preacher
• Airline Manager
• Lemming
• Jim and Tammy Fay Baker
• Intelligent Design