A national anthem (also national hymn, song etc.) is a generally patriotic musical composition used as musical opium to convince a country that it is better than all others. The term is a portmanteau of the words "national socialist party" and "anathema".
Forms[edit | edit source]
Some National Anthems use patriotic imagery to arouse feelings of superiority. Examples:
- The British colonial National Anthem, Oooh-If you're a darkie and a heathen we'll Annex! Oooh- If your're a darkie and a heathen we'll annex! So remember what we did to Africa and India it will be your arse next! Hey!-this song was co-written by Queen Victoria and Oscar Wilde.
- The United States National Anthem, Until July 4th, 2006 this was The Star and Eagle and Baseball and Mom's Apple Pie and Rocky Mountain Sunset and Liberty Bell and Iwo Jima Statue and George Washington's Head Spangled Banner, Yee-Haw! (also known as USA USA USA USA USA USA). However, millions of dirty Mexicans sneaked into the country and secretly changed the song to "Jose, can you see?"
- Australia's National Anthem, "Down Under" by Men at Work
Other nations use less jingoistic approaches:
- Scotland's National Anthem, Gae Tae Buggery.
- Finlandia of Finland. (Actually default Nokia ringtone.. Couldn't they give up an less boring name?)
- The Lithuanian National Anthem, May God's Love Shine On Lithuania! Or, at Least, May God's Mild Affection Shine on Lithuania!
- Serbia's National Anthem, Beer, Sex, War and Rock'n'Roll
- The Belize National Anthem, We Love our Land of Not That Many Volcanoes and Earthquakes
- The Cyprus National Anthem, If You're Not In My Family Chances Are I Hate You
- The National Anthem of All Ireland, Meh Lovely Horse
- The National Anthem of Sweden, You old, you free, you scale high north
- The Czech National Anthem, Pes jitrničku sežral! (we are going to kill all humans!)
- The Slovenia National anthem, The Toast or song by a drunken lawyer who is also known as the best Slovenian poet.
- The Malaysian National anthem is Negaraku,Keranamu Malaysia,Jalur Gemilang and trillions more.
- The national anthem of the Filipino Empire is the Imperial Death March, Bayan Ko and Lumpang Hinirang.
- Mïghtÿ Iceland, öh høw wë ðö løvë Bjork. (This song was written by Bjork.)
Points[edit | edit source]
All anthems are graded each year by Billboard for an end of year magazine.
Bonus Points[edit | edit source]
Bonus points are added to all countries where the vast majority of the countrymen and women sing the anthem with heartfelt passion, yet have no idea what the words mean (e.g.Wales).
Notable Anthem[edit | edit source]
Italy has one of the finest anthems, having the scale and form of a major opera. And I'm not just saying that because some fucking i-ties threatened to whack me if I didn't.
England has one of the worst, being a colossal dirge that takes about three hours to sing, with one note every ten minutes or so. Although that's what they get for getting John Cage to write it. Its called G O D S A V E T H E C U R R E N T I N B R E D R O Y A L L E A D E R
Canada has the shortest anthem, having ripped it off from England and translated it to French, so the English won't know.
Spain has an anthem which they stole from a rapper. It says "It's getting hot over here, so we're gonna sweat our asses off!"
Norway has an anthem commercially sponsored by the state of Iowa.
Wales has a remarkable national anthem - Hen Wlad fy Nhadau - which is really just an excuse to spit at foreigners. The welsh language, and particularly this song, is the reason that TV cameras in wales have automatic wipers.
Turkey has three national anthems because some of the people were furious about the first anthem written - Our Country Name Reminds a Chicken. The people who were against that anthem wrote a different anthem called Your Chicken Name Reminds our Country. The two anthems were sang in two different parts of the land until a politician wrote the new anthem Being a Collapsed Empire Does not Necessarily Say Nothing. Today in schools, each morning the principle chooses a new anthem to sing.
Romania is the only country to have a contest to determine its national anthem. Only five songs were registered, Dragostea din tei by O-Zone, Numai Tu by O-Zone, Despre Tine by O-Zone, De ce Plang Chitarele by O-Zone, and Sweet Home Alabama by Lynyrd Skynyrd. Sweet Home Alabama would have won (achieving Alabama's colonial ambitions) but Dragostea Din Tei won because WWII veteran Gary Brolsma, who also single-handedly liberated Romania, made a better cover of it (incorrectly calling it Numa Numa) on December 6th 2004.
Russia has a very pathetic anthem called the National Anthem of Russia. It have been their anthem since their independence from Sweden in 1917. Before 1917, the National Anthem of Sweden was the national anthem of Russia.
Other Anthems[edit | edit source]
- God Bless Thee Newfoundland|In Cod we Trust - Dominion of Newfoundland
- Pride (In the Name of Love) - Ireland
- Гимн РФ Russia
- All Will Obey Dr Doom or Die Screaming! - Latveria
- Walk like an Egyptian - Jordan
- We Are a Part of the Rythym Nation - The Rythym Nation
- some song from Fiddler on the Roof - Israel
- We Didn't Start the Fire - Pyromania
- Don't Sleep in the Subway - East Quizno
- The Ballad of Grundular The Great - The Kingdom of Galvania (no, they didn't invent the process of galvanizing)
- Row, row, row your boat - Cuba
- Keranamu Malaysia - Malaysia
- Hé rotmof, rot es effe op - The Netherlands
- O Canada, our home's on native land! - Iroquois Six Nations
- Cold as Ice - Canada
- Maybe It's Because I'm A Cockney Cunt - London (unofficial)
- Australians all are Ostrichs - Australia
- This Anthem May Be Monitored to Ensure Quality Service - India
- Schnappi das klein krokodil - World Congress
- In A Gadda da Vidda - Rand McNally
- Maxwell's Silver Hammer - Japan
- Don't Touch This - Venezuela
- The National Anthem of the Soviet Union - Soviet Union
- Pieter Jan, another red link
- Britannia, waives the rules
- Dark Side of the Moon - OZ
- Fight for your Right, to Party - Brazil
- Pink Houses - United States
- G O D S A V E T H E C U R R E N T I N B R E D R O Y A L L E A D E R - England
- Ya'll whores - Texas
- In Soviet Russia, Anthem Sings You! Russia
- It's not easy being green - Chernobyl, Ukraine
- Bitch, Bitch, Bitch - France
- Nobody likes us, we don't care - Belgium
- Hong Kong Does Not Exist, but We Love Her Anyway - Hong Kong
- The Song That Never Ends or "We are arrogant twats G'day mate" (extended version) - Australia
- Video Killed the Radio Star - Portugal
- Leave us Alone - Spain
- We Hate Stupid Spanish People - Argentina
- Our Country Name Reminds a Chicken - Turkey
- Your Chicken Name Reminds our Country - Turkey
- Being a Collapsed Empire Does not Necessarily Say Nothing - Turkey